Page 3 | Brain bender

jamcorrosion · 2025-12-02T23:37:59+00:00

I’m not sure how easy this is going to be to explain but here goes…. I was never dead set on having kids - no strong feelings either way. But then I got accidentally pregnant and had my DS almost 3 at 32. Since he existed I’m so glad he does and I know that without having a child it’s a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice. When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!! And following on from this - I’ve never been married or found my person and based on my experience i’m not missing much! But is this a similar situation like the above? You can’t possibly know how good it is until you have it? I don’t feel like I’m missing out but is that cause I don’t know what I’m missing?

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:30

Prelim · 03/12/2025 10:48

You can’t experience anything the same as someone else experiences, including motherhood. Every person sees things through a different lens.

I have children. Do I love them? Yes with every fibre of my being. Would I have them again if I lived my life all over again? I’m not sure.

I don’t feel different as a mother to not being a mother, so my experience is very different from yours. Just like everybody’s experience is.

wow. i'm not sure how you square that circle.. but you must!

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:36

Doingtheboxerbeat · 03/12/2025 01:47

🤭 Sorry, I wasn't meant to but, this is how not on the fence some of us truly feel about having child/being a parent. It's so binary when you aren't where you are. Like having gender alignment surgery - you might love being a male , how would you know unless you tried it.

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that's a bit of a straw man, don't you think? pardon the pun. I'm all pro transgender etc (not a JKR), golden rule: do what you like if you don't harm others, but there is something generally more innate in procreation or else none of us would be here. Or am I missing something, mankind has outgrown our status as just another in the panoply of life 'on earth' (for want of a better word, all pro aliens too..)?

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:39

slashlover · 03/12/2025 04:07

Like I said it’s something you can’t know until you experience it and there’s no explanation that can do it justice - that’s not me saying women who don’t want kids are lying, but I wonder if it happened would it change their opinion?

You do realise there are plenty of women who regret having children? It's not amazing and perfect for everyone. It was great FOR YOU. It was right FOR YOU.

I'd be a terrible mother, I know I would. I don't have the patience, I can't stand loud noises etc. You weren't sure, I 100% am. There are plenty of things which I haven't experienced, and don't want to, which other people love. It's only every with kids where people think I'll change my mind.

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how many is plenty (albeit it's it's a fairly serious long-term bad buzz if you are one so afflicted..)

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:41

slashlover · 03/12/2025 04:13

About climbing Everest, it’s something you can’t know until you experience it and there’s no explanation that can do it justice. Maybe if you tried it you would it change your opinion?

Or is it only having children where this applies?

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I mean, walking up a rock is fairly trivial compared to being a mother i'm sure you can agree? Everest was there for 100s of millions of years with no one bothering to climb it until living memory..

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:44

BretonStripe · 03/12/2025 07:23

Gotta love Mumsnet sometimes. OP starts a thread about how SHE finds it interesting that HER experience of motherhood so far has exceeded her expectations and is much more positive and fulfilling, despite earlier misgivings before the child arrived. Invites others to chat about shared experience and ponders on whether this may also translate to having a partner.

Pretty sure it's universally acknowledged that the feeling you get from being a mother is indescribable. It's incomparable.

Posters come on to try and start comparing babies to library books, and being a parent to having a career in manufacturing nuclear weapons and climbing Everest.

Jesus wept...

That's the joy though, isn't it? However, I do think the OP did come on to ask "whether this [unexpected joy and fulfilment of motherhood]may also translate to having a partner". Not so much the nuclear weapons and Everest though perhaps...😂

ClafoutisSurprise · 03/12/2025 14:46

Well, it’s pretty obvious that you can’t know what having a child would be like if you don’t have one. I think most of us who are childfree by choice have heard enough accounts of people adoring children they didn’t think they wanted to know that the same is likely to be true for us too. But we’re also well aware that parenting is tough even for those who always wanted to be parents. That often people love their children while disliking parenting itself. That some children cause their parents no end of grief.

If you’ve got a choice in the matter it seems to be perverse to change a status quo that you’re happy with for one that strongly doesn’t appeal and risk all of that on the basis that maternal feelings will - probably - to some extent kick in.

For me, the fear of missing out (which only figured at all when I got into my 40s and it stops being a decision) pales into insignificance when considering how awful it would be to have a child that was regretted.

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2025 15:17

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:41

I mean, walking up a rock is fairly trivial compared to being a mother i'm sure you can agree? Everest was there for 100s of millions of years with no one bothering to climb it until living memory..

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Hmm. Alison Hargreaves didn't seem to think that. She was killed climbing K2 leaving two small children without a mother.

BillieWiper · 03/12/2025 15:25

I tend to think of the things I would struggle with and the sacrifices I'd have to make, and the sadness I'd feel at letting my child down. I know I couldn't just have the nice parts. A person's life is way bigger than that and I knew I couldn't fulfil that responsibility.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2025 15:31

I wasn't sure about having kids but I did, mainly for DH and I also saw how other people who had them enjoyed it.
I love my DC but I think I would have been fine if we hadn't had them.

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 15:37

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2025 15:17

Hmm. Alison Hargreaves didn't seem to think that. She was killed climbing K2 leaving two small children without a mother.

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do you think that was ... I don't know, what do you think of that situation..?

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 15:57

JetFlight · 03/12/2025 00:16

I get what you’re saying too. You’re not saying everyone should have a child, you’re saying that you can’t understand what certain decisions entail because you never experience the decision you didn’t make.
We all try to make the best decisions we can going with what we know and what our instincts are telling us, and hope they’re the right ones.

Yes that’s basically it!

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 15:59

StruggleFlourish · 03/12/2025 02:22

I think I know what you're saying, op,
You never desired to have children, but then you had a child, and now you can't ever imagine your life being without him, and it's been an adventure that has filled you with more indescribable and unimaginable richness and joys then you ever would have believed.
And you're wondering if having a partner is the same? You don't have one, you never wanted one, but you're wondering if you had one, would it be the most wonderful thing ever?

Well I think that's kind of a little bit of fear of missing out, we always wonder about the path not taken, and is the grass greener on the other side?

The thing about kids is for the most part, they're always going to be your kids no matter how old they are, they're always a part of you, and if they're yours biologically, they're at least 50% of you. They are your direct lineage and progeny and descendants and they have your blood and your DNA.
But a partner doesn't. I think that's why more people can divorce / separate from their partners rather than separate/disinherit from their kids.
One is a person that you are legally bound to until you're not because you dissolve the contract, the other is a person who is your flesh and blood.

I think it's easier to fall in love with your child than it is to fall in love with another person though. Your child is this tiny perfect little thing that comes out of you, and you can't help but love them and protect them and be there for them and nurture them and teach them and accept them. A partner is a fully realized individual when they meet you and although they are able to change, and become your other half...some don't. They're like a big stubborn rock that refuses to budge and you have to do all the work and change yourself to suit them. Sometimes it's not such a terrible thing, as long as you like the person who you are when you change the suit them, but, it often leads to a lot of resentment.

Are you wondering if 2026 is going to be your year to find a great partner? If so, I wish you all luck in the world.

Yeah I agree with all of that.

I think I’ve grown up with my parents still very happily married - my dad absolutely adores my mum! And I’ve never found that - tbh I’ve given up on it! But I’m sure I could have my mind changed if I did meet the right person

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blankcanvas3 · 03/12/2025 16:01

I often think it’s better to regret not having children than to regret having children

LeaderBee · 03/12/2025 16:01

On the flipside, if you find out having a child is the worst thing you've ever done and it's ruined your life, you can't exactly give it back, can you?

Catpiece · 03/12/2025 16:09

When I was mid twenties I had an ectopic pregnancy. Didn’t even know I was pregnant. Was just glad it was found and dealt with. No sadness just wanted to get on with life. Even asked my GP if I could be sterilised. He said not at 26, no. Fine. Went on to have a son the following year who is the light of my life. (I also have another son 8 years younger) He’s recently had his own son who I love more than I can say. You never know what’s round the corner and how your feelings shift and change

SeaAndStars · 03/12/2025 16:13

People who choose to have children will never know how their lives would have panned out if they had remained childless.

The unknown is the unknown either way.

SeaAndStars · 03/12/2025 16:15

It's possible to know that other people have the most incredible feeling being a mother.

It's also possible to utterly know you don't want that and to never regret it for one moment.

LeaderBee · 03/12/2025 16:20

SeaAndStars · 03/12/2025 16:15

It's possible to know that other people have the most incredible feeling being a mother.

It's also possible to utterly know you don't want that and to never regret it for one moment.

But who is going to look after us when we are old? How to we feel about never knowing real love? Dont you feel empty without having a purpose? What do you do with all that free time, it must be boring? not giving our parents grandchildren is so selfish!

Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 16:42

I never wanted children never felt the need for them.
I look at babies and toddlers and say how cute he/she is lovely, but im thinking thank god its not mine.

But if anyone wants kids go for it, its not me having to look after them, i just hope they have good loving parents.
Im heading in to my 40s now and still have no eger feeling for children, its just how i feel.
I didnt want to play mummy as a kid and defo not as an adult.

But thats my choice not to have kids, but it is your choice to have kids.

Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 16:48

LeaderBee · 03/12/2025 16:20

But who is going to look after us when we are old? How to we feel about never knowing real love? Dont you feel empty without having a purpose? What do you do with all that free time, it must be boring? not giving our parents grandchildren is so selfish!

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I have no regets with my choice.
Real love is not about having kids to feel love, you have to love your self first.
Free time all my time is for me to travel and do what i want with, my lifes not boring one bit.
Having kids just for your parents to be grandparents really is that a thing, have kids to please others thats selfish.
Some of us dont talk to our parents.
Plus sometimes grandparents dont want grand kids around them all the time, some dont want grand kids.
And having kids so they can take care of us when we are old and past it thats selfish, kids are not born to become carers.
If we as adults have that mind set we need to rethink the futuer path.

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:50

Doingtheboxerbeat · 03/12/2025 01:47

🤭 Sorry, I wasn't meant to but, this is how not on the fence some of us truly feel about having child/being a parent. It's so binary when you aren't where you are. Like having gender alignment surgery - you might love being a male , how would you know unless you tried it.

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Yeah I see what you’re saying! I’m not trying to tell anyone they’ve made the wrong decision. But there’s always a chance it would be totally different than the expectation. I don’t just mean about kids that was just the example in my life

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:51

slashlover · 03/12/2025 04:07

Like I said it’s something you can’t know until you experience it and there’s no explanation that can do it justice - that’s not me saying women who don’t want kids are lying, but I wonder if it happened would it change their opinion?

You do realise there are plenty of women who regret having children? It's not amazing and perfect for everyone. It was great FOR YOU. It was right FOR YOU.

I'd be a terrible mother, I know I would. I don't have the patience, I can't stand loud noises etc. You weren't sure, I 100% am. There are plenty of things which I haven't experienced, and don't want to, which other people love. It's only every with kids where people think I'll change my mind.

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Of course I know that! I didn’t even just mean kids in general - that was just the example I used as it’s been my experience.

I’m not telling anyone they’ve made the wrong decision and all women should have kids. It was just a general thought as I mentioned about the partner thing later on

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:53

slashlover · 03/12/2025 04:13

About climbing Everest, it’s something you can’t know until you experience it and there’s no explanation that can do it justice. Maybe if you tried it you would it change your opinion?

Or is it only having children where this applies?

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No it applies to anything! That is something I’d never do as I’m unifit and not a fan of heights. But who knows if I did it maybe it would change my opinion! That was my point

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jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:54

nadine90 · 03/12/2025 04:20

I get where you’re coming from OP. I always wanted kids and I’m glad I have them. I always wanted a partner but I had two awful ones and for the last 8 years, I have decidedly NOT wanted one.
The things that makes it different is that if you’re curious, you could dip your toe into dating and just see how you feel, no obligation to marry someone and there’s always divorce (as terrible as that is, it’s not comparable to giving up a child).
My bad experiences haven’t put me off forever, but the for now keeps getting longer!

Yeah that’s a good point actually! You can change your mind on a partner and it’s not a forever binding thing if you don’t want it to be whereas with kids that’s not the same

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:55

Hadalifeonce · 03/12/2025 04:20

I never wanted children, I enjoyed my nieces and nephew, and my friends' children; but motherhood held no interest for me......
Then I met DH, everything changed. Even though I was the wrong side of 40, it felt right to try. We have 2 DC, I love them to bits, I am not a gushy mother, but the DC tell me I'm a good one, so I'll take that.

Sort of similar to me except it was an accidental pregnancy and I’m a single parent - so actually not similar at all haha apart from how the feelings around being a mother changed!

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