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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex and father to my oldest died and I’m being accused of being unfair regarding inheritance

170 replies

freakingscared · 02/12/2025 23:58

It’s a long one but I will try and make it as short as possible .
My oldest is a young adult but has severe autism , not independent, non verbal etc . The dad and I where together 3 years and my child was born when I was 19 and him 24 . We separated during pregnancy as he did not want the baby and he was very abusive including physical. I moved abroad and never returned to my home country to live but I visit often . He saw his the baby until he was 20 months when I visited so about 4 times in total and then told me he was not ready to be a father and he would deal with it when my son was older . It’s been over 20 years since we had any contact .
I have struggled a lot when he was small working 2 jobs then back to Uni , with his diagnosis and minimum help from anyone around me . I used to say it was us against the world and it really was that way , but we somehow always won . Years passed I found a good job and career , have my own home remarried to a wonderful man who is a fabulous stepdad and dad to our other 2 children .
Anyway out of the blue I received a message on social media looking for my son . I found it odd but after confirming it was someone from my home country needing help to trace my son as his father died and he was sole heir . I was a bit shocked and had to explain and show I represented my son due to his disability etc etc .
Anyway he lived with this person for the last 15 years but the house was in his name and insurance paid the house in full and she has no rights over it as they never declared they civil partnership . I started proceedings to sell the house and suddenly all of her family and his are messaging me calling me a scammer and a gold digger and telling me I’m making her homeless out of spite as I don’t need it and I will spend it on myself as I will have control of the money .
This has nothing to do with revenge , he is dead , she is the sister of an old mutual friend so she knew all about my son and his behaviour etc .
I even reached out and told her if she wanted to rent the hose for a year to find an alternative I would do it bellow market value , value is around £1300 per month she wanted to pay me £250 if I let her stay 5 years. . I said no .
Am I being unfair ? This guy spend his life ignoring his son , he knew I struggled in the early years , he choose not to be a part of his life and he never gave him a penny . No I do t need it and neither does my son thanks to me and my husband but it’s his right and it’s his money .

OP posts:

TheMorgenmuffel · 03/12/2025 06:50

Your son is entitled to this. You have a duty to act in your son's best interests. It is not in his best interests to give away his inheritance or any part of it.

Dollymylove · 03/12/2025 06:51

Not your problem. Its your sons money hid future.. Invest it wisely x

firstofallimadelight · 03/12/2025 06:53

Your son will need care for the rest of his life, put the money in a trust to go toward his care after you and your husband are gone.

Also you can’t decide to spend or give away his money (as they are saying) it’s not your money.

Block all of them and let your solicitor sort it.

Joeylove88 · 03/12/2025 07:07

Whatever this money ends up being used on it is absolutely right that it is your son's money and is the least he deserves after being adandoned by his own father his whole life. Her issues are nothing to do with you and she should of sorted her own financial security put alot sooner. I hope this gets resolved soon for you all.

Anotherdayanotherpound · 03/12/2025 07:08

DysmalRadius · 03/12/2025 00:40

I'm not sure you would actually be allowed to redirect an inheritance on your son's behalf would you? It certainly wouldn't be in his best interest to give money to this woman, so you cannot prioritise her over him.

This. You’re legally obliged to act in his interests if you’re a trustee of his money . It’s not actually in your gift to give it away

SparkyBlue · 03/12/2025 07:09

OP in your circumstances I wouldn’t give them a second thought. Obviously they never thought of your son all the years when you were struggling. Fair play to you for building such a wonderful life for yourself. I have a child with asd which isn’t very severe (and it’s still very tough) but I know from parenting groups that some parents have an awful lot to deal with so I’m in awe of you going to get an education while looking after a child with such high care needs.
I just wouldn’t engage with any of them and just get the house sold and do what you need to do for your son and have a blast at Disney .

DiscoBeat · 03/12/2025 07:17

You need to keep your emotions out of it - the money rightfully belongs to your son. Who knows if it will be. Lifeline to him years from now.

Redburnett · 03/12/2025 07:20

Stop engaging with anyone except the officials dealing with your DS's father's estate and wait for the money to reach your son/you. Block the people who are trying to guilt trip you, your son is entitled to his inheritance - he got nothing from his bio-father (apart from genes) until now, at least he will now have money to support him. TBH I think you were unwise to ever enter into any negotiations over renting out the property but that is past now. Avoid social media and remember that you are acting in your DS's best interests.

goshness · 03/12/2025 07:28

As others have said, it’s legally your son’s money and you shouldn’t feel bad about that. You tried to be reasonable with the partner, offering her a year at a low rate in order to find a new home, which is very fair of you but she didn’t want that. How you choose to spend the money on behalf of your son is none of their business.

Dancingsquirrels · 03/12/2025 07:30

If your son is an adult who lacks capacity to manage his own affairs, I don't understand how you have legal authority to be making decisions and instructing a solicitor on his behalf. Have you been appointed as guardian / legal representative by the court or similar administrative process?

In any event, this money belongs to your son and you can't give it away

I have sympathy for the woman losing her home, but it's legally not your money to give away

You'll presumably need to set up a trust to keep son's inheritance separate from your own household assets and income

ItsNotMeEither · 03/12/2025 07:32

I didn’t vote. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, you’re acting for you son. But, if you wanted to be really nice, could you meet her in the middle. Offer to rent it to her for two years at €400 a month. Make sure it’s enough to cover all costs. Get a proper tenancy agreement. That gives her a decent length of time to save towards whatever comes next for her.

From what you’ve said, she came along well after your relationship was over. While you’re not responsible for her situation, who knows what promises he made to her. Easier said than done when it’s not me, but, she’s also grieving a 15 year relationship and about to be homeless.

CowTown · 03/12/2025 07:34

So we have a disgruntled girlfriend who is trying to swindle a child with special needs out of his rightful inheritance. She can swivel.

MILLYmo0se · 03/12/2025 07:34

The thing is even if you want to do something for her, like live in the house for £1000+ a less than market rent a month, you can't. You are representing your son and legally cannot do anything that would leave him with less than he is legally entitled to.
The other thing is if the law in your home country is that wills do not exist, wives and children inherit automatically, then your exs partner has always know this was going to happen. There was no way for her to be left the home so what was her plan? Even if they had a civil partnership that would only entitle her to 5 years in the home, then what? It's different to here where a woman could be led to believe she's been protected in a will, or can have a case for at least a % of the home in certain circumstances, she knew where she stood legally. Maybe she didn't realise your child's situation and thought she'd be dealing with a young adult she could bamboozle into letting her stay, who knows

Imdunfer · 03/12/2025 07:36

I understand the OP and her need to protect the future of her son.

But I'm shocked by the lack of empathy of the people who have replied to this for a woman who has had a partner supporting them emotionally and quite possibly financially (unlikely she was paying rent), who has lost him suddenly and unexpectedly after 15 years.

OP, I don't think you have any options here, it's not your money and you are, I think, legally obliged to take all of it on behalf of your son. But I do feel sorry for your ex's partner whose world has been turned upside down and is now homeless. None of what your ex did is her fault.

But do tell anyone that criticises you that you are legally obliged to take the money, there is no other option. You probably, strictly legally, shouldn't even have offered her a below market rent, your duty is to act in the best interests of your son.

matresense · 03/12/2025 07:37

I think it’s time for a clean break and sell the house before this lady acquires tenant rights from you, as no good relationship is likely to be possible. It’s your son’s money and the fact that she was in a precarious position and didn’t save as she went is not your fault.

Dozer · 03/12/2025 07:37

@ItsNotMeEither OP offered similar but for a shorter period and more reasomable rent - unwisely IMO given this person’s actions - and was rejected.

This person made informed decisions about her relationship, money and housing, then a sad, foreseeable scenario came to pass.

Ignore the people contacting you.

Hendersso · 03/12/2025 07:38

Your son’s father failed to support him financially and emotionally. He will need that money for his care. If it was a ridiculous amount of money maybe I’d be tempted to give her a small amount for a deposit. But it’s not yours to give it’s your sons. She should have protected herself which as an adult would be the first thing I would have done.

Rivertrudge · 03/12/2025 07:41

The situation regarding the ownership of the house was the decision and choice of your son's father. His partner knew the situation and accepted it, or at least tolerated it, as she did nothing to change it and stayed living with the man.

Not only do you not have the responsibility to worry about her, you don’t have the right to disadvantage your son financially by doing so. Your responsibility and duty are to care for his interests, not hers.

Ignore and block the people telling you differently. Leave the matter in the hands of your lawyers. Your ex let his partner down, but it’s not up to you to make that good. His selfishness has affected your son's life once, and there’s absolutely no need to let it happen again.

herbalteabag · 03/12/2025 07:41

The money could make the future easier for your son so you're not being unreasonable at all. His dad chose to opt out of his life and take no responsibility, so this is the only thing your son will get from him. It's their problem that nothing was sorted properly, unfortunately for her.

Bibanova · 03/12/2025 07:43

You said it was often you and your son against the world and always seemed to win… just want to say OP, totally in awe of you, it couldn’t have been easy but when there is so much love it always alway comes through… by the way, you won again and well done. There is nothing like a mother’s love… keeping on keeping on 💫🌟

Sassylovesbooks · 03/12/2025 07:49

Firstly don't engage with this woman, her family or your ex's - block them all. Your ex had 15 years to marry his partner and/or make provision for her in his Will, he chose not to do either. It's entirely possibly he lied to her, made her believe she'd be financially supported if he died. Unfortunately, for her that's not the case. You were willing to allow her to live in the property for a year, until she could find alternative accommodation, and pay below market value rent. Instead of coming back with a realistic figure, she came back with £250 per month, which is utterly ridiculous considering market value is £1,300 per month. If she'd met you in the middle, I'm sure you'd have agreed. You're not responsible for her housing, that's on her. You aren't being greedy, you are going to receive what your son is legally entitled too. I'm assuming these people don't know where you live? If you start being harassed, fake accounts, so they can try to engage, please speak to your solicitor.

DonicaLewinsky · 03/12/2025 07:52

Glad other people have made points about it not being in your gift to offer her a cheaper rent. Be careful there. It's not actually up to you to start being all bountiful, you have a duty to your son.

Moveoverdarlin · 03/12/2025 07:53

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. They’re are strangers to you. You owe them nothing. He did nothing for your son and this is the least he can do. I wouldn’t communicate with the woman directly and just leave it in the hands of solicitors to fight your corner. But I wouldn’t rent it out, you need a clean break and to get the money in your bank, fight like tooth and nail to get every last penny. You need to detach yourself from the emotions and not worry about this woman who you have literally never met. Fuck ‘em. Do it for your boy.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 03/12/2025 07:54

You are in a position of trust in relation to your son and couldn't give away his money even if you wanted to. The girlfriend was happy to have a relationship with a man who was ignoring and failing to support his son, so is not in a position to take the moral high ground against you - especially as she took no steps to protect her position while she could.

Andthatrightsoon · 03/12/2025 07:55

Divide the inheritance per year of your son's life that his father didn't contribute financially or emotionally. It's right you do this.

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