Page 7 | Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

Christmasissue25 · 2025-12-02T22:00:21+00:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this. To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together. We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids. We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave. He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on. He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents. I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know. My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 23:39

OP, I'm going to say this again. Your ex is pulling a power play on you. He wants to take over his old life, and you, with his new life. And to do it in front of your children, on Christmas Day.

Make your own decision. But his tootsie's plans didn't "fall through". You are being played. He is enjoying it. He is exploiting your good will.

As is often, wonderfully, said on Mumsnet - "No" is a complete sentence.

JoClogs · 02/12/2025 23:39

You mention his boyfriend is much younger than your ex which suggests that he is at least in his forties or fifties or maybe sixties and has very young children with you.
Is there also a big age gap with you?
If so, it's possible he targeted you because he wanted children before he got too old and now he's got them he's gone back to what he actually enjoys, much younger men. I find it frankly unbelievable he was not with other men all his adult life and during your marriage. His ease at inviting his toyboy to Xmas dinner with you is very telling.

Wickedd · 02/12/2025 23:43

100% no way.

Don’t do it. You’re better off not having either ex h or partner there tbh- put boundaries in place!

Littlejellyuk · 02/12/2025 23:44

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:44

Just to clarify on a few points:

-Our children aren’t adults, they are 3 and 4.
-Ex didn’t cheat (to my knowledge(
-No signs he was gay during marriage, and he claims (well claimed in the aftermath) to still be physically attracted to women and is bisexual, but doesn’t ever want to be in a relationship with one again.

Hold the phone 🤔
Forget he is gay for one minute. ✋️
Bear with me 😇

You split up, yes?
So you both grinned and beared it for the kids last year, to make it all seem a little lighter on Xmas day.
Well done you. 👏 💕 😌

But this is another new adult in the mix.
Now he wants to bring his NEW PARTNER to YOUR house on Xmas day for lunch? While he sits at the head of the table, getting waited on like King Tut? 😨
Fucking no. 👎 with a CAPITAL F!

Look, I'm all for being a grown up and being civilised for the kids sake, but hosting him and his new partner is DEFFO NOT the way to go forward. 😬
You are now separated and should really do that moving forward. 💯

Ask yourself this....
If his new partner was a female, would you be so accommodating? 🧐 No?
Nah. I wouldn't either. 😤
Sack them off, and start doing separate Christmases/taking turns to have the kids etc.

Your children will thank-you for the clear cut boundaries when they are older. 🙌
Edited to say, don't be guilted into this bollocks. Put your foot down NOW.
@Christmasissue25

TiredCatLady · 02/12/2025 23:45

The absolute brass neck on him.

Wants to have his BF there to presumably play happy families while you cook and serve them dinner and pretend he didn’t throw a grenade into your life? And oh but it’s Xmas? No. Fuck that a dozen times over - if it was a GF, you wouldn’t hesitate to tell him to fuck off and this isn’t any different.

No is a complete sentence and if he wants to put his new partner over his kids Xmas then that tells you everything.

Pallisers · 02/12/2025 23:47

I'm quite amused too at the people saying "well this is the new normal for your family and it helps the kids to see all the adults getting along" 18 months after a change of sexual orientation and a separation! This is not a long-term committed relationship yet. Most people won't have started dating in that time still less introducing the boyfriends to their children.

Do people really think the new normal into the future will include this particular much younger boyfriend forever and ever?

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/12/2025 23:48

Littlejellyuk · 02/12/2025 23:44

Hold the phone 🤔
Forget he is gay for one minute. ✋️
Bear with me 😇

You split up, yes?
So you both grinned and beared it for the kids last year, to make it all seem a little lighter on Xmas day.
Well done you. 👏 💕 😌

But this is another new adult in the mix.
Now he wants to bring his NEW PARTNER to YOUR house on Xmas day for lunch? While he sits at the head of the table, getting waited on like King Tut? 😨
Fucking no. 👎 with a CAPITAL F!

Look, I'm all for being a grown up and being civilised for the kids sake, but hosting him and his new partner is DEFFO NOT the way to go forward. 😬
You are now separated and should really do that moving forward. 💯

Ask yourself this....
If his new partner was a female, would you be so accommodating? 🧐 No?
Nah. I wouldn't either. 😤
Sack them off, and start doing separate Christmases/taking turns to have the kids etc.

Your children will thank-you for the clear cut boundaries when they are older. 🙌
Edited to say, don't be guilted into this bollocks. Put your foot down NOW.
@Christmasissue25

Edited

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I agree.

If this was him wanting to bring his much younger girlfriend MN would be up in arms.

As a PP said, some people seem to have a blind spot with same sex cheating, but I dont get it. Its still fucking cheating!!

JustSawJohnny · 02/12/2025 23:49

Sorry but he's taking the piss.

Why the FUCK would your priorities on Xmas day be about your ex's new shag piece, regardless of gender?!!

It would be a fuck right off from me.

And if you can't say that, just say it's not OK to expect you to be uncomfortable in your own home on Xmas day for the sakes of someone you don't even know.

Cheeky bastard!

Original poster

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 23:51

JoClogs · 02/12/2025 23:39

You mention his boyfriend is much younger than your ex which suggests that he is at least in his forties or fifties or maybe sixties and has very young children with you.
Is there also a big age gap with you?
If so, it's possible he targeted you because he wanted children before he got too old and now he's got them he's gone back to what he actually enjoys, much younger men. I find it frankly unbelievable he was not with other men all his adult life and during your marriage. His ease at inviting his toyboy to Xmas dinner with you is very telling.

Edited

No, we are similar ages. 37 and 40 (him). His partner is 24.

OP posts:

LemonDrizzleKay · 02/12/2025 23:52

What a fucking cheek he has to ask you to do that. Absolutely not.

nomas · 02/12/2025 23:53

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 23:51

No, we are similar ages. 37 and 40 (him). His partner is 24.

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Eww. That's a big difference.

BigBoots67 · 02/12/2025 23:53

You’re having your ex there because it feels too soon to have separate christmases, right?

then it’s certainly too soon for his new bf to wade in

And on the other hand, if the bf had any decency he wouldn’t entertain this idea either

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:54

Of course you are not being unreasonable. The end.

Hollyhobbi · 02/12/2025 23:56

His 24 year old toy boy can have a nice, long lie-in for himself on Christmas morning!

Lovelyindevon · 02/12/2025 23:56

bert3400 · 02/12/2025 22:11

If your XH was in a straight relationship with a woman, would it be acceptable for her to gatecrash your Christmas..... absolutely not, so why the new Boyfriend?

This.

Whilst, it looks like, he didn’t leave you for his new boyfriend it’s pretty close.

You’ve been handed and have dealt with quite a bombshell. I think it’s time for you to look after yourself this Christmas. (And onwards)

Maybe next Christmas when the dust has settled?

Have you parents/relations/friends you can go to so that it’s not just a straight no ( assuming you want to go of course)

Try not to be rushed/forced into a decision. He’s presented you with a big ask.

Icecreamisthebest · 02/12/2025 23:56

No

You are not comfortable and that is all that matters here. You have the right to be comfortable in your own home on christmas day.

There are 3 weeks until christmas. Plenty of time for the boyfriend to come up with new plans. And even if he can't find someone else to spend christmas morning with, he's old enough to spend it alone.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/12/2025 23:58

lljkk · 02/12/2025 22:09

I'd be minded to say Yes.
Maybe for context... my family Christmas events growing up, always included some random stray people who didn't have somewhere better to go. Friends of my cousins or aunts and extended family. It was normal to have people I never met at Christmas. Christian thing to include them, maybe (although our Xmas event wasn't at all religious).

You can't host him if his company will upset you, of course.

Including people who have nowhere to go at Christmas is quite different from hosting your ex husbands gay lover…

Redruby2020 · 02/12/2025 23:58

No respect for your feelings. Also I love
how men come up with these ideas, but do you think he would be so up for dinner all together, if you were to bring his replacement 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I don’t think so 🤣

LemonDrizzleKay · 03/12/2025 00:04

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango2 · 02/12/2025 22:05

Some divorced people try and be amicable you know?

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Op had to deal with the discovery that her husband was gay and that he was sleeping with his lover during their relationship. She owes him nothing.

Makemakee · 03/12/2025 00:11

Absolute selfish twat for asking and putting you and the children (as this will no doubt taint their Christmas morning whatever you decide to do) in this position. Sorry you have had to go through this.

OtterlyAstounding · 03/12/2025 00:14

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 23:51

No, we are similar ages. 37 and 40 (him). His partner is 24.

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Ewww, gross. He's young enough to be your husband's child.

Even putting aside everything else that means you should tell your ex to piss off with that request, I doubt his rebound relationship with a guy 16 years his junior is going to last, so there's really no point in introducing him into family occasions like Christmas. It'll only confuse your kids.

JustSawJohnny · 03/12/2025 00:16

OtterlyAstounding · 03/12/2025 00:14

Ewww, gross. He's young enough to be your husband's child.

Even putting aside everything else that means you should tell your ex to piss off with that request, I doubt his rebound relationship with a guy 16 years his junior is going to last, so there's really no point in introducing him into family occasions like Christmas. It'll only confuse your kids.

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Nearly half his age.

Grim.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2025 00:16

The issue here is that he is so far ahead.

So lets buy for one second (does anyone, really?!!) that he didnt cheat. He started this relationship 18 months ago. To him this is an established relationship so of course the OP should be happy to accept the boyfriend into their Xmas because of that. Except that for the OP, who was blindsided by his coming out and the ending of what she thought was a stable and loving marriage, and his kids, who have met Daddy's "friend" a couple of times, its breaking news!

They are still trying to find their "new normal" and Mommy Daddy Dearest is attempting to steam roller them all into shoring up his "oh we are so amicable...we spend Xmas together, we have such a wonder family together" image that he has projected.

I suspect that the OP saying no will cause something of a tantrum. People like this dont like reality crashing into their fantasy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2025 00:16

JustSawJohnny · 03/12/2025 00:16

Nearly half his age.

Grim.

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.

OtterlyAstounding · 03/12/2025 00:17

Icecreamisthebest · 02/12/2025 23:56

No

You are not comfortable and that is all that matters here. You have the right to be comfortable in your own home on christmas day.

There are 3 weeks until christmas. Plenty of time for the boyfriend to come up with new plans. And even if he can't find someone else to spend christmas morning with, he's old enough to spend it alone.

he's old enough to spend it alone

Although, only just old enough, it seems