Page 6 | Brain bender

jamcorrosion · 2025-12-02T23:37:59+00:00

I’m not sure how easy this is going to be to explain but here goes…. I was never dead set on having kids - no strong feelings either way. But then I got accidentally pregnant and had my DS almost 3 at 32. Since he existed I’m so glad he does and I know that without having a child it’s a feeling you can’t replicate or describe in a way that gives it justice. When I hear anyone say that they don’t want kids ever - obv it’s their choice their body, but how can you ever know that 100% unless you have one? Before mine I was more towards the no but how wrong I was!! And following on from this - I’ve never been married or found my person and based on my experience i’m not missing much! But is this a similar situation like the above? You can’t possibly know how good it is until you have it? I don’t feel like I’m missing out but is that cause I don’t know what I’m missing?

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:11

Butterflyarms · 04/12/2025 09:30

I think the difference is kids arrive with an accompanying flood of hormones, plus most kids are just delightful, aside from tantrums. And they inspire a protective, care giving mentality. But with a partner, you're getting a fully formed adult who you expect to pull alongside you, put their dishes away, be nice when you've had a bad day and crack good jokes in company. And when they fall short of that it sucks. So I think it depends on who you fall for. I adore my DH but have had times when he drove me round the bend. And some people end up with utter shitheads who beat them, cheat on them, or just don't pay any attention to them. So you are missing out on conversation, comfort and support, but only if you pick well to start with.

Edited

Yeah and there’s a genetic something inside you as a mother for most people that means you love them and think they’re beautiful even when they look like a potato.

I don’t like the pick better phrase - I’ve been told that so many times as a single parent like it’s my responsibility my sons dad is a waste of space and I should have chose better. I’ve never had a really great guy but it’s not cause I chose them for their awful qualities they just didn’t show them initially

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TheBeaTgoeson1 · 04/12/2025 21:14

Oh bore off OP.

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:15

icouldholditwithacobweb · 04/12/2025 09:38

Of course you can't know, you make the best decision you can with the information you have. If you don't think being a parent is for you, the most responsible thing you can do is to not become one.

For myself, I am not interested in having kids. I never have been. I don't think my parents enjoyed being parents when I was a kid, my mum had PND which I am super keen to avoid, I have zero interest in reorienting my life and my identity around kids, and I do not relish the thought of how very expensive raising children is. Plus I'd be lying if I omitted to mention my concerns about our overcrowded planet and the way humanity is dedicated to ruining all our natural resources and the climate; life just isn't going to look the same for your kids when they are adults as it does for you now and that is a harsh reality most people decline to ever contemplate. So many reasons I don't want kids. I might feel differently if I had some, but I won't ever know and I have zero interest in finding out.

Yeah some of it is a scary thought. I didn’t realise just how little support there is despite contributing for all my working life. Mat leave nearly bankrupted me. My son’s dad isn’t involved yet he isn’t held accountable and I receive £29 a month maintenance yet if I acted like that I’d be convicted of neglect and probably lose him. I’m immediately judged as a single parent, assumption is I’m a lazy benefit scrounger then when I correct that cause I work full time in a good career I’m a bad parent letting others raise my child.

Obv now the economy means I genuinely can’t see how he will ever afford to move out.

So yeah you are right - but also for me the good things balance it out

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:16

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 04/12/2025 21:14

Oh bore off OP.

Rude - I won’t thanks

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:18

Catinabeanbag · 04/12/2025 10:19

I'm 50. Don't have kids and never wanted kids. Never had the least 'urge' or longing to have children. Even when I was a teenager I knew I didn't want to have children, and that's never changed, and I have zero regrets about it.
It's not even that it was a decision whether or not to have children and I decided not to - the question wasn't even one I asked myself; it just was never on my radar.
I've seen enough of parents with their own kids, and my brother with his kids and all that entails (good and bad) to know that kids weren't for me. I don't feel my life is any worse for not having kids (and probably there are some plus points).
I get the whole 'you don't know what it's like until you've had them' argument, but you can reverse that and say 'you don't know what your life would have been like if you'd not had kids'. It might have been amazing.
I'm sure having kids is fulfilling and rewarding (and exhausting and stressful and all sorts of other things), but I don't feel I've missed out by not having any. My life is perfectly fulfilling and rewarding without kids.

Yeh and that’s entirely your decision! And one of the great things about society and the world these days is we have that choice now whereas one day we wouldn’t have done.

Yeah 100% it can be reversed - I’d probably be less skint!

It can be applied to loads of things can’t it.

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Didimum · 04/12/2025 21:49

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:09

Yeah I know it sort of it - it’s just interesting like the butterfly effect. I basically hate men cause I’ve had only shit awful ones - but I wonder if I did one thing different one day my life would have been totally different and I’d think differently

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As long as it’s not ruminating, then yes it is pretty interesting!

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2025 22:58

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:00

That’s an example I didn’t even consider - I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you but glad it’s turned out well.

Can I ask would you have considered other routes to being a parent? I ask as my brother is in a similar position but for him it’s bio or none

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Yes we thought about donor conception but didn’t feel comfortable with it. Did not feel adoption was for us either.

couldthisbethenewname · 05/12/2025 10:37

jamcorrosion · 02/12/2025 23:53

I agree with all you’ve said 😊 but people who don’t want and don’t have will never know that! I wonder if it’s the same for a partner

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Yeah but they might not.

I didn't want kids and had them under huge pressure from family and husband (who suddenly got broody). Expected the rush of love etc? Nope didn't happen.

Turned out my reasons for not wanting to have kids - ie: my lifestyle and interests were things like, reading books quietly, or spending whole days practicing baking techniques - were absolutely still the case. There was no magic wizardry which made me love Peppa pig and baby signing classes and coffees with other women I had nothing in common with other than we had kids. And with my hobbies and interests gone, I totally lost my sense of self, lost my friends who I knew through hobbies I could no longer do, lost my career which involved a lot of travel I could no longer do. All of these were the reasons I hadn't wanted kids - because I didn't want these (completely predictable) outcomes.

Do I love my kids and would die for them? Absolutely. Is my life happier with them? Definitely not.

So I'm very much on team 'women probably know their own minds and we shouldn't gaslight them into believing they don't'.

All of which is a long answer to - you know your own mind. If you don't think you need a partner, you don't. Look around you and see if any of your friends have relationships you envy. I imagine you will find very few.

couldthisbethenewname · 05/12/2025 10:45

jamcorrosion · 04/12/2025 21:11

Yeah and there’s a genetic something inside you as a mother for most people that means you love them and think they’re beautiful even when they look like a potato.

I don’t like the pick better phrase - I’ve been told that so many times as a single parent like it’s my responsibility my sons dad is a waste of space and I should have chose better. I’ve never had a really great guy but it’s not cause I chose them for their awful qualities they just didn’t show them initially

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No. There. Isn't.

I am sorry but this is just not. true. The genetic thing. We are told it by the patriarchy. For some women the hormonal rush means this is the case. For many, many, many it is not.

Of course we love our kids just as much as you do. But this complete brain-melt of thinking your kid is marvelous and every moment in their company is wonderful is absolutely not universal. I'd say maybe 20% of mothers I know felt / feel this way. I am happy you are one of them. But don't extrapolate your experience.

And I think those of us who didn't get the magical moment - rather than being pathologised - (no I didn't have postnatal depression) - should be listened to as part of a balanced discussion. Because I had kids based, honestly, on bad data. I had believed this magical thing was absolutely going to happen, so even if I didn't want kids I should have them because I'd get this amazing rush of love and love every moment. And if we keep telling women this is what 'naturally' happens, we make those (many) for whom it doesn't feel dreadful and encourage another generation of reluctants to force themselves into something they don't really want.

FastFood · 05/12/2025 10:49

It's a weird question.

I know I don't want kids. Never wanted them.
What I don't know is whether I'd actually enjoy having a kid. Maybe I would. Maybe not. I have no yearning for kids, I'm very happy the way I am, so why even risk it just to be able to say "well now I know"

Like what PP said about climbing Everest. I don't want to do it.
But what I don't know is whether it could actually be an amazing experience but I'm happy at sea level so I don't have to find out whilst I'm gasping for oxygen at 8000m.

FastFood · 05/12/2025 11:00

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2025 15:17

Hmm. Alison Hargreaves didn't seem to think that. She was killed climbing K2 leaving two small children without a mother.

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Oh yeah let's talk about the one mother who died, yet men / fathers get a free pass.
Scott Fisher's death is a story of a man who died on the Everest for his passion, but Alison Hardgreaves is a selfish mother.
Yet, Scott Fisher was a dad of 2.

That's the bleak thing with motherhood, and that's what is so unappealling for me: You're always a mother first, before being an individual. Which doesn't seem to happen to men.

KimberleyClark · 05/12/2025 11:05

FastFood · 05/12/2025 11:00

Oh yeah let's talk about the one mother who died, yet men / fathers get a free pass.
Scott Fisher's death is a story of a man who died on the Everest for his passion, but Alison Hardgreaves is a selfish mother.
Yet, Scott Fisher was a dad of 2.

That's the bleak thing with motherhood, and that's what is so unappealling for me: You're always a mother first, before being an individual. Which doesn't seem to happen to men.

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Isn’t that because we believe as a society that children,especially very young ones, need their mothers more?

Personally I believe mountaineering, which is a hobby at the end of the day, is in a different category from doing a dangerous job for a living.

FastFood · 05/12/2025 11:13

I don't know, I'm not a mountaineer but I understand the drive, the passion and the risk-taking for the sake of it, I don't judge neither Scott Fisher nor Alison Hardgraves, I don't feel sorry for them either though.
Anyway, Alison Hardgreaves kids surely don't blame her either because they both ended up being mountaineers (one died)

BauhausOfEliott · 05/12/2025 11:27

I'm 100% sure that, if I had a child, I would adore it and think it was the most amazing thing in the entire world, and it would bring me huge amounts of joy - because obviously, that is how most mothers feel about their kids.

But does that mean I want children? Absolutely not. I'm 49 now and I'm very glad that I never had them, and I've never once felt like I'm missing out.

It's perfectly possible for both those things to be true at the same time.

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/12/2025 11:29

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 23:57

I'm 56 and I know at least 5 or 6 women my age and older who very much did know 100%.

I don't know how (because it's not my business to ask) but they have zero regrets.

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Yep. 58 and never had the baby feels. I never felt responsible or grown up enough. Still don't.

When I was younger I had lots of women with kids telling me how "children change your life!" in a fairly patronising way. I'd already worked that out for myself and it just didn't appeal at all.

The very thought of having children just makes me want to have a nap!

Doingtheboxerbeat · 05/12/2025 13:34

BauhausOfEliott · 05/12/2025 11:27

I'm 100% sure that, if I had a child, I would adore it and think it was the most amazing thing in the entire world, and it would bring me huge amounts of joy - because obviously, that is how most mothers feel about their kids.

But does that mean I want children? Absolutely not. I'm 49 now and I'm very glad that I never had them, and I've never once felt like I'm missing out.

It's perfectly possible for both those things to be true at the same time.

I agree - hypothetically I would love them for sure , but from the outside looking in , they are objectively a burden, that you have no choice but to love even if they turn out to be horrendous, which some are .

Being in love (which I have experienced) is slightly different because I can remember the heady early stages of being totally consumed by it all, but I also know that I would cross the street to avoid a certain someone I thought I truly loved. So at present, I don't feel the need to experience that kind of love again.

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:18

couldthisbethenewname · 05/12/2025 10:37

Yeah but they might not.

I didn't want kids and had them under huge pressure from family and husband (who suddenly got broody). Expected the rush of love etc? Nope didn't happen.

Turned out my reasons for not wanting to have kids - ie: my lifestyle and interests were things like, reading books quietly, or spending whole days practicing baking techniques - were absolutely still the case. There was no magic wizardry which made me love Peppa pig and baby signing classes and coffees with other women I had nothing in common with other than we had kids. And with my hobbies and interests gone, I totally lost my sense of self, lost my friends who I knew through hobbies I could no longer do, lost my career which involved a lot of travel I could no longer do. All of these were the reasons I hadn't wanted kids - because I didn't want these (completely predictable) outcomes.

Do I love my kids and would die for them? Absolutely. Is my life happier with them? Definitely not.

So I'm very much on team 'women probably know their own minds and we shouldn't gaslight them into believing they don't'.

All of which is a long answer to - you know your own mind. If you don't think you need a partner, you don't. Look around you and see if any of your friends have relationships you envy. I imagine you will find very few.

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Absolutely women know their own mind! I’ve had a hard few months with my son and life would have been much easier if I hadn’t had to deal with it. I think a lot of people have jumped on the fact I’ve mentioned kids and that wasn’t really my point I just used that example as it was my personal experience.

I’d say I have one friend who falls into that category and they have a great relationship so yes you’re probably right!

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:23

couldthisbethenewname · 05/12/2025 10:45

No. There. Isn't.

I am sorry but this is just not. true. The genetic thing. We are told it by the patriarchy. For some women the hormonal rush means this is the case. For many, many, many it is not.

Of course we love our kids just as much as you do. But this complete brain-melt of thinking your kid is marvelous and every moment in their company is wonderful is absolutely not universal. I'd say maybe 20% of mothers I know felt / feel this way. I am happy you are one of them. But don't extrapolate your experience.

And I think those of us who didn't get the magical moment - rather than being pathologised - (no I didn't have postnatal depression) - should be listened to as part of a balanced discussion. Because I had kids based, honestly, on bad data. I had believed this magical thing was absolutely going to happen, so even if I didn't want kids I should have them because I'd get this amazing rush of love and love every moment. And if we keep telling women this is what 'naturally' happens, we make those (many) for whom it doesn't feel dreadful and encourage another generation of reluctants to force themselves into something they don't really want.

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Do you think that?

No I didn’t get that initial rush of love when he was born like I was led to believe would happen - not even close. It was very surreal and I almost didn’t believe he was really there if that makes sense?

The love came over time gradually without me really realising it was happening - I only really worked it out when I put on a true crime show that was about a child and I couldn’t watch it anymore. This was when he was newborn still and I can watch them now but it took me by surprise at the time.

When I said the genetic thing I didn’t mean that rush of love you’re told you get when they arrive and I totally agree with you that that sort of disinformation should stop as it makes you feel guilty before anything has even happened. I meant that when the baby learns something new and you’re amazed and you think they’re the cutest thing ever but then as they get older you look back on photos and they definitely weren’t haha.

But I do agree about everything else - it’s not true that initial feeling for a lot of women.

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:26

FastFood · 05/12/2025 11:00

Oh yeah let's talk about the one mother who died, yet men / fathers get a free pass.
Scott Fisher's death is a story of a man who died on the Everest for his passion, but Alison Hardgreaves is a selfish mother.
Yet, Scott Fisher was a dad of 2.

That's the bleak thing with motherhood, and that's what is so unappealling for me: You're always a mother first, before being an individual. Which doesn't seem to happen to men.

Show quote history

Yep totally agree with this! Since becoming a mother and especially a single mother the absolute judgement I’ve received has been mind boggling.

Single mum is a dirty word - the automatic assumption is that I’m a ‘scrounger’ and living off the state. When I correct that then I’m a shit mum cause I rely on childcare where I work.

His dad meanwhile has no involvement pays no maintenance but that’s also my fault cause I should have chose better.

And he gets to walk away with absolutely zero accountability

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XWKD · 22/12/2025 23:26

There are people who have children and regret it.

Original poster

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:27

BauhausOfEliott · 05/12/2025 11:27

I'm 100% sure that, if I had a child, I would adore it and think it was the most amazing thing in the entire world, and it would bring me huge amounts of joy - because obviously, that is how most mothers feel about their kids.

But does that mean I want children? Absolutely not. I'm 49 now and I'm very glad that I never had them, and I've never once felt like I'm missing out.

It's perfectly possible for both those things to be true at the same time.

Yeah you’re right it is true!

probably the same way I think that it would be lovely if I met a decent man and had someone to share life with. But at the same time I don’t feel like I’m missing out if I never meet that person

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:29

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/12/2025 11:29

Yep. 58 and never had the baby feels. I never felt responsible or grown up enough. Still don't.

When I was younger I had lots of women with kids telling me how "children change your life!" in a fairly patronising way. I'd already worked that out for myself and it just didn't appeal at all.

The very thought of having children just makes me want to have a nap!

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I don’t feel responsible or grown up enough either! The day I brought him home I couldn’t believe it was allowed haha.

They do change your life - but whether in a positive or negative way depends on your opinion. I no longer have much of a social life without my kid, I’m much more tired and have very little time to myself. But he is worth it.

The thought of my child also makes me want to have a nap!

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:30

Doingtheboxerbeat · 05/12/2025 13:34

I agree - hypothetically I would love them for sure , but from the outside looking in , they are objectively a burden, that you have no choice but to love even if they turn out to be horrendous, which some are .

Being in love (which I have experienced) is slightly different because I can remember the heady early stages of being totally consumed by it all, but I also know that I would cross the street to avoid a certain someone I thought I truly loved. So at present, I don't feel the need to experience that kind of love again.

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Yeah and it’s a different kind of love. Love for a child is in my opinion unconditional love whereas with a partner it isn’t. If they do something to hurt or betray you then that love can be killed.

Hence why I’ve been single a long time

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Original poster

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:31

XWKD · 22/12/2025 23:26

There are people who have children and regret it.

Yes there are - it must be a very difficult feeling

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Swiftie1878 · 23/12/2025 09:43

jamcorrosion · 22/12/2025 23:29

I don’t feel responsible or grown up enough either! The day I brought him home I couldn’t believe it was allowed haha.

They do change your life - but whether in a positive or negative way depends on your opinion. I no longer have much of a social life without my kid, I’m much more tired and have very little time to myself. But he is worth it.

The thought of my child also makes me want to have a nap!

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Having very young children (and the relationship you have with them, the energy they take etc) is VERY different to having older/adult children. And the ‘young’ phase is actually, in retrospect, very fleeting.
Judgements or decisions based on having to deal with lack of sleep and toddler tantrums are a bit silly really. That’s a tiny, tiny part of being a parent.