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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
AthenaWhite · 03/12/2025 06:28

No. Whether woman or man this is the person that he cheated with.

That doesn't work for me is all you need to say.
Don't be a doormat and don't centre his needs.

Walkerzoo · 03/12/2025 06:31

Definitely not
Also think about what the day looks like for the op.
Now is the time to think whether to host others, or not.

And to think about contact arrangements.

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 06:47

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2025 00:24

Every time one of these 'my husband has come out' threads come up, I'm always staggered at how breathtakingly entitled, presumptuous and unreasonable the men are.

Why do they always expect the women they've left to be so damn accommodating?

If my husband can out I’d feel like he’d made a joke of me.
This is an insane request & the answer should be a firm no.

Parky04 · 03/12/2025 06:50

Absolutely not!

FeetupTvon · 03/12/2025 06:57

Tell him no, but be prepared for him to choose to stay with partner instead of coming to you.

Coconutter24 · 03/12/2025 07:01

OVienna · 02/12/2025 22:32

The kids are tiny.

Show quote history

‘ExitPursuedByABare · Yesterday 22:16
My friend’s DH came out as gay 4 years ago. They still sometimes holiday together with their adult children and share family celebrations.’

Coconutter24 · 03/12/2025 07:02

BeaRightThere · 02/12/2025 22:41

Apologies, I missed that the kids were adults. Still think it's unreasonable though.

Show quote history

Tbh I wouldn’t want to know about an exs dating life whether they were gay or straight

Coconutter24 · 03/12/2025 07:04

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/12/2025 01:20

What makes you think the kids are adults when the op says the kids are very young? And her opening post says ‘To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.’
They have young children who do not need to know daddy is in a relationship, what they do need to know is daddy might have left the house but he still loves them and they are the most important people to him. No strange new boyfriends invited to family Christmas.

Edited
Show quote history

I know OP has young kids but my last comment wasn’t to Op! I was replying to another poster

‘ExitPursuedByABare · Yesterday 22:16
My friend’s DH came out as gay 4 years ago. They still sometimes holiday together with their adult children and share family celebrations’

HelloCharming · 03/12/2025 07:15

My DHs ex has been joining us for Christmas for 20 years….the first Christmas they were apart they did Christmas together and I went to my parents, and the next Christmas. Then she went to friends for a couple of years. After that she came to ours occasionally with her relatives if they were visiting her. So DHs ex in laws. So it can work.

but OP, this is way too soon, if you are feeling uncomfortable then say no. If you don’t mind, great.

BeaRightThere · 03/12/2025 07:17

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 23:20

Oh, OP. You sound nice. And your ex has run rings around you.

It did not come "out of the blue" for him. He had been in touch with other men before your split.

And he is currently manipulating you. He's getting some kind of kick out of having his young thing around in your family house on Christmas Day.

Show quote history

This is a crazy response and hardly helpful to the OP. Her ex-husband is not sitting around with his boyfriend coming up with ways to make her miserable and he isn't getting a sick thrill out of the situation. Most people are not sociopaths and there is no reason to believe her ex is one.

Encouraging the OP to think the worst is not going to help her amicably co-parent with her ex which should be their mutual aim.

tripleginandtonic · 03/12/2025 07:23

If the bf is going to be in your dcs lives then maybe, but only if it doesn't spoil Christmas for you. So yanbu to say no, and also I dont think your ex was necessarily wrong for asking.

Ohthatsabitshit · 03/12/2025 07:30

Quite apart from how awful that would be for you and how very exhausting to have the already difficult Christmas made all about his new relationship, it’s NOT about the children at all.
Say “no” but that you totally understand he might want to leave before lunch after all. Have a Christmas breakfast and presents with XH, and then maybe he could take them for a walk/playground and you could have a breather before lunch? Then he could pop them back and go and lunch with BF???

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 07:31

BeaRightThere · 03/12/2025 07:17

This is a crazy response and hardly helpful to the OP. Her ex-husband is not sitting around with his boyfriend coming up with ways to make her miserable and he isn't getting a sick thrill out of the situation. Most people are not sociopaths and there is no reason to believe her ex is one.

Encouraging the OP to think the worst is not going to help her amicably co-parent with her ex which should be their mutual aim.

Show quote history

I’m agree to a point.

The children here are so young & we’re close to babies 18 months ago so the ex basically had two kids & straight away came out. Says he’s bi but isn’t interested in another relationship with a woman. Umm hmm.

OP would want to be incredibly naive not to approach this with caution.

MatronPomfrey · 03/12/2025 07:32

Definitely not. I wouldn’t even be happy that he’d introduced your children to his new DP. DP needs to realise he’s in a relationship with a man that has children and they come 1st. Your ex either leaves DP at home while he is with the children or leaves yours after present opening to have lunch with DP.

Whoevenarethey · 03/12/2025 07:33

Sorry but absolutely no. Maybe this is where plans can be changed and he can pop over in the morning to see the kids open presents etc but then go off and have lunch with the boyfriend and then have the children boxing day (or however you currently split the child arrangements).

I think you spent last Christmas putting on a united front so there is no need to do that again this year. Cooking lunch and playing happy families is potentially more confusing for the children than now accepting dad lives in a flat elsewhere.

Blizzardofleaves · 03/12/2025 07:33

I think your ex has put you through enough already, and you have already been so accommodating. More than most.

The new boyfriend is young enough to be your ex’s son. Gross. Absolutely no way. It is confusing for your children and I very much doubt this will last either.

Blizzardofleaves · 03/12/2025 07:40

I think you need to set in stone how things will be in the future, and put in more boundaries not less. Otherwise you will have them both for every family event.

At some point it’s likely you will meet someone else. It’s really best to now make it clear you won’t be looking after a third child et every gathering. This will lead to children’s birthdays, Easter’s, fathers and Mother’s Day, Halloween, school plays, sports days, fireworks night, holidays. It won’t stop at Christmas.

No way.

Rules and boundaries are now required op.

Terrytheweasel · 03/12/2025 07:41

Kibble19 · 02/12/2025 22:45

Nobody’s saying they can’t get along. But come on, it’s beyond a joke to expect this of your ex.

There’s being amicable, then there’s bringing your new relationship into the home of your previous marriage because, apparently a grown man can’t be alone at Christmas for a few hours. It’s not normal.

Show quote history

I realise it’s not normal but I’m not a conventional person anyway, It all depends how hurt op is still by it all. If I’d moved on mentally, I’d just prefer to keep things friendly, My ex’s new partner is welcome to ours at Christmas, and it wouldn’t make a difference if it was a man or woman. He was awful to me but he’s still in my children’s lives so I include him (and her) for their sakes and I can get along with most people for a few hours.
If that person is now in my children’s lives, I want to know them. I appreciate I’m in the minority on this one though.

LBFseBrom · 03/12/2025 07:44

Terrytheweasel · 02/12/2025 22:40

Going against the grain here but I would include him in the lunch (if you’re on ok terms with your ex husband and he is paying his way and doing his fair share of childcare).
I would always rather spend the day with my children and not have to separate up in future. The time will come when you have a new partner and hopefully you can spend it together and get along and model healthy relationships for your children. Not easy of course but it’s what I would do.

Edited

So would I. It's been eighteen months. This guy might be around a long time, could be a good support in time, you never know.

However it is up to the op.

LBFseBrom · 03/12/2025 07:45

Terrytheweasel · 03/12/2025 07:41

I realise it’s not normal but I’m not a conventional person anyway, It all depends how hurt op is still by it all. If I’d moved on mentally, I’d just prefer to keep things friendly, My ex’s new partner is welcome to ours at Christmas, and it wouldn’t make a difference if it was a man or woman. He was awful to me but he’s still in my children’s lives so I include him (and her) for their sakes and I can get along with most people for a few hours.
If that person is now in my children’s lives, I want to know them. I appreciate I’m in the minority on this one though.

Show quote history

I am inclined to agree with you, Terrytheweasel.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/12/2025 07:46

For me, that would be far too early.

Noshowlomo · 03/12/2025 07:51

Nope

Nomorepants · 03/12/2025 08:00

This happened to a friend. It was heartbreaking at the time but she has worked incredibly hard to build a new blended family with her ex and his partner. It’s actually pretty bloody marvellous. Not easy then, still sad now, but they have done an amazing job of creating something beautiful.

While this relationship might not work out, and it’s very early days for you, maybe you could find a way to make it work for the longer term benefit of your new world.

TheendofmrY · 03/12/2025 08:00

schoolfriend · 02/12/2025 22:01

No. He’s a dick for asking.

Damn right he is. Don’t feel pressured to say yes. That would be shit for you and for the kids.

Shakirasma · 03/12/2025 08:00

I can't believe he had the cheek to even ask! Of course its not okay, he knows it's not okay but now he's put you in the position of having to be the bad guy by (obviously) saying no.