Brain bender

[jamcorrosion]

I’m not sure how easy this is going to be to explain but here goes….

I was never dead set on having kids - no strong feelings either way. But then I got accidentally pregnant and had my DS almost 3 at 32. Since he existed I’m so glad he does and I know that without having a child it’s a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice. When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!!

And following on from this - I’ve never been married or found my person and based on my experience i’m not missing much! But is this a similar situation like the above? You can’t possibly know how good it is until you have it? I don’t feel like I’m missing out but is that cause I don’t know what I’m missing?

OP I'm 99% sure that I would love my non existent child more than I loved myself, but what if I didn't? My grandmother hadn't seen my mum since she put her into care when my mum was 5 and her brothers 4,3.
That's risky for someone who knew they didn't want kids from 9 years old to assume that motherhood will just fall into place - I'm far to pragmatic for that.

Plus it's a lot of sacrifice for something you don't want. It's like offering me fame and fortune if I spent weeks in the jungle being forced to eat spiders dicks - that's only appealing if you want fame and fortune and aren't arachnophobic.

I know 100% I do not want children, always have known that. I don’t want a baby, toddler, preschooler, pre-teen, teen, young adult, adult adult, grandchildren. None of that. I obviously don’t have first hand experience but I know and understand enough it’s not a life I’ve ever wanted.

Yeah I agree with all of that! I’m not saying women who don’t want to should do it anyway cause it will always work out well! Like you say what if it didn’t? It’s not something you can try out and walk away if it’s not for you.

It is a lot of sacrifice - but again it doesn’t actually feel like that in reality, I mean some days it does haha! But in general for me personally it’s a privilege to watch him learn and grown and just a new and different lifestyle. But not in a bad way.

It’s just something I wondered about as if I hadn’t got accidentally pregnant I may never have had children and I don’t think I’d have been bothered by that. But knowing what I know now - if I knew how it would feel in advance I probably would have had one or more sooner

Yeah and I respect your choice and opinion it’s your life and you’re entitled to live it however you want.

it’s just something I was thinking about as I wasn’t overly maternal and got pregnant accidentally but I think if I’d have know how it would feel to be a mother then I probably would have done it sooner and/or had more. Despite my pre-motherhood self thinking I wasn’t bothered if that makes sense?

The human race wouldn't exist if we didn't have people like you, who despite the financial hardship, the vulnerability of being tied to a potentially bad co parent , the terrible stuff you read on here and the overall state of the world - you still did it anyway.

Please forgive me if that sounds terribly pessimistic but those instincts of mine are for my own self preservation and your instincts are for the preservation of everyone else, so we absolutely need people like you 🫶.

It sounds a bit insulting but I’m sure that was probably the point!

I think you can know some parts and then the question is how much would the bad parts bother you and the good parts satisfy you

🤭 Sorry, I wasn't meant to but, this is how not on the fence some of us truly feel about having child/being a parent. It's so binary when you aren't where you are. Like having gender alignment surgery - you might love being a male , how would you know unless you tried it.

I think I know what you're saying, op,
You never desired to have children, but then you had a child, and now you can't ever imagine your life being without him, and it's been an adventure that has filled you with more indescribable and unimaginable richness and joys then you ever would have believed.
And you're wondering if having a partner is the same? You don't have one, you never wanted one, but you're wondering if you had one, would it be the most wonderful thing ever?

Well I think that's kind of a little bit of fear of missing out, we always wonder about the path not taken, and is the grass greener on the other side?

The thing about kids is for the most part, they're always going to be your kids no matter how old they are, they're always a part of you, and if they're yours biologically, they're at least 50% of you. They are your direct lineage and progeny and descendants and they have your blood and your DNA.
But a partner doesn't. I think that's why more people can divorce / separate from their partners rather than separate/disinherit from their kids.
One is a person that you are legally bound to until you're not because you dissolve the contract, the other is a person who is your flesh and blood.

I think it's easier to fall in love with your child than it is to fall in love with another person though. Your child is this tiny perfect little thing that comes out of you, and you can't help but love them and protect them and be there for them and nurture them and teach them and accept them. A partner is a fully realized individual when they meet you and although they are able to change, and become your other half...some don't. They're like a big stubborn rock that refuses to budge and you have to do all the work and change yourself to suit them. Sometimes it's not such a terrible thing, as long as you like the person who you are when you change the suit them, but, it often leads to a lot of resentment.

Are you wondering if 2026 is going to be your year to find a great partner? If so, I wish you all luck in the world.

Like I said it’s something you can’t know until you experience it and there’s no explanation that can do it justice - that’s not me saying women who don’t want kids are lying, but I wonder if it happened would it change their opinion?

You do realise there are plenty of women who regret having children? It's not amazing and perfect for everyone. It was great FOR YOU. It was right FOR YOU.

I'd be a terrible mother, I know I would. I don't have the patience, I can't stand loud noises etc. You weren't sure, I 100% am. There are plenty of things which I haven't experienced, and don't want to, which other people love. It's only every with kids where people think I'll change my mind.

About climbing Everest, it’s something you can’t know until you experience it and there’s no explanation that can do it justice. Maybe if you tried it you would it change your opinion?

Or is it only having children where this applies?

I get where you’re coming from OP. I always wanted kids and I’m glad I have them. I always wanted a partner but I had two awful ones and for the last 8 years, I have decidedly NOT wanted one.
The things that makes it different is that if you’re curious, you could dip your toe into dating and just see how you feel, no obligation to marry someone and there’s always divorce (as terrible as that is, it’s not comparable to giving up a child).
My bad experiences haven’t put me off forever, but the for now keeps getting longer!

I never wanted children, I enjoyed my nieces and nephew, and my friends' children; but motherhood held no interest for me......
Then I met DH, everything changed. Even though I was the wrong side of 40, it felt right to try. We have 2 DC, I love them to bits, I am not a gushy mother, but the DC tell me I'm a good one, so I'll take that.

jamcorrosion

yes I think we hear more negatives than positives on relationships in the same way a lot of people today say they won’t have kids because they hear the tough parts, but that’s life, there’s both ups and downs!

Gotta love Mumsnet sometimes. OP starts a thread about how SHE finds it interesting that HER experience of motherhood so far has exceeded her expectations and is much more positive and fulfilling, despite earlier misgivings before the child arrived. Invites others to chat about shared experience and ponders on whether this may also translate to having a partner.

Pretty sure it's universally acknowledged that the feeling you get from being a mother is indescribable. It's incomparable.

Posters come on to try and start comparing babies to library books, and being a parent to having a career in manufacturing nuclear weapons and climbing Everest.

Jesus wept...

You didn't read properly.

If you’ve never had a really good relationship, then , yes, it likely is that you don’t know what you’re missing.
What is your relationship history like?

I’m very lucky and have never had a bad relationship! Been married for almost 28 years now, but even my relationships before I met my DH were good, happy and ended amicably.

This. I’ve been very happily married for 35 years. My DH immeasurably enriches my life by being in it.

Well, you're not wrong, but you can say that about anything. Does that mean no-one is allowed to say anything isn't for them until they've tried it?

Back in the real world, it is absolutely provably not "a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice" is it? Or at least not in a positive way, because they are plenty of shitty parents around who clearly don't feel that way about their children, you only have to watch the news to know that. Or look at all the utterly disengaged parents that get discussed by their despairing spouses on the Relationships board on here.

If having children is something that makes you happy, then you'd probably be missing out to not have them. If getting married is something that makes you happy, you're probably missing out if you don't get to do that. Are you someone who is made happy by those things? Who is to say?

no regrets 'cause they don't know what they're missing perhaps? How many people who have unintentional children regret having them? Some, i'm sure, not even close to being a sizeable fraction (that I can tell from my encounters in life...)

You can’t experience anything the same as someone else experiences, including motherhood. Every person sees things through a different lens.

I have children. Do I love them? Yes with every fibre of my being. Would I have them again if I lived my life all over again? I’m not sure.

I don’t feel different as a mother to not being a mother, so my experience is very different from yours. Just like everybody’s experience is.

Honestly, I think the really important thing is to find a way to be happy whatever your circumstances are. You can’t just find the perfect guy, and you can’t necessarily just get pregnant. And even if you do, things can still go badly wrong with illness or disability or whatever. So you can’t be open to change if the right thing comes along, but it’s much, much better not to sit around waiting for it.

Well, that holds true for a lot of things, doesn't it? How do you know that living on the other side of the world wouldn't be amazing when you haven't tried it? Or converting to Buddhism? Or choosing an entirely different career?
You don't, because none of us know what the things we don't choose are like, because we have to select a path from the available options and have our experience limited to the destination it leads to.
We make our selection based on what we do know of the option, and our knowledge of ourselves, and that has to be good enough.
I don't want to move countries, be a Buddhist or change jobs, because the life I have here, my job and my atheism are a good fit for me, and what I know of the alternatives are less attractive.
If that means I miss out on a better life, then I'll be none the wiser.

This. It's not like there is a magic recipe for happiness and you have to have all the ingredients (marriage, kids, career) in order to be happy. I got the great DH but not the kids due to fertility issues) but I managed to be happy.

I'm 56 and child free by choice, I always knew I didn't want children and I have zero regrets. Pregnancy, childbirth and mothering were not for me, I've never felt any biological urge to procreate, it's really that simple.
Please don't presume to tell women they don't know their own minds.