Page 5 | Brain bender

jamcorrosion · 2025-12-02T23:37:59+00:00

I’m not sure how easy this is going to be to explain but here goes…. I was never dead set on having kids - no strong feelings either way. But then I got accidentally pregnant and had my DS almost 3 at 32. Since he existed I’m so glad he does and I know that without having a child it’s a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice. When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!! And following on from this - I’ve never been married or found my person and based on my experience i’m not missing much! But is this a similar situation like the above? You can’t possibly know how good it is until you have it? I don’t feel like I’m missing out but is that cause I don’t know what I’m missing?

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:42

Twinkylightsg · 03/12/2025 18:40

How can you know unless you have one? Is the worst shit I hear when people talk about having kids. If someone doesn't want kids then they don't. Yeah potentially they end up having one and loving the child. Or worse which is they have a child and resent ans regret having one.

Well you can’t can you - I don’t just mean having kids. I used that example cause that’s been my experience but it could be anything

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Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 18:42

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:42

Well you can’t can you - I don’t just mean having kids. I used that example cause that’s been my experience but it could be anything

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Yes as i said above the internet was mine.

Hedgehogx · 03/12/2025 18:46

Twinkylightsg · 03/12/2025 18:40

How can you know unless you have one? Is the worst shit I hear when people talk about having kids. If someone doesn't want kids then they don't. Yeah potentially they end up having one and loving the child. Or worse which is they have a child and resent ans regret having one.

Yeah ive seen plenty of parents like this when the rose tint comes off the regret sets in.
Not all some love it, but them that bang on about it makes me think are you really happy.

If you dont have one you will never no OR you will never no what love is, both bullshit.

Sassylovesbooks · 03/12/2025 18:57

I think there's difference between saying 'I'm not bothered about having children' and saying 'I don't want children'. Not wanting children to me suggests a person isn't maternal and/or isn't interested in having children or even possibly dislikes children. Whereas 'not being bothered' suggests if a person had a child, then great but if they didn't then that's OK too. My husband and I decided to try for a baby, we were very much in the 'if it happens great, but if it doesn't then we're OK with that' camp. I've never had a deep yearning to have children. We did actually have our son as I fell pregnant quickly after trying. As for a partner, I think that's more to do with luck than anything! Most of us have to 'kiss a few frogs' before we find the right one!! I met my husband online dating, and I knew immediately he was the 'one', it was only a fleeting thought, but we've been together 19 years and married 17, so I guess my intuition was correct!!

SeaAndStars · 03/12/2025 19:39

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:20

Yep it is!

But sometimes the unknown ends up happening and it’s better than expected even though it’s something you may not have chosen yourself

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Most people work really hard at making the best of things whatever they are.

That doesn't mean it's better than something you would have chosen if you'd had total control though.

Fiddy1964 · 03/12/2025 19:42

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:41

I'm always very very glad when those who don't want children don't have children.

Babies aren't library books.

You can't return them because you thought they'd be good but realise they're not for you after all.

Agree with this.

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 20:04

Sassylovesbooks · 03/12/2025 18:57

I think there's difference between saying 'I'm not bothered about having children' and saying 'I don't want children'. Not wanting children to me suggests a person isn't maternal and/or isn't interested in having children or even possibly dislikes children. Whereas 'not being bothered' suggests if a person had a child, then great but if they didn't then that's OK too. My husband and I decided to try for a baby, we were very much in the 'if it happens great, but if it doesn't then we're OK with that' camp. I've never had a deep yearning to have children. We did actually have our son as I fell pregnant quickly after trying. As for a partner, I think that's more to do with luck than anything! Most of us have to 'kiss a few frogs' before we find the right one!! I met my husband online dating, and I knew immediately he was the 'one', it was only a fleeting thought, but we've been together 19 years and married 17, so I guess my intuition was correct!!

Yeah agree with that it’s different to be sort of not bothered than to know you don’t want to! I never had the yearning either and still don’t feel overly maternal even now he’s here!

Gosh all I’ve had is frogs haha

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 20:05

SeaAndStars · 03/12/2025 19:39

Most people work really hard at making the best of things whatever they are.

That doesn't mean it's better than something you would have chosen if you'd had total control though.

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Yeah most do.

Not better than you would have chosen but better than the expectations

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Doingtheboxerbeat · 03/12/2025 23:48

HamptonPlace · 03/12/2025 14:36

that's a bit of a straw man, don't you think? pardon the pun. I'm all pro transgender etc (not a JKR), golden rule: do what you like if you don't harm others, but there is something generally more innate in procreation or else none of us would be here. Or am I missing something, mankind has outgrown our status as just another in the panoply of life 'on earth' (for want of a better word, all pro aliens too..)?

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I'll fully admit it was an extreme example, but it was done deliberately to emphasize how horrendous it could be for a woman to be pressured into motherhood.

But I along with others, got the wrong end of the stick 🫣 and the thread was was essentially asking is it better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all ? So , sorry to the OP for derailing the thread, I'll endeavour to read sober properly in the future before replying with a bat shit response 🤭.

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2025 00:00

jamcorrosion · 03/12/2025 18:12

I’m absolutely not saying that at all - I am a feminist and every woman has the right to choose for any reason she sees fit. I used kids as an example cause that was my experience.

I mean that sometimes life throws us a curveball - it’s something you never would have chosen for yourself but turns out surprisingly positive.

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Well yes, it can work the other way too. I wanted children but couldn’t have them. That took a while to accept,but it did eventually work out very positively.

Pistachiocake · 04/12/2025 00:09

There was some research recently which apparently shows most women are happier when they're married and have either one or two children.
I'm sure that's not the case for everyone though!
My friend has one, who was a very happy accident, and she's adamant that she would never have planned him, and that there's no right time to ever have a child.

Iamtoo · 04/12/2025 04:37

Pistachiocake · 04/12/2025 00:09

There was some research recently which apparently shows most women are happier when they're married and have either one or two children.
I'm sure that's not the case for everyone though!
My friend has one, who was a very happy accident, and she's adamant that she would never have planned him, and that there's no right time to ever have a child.

Could you share a link to that please, the previous research I've seen says the opposite, that the happiest women, and those that live the longest, are single with no children and the happiest men, and those that live the longest, are married with children. Does the new research mention men at all? I wonder if it's changed for them also.

Catbakingbiscuits · 04/12/2025 06:25

I sometimes think and wonder about my life if I hadn’t had kids. I was a bit on the fence about it. But I think they’ve made me a better person tbh as I was a bit of a selfish brat.
I am, however, perpetually exhausted and they take all my money. I would not be without them.

Didimum · 04/12/2025 07:07

I think it’s a bit of a pointless mental exercise because there’s many, many examples in life of things you ‘can’t’ know, because you can’t experience multiple and alternate realities. I’m 100% sure I wouldn’t want to be a coal miner, or sell my house and move to Sweden, or divorce my husband.

All you can do is do what feels right to you, and that’s the end of it really.

Butterflyarms · 04/12/2025 09:30

I think the difference is kids arrive with an accompanying flood of hormones, plus most kids are just delightful, aside from tantrums. And they inspire a protective, care giving mentality. But with a partner, you're getting a fully formed adult who you expect to pull alongside you, put their dishes away, be nice when you've had a bad day and crack good jokes in company. And when they fall short of that it sucks. So I think it depends on who you fall for. I adore my DH but have had times when he drove me round the bend. And some people end up with utter shitheads who beat them, cheat on them, or just don't pay any attention to them. So you are missing out on conversation, comfort and support, but only if you pick well to start with.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 04/12/2025 09:38

Of course you can't know, you make the best decision you can with the information you have. If you don't think being a parent is for you, the most responsible thing you can do is to not become one.

For myself, I am not interested in having kids. I never have been. I don't think my parents enjoyed being parents when I was a kid, my mum had PND which I am super keen to avoid, I have zero interest in reorienting my life and my identity around kids, and I do not relish the thought of how very expensive raising children is. Plus I'd be lying if I omitted to mention my concerns about our overcrowded planet and the way humanity is dedicated to ruining all our natural resources and the climate; life just isn't going to look the same for your kids when they are adults as it does for you now and that is a harsh reality most people decline to ever contemplate. So many reasons I don't want kids. I might feel differently if I had some, but I won't ever know and I have zero interest in finding out.

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2025 09:42

I think the difference is kids arrive with an accompanying flood of hormones, plus most kids are just delightful, aside from tantrums. And they inspire a protective, care giving mentality.

That’s the ideal, but it doesn’t always turn out like that. People do abuse and neglect their children.

Iamtoo · 04/12/2025 09:55

Butterflyarms · 04/12/2025 09:30

I think the difference is kids arrive with an accompanying flood of hormones, plus most kids are just delightful, aside from tantrums. And they inspire a protective, care giving mentality. But with a partner, you're getting a fully formed adult who you expect to pull alongside you, put their dishes away, be nice when you've had a bad day and crack good jokes in company. And when they fall short of that it sucks. So I think it depends on who you fall for. I adore my DH but have had times when he drove me round the bend. And some people end up with utter shitheads who beat them, cheat on them, or just don't pay any attention to them. So you are missing out on conversation, comfort and support, but only if you pick well to start with.

Edited

Also when you have a child, you have a child, you have a child. When you get a partner you get a partner, their family and their friends.

Catinabeanbag · 04/12/2025 10:19

I'm 50. Don't have kids and never wanted kids. Never had the least 'urge' or longing to have children. Even when I was a teenager I knew I didn't want to have children, and that's never changed, and I have zero regrets about it.
It's not even that it was a decision whether or not to have children and I decided not to - the question wasn't even one I asked myself; it just was never on my radar.
I've seen enough of parents with their own kids, and my brother with his kids and all that entails (good and bad) to know that kids weren't for me. I don't feel my life is any worse for not having kids (and probably there are some plus points).
I get the whole 'you don't know what it's like until you've had them' argument, but you can reverse that and say 'you don't know what your life would have been like if you'd not had kids'. It might have been amazing.
I'm sure having kids is fulfilling and rewarding (and exhausting and stressful and all sorts of other things), but I don't feel I've missed out by not having any. My life is perfectly fulfilling and rewarding without kids.

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 20:58

Doingtheboxerbeat · 03/12/2025 23:48

I'll fully admit it was an extreme example, but it was done deliberately to emphasize how horrendous it could be for a woman to be pressured into motherhood.

But I along with others, got the wrong end of the stick 🫣 and the thread was was essentially asking is it better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all ? So , sorry to the OP for derailing the thread, I'll endeavour to read sober properly in the future before replying with a bat shit response 🤭.

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Hahaha clearly my explanation was absolutely dire anyway cause most people think I’m telling all women to have kids cause it’s amazing which I’m absolutely not

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:00

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2025 00:00

Well yes, it can work the other way too. I wanted children but couldn’t have them. That took a while to accept,but it did eventually work out very positively.

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That’s an example I didn’t even consider - I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you but glad it’s turned out well.

Can I ask would you have considered other routes to being a parent? I ask as my brother is in a similar position but for him it’s bio or none

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:04

Pistachiocake · 04/12/2025 00:09

There was some research recently which apparently shows most women are happier when they're married and have either one or two children.
I'm sure that's not the case for everyone though!
My friend has one, who was a very happy accident, and she's adamant that she would never have planned him, and that there's no right time to ever have a child.

Really?! That surprises me cause everything I’ve seen recently says single or single and childless women are happiest but married men are happiest!

Yes I agree with your friend - and if you wait for the perfect time you’ll never do it

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:06

Iamtoo · 04/12/2025 04:37

Could you share a link to that please, the previous research I've seen says the opposite, that the happiest women, and those that live the longest, are single with no children and the happiest men, and those that live the longest, are married with children. Does the new research mention men at all? I wonder if it's changed for them also.

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Yes I thought this too! Replied saying the same thing before I saw this

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:08

Catbakingbiscuits · 04/12/2025 06:25

I sometimes think and wonder about my life if I hadn’t had kids. I was a bit on the fence about it. But I think they’ve made me a better person tbh as I was a bit of a selfish brat.
I am, however, perpetually exhausted and they take all my money. I would not be without them.

Yeah I really agree with that! Totally changed my perspective and definitely made me less selfish. But god I don’t ever wanna hear ‘MUMMYYYY’ Again haha

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:09

Didimum · 04/12/2025 07:07

I think it’s a bit of a pointless mental exercise because there’s many, many examples in life of things you ‘can’t’ know, because you can’t experience multiple and alternate realities. I’m 100% sure I wouldn’t want to be a coal miner, or sell my house and move to Sweden, or divorce my husband.

All you can do is do what feels right to you, and that’s the end of it really.

Yeah I know it sort of it - it’s just interesting like the butterfly effect. I basically hate men cause I’ve had only shit awful ones - but I wonder if I did one thing different one day my life would have been totally different and I’d think differently

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