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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brain bender

151 replies

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:37

I’m not sure how easy this is going to be to explain but here goes….

I was never dead set on having kids - no strong feelings either way. But then I got accidentally pregnant and had my DS almost 3 at 32. Since he existed I’m so glad he does and I know that without having a child it’s a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice. When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!!

And following on from this - I’ve never been married or found my person and based on my experience i’m not missing much! But is this a similar situation like the above? You can’t possibly know how good it is until you have it? I don’t feel like I’m missing out but is that cause I don’t know what I’m missing?

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 02/12/2025 23:40

I wasn’t going to have dc but had a sudden yearning. I now have 3 (which wasn’t entirely the plan - dd1 then twins) my life is so much richer with much more laughter than I’d have without dc. It’s also expensive, stress-filled and frustrating. But it balances out.

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:41

I'm always very very glad when those who don't want children don't have children.

Babies aren't library books.

You can't return them because you thought they'd be good but realise they're not for you after all.

Tryingatleast · 02/12/2025 23:43

On the partner thing I think you hear so much about the bad aspects but dh was there for me so many times and we’ve laughed and cried together over the years. Broken up now and I think if it had kept the way it was I’d have been content for life

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:52

Tryingatleast · 02/12/2025 23:43

On the partner thing I think you hear so much about the bad aspects but dh was there for me so many times and we’ve laughed and cried together over the years. Broken up now and I think if it had kept the way it was I’d have been content for life

Yes so far the only one who got what I was asking! Yes this is what I mean! I’ve never ever had an amazing partner and now I don’t really want one - but is that just cause I don’t know what I’m missing

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CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:53

When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!!

Also you haven't thought this through.

You said you had 'no strong feelings either way.'

But when a woman says she 'doesn't want kids ever', that is a very strong feeling, so you should probably believe her because she'll know more about that than you.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:53

TeenLifeMum · 02/12/2025 23:40

I wasn’t going to have dc but had a sudden yearning. I now have 3 (which wasn’t entirely the plan - dd1 then twins) my life is so much richer with much more laughter than I’d have without dc. It’s also expensive, stress-filled and frustrating. But it balances out.

I agree with all you’ve said 😊 but people who don’t want and don’t have will never know that! I wonder if it’s the same for a partner

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 02/12/2025 23:53

My DH (sadly passed away much too young) was wonderful. Loving him and knowing he loved me was amazing. Sure all relationships, like having kids, is a bit of a rollercoaster but knowing I had him in my life for 8 short years and I’m a much better person. Plus he gave me two children.
But it’s two different things. Is wanting kids a biological drive that some people just don’t have or a societal expectation? While I do know people who have said they don’t want kids, I know more people who are childless due to circumstances rather than desire (not met a partner, infertility etc).
Ass pointed out, children are not returnable - you can’t just hand them back when it’s not what you thought. So if on the fence, better not. I mean there’s plenty of evidence of people who blatantly did NOT love or want kids. Better if they had known this before and took steps to prevent it happening.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:54

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:41

I'm always very very glad when those who don't want children don't have children.

Babies aren't library books.

You can't return them because you thought they'd be good but realise they're not for you after all.

I never said they are - but you can’t know what it feels like without doing it can you?

OP posts:
Original poster
jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:54

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:53

When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!!

Also you haven't thought this through.

You said you had 'no strong feelings either way.'

But when a woman says she 'doesn't want kids ever', that is a very strong feeling, so you should probably believe her because she'll know more about that than you.

Yes I’m sure she would! I just mean that it’s something you can’t ever 100% know until you do it

OP posts:
CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:56

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:54

I never said they are - but you can’t know what it feels like without doing it can you?

Show quote history

Are you advocating women shouldn't be believed because they don't know their own gut/non maternal instincts, and they should just crack on regardless incase they're missing out?

I have 3 DC and I wanted every single one of them but I would never think a woman who knows her own mind and doesn't want kids, should have them just incase.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:56

mondaytosunday · 02/12/2025 23:53

My DH (sadly passed away much too young) was wonderful. Loving him and knowing he loved me was amazing. Sure all relationships, like having kids, is a bit of a rollercoaster but knowing I had him in my life for 8 short years and I’m a much better person. Plus he gave me two children.
But it’s two different things. Is wanting kids a biological drive that some people just don’t have or a societal expectation? While I do know people who have said they don’t want kids, I know more people who are childless due to circumstances rather than desire (not met a partner, infertility etc).
Ass pointed out, children are not returnable - you can’t just hand them back when it’s not what you thought. So if on the fence, better not. I mean there’s plenty of evidence of people who blatantly did NOT love or want kids. Better if they had known this before and took steps to prevent it happening.

Gosh I’m so sorry I can’t even imagine!

Yeah this is what I mean - I think there’s lots of things that have an influence, and it’s something you can’t know till you do it by which time it’s too late.

I wonder if it’s the same with a partner - I don’t care that I’m single but I’ve never really had an amazing partner

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 02/12/2025 23:57

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:54

I never said they are - but you can’t know what it feels like without doing it can you?

Show quote history

In that case, I think you should go and manufacture nuclear weapons for a living

I'm going to guess that you don't currently do that. And you can't possibly know how it feels unless you actually do it.

So I'm telling you, it's the most amazing fulfilling career ever. You should go and do that. I cannot for the life of me think how you can dismiss it if you've never tried it.

So I assume that you're happy to try it yes?

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:57

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:54

Yes I’m sure she would! I just mean that it’s something you can’t ever 100% know until you do it

Show quote history

I'm 56 and I know at least 5 or 6 women my age and older who very much did know 100%.

I don't know how (because it's not my business to ask) but they have zero regrets.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:58

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:56

Are you advocating women shouldn't be believed because they don't know their own gut/non maternal instincts, and they should just crack on regardless incase they're missing out?

I have 3 DC and I wanted every single one of them but I would never think a woman who knows her own mind and doesn't want kids, should have them just incase.

Show quote history

No not at all! I absolutely believe in choice for all women. I’m not trying to tell anyone they don’t know best.

it’s just a fact isn’t it that you can’t know what it feels like to be a mother until you are one. It’s a decision that has to be made blindly

OP posts:
Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 00:00

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:57

I'm 56 and I know at least 5 or 6 women my age and older who very much did know 100%.

I don't know how (because it's not my business to ask) but they have zero regrets.

Show quote history

Yes 100% based on their experiences and thoughts as a person who isn’t a mother and I don’t doubt they have no regrets as they know no different

I suppose I’m basing off my own experience in that the emotions and love really surprised me and until you actually do it you can’t know

OP posts:
Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 00:02

EmeraldRoulette · 02/12/2025 23:57

In that case, I think you should go and manufacture nuclear weapons for a living

I'm going to guess that you don't currently do that. And you can't possibly know how it feels unless you actually do it.

So I'm telling you, it's the most amazing fulfilling career ever. You should go and do that. I cannot for the life of me think how you can dismiss it if you've never tried it.

So I assume that you're happy to try it yes?

Show quote history

I’m not trying to tell anyone they’re wrong and can’t have the opinion they want - I’m just basing on my experience.

I didn’t care either way - but I had no idea the love and emotion I would feel once I had a child. And it’s not something that can be replicated in any other way either

OP posts:
BretonStripe · 03/12/2025 00:05

I get you OP. Some people on here are just being argumentative arses.

I wasn't sure if I wanted children or not. Then met my partner, fell in love and got incredibly broody. Lucky enough to have two amazing children now. I don't think it is easy to describe being a mum unless you've been one. I also respect and trust women who know motherhood is not for them.

I'm sorry you've not found your soul mate yet, keep an open mind and heart 😊

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 00:14

BretonStripe · 03/12/2025 00:05

I get you OP. Some people on here are just being argumentative arses.

I wasn't sure if I wanted children or not. Then met my partner, fell in love and got incredibly broody. Lucky enough to have two amazing children now. I don't think it is easy to describe being a mum unless you've been one. I also respect and trust women who know motherhood is not for them.

I'm sorry you've not found your soul mate yet, keep an open mind and heart 😊

Thankyou!

Obv I'm not saying you have to have kids but list based on my experience - there’s no other way to describe being a mother and the connection. It took me by surprise!

Ah that’s lovely I’m so glad there’s lots of people who do meet their person and are just happy!

My parents are still married and in love and I suppose I’ll never live up to that! In the past I’ve gone too fast before I knew the person well enough! Almost like I just wanted someone who ticked the boxes rather than the right person! And now I’m the polar opposite!

OP posts:
JetFlight · 03/12/2025 00:16

I get what you’re saying too. You’re not saying everyone should have a child, you’re saying that you can’t understand what certain decisions entail because you never experience the decision you didn’t make.
We all try to make the best decisions we can going with what we know and what our instincts are telling us, and hope they’re the right ones.

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2025 00:18

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:54

I never said they are - but you can’t know what it feels like without doing it can you?

Show quote history

But what does that matter, if people don’t actually want it?

Minjou · 03/12/2025 00:18

I've never climbed Everest but I'm absolutely sure I dont want to and would hate it.

You don't have to try things to know you have no interest in them.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 00:22

JetFlight · 03/12/2025 00:16

I get what you’re saying too. You’re not saying everyone should have a child, you’re saying that you can’t understand what certain decisions entail because you never experience the decision you didn’t make.
We all try to make the best decisions we can going with what we know and what our instincts are telling us, and hope they’re the right ones.

Yes that’s exactly it! Like the saying you can’t miss what you never had.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 00:23

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2025 00:18

But what does that matter, if people don’t actually want it?

Show quote history

It doesn’t really - just was something I was thinking about and posted here sharing my thoughts. Wondered if it’s something others think about. I’m not telling anyone what to do.

More like thinking aloud!

OP posts:
Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 00:25

Minjou · 03/12/2025 00:18

I've never climbed Everest but I'm absolutely sure I dont want to and would hate it.

You don't have to try things to know you have no interest in them.

Edited

Hahaha yes agree with the first one!

But the second one not so much - again only based on my experience. I was not bothered about kids. But I ended up having one. And I could have gone my entire life having none and being happy with that BUT now I know what it’s like to have a child it’s indescribable. And I would never have known!

OP posts:
Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 00:52

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:56

Are you advocating women shouldn't be believed because they don't know their own gut/non maternal instincts, and they should just crack on regardless incase they're missing out?

I have 3 DC and I wanted every single one of them but I would never think a woman who knows her own mind and doesn't want kids, should have them just incase.

Show quote history

Just read this again and I want to make sure I’m crystal clear that is absolutely NOT what I’m saying! I’m not sure why but on here in general there always seems to be someone that’s as negative as possible!

I don’t even understand why that would be your first thought? I’ve just posted about something I was pondering and wondered what other people thought.

Like I said it’s something you can’t know until you experience it and there’s no explanation that can do it justice - that’s not me saying women who don’t want kids are lying, but I wonder if it happened would it change their opinion?

OP posts: