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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and father to my oldest died and I’m being accused of being unfair regarding inheritance

170 replies

freakingscared · 02/12/2025 23:58

It’s a long one but I will try and make it as short as possible .
My oldest is a young adult but has severe autism , not independent, non verbal etc . The dad and I where together 3 years and my child was born when I was 19 and him 24 . We separated during pregnancy as he did not want the baby and he was very abusive including physical. I moved abroad and never returned to my home country to live but I visit often . He saw his the baby until he was 20 months when I visited so about 4 times in total and then told me he was not ready to be a father and he would deal with it when my son was older . It’s been over 20 years since we had any contact .
I have struggled a lot when he was small working 2 jobs then back to Uni , with his diagnosis and minimum help from anyone around me . I used to say it was us against the world and it really was that way , but we somehow always won . Years passed I found a good job and career , have my own home remarried to a wonderful man who is a fabulous stepdad and dad to our other 2 children .
Anyway out of the blue I received a message on social media looking for my son . I found it odd but after confirming it was someone from my home country needing help to trace my son as his father died and he was sole heir . I was a bit shocked and had to explain and show I represented my son due to his disability etc etc .
Anyway he lived with this person for the last 15 years but the house was in his name and insurance paid the house in full and she has no rights over it as they never declared they civil partnership . I started proceedings to sell the house and suddenly all of her family and his are messaging me calling me a scammer and a gold digger and telling me I’m making her homeless out of spite as I don’t need it and I will spend it on myself as I will have control of the money .
This has nothing to do with revenge , he is dead , she is the sister of an old mutual friend so she knew all about my son and his behaviour etc .
I even reached out and told her if she wanted to rent the hose for a year to find an alternative I would do it bellow market value , value is around £1300 per month she wanted to pay me £250 if I let her stay 5 years. . I said no .
Am I being unfair ? This guy spend his life ignoring his son , he knew I struggled in the early years , he choose not to be a part of his life and he never gave him a penny . No I do t need it and neither does my son thanks to me and my husband but it’s his right and it’s his money .

OP posts:
murasaki · 03/12/2025 00:03

You're advocating for your son, according to the fact he is his father's sole heir. Stay strong, you son needs you and the money that he is entitled to.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 03/12/2025 00:06

Who got in touch with you OP was it the executors or a solicitor? If what's proposed is legal in the country in question then I think you should take the inheritance for your son. However in the UK if a man had lived with a partner for so long, they may well have a claim on the house. But morally (and it seems legally in the country in question?) I'd say the money is for your son and the fact that you are his appointee is neither here nor there.

Sounds like people are going to make it difficult though - is the partner still living in the house? Can you get an eviction if you're not even in the country?

sprigatito · 03/12/2025 00:09

Damn right, that money is your son’s. It’s the only worthwhile thing his miserable excuse for a father has been able to give him. I wouldn’t let go of it for anything.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:11

Have you had legal advice from your home country?
Did he die intestate?

In some countries she might have some rights- ie those that recognise common law marriage.

Even if not one of those, are you sure that she has no claim on the house? In some countries even if it’s in a boyfriend’s name, if she has paid towards the mortgage or paid for renovations, she is entitled to a share of the value of the home.

I hope you’ve gotten legal advice on the inheritance question as well as on how to put the money into a trust for your son.

Original poster
freakingscared · 03/12/2025 00:12

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 03/12/2025 00:06

Who got in touch with you OP was it the executors or a solicitor? If what's proposed is legal in the country in question then I think you should take the inheritance for your son. However in the UK if a man had lived with a partner for so long, they may well have a claim on the house. But morally (and it seems legally in the country in question?) I'd say the money is for your son and the fact that you are his appointee is neither here nor there.

Sounds like people are going to make it difficult though - is the partner still living in the house? Can you get an eviction if you're not even in the country?

The executor got in touch . I have a solicitor representing us , I’m lucky I have a few in the family there . The house was bought before they where living together so she has no claim and although all they had to do to be in a civil partnership was to do their taxes together they choose not to all these years so she has no claim . I already started the eviction process and yes she is still at the house .

OP posts:
ibecruising · 03/12/2025 00:16

The money belongs to your son. As much as you’re in a loving, supportive relationship at the moment, you don’t know what the future holds. If anything were to happen you, that money would be much needed for your son’s care.

TheSandgroper · 03/12/2025 00:16

People can go on about morals all they like but legal is as legal does.

And in this case, you aren’t in a position to be beholden to someone else’s morals. You are beholden to the law regarding being your son’s guardian. That will surely preclude giving away substantial assets.

GiveafuckGertrude · 03/12/2025 00:17

It’s her own fault for being in a relationship with a man who had a child that he chose not to see. Play silly games, win silly prizes.

Daytimetellyqueen · 03/12/2025 00:17

murasaki · 03/12/2025 00:03

You're advocating for your son, according to the fact he is his father's sole heir. Stay strong, you son needs you and the money that he is entitled to.

This! You need to advocate for your DS as who knows what the future will bring & ensuring he is financially secure is massive.

StickyToffeePavlovas · 03/12/2025 00:17

Her lack of housing is not your problem. That's your son's inheritance and the least he deserves from his father. Stand strong. Don't pay any heed to any of those people, you probably won't ever even see them ever again which really helps the situation.

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:20

YANBU. You need every penny of that money for your son.

She should have married him if she wanted to inherit.

Cailleachnamara · 03/12/2025 00:20

You are not being unfair. If your son's father had wanted his partner to have this house he could have easily arranged it. Her situation is entirely of her own making and not your responsibility. You are just doing right by your son as any good mum would.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:21

GiveafuckGertrude · 03/12/2025 00:17

It’s her own fault for being in a relationship with a man who had a child that he chose not to see. Play silly games, win silly prizes.

Assuming she even knew about the child that he never saw?
I don’t blame her, I think she’s a victim in this. OP said he was abusive, he was likely gaslighting this poor woman into thinking they were as good as married. Or that he had written a will that gave her something,

It’s the Ex fault for not making any provision for a partner of 15yrs.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/12/2025 00:22

Your son is the legal beneficiary. Just carry on with the process of evicting the tenant and selling the property. If anyone wants to make a legal claim against the estate they are free to take their own legal advice and pursue that route. From what you have posted, it is unlikely that there will be any successful claim.

Do not respond to any further messages.

Lamentingalways · 03/12/2025 00:25

They had 15 years to sort this. Absolutely not your fault. For all you know that is what his Dad wanted. My kids cost me a fortune and he’s not had any of that cost (even if he did pay maintenance) birthdays and Christmas alone cost £100’s every year, holidays etc. So this is now a way to make up for that. She should have been putting money to one side if she was saving money by not paying rent / mortgage. Sad for her I suppose but absolutely not your fault. Just block them if you don’t even live in the same country.

ibecruising · 03/12/2025 00:28

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:21

Assuming she even knew about the child that he never saw?
I don’t blame her, I think she’s a victim in this. OP said he was abusive, he was likely gaslighting this poor woman into thinking they were as good as married. Or that he had written a will that gave her something,

It’s the Ex fault for not making any provision for a partner of 15yrs.

Edited
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It’s in the op, she knew about the son

BerryTwister · 03/12/2025 00:28

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:21

Assuming she even knew about the child that he never saw?
I don’t blame her, I think she’s a victim in this. OP said he was abusive, he was likely gaslighting this poor woman into thinking they were as good as married. Or that he had written a will that gave her something,

It’s the Ex fault for not making any provision for a partner of 15yrs.

Edited
Show quote history

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice OP says the partner of the deceased is the sister of a former mutual friend, so definitely knows about the son.

Friendlygingercat · 03/12/2025 00:28

The money from the house would go a long way to helping secure your sons future. So do not allow a group of randoms to guilt you. Block their phone numbers and emails and then they will have to communicate via a solicitor. Eviction can take a year or more in the UK so I do not know the procedure in your country. It will have to go through the court process so the ex partner has plenty of time to find somewhere to live.

Namechangerage · 03/12/2025 00:33

ibecruising · 03/12/2025 00:16

The money belongs to your son. As much as you’re in a loving, supportive relationship at the moment, you don’t know what the future holds. If anything were to happen you, that money would be much needed for your son’s care.

This. It should go into a fund that is ring fenced for your son’s care needs / home if anything should happen to you.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:35

ibecruising · 03/12/2025 00:28

It’s in the op, she knew about the son

Show quote history

Yes, I see that now.
I still 100% blame the Ex for her getting nothing from him.
I don’t understand why anyone would blame her for his choices, especially since he is known to be abusive.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:36

BerryTwister · 03/12/2025 00:28

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice OP says the partner of the deceased is the sister of a former mutual friend, so definitely knows about the son.

Show quote history

Thanks, I missed that bit. Still not her fault the dick didn’t even leave her a bit of the insurance money. You’d think 15yrs would get you some kind of bequest.

Namechangerage · 03/12/2025 00:37

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:35

Yes, I see that now.
I still 100% blame the Ex for her getting nothing from him.
I don’t understand why anyone would blame her for his choices, especially since he is known to be abusive.

Show quote history

That still doesn’t mean OP should give her the house or let her live rent free.

nomas · 03/12/2025 00:40

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:35

Yes, I see that now.
I still 100% blame the Ex for her getting nothing from him.
I don’t understand why anyone would blame her for his choices, especially since he is known to be abusive.

Show quote history

I agree that the ex is at fault. But OP needs to prioritise her son.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 03/12/2025 00:40

Namechangerage · 03/12/2025 00:37

That still doesn’t mean OP should give her the house or let her live rent free.

Show quote history

I agree. I’m just not on board with the posts blaming her for his actions.
the ones that say “play silly games, win silly prizes” and “it’s her fault” and “they had 15yrs to sort it out” and “she should have married him” - as if she could force him to marry, to file taxes together, to write her into a will, to add her as a part beneficiary on his life insurance, to add her to the house deeds as part owner.

He was an abusive twat and I stand by my opinion that she’s another one of his victims.

DysmalRadius · 03/12/2025 00:40

I'm not sure you would actually be allowed to redirect an inheritance on your son's behalf would you? It certainly wouldn't be in his best interest to give money to this woman, so you cannot prioritise her over him.