Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

That poster isn't talking about OP's children. Referring to @ExitPursuedByABare 's friend's situation

I think that's very sensible.

Sounds like their split has been working up to this point. Probably down to the OP and how she has handled it

How would you have handled it better?

What are you talking about? I didn't say I would have handled it better. I think OP should get a lot of credit for the way she has handled it so far

He didn’t cheat but he did ask if his boyfriend could come till midday

I would just say no - no explanation needed. If he tries to protest, refer him back to your previous no.

No - this is an unreasonable request on his part, irrespective of sexual orientation.
I would suggest that you say No I don't feel comfortable inviting this person into my home and I quite understand if you would rather peel off after watching the kids open their presents and before lunch. With small kids it's not as if Christmas lunch will be a major thing, so he will not be missing out on anything.

Next year - separate Christmases will be the order of the day

That's a lot to ask of you and YANBU to say no. His bf is an adult and will be okay by himself for the first half of the day. If not, he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a very newly divorced man with young kids. Inevitably, there will be times and places where he's not invited, and that's okay.

As a PP suggested, he could go home earlier than planned if the bf can't be left alone until the afternoon.

Absolutely no, and FWIW I don't believe his boyfriend's plans have "fallen through". You don't charge plans and dump family members threw weeks before Christmas. I think they've planned this.

This was my family growing up. We always had extra people invited. Sometimes people would just drop by uninvited and stay for the entire day.

That being said there’s no way in hell I would allow my ex to bring his new partner.

The reality is the children’s father has made his choice to leave the family home. He does not get to bring his partner around just because his partner doesn’t have people who care about him.

The kids in a post regarding another family are adults…OP’s children are 3 and 4.

Big no from me. It concerns me a little that you need reassurance that YANBU on this one OP, because it is so glaringly obvious that it was not OK for him to ask you this.

Whislt amicable divorces might be preferable for all involved, I wonder if you have been overly accommodating to him during the breakup? Or if you are struggling to trust your perception after the shock of finding out the truth about your husband?

I wondering if you've been a bit too reasonable about all of this so far? Is he often so completely obtuse and insensitive?

This isn't a random stranger down on his luck. This is the person that her ex-husband cheated on her with. Would you say the same if it was the other woman that he had cheated with and then asked his wife to host her for Christmas dinner so that she wouldn't be on her own? It's asking far too much of OP.

This! WTAF is your ex thinking? That Xmas is so important to a grown man that he can’t possibly spend the first half by himself (or find others to join who don’t mind having him)?! How immature, delicate and selfish is he??!

They’re both putting their comfort and feelings above you and your children’s - not acceptable, especially on arguably the most important day of the year for children outside of their birthdays!

This is so lacking in self awareness from both of them it’s bizarre.

It’s bc celebrity figures like Philip fucking Schofield publicly came out (were forced to bc their seedy flings, where they cheated on their wives, were about to become public knowledge) and their wives were presented as gracefully accepting. What the hell could they have done?

I felt so sorry for her knowing that the nation viewed this cowardly, cheating little shit as ‘brave’ for finally owning his true feelings (which he had before he met her - he just used her to protect himself in the tv industry, the selfish prick!) and would have gone to town accusing her of homophobia if she had for one second been anything but publicly supportive.

It’s so manipulative and devious. It would not be expected to accept infidelity with a straight partner but for some reason it should be commended that the father of their children is finally being true to themselves. 🤮

Just noooo!
Can’t believe he asked - what a clueless, entitled CF!
Show him the MN vote - 94% saying YANBU.

This.

Absolutely not!!!! CF of the highest order!
24! Jesus - Surely he can play with his new toys on Christmas morning till your Ex gets back.
“Plans fallen through” my arse.

Did the “random stray people” include any men that daddy was shagging? No? Then your family’s very ordinary Christmas hospitality has zero relevance here.

Wow what a negative outlook. My parents are divorced but after some time became friends again and we are in many ways a more functioning family than we were when they were together. Both have new partners too who all get along. I agree with others if OP doesn’t feel comfortable with this situation at such an early stage she has every right to say no to his DP coming for Xmas but she’s clearly doing an amazing job of keeping things as good as possible for her children by giving it careful consideration.

This is the third post I’ve seen where split parents still do Christmas together and it’s caused a massive headache. Have the kids every other Christmas and all of these issues are avoided.

Christmas Cock you mean.

Too soon. You’ve had an awful lot to deal with. You don’t need this too.

Your ex and his boyfriend must be incredibly self centered to even ask you to do this. I don't think I could bring myself to cook for them, the atmosphere would be terrible and I would probably not handle it well. You sound like you are a stronger person than me, OP.

Nope.

I can guarantee you, as the child of divorced parents, that playing happy families at Christmas is not the norm.

Regardless of whether XH is dating.a 24yo man or a 24yo woman, it doesn’t matter. He is trying to trample your own boundaries in your own home for his own benefit. Keep firm and say no—it is clear in your posts that you don’t want this to happen.

As you already invited XH, perhaps it’s best not to rescind his invitation, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying it’s not a +1 situation.

It is not your job to ensure that XH’s new partner doesn’t experience any discomfort at Christmas due to a breakdown in his own family’s Christmas plans. Your DH is an insensitive dick for even suggesting this