Ex and father to my oldest died and I’m being accused of being unfair regarding inheritance

[freakingscared]

It’s a long one but I will try and make it as short as possible .
My oldest is a young adult but has severe autism , not independent, non verbal etc . The dad and I where together 3 years and my child was born when I was 19 and him 24 . We separated during pregnancy as he did not want the baby and he was very abusive including physical. I moved abroad and never returned to my home country to live but I visit often . He saw his the baby until he was 20 months when I visited so about 4 times in total and then told me he was not ready to be a father and he would deal with it when my son was older . It’s been over 20 years since we had any contact .
I have struggled a lot when he was small working 2 jobs then back to Uni , with his diagnosis and minimum help from anyone around me . I used to say it was us against the world and it really was that way , but we somehow always won . Years passed I found a good job and career , have my own home remarried to a wonderful man who is a fabulous stepdad and dad to our other 2 children .
Anyway out of the blue I received a message on social media looking for my son . I found it odd but after confirming it was someone from my home country needing help to trace my son as his father died and he was sole heir . I was a bit shocked and had to explain and show I represented my son due to his disability etc etc .
Anyway he lived with this person for the last 15 years but the house was in his name and insurance paid the house in full and she has no rights over it as they never declared they civil partnership . I started proceedings to sell the house and suddenly all of her family and his are messaging me calling me a scammer and a gold digger and telling me I’m making her homeless out of spite as I don’t need it and I will spend it on myself as I will have control of the money .
This has nothing to do with revenge , he is dead , she is the sister of an old mutual friend so she knew all about my son and his behaviour etc .
I even reached out and told her if she wanted to rent the hose for a year to find an alternative I would do it bellow market value , value is around £1300 per month she wanted to pay me £250 if I let her stay 5 years. . I said no .
Am I being unfair ? This guy spend his life ignoring his son , he knew I struggled in the early years , he choose not to be a part of his life and he never gave him a penny . No I do t need it and neither does my son thanks to me and my husband but it’s his right and it’s his money .

Same.

OP’s hands are tied. I’m sure the solicitor would have mentioned if there were any flexibility. Before blocking she could say that and their anger should be towards her Ex who is the one person that decided to leave his current partner nothing. Not even two pennies to rub together or a pot to piss in.

Op you need to look after you and your son. You say hes non-verbal. There may well come a time when you arent able to physically care for him. That is went this inheritance will be needed to pay for his care.

Don't let them bully you. Let the solicitor deal with it. It's your son's inheritance.

Don't offer her anything.

All that is between her and her deceased partner. Your only priority now is your son's interest. Carry on as you are.

Thank you all just to answer some questions , she knew about my son and she knew how he was towards me too . I know they tried for a child for years and she lost a few but no children .
In my country wills are not valid wife and children inherit . Even if they where in a civil partnership that would only mean she could live in the house 5 years it would never be hers .
The only other possibility to selling would be renting as that would still be in my sons best interest but I honestly don’t want all the implications that it brings with tax and insurance etc .
Money will be going in a trust for my son .
This all started almost 5 months ago and I’ve been very “ mechanical “ about it because just like most of you said I think it’s his right and that’s it so I wanted reassurance I wasn’t being awful .
This will by no means make a direct change in my sons circumstances but it’s his right and his money . Maybe I will take him more often to disneyworld as it’s his favourite place 😜, but he has everything he needs and I will be by his side .

It’s your son’s inheritance. Stay strong @freakingscared , don’t give a fucking inch.

Block everyone who is messaging you and don’t give it another moment’s thought. They could have married or formed a civil partnership; she could have accepted your kind offer of below market rent. Your son needs and deserves that money.

Oh, please.

OP says the woman knew about the child.
Furthermore information about property right, inheritance, marital rights etc is readily available. She was responsible for informing herself and managing her own life accordingly.

Her failure to do so is hardly the OP’s problem.

She was an adult woman with the agency to walk away at any time. She is not a victim. Stop infantilizing women.

You need to think long term for your son not some random woman. That money could be the difference between him having years of good quality rather than poor quality care after you are unable to be his carer or pass yourself.

If DS was verbal I highly doubt hed turn the money down, so in your position I wouldn't feel I had any right to, thats your job as his advocate. I would be putting the money aside to add to his inheritance from you when the time comes that you can't care for him.

This is actually really simple. Your son has profound needs that mean he needs lifetime support. As his legal representative, you have to prioritize his interests.

If you don’t properly manage his accounts and affairs, you could be removed from the role. You might still be his caregiver, but if someone else has his power of attorney, life will be much more complicated.

She could have arranged insurance herself?

Money will be going in a trust for my son

Can you put the money into a trust just like that (so your son won’t lose any disability benefits)?

I thought the money would have to be left with a trust already set up as part of the will? I didn’t think you could do it afterwards without affecting any benefits. I also have a child with additional needs.

Just wondering if I’m wrong about this?

Hold the phone 🤔
They are calling you a scammer and a gold digger? 😨 cheeky bastards.

Imagine if this was flipped. Bear with me. ✋️

Imagine if for instance, they had been married, and she inherited that money. 💰
Would she have sought your son out, and given him his fair share of his deceased fathers wealth? 🧐
Would she have sold the house, so that he could have a lump sum, or shared any funds that they had in the bank? 🤔

No? I didn't think so either 👎

Nah, YANBU.
Call it missed payments, pocket money and anything else for your son, as having had zero contribution from his sperm donor all his life, he now gets it all, a full circle moment. 👏

I hope you take him to Disneyland, and I hope you all have a ball 😎
@freakingscared

I don't blame her for his life choices, I blame her for her life choices. She could have chosen not to enter into a relationship with a man who was unwilling to make any kind of provision for their future. But she didn't. It's a risk that she took.

He probably lied to her. You think an abusive man is going to be totally honest and not at all manipulative? Never made false promises? What sane woman would build a life for 15yrs for a man if he actually told her he is going to leave her nothing when he dies? And that she better be ready to be broke and homeless?

Your son will need full financial support for the rest of his life. He needs the money more than this woman does. I would stay strong on this.

Stop blaming women for the decisions of abusive twats.
Editing to add, and don’t trot out the women in abusive relationships can just walk away at any time. Like it’s sooo easy.

I don’t think you can take out life insurance on a boyfriend/girlfriend. The person you insure has to be a relative or in a civil partnership or spouse.

It’s not the OP’s problem to fix. But I have sympathy for her situation and unless you’ve seen how abusive men manipulate women into believing they will be taken care of, you can’t really understand the dynamics here and how she isn’t at fault. Her family are rightly shocked and dismayed at his treatment of her. She has no right to any inheritance of course, but I don’t think she deserved what he did in any way.

In the nicest possible way, she can get stuffed. It’s on her if she wants to contest anything legally. It’s the risk she took when she didn’t get around to updating wills, civil partnerships etc.

Your son, and his, his biological heir, is simply receiving the inheritance ... The financial support that your son should have been getting all along, But didn't.

Yes it is unfortunate that this man who had absolutely nothing to do with you or his son, and went on and lived his own life for a long time with a new relationship, and now he's died, but it was his fault to never put the house in a joint name or never marry this other person or never enter any type of civil arrangement that would have provided for her upon his death and as a result your son is the only heir.

If your son had been able to, then he would be the one who has to make the decision about whether or not to "kick her out of her house"... It's not her house. It was his house, and if he wanted her to have it upon his passing he would have arranged for it. He didn't, so, there you go. Don't feel bad about this. All of the problems, every single one of these issues, was your ex partners fault.

Good. Evict her.

He was a shitty father and a shitty boyfriend.

I would take pleasure in evicting her. She’s the one who is a scammer. He never married her ans refused to file taxes with her. She’s nothing,

Not the abandoned child’s problem