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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brain bender

151 replies

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:37

I’m not sure how easy this is going to be to explain but here goes….

I was never dead set on having kids - no strong feelings either way. But then I got accidentally pregnant and had my DS almost 3 at 32. Since he existed I’m so glad he does and I know that without having a child it’s a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice. When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!!

And following on from this - I’ve never been married or found my person and based on my experience i’m not missing much! But is this a similar situation like the above? You can’t possibly know how good it is until you have it? I don’t feel like I’m missing out but is that cause I don’t know what I’m missing?

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:56

BretonStripe · 03/12/2025 07:23

Gotta love Mumsnet sometimes. OP starts a thread about how SHE finds it interesting that HER experience of motherhood so far has exceeded her expectations and is much more positive and fulfilling, despite earlier misgivings before the child arrived. Invites others to chat about shared experience and ponders on whether this may also translate to having a partner.

Pretty sure it's universally acknowledged that the feeling you get from being a mother is indescribable. It's incomparable.

Posters come on to try and start comparing babies to library books, and being a parent to having a career in manufacturing nuclear weapons and climbing Everest.

Jesus wept...

Hahahaha you never know what you’re gonna get!

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:57

Swiftie1878 · 03/12/2025 08:34

If you’ve never had a really good relationship, then , yes, it likely is that you don’t know what you’re missing.
What is your relationship history like?

I’m very lucky and have never had a bad relationship! Been married for almost 28 years now, but even my relationships before I met my DH were good, happy and ended amicably.

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Pretty awful tbh! Abusive, ran up debts in my name, cheated. It’s pretty much as bad as it can get tbh! Hence why I’m completely put off - and feel like I don’t care if I never have another relationship.

BUT that’s probably cause of my experience and I’d think differently if I’d met a really good guy and it worked out

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 17:58

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2025 08:42

This. I’ve been very happily married for 35 years. My DH immeasurably enriches my life by being in it.

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I’ve been brought up with parents like that - it would be lovely to have it but seems almost impossible these days

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:00

EnterFunnyNameHere · 03/12/2025 08:56

Well, you're not wrong, but you can say that about anything. Does that mean no-one is allowed to say anything isn't for them until they've tried it?

Back in the real world, it is absolutely provably not "a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice" is it? Or at least not in a positive way, because they are plenty of shitty parents around who clearly don't feel that way about their children, you only have to watch the news to know that. Or look at all the utterly disengaged parents that get discussed by their despairing spouses on the Relationships board on here.

If having children is something that makes you happy, then you'd probably be missing out to not have them. If getting married is something that makes you happy, you're probably missing out if you don't get to do that. Are you someone who is made happy by those things? Who is to say?

No of course not - we can all make our own decisions for whatever reasons we want. Theres no rule book.

Was just thinking about it - and that is my real world where that description is true but appreciate that isn’t the case for everyone. I can only base on my own experiences.

Im sure there’s lots of things that turned out better than expected

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:01

Prelim · 03/12/2025 10:48

You can’t experience anything the same as someone else experiences, including motherhood. Every person sees things through a different lens.

I have children. Do I love them? Yes with every fibre of my being. Would I have them again if I lived my life all over again? I’m not sure.

I don’t feel different as a mother to not being a mother, so my experience is very different from yours. Just like everybody’s experience is.

Fair enough! This is the sort of thing I was wondering about, is my experience the norm or not but maybe it isn’t.

like you say it’s different for everyone and was interested in others viewpoints

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:03

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2025 10:49

Honestly, I think the really important thing is to find a way to be happy whatever your circumstances are. You can’t just find the perfect guy, and you can’t necessarily just get pregnant. And even if you do, things can still go badly wrong with illness or disability or whatever. So you can’t be open to change if the right thing comes along, but it’s much, much better not to sit around waiting for it.

I agree with that 100%! I’ve been single years now and I genuinely am happy being single - it took me a while to get there but I learned to enjoy my own company and my own routine etc

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:09

5128gap · 03/12/2025 10:53

Well, that holds true for a lot of things, doesn't it? How do you know that living on the other side of the world wouldn't be amazing when you haven't tried it? Or converting to Buddhism? Or choosing an entirely different career?
You don't, because none of us know what the things we don't choose are like, because we have to select a path from the available options and have our experience limited to the destination it leads to.
We make our selection based on what we do know of the option, and our knowledge of ourselves, and that has to be good enough.
I don't want to move countries, be a Buddhist or change jobs, because the life I have here, my job and my atheism are a good fit for me, and what I know of the alternatives are less attractive.
If that means I miss out on a better life, then I'll be none the wiser.

Yeah that’s basically my entire point - there’s so many variables and we just don’t know. We make decisions to the best of our abilities.

Sometimes life throws a curveball - and it’s something you never wanted but it actually turns out to be a really good thing yet something you never would have chosen

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:10

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2025 11:49

This. It's not like there is a magic recipe for happiness and you have to have all the ingredients (marriage, kids, career) in order to be happy. I got the great DH but not the kids due to fertility issues) but I managed to be happy.

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Yeah that’s very true! And I got the kid but no decent partner and I’m also happy. We have to use the cards we’re dealt

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CleanShirt · 03/12/2025 18:11

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:54

I never said they are - but you can’t know what it feels like without doing it can you?

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I'm childfree by choice. As a result, I don't want to know what it feels like.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:12

ObtuseMoose · 03/12/2025 12:05

I'm 56 and child free by choice, I always knew I didn't want children and I have zero regrets. Pregnancy, childbirth and mothering were not for me, I've never felt any biological urge to procreate, it's really that simple.
Please don't presume to tell women they don't know their own minds.

I’m absolutely not saying that at all - I am a feminist and every woman has the right to choose for any reason she sees fit. I used kids as an example cause that was my experience.

I mean that sometimes life throws us a curveball - it’s something you never would have chosen for yourself but turns out surprisingly positive.

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:14

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:44

That's the joy though, isn't it? However, I do think the OP did come on to ask "whether this [unexpected joy and fulfilment of motherhood]may also translate to having a partner". Not so much the nuclear weapons and Everest though perhaps...😂

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Yeah it wasn’t just based on kids! That’s just my experience!

I just mean any sort of curveball that life can throw at you - something you wouldn’t have chosen yourself but has worked out perfectly. Or the Opposite I suppose too - choosing not to do something and not knowing what you don’t know

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:16

ClafoutisSurprise · 03/12/2025 14:46

Well, it’s pretty obvious that you can’t know what having a child would be like if you don’t have one. I think most of us who are childfree by choice have heard enough accounts of people adoring children they didn’t think they wanted to know that the same is likely to be true for us too. But we’re also well aware that parenting is tough even for those who always wanted to be parents. That often people love their children while disliking parenting itself. That some children cause their parents no end of grief.

If you’ve got a choice in the matter it seems to be perverse to change a status quo that you’re happy with for one that strongly doesn’t appeal and risk all of that on the basis that maternal feelings will - probably - to some extent kick in.

For me, the fear of missing out (which only figured at all when I got into my 40s and it stops being a decision) pales into insignificance when considering how awful it would be to have a child that was regretted.

I didn’t post to try and judge women who are child free by choice - that was just the example that I used cause it was my experience.

just the thought that sometimes life throws unexpected things at us - things we might not have chosen but works out better than expected. For me that was having a child

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:17

BillieWiper · 03/12/2025 15:25

I tend to think of the things I would struggle with and the sacrifices I'd have to make, and the sadness I'd feel at letting my child down. I know I couldn't just have the nice parts. A person's life is way bigger than that and I knew I couldn't fulfil that responsibility.

Edited

And we’re all entitled to make decisions that are right for us based on whatever reason.

It was just in my experience that it turned out better than expected and wondered if there were other or similar things people have experienced like this

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:18

blankcanvas3 · 03/12/2025 16:01

I often think it’s better to regret not having children than to regret having children

Yeah that’s sensible - I wonder what the split is of that happening? How many regret having them compared to not?

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:19

Catpiece · 03/12/2025 16:09

When I was mid twenties I had an ectopic pregnancy. Didn’t even know I was pregnant. Was just glad it was found and dealt with. No sadness just wanted to get on with life. Even asked my GP if I could be sterilised. He said not at 26, no. Fine. Went on to have a son the following year who is the light of my life. (I also have another son 8 years younger) He’s recently had his own son who I love more than I can say. You never know what’s round the corner and how your feelings shift and change

Bet that was scary!

I’ve had an abortion in the past - again no regrets at all and then went on to have my son and he is the light of my life like you! Yes think you’re right about feelings shifting and changing over time

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:20

SeaAndStars · 03/12/2025 16:13

People who choose to have children will never know how their lives would have panned out if they had remained childless.

The unknown is the unknown either way.

Edited

Yep it is!

But sometimes the unknown ends up happening and it’s better than expected even though it’s something you may not have chosen yourself

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:21

SeaAndStars · 03/12/2025 16:15

It's possible to know that other people have the most incredible feeling being a mother.

It's also possible to utterly know you don't want that and to never regret it for one moment.

Yeah of course both are possible - my point wasn’t really about having kids I just used that as an example as it’s been my experience.

Life happens unexpectedly and it can and up being brilliant even if you wouldn’t have chosen it

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:22

LeaderBee · 03/12/2025 16:20

But who is going to look after us when we are old? How to we feel about never knowing real love? Dont you feel empty without having a purpose? What do you do with all that free time, it must be boring? not giving our parents grandchildren is so selfish!

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You can have a purpose without having a child though. I will admit I felt having mine gave me a purpose but that’s not the same for everyone.

And as a parent if my son doesn’t want children in the future I wouldn’t hold it against him - I’d love to have grandchildren one day but I’d prefer my child to be happy

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:24

Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 16:42

I never wanted children never felt the need for them.
I look at babies and toddlers and say how cute he/she is lovely, but im thinking thank god its not mine.

But if anyone wants kids go for it, its not me having to look after them, i just hope they have good loving parents.
Im heading in to my 40s now and still have no eger feeling for children, its just how i feel.
I didnt want to play mummy as a kid and defo not as an adult.

But thats my choice not to have kids, but it is your choice to have kids.

Yeah of course - we’re all entitled to make our own choices for whatever reason we see fit.

I was more meaning when life throws something unexpected that you wouldn’t have chosen but it ends up being brilliant

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Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:26

CleanShirt · 03/12/2025 18:11

I'm childfree by choice. As a result, I don't want to know what it feels like.

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That’s fair enough - we can all make our own choices for whatever reason we see fit.

I meant life’s unexpected events that ends up working out but it’s not something you would have chosen. For me that was having a child - for others it might be something entirely different

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Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 18:32

Op if your happy with it good for you leave it at that.
You dont need anyones opinion on it.
Unexepected things happen to us all like me and the internet, didnt think i would use it as much, but hear i am loving it.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:34

Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 18:32

Op if your happy with it good for you leave it at that.
You dont need anyones opinion on it.
Unexepected things happen to us all like me and the internet, didnt think i would use it as much, but hear i am loving it.

I don’t need them I was just interested. It’s a forum to have discussions it’s sort of the point isn’t it. I know unexpected things happen to us all that’s what I was getting at, was just interested in others experiences

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Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 18:37

The more i read your updates the more it seem you have some little regrets lurking.
You dont need opinions but yet asking for them.

Twinkylightsg · 03/12/2025 18:40

How can you know unless you have one? Is the worst shit I hear when people talk about having kids. If someone doesn't want kids then they don't. Yeah potentially they end up having one and loving the child. Or worse which is they have a child and resent ans regret having one.

Original poster
jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:41

Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 18:37

The more i read your updates the more it seem you have some little regrets lurking.
You dont need opinions but yet asking for them.

Regrets about what? I mean they’re not a necessity but I’m asking for them cause I’m interested to know hence why I made the post. I’m not really sure what you’re getting at?

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