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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2025 00:24

Every time one of these 'my husband has come out' threads come up, I'm always staggered at how breathtakingly entitled, presumptuous and unreasonable the men are.

Why do they always expect the women they've left to be so damn accommodating?

JoClogs · 03/12/2025 00:25

I would find it hard to be believe that a forty year old man in the UK didn't know he was gay from puberty and didn't act on it. I'm a generation older and have two cousins who are gay - it was tough for them to come out in the eighties but not for the following generation.

ibecruising · 03/12/2025 00:25

As a 40 year old man, his very first boyfriend is 16 years younger...🙄

MumWifeOther · 03/12/2025 00:29

Absolutely not

FluentHare · 03/12/2025 00:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Daygloboo · 03/12/2025 00:35

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

In the longer term, it might be easier for you to be amicable and stay on good terms with both of them rather than have unpleasantness. You might meet someone else and actually get to a point where you dont really mind about him and his boyfriend. And for that reason maybe its worth putting up with the boyfriend having christmas lunch. But I have to say that I think the boyfriend sounds very needy and, frankly, childish, if he can't even let your husband come round and be with his children for a few hours. It smacks of terrible insecurity. A grown up, secure person would have stayed in the background and let your husband go to yours. Seriously OP I think youre going to get fairly sick of both of them pretty soon and you'll find youve moved on with your life sooner than you think..They sound like a pair of plonkers.

LemaxObsessive · 03/12/2025 00:39

My godddd 24 and he’s 40?! He’s old enough to be his Dad!

Derbee · 03/12/2025 00:39

I can’t believe even 1 person has said you should consider it. It’s inappropriate to even be introducing new boyfriends/girlfriends to a 3 and 4 year old this soon, never mind having them be part of your Christmas.

The same sex aspect of this makes many people view it differently, for some bizarre reason. I’ve laughed when I’ve seen “homophobic” accusations bandied about on this thread. Whoever your husband is shagging, however young, it’s disgraceful that he even thinks the children should meet them, never mind be invited for Christmas

ChessorBuckaroo · 03/12/2025 00:45

JustSawJohnny · 03/12/2025 00:16

Nearly half his age.

Grim.

Show quote history

Age difference is quite common in the gay community.

My cousin was with a man way more than twice his age (and the man also ended up dying while with him). My younger sister is closer to my cousin than me as she lived near him at the time so I cannot recall his exact age or how he died, but yeah they think nothing of the age gap.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 03/12/2025 00:45

NO NO NO! Gay or not, he left you and your kids only 18m ago and is already shacked up? He can fuck off. Uninvite him from your Christmas morning! Pig he is.

Ilovemychocolate · 03/12/2025 00:48

Well I hosted my exes new girlfriend for Christmas within six months of us splitting up, and them being together.
We had a wonderful time.
18 years later we have a fantastic co-parenting situation.
His partner has been an amazing second mum to our dd.
I put our dd first and foremost, and it worked out.
The sexuality is unimportant, the co-parenting isn’t.

Ilovemychocolate · 03/12/2025 00:49

Oh and my dd was age 3.

MowingMachine · 03/12/2025 00:50

Ilovemychocolate · 03/12/2025 00:48

Well I hosted my exes new girlfriend for Christmas within six months of us splitting up, and them being together.
We had a wonderful time.
18 years later we have a fantastic co-parenting situation.
His partner has been an amazing second mum to our dd.
I put our dd first and foremost, and it worked out.
The sexuality is unimportant, the co-parenting isn’t.

OP can put her children first without having the skanky ex's side piece to lunch.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 03/12/2025 00:51

BeaRightThere · 02/12/2025 22:27

That's extremely unreasonable of her. So he can never mention a boyfriend or introduce one to the kids?

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s extremely unreasonable to not want to be around your ex and see them with men. It must be really tough.

MowingMachine · 03/12/2025 00:53

Imagine the OP started a thread - "My ex wants to introduce our children to his much younger woman, who he has only been with for 18 months, and have her be with us for Christmas lunch" - see how that goes!

Icecreamisthebest · 03/12/2025 00:54

Ilovemychocolate · 03/12/2025 00:48

Well I hosted my exes new girlfriend for Christmas within six months of us splitting up, and them being together.
We had a wonderful time.
18 years later we have a fantastic co-parenting situation.
His partner has been an amazing second mum to our dd.
I put our dd first and foremost, and it worked out.
The sexuality is unimportant, the co-parenting isn’t.

This actually really upsets me. The OP has said she is not comfortable. You've given no information about why your marriage ended. You haven't said whose idea this was to host the new GF. There's no indication that your situations are remotely the same.

If the OP is made to feel uncomfortable in her own home, how is that putting her DC first? I don't think it is.

Fair play to you @Ilovemychocolate and I'm glad it worked out for you but I do not think this is the same

Daytimetellyqueen · 03/12/2025 00:54

schoolfriend · 02/12/2025 22:01

No. He’s a dick for asking.

This! What a selfish arsehole wanker.

OtterlyAstounding · 03/12/2025 00:57

Ilovemychocolate · 03/12/2025 00:48

Well I hosted my exes new girlfriend for Christmas within six months of us splitting up, and them being together.
We had a wonderful time.
18 years later we have a fantastic co-parenting situation.
His partner has been an amazing second mum to our dd.
I put our dd first and foremost, and it worked out.
The sexuality is unimportant, the co-parenting isn’t.

If you were happy with that, then great, but OP isn't happy so it's a totally different situation. If you weren't happy with it and did it anyway, then I feel very sorry for you.

(Also, given your ex must have been dating his girlfriend for less than six months, that's much too soon to be introducing her to the children and having her at anyone's Christmas, whether his or yours. You're lucky it worked out, instead of your children having a revolving door of different 'daddy's girlfriends' at every Christmas!)

WearyAuldWumman · 03/12/2025 01:01

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango2 · 02/12/2025 22:05

Some divorced people try and be amicable you know?

Show quote history

Caring parents give their children more than 18 months to allow their children to come to terms with their new reality.

ThroughTheWorst · 03/12/2025 01:01

What a selfish cunt. He’d have known he liked men when he was with you but chose to marry you and have kids with you without telling you. Now he expects you to welcome his new bf into your home, to spend Christmas with you and your children, for you to provide dinner and entertain them as a couple. There is also the issue of him dating someone so much younger.

Fucking hell OP, tell him to think about how selfish he has been and continues to be. And that he’s a total creep dating someone so much younger.

Id have minimal contact with him, keeping it civil for your children’s sake. Hopefully your ex will realise that he needs to prioritise his children.

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2025 01:09

Ilovemychocolate · 03/12/2025 00:48

Well I hosted my exes new girlfriend for Christmas within six months of us splitting up, and them being together.
We had a wonderful time.
18 years later we have a fantastic co-parenting situation.
His partner has been an amazing second mum to our dd.
I put our dd first and foremost, and it worked out.
The sexuality is unimportant, the co-parenting isn’t.

Part and parcel of any successful relationship, co-parenting included, is understanding and accepting that sometimes the other person just cannot accommodate your requests.

Maybe in time to come, but not now. There's absolutely no reason they must all spend Christmas together, especially if they're not all comfortable.

Anxioustealady · 03/12/2025 01:10

How dare he even ask?! That would make me think he didn't even feel guilty and that would really make me angry.

Also, to the PP saying you should invite him for the kids, I'm a child of divorce and I would've HATED this. I loved having just my parents and siblings together for once.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/12/2025 01:11

Keep emotion out of the request; simply say you are not comfortable with this; and that it is too early to spend Christmas with the boyfriend.

You may feel differently next year, you may not and there isn't a right or wrong.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2025 01:13

lljkk · 02/12/2025 22:09

I'd be minded to say Yes.
Maybe for context... my family Christmas events growing up, always included some random stray people who didn't have somewhere better to go. Friends of my cousins or aunts and extended family. It was normal to have people I never met at Christmas. Christian thing to include them, maybe (although our Xmas event wasn't at all religious).

You can't host him if his company will upset you, of course.

You'd have the person who was involved in the break-up of your marriage over for Christmas dinner??

I bloody wouldn't

And I really think @Christmasissue25 you should start sorting out separate Christmases now

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/12/2025 01:20

Coconutter24 · 02/12/2025 22:31

The kids are adults so they can decide for themselves if they want to meet a new partner surely.

Show quote history

What makes you think the kids are adults when the op says the kids are very young? And her opening post says ‘To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.’
They have young children who do not need to know daddy is in a relationship, what they do need to know is daddy might have left the house but he still loves them and they are the most important people to him. No strange new boyfriends invited to family Christmas.