Ex and father to my oldest died and I’m being accused of being unfair regarding inheritance

[freakingscared]

It’s a long one but I will try and make it as short as possible .
My oldest is a young adult but has severe autism , not independent, non verbal etc . The dad and I where together 3 years and my child was born when I was 19 and him 24 . We separated during pregnancy as he did not want the baby and he was very abusive including physical. I moved abroad and never returned to my home country to live but I visit often . He saw his the baby until he was 20 months when I visited so about 4 times in total and then told me he was not ready to be a father and he would deal with it when my son was older . It’s been over 20 years since we had any contact .
I have struggled a lot when he was small working 2 jobs then back to Uni , with his diagnosis and minimum help from anyone around me . I used to say it was us against the world and it really was that way , but we somehow always won . Years passed I found a good job and career , have my own home remarried to a wonderful man who is a fabulous stepdad and dad to our other 2 children .
Anyway out of the blue I received a message on social media looking for my son . I found it odd but after confirming it was someone from my home country needing help to trace my son as his father died and he was sole heir . I was a bit shocked and had to explain and show I represented my son due to his disability etc etc .
Anyway he lived with this person for the last 15 years but the house was in his name and insurance paid the house in full and she has no rights over it as they never declared they civil partnership . I started proceedings to sell the house and suddenly all of her family and his are messaging me calling me a scammer and a gold digger and telling me I’m making her homeless out of spite as I don’t need it and I will spend it on myself as I will have control of the money .
This has nothing to do with revenge , he is dead , she is the sister of an old mutual friend so she knew all about my son and his behaviour etc .
I even reached out and told her if she wanted to rent the hose for a year to find an alternative I would do it bellow market value , value is around £1300 per month she wanted to pay me £250 if I let her stay 5 years. . I said no .
Am I being unfair ? This guy spend his life ignoring his son , he knew I struggled in the early years , he choose not to be a part of his life and he never gave him a penny . No I do t need it and neither does my son thanks to me and my husband but it’s his right and it’s his money .

This is your son's money. You owe it to him to prioritise his needs and imo you don't have the right to be generous towards this woman with his inheritance. It sounds like his needs are significant and it's absolutely right that his father's estate should provide for him. Even more so, given that his father provided so little for him when he was alive.

It must be very difficult for this woman to now have to leave her home after losing her partner, but that is the risk you take when you choose to live with someone without protecting yourself financially. She could have made different choices. She is not your ds's responsibility.

If she or her family members keep trying to guilt trip you, then that is harassment and you will need to send them a cease and desist letter asking them to stop.

I presume his family weren't bombarding you with offers of support when your ex turned out to be a piece of shit? No. Thought not.

You're acting in your son's best interest and doing a great job by the sounds of it. Good luck.

If your son doesn't have capacity to deal with the money yet you have a duty to deal with it for him in the best way possible. Your hands are tied. Even if you wanted to give it away I really don't think you could say that was in his interests.

Don't engage. You are unlikely to be in touch with the people again. You are doing the right thing.

If your son is the legal heir you cannot do this. This is his money and everything has to be in his interests

What will your child do as you get older? He will need so much help and support - it’s the only decent thing his father has done for him

Nobody is a scammer here. This woman has just lost her partner and her home. OP doesnt owe her anything, but I do feel a bit sorry for her.

You are obliged to act in your sons best interest

You or your DH could drop dead tomorrow. DH could go bankrupt, run away with the circus, etc etc. My point being you never know whats round the corner so don’t give away what is legally your sons. I’m not even sure if you could, as it sounds like a similar thing to Power of Attorney where you have to act in the incapacitated persons best interests.
If his father had been bothered he could have got married, written a Will, made provision for his girlfriend but he didn’t and that was his choice.

Seems a bit harsh. This situation wasn’t of her making, it was entirely the ex.

I do have sympathy for her - she has lost her partner and now the home that they shared.

But feelings aside, OP has a duty of care towards her son, and ensuring his inheritance is ring fenced for his future needs is the right thing to do, both legally and morally.

It’s not clear what country you’re in but in England the law would allow his girlfriend to make a claim against his estate under The Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975 if she was financially dependent upon him. She would have to show that they’d lived together as a couple for more than two years.

This. If OP wants to financially assist this woman, she can do so but it needs to be from her own assets.

I do feel sorry for her but I think you are obliged to act in your sons interests. It’s his inheritance not yours. That said I know someone who was in a similar situation as the woman and she got a lump sum off the estate ( his adult son agreed) as had been paying half the mortgage for 12 years and that had created an interest.

Sell the house, get the money in good place for your son future and block them all.

I assume the ex did nothing in respect of leaving the property to the son it is just the law in his country that assets go to wife (didn’t have one) and children (OP’s son). There is no legal concept of a will. He possibly didn’t want his partner to have any rights to the property (or anything) whilst alive but didn’t think through what happened to the property when he died. I’m sure it wasn’t a conscious decision so his son could inherit. He sounds an awful man all round

The money is your son’s.

You can’t give away someone else’s assets or turn down an inheritance on his behalf.

I would ask the solicitor to explain this to them and that any further contact will be viewed as harassment and action taken accordingly.

It is her responsibility that she moved into a man’s house with no rights and no security provided for her in the Will, Life Insurance etc. A situation constantly warned against on MN. Her lookout if she didn’t spend 15 years building her own security.

But as other PP have said the moral / compassionate arguments are irrelevant. The inheritance belongs to your son and you cannot give away what is legally his.

Instruct a solicitor to handle this and step back. Don’t get drawn in, this was your ex’s business not yours, make the decisions for your son and his heir.

Well so what?

The OP’s Ds doesn’t have capacity to agree, and so can’t make that choice, and unlike your friend’s son, presumably , will remain vulnerable throughout his life so needs the resources.

If wills are not valid and wife and children inherit then there was nothing stopping him marrying her if he wanted her to inherit.
He didn't.
Therefore only his child inherits
Case closed.

These were my first thoughts as well.

If it was you and your son in that house and she had inherited the lot - do you think she'd let you and your son stay or help you financially and give your son the money he rightfully deserves? I don't think she would especially by the way she's reacted to you.

Keep on going with what you're doing, you're doing the right thing.

Your son’s father was a massive asshole. That poor woman. Good thing your son didn’t grow up with his influence. I’d block all her family and friends that are being awful and continue on. I wouldn’t blame her for being unreasonable as she is grieving her partner and her home. I do think your offer to rent was the right thing to do and she came back too low on that for it to be an option anymore.

So keep going and I don’t think evicting her will hurt your karma. Your son has every right to inherit and it does sound planned

As pp have said, you don’t actually have a choice here, your responsibility is to act in your son’s best interests as he cannot act for himself. I can see the moral issues you raise, but in this case, you don’t have the option of taking a more nuanced approach. If you had inherited yourself, then it would be different.

The DF has done the right thing at long last, be happy for that. You say you and your now DH can provide for your son but given his needs will be lifelong it’s really great that you have this money for his future and that after all these years he’s finally taken some responsibility.

The only thing that counts in this situation is the law. The money wasn't left to you, it was left to your son.

The executor has a legal duty to transfer the entire estate to your son. You have the legal duty to act in your son's interests.

That's all that the ex's partner and her family need to be told.
Even if you felt terrible for the woman and felt some kind of moral responsibility, there would not be a thing you could do about it. It's not your inheritance and it's not your money to give to her, or to lose by letting her stay.

Another one to say it’s your son’s birth-right.

At which point it might be impossible to evict her. If the OP wants to be "nice" she can offer her some money from the sale of the house without promising anything in advance but as others have pointed out it's not the OP's inheritance but her son's.

Absolutely do not feel guilty. Legally I doubt you could even choose to give her the house as that would be depriving your ward of their own assets - morally your son is a sultry entitled to this. I’d feel bad for her if she hadn’t known about it - but she knew he abandoned his own son and chose to be in a relationship with him. As for the “family” - I assume this family also didn’t bother to involve themselves in your son’s life and support you during the hard times? I think if so they’ve shown who they are - don’t waste time on their opinions.

Of course you’re being incredibly fair. You offered to let her stay and pay fair rent until she found elsewhere which she refused. That’s her choice, she needs to find somewhere else to live. Your son is the heir, he is entitled to every penny from the estate. Ignore the noise and continue advocating for him.