Page 13 | Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

Christmasissue25 · 2025-12-02T22:00:21+00:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this. To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together. We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids. We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave. He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on. He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents. I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know. My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 10:32

IsThisLifeNow · 03/12/2025 10:20

I am in your position but only 8 months in, my kids are slightly older but still very much young, only 7 and 3.

I wouldn't allow it, as people have suggested, it's too soon and too painful yet, suggest he goes home after presents and eats with his boyfriend.

It's so painful and I'm sorry you are in this position. You aren't homophobic to not want his new partner with you on Christmas day, I got told I'm homophobic and ended up deleting the whole support thread I started after it got jumped on by people telling me so. I have many gay, lesbian, nonbinary and sone trans friends too, I was distressed because my husband had been cheating and lying for 10 years, not because he was gay.

I’m sorry that happened to you.

Its makes me so angry to hear this.

Thats where we are a society increasingly I find. You can’t discuss that maybe your husband lying & cheating wasn’t a great experience for you without being called homophobic.

Being cheated on is horrible but in most circumstances save for long term adultery it doesn’t usually call into question the entire relationship. A partner coming out as gay does. It doesn’t always mean there was deception but it’s always a question.

And while I understand there are cultural pressure is some situations, nobody has a right to use another person like that.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2025 10:33

I think its actually quite manipulative (as we have seen from quite a few posts here sugesting OP is homophobic) trying to bring a young BF he left OP for rather than a young GF
If he had left Op for another woman I bet he wouldn't dare suggest it but he's been all true to himself and authentic so OP refusing makes her look bad (to some idiots at least)

Taytoface · 03/12/2025 10:38

What. A. Knob. This is arseholery on a whole other level. Get fucking angry. He wants to bring his boy of a partner into his children's Christmas day five minutes after meeting him?? The one day of the year that is supposed to be solely centred around children and their wants and needs?!? And that says nothing about your feelings on the subject.

Were you a bit of a doormat in the relationship? I can't envisage anyone asking this of another human being unless they are very accustomed to getting their way.

Please tell him to fuck the fuck off and spend Christmas with his boy toy

soocool · 03/12/2025 10:39

Tell your ex that if he doesn't want his bf to be alone, that maybe he would call (alone) on Christmas morning and then go home to share a Christmas Dinner with his bf in their flat together.

That sounds reasonable to me. It's not your problem to ensure the bf is not alone is it?

Kubricklayer · 03/12/2025 10:42

Kids take priority over Ex H boyfriend. 2pm isn't that long to be on your own for (roughly half of the Xmas day) so the boyfriend will just have to make do.

If you accommodate this request Ex H is getting everything his way. He gets all the good parts of Xmas, morning and dinner with his children and boyfriend, before then getting the remainder of theday to spend with his boyfriend while OP will be entertaining kids, tidying up etc.

Completely unreasonable request IMO that puts Ex H and boyfriend feelings above the OP and most importantly DC.

Citrusbergamia · 03/12/2025 10:48

Good grief; absolutely not. Your ex-DH sounds utterly selfish in even asking you that question; ...me, me, me...

Isayitasitis · 03/12/2025 10:51

nomas · 03/12/2025 10:23

I repeat. Eww.

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You can repeat eww all you want, doesn't make it gross or wrong. They are both adults and as long as no power play, it's none of anyone's business who is in someone's bed.

Citrusbergamia · 03/12/2025 10:52

SomewhatAnnoyed · 03/12/2025 05:08

It’s bc celebrity figures like Philip fucking Schofield publicly came out (were forced to bc their seedy flings, where they cheated on their wives, were about to become public knowledge) and their wives were presented as gracefully accepting. What the hell could they have done?

I felt so sorry for her knowing that the nation viewed this cowardly, cheating little shit as ‘brave’ for finally owning his true feelings (which he had before he met her - he just used her to protect himself in the tv industry, the selfish prick!) and would have gone to town accusing her of homophobia if she had for one second been anything but publicly supportive.

It’s so manipulative and devious. It would not be expected to accept infidelity with a straight partner but for some reason it should be commended that the father of their children is finally being true to themselves. 🤮

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absolutely agree with both these comments.

These men and their attitude are so fucking arrogant and selfish. Never a thought for OP or the kids.

cordelia16 · 03/12/2025 10:57

Hollyhobbi · 02/12/2025 23:56

His 24 year old toy boy can have a nice, long lie-in for himself on Christmas morning!

Exactly this!

And if ex doesn't want to leave his poor woobie bf by himself for sooo long, he can leave your house early.

Absolutely do NOT entertain the bf in your home on Christmas!

SockFluffInTheBath · 03/12/2025 10:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2025 22:09

Oh dear god no. What the fuck is he thinking? Selfish arsehole. Say no and if you get anything other than a gracious acceptance tell him you won’t be having him over on the day either.

If it was another woman there’s just no way he’d even consider asking but he presumably thinks now he’s living his truth and been all brave and brilliant you’ll suck it up. Say no. And I’m so sorry, you’ve been through enough already 💐

This with (Christmas) bells on.

countingdowntotheholidays · 03/12/2025 11:01

God he really wants to have his cake and eat it! Hard no!

diddl · 03/12/2025 11:02

I'm interested to know what he will decide to do when told no.

Still have lunch with his kids?

And ask for a plate to take back?

surreygirly · 03/12/2025 11:04

It is a NOT A CHANCE IN HELL from me

DisruptiveCumin · 03/12/2025 11:11

Oh wow. That would be a HUGE NO from me and the audacity!!

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 03/12/2025 11:12

It all depends on how you feel about your ex. If you are still grieving the marriage, still getting over him and the shock - then its too much too soon.
But if you over him and it's all cool - then why not! You may have this new man in your kids life for a long time...

countingdowntotheholidays · 03/12/2025 11:12

Just wanted to add sorry for what your ex has done to you @Christmasissue25 I hope you and your DC have a wonderful Christmas. Do not let your ex snowplough you into anything else to fit with what HE wants.

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2025 11:12

It’s not unreasonable to say no, but personally I would want to say yes. The boyfriend is not someone who’s been around for 3 weeks and the kids are never going to see again. So if you can actually manage to be polite over lunch and acknowledge that your family is growing and changing, I honestly think that would be better in the long run.

countingdowntotheholidays · 03/12/2025 11:20

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2025 11:12

It’s not unreasonable to say no, but personally I would want to say yes. The boyfriend is not someone who’s been around for 3 weeks and the kids are never going to see again. So if you can actually manage to be polite over lunch and acknowledge that your family is growing and changing, I honestly think that would be better in the long run.

Really? Like others have said if it was a younger woman your husband had left you for would you also be so benevolent and welcome them to your Christmas lunch that you then prepared for them?!

SarahAndQuack · 03/12/2025 11:22

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2025 11:12

It’s not unreasonable to say no, but personally I would want to say yes. The boyfriend is not someone who’s been around for 3 weeks and the kids are never going to see again. So if you can actually manage to be polite over lunch and acknowledge that your family is growing and changing, I honestly think that would be better in the long run.

I would be very doubtful that a 24 year old is a permanent fixture in children's lives.

Not that it's impossible, but most 24-year-olds are at a different life stage from this. And this isn't something the ex had wanted to plan carefully. It's not as if he got in touch with the OP in October and said 'actually, I'm getting really serious about John and we'd love to do Christmas together; can we manage that at your house'. What's happened is that a 24-year-old who never planned to spend Christmas with his boyfriend and his boyfriend's children, has found himself at a loose end, and the OP's ex has suggested he come here as an alternative to being on his own.

To me, that doesn't feel like an indication this is a relationship where the 24-year-old is becoming a quasi-parental figure.

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2025 11:24

countingdowntotheholidays · 03/12/2025 11:20

Really? Like others have said if it was a younger woman your husband had left you for would you also be so benevolent and welcome them to your Christmas lunch that you then prepared for them?!

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Dunno. Maybe, if I thought she was a permanent fixture.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2025 11:25

Hohofortherobbers · 02/12/2025 22:04

You have been more than reasonable inviting the ex , his new boyfriend is a step too far

This.

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2025 11:25

SarahAndQuack · 03/12/2025 11:22

I would be very doubtful that a 24 year old is a permanent fixture in children's lives.

Not that it's impossible, but most 24-year-olds are at a different life stage from this. And this isn't something the ex had wanted to plan carefully. It's not as if he got in touch with the OP in October and said 'actually, I'm getting really serious about John and we'd love to do Christmas together; can we manage that at your house'. What's happened is that a 24-year-old who never planned to spend Christmas with his boyfriend and his boyfriend's children, has found himself at a loose end, and the OP's ex has suggested he come here as an alternative to being on his own.

To me, that doesn't feel like an indication this is a relationship where the 24-year-old is becoming a quasi-parental figure.

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That’s true. I guess I’d rather err on the side of hospitality and generosity if I could.

SemperIdem · 03/12/2025 11:25

You’re not at all unreasonable to say no OP.

I’m extremely doubtful that the new boyfriend actually wants to come along, much more likely that your ex has suggested it and he’s agreed to appease his “worldly wise” older boyfriend. He’s probably hoping you say no!

SarahAndQuack · 03/12/2025 11:25

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2025 11:24

Dunno. Maybe, if I thought she was a permanent fixture.

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I'm not quite clear why you would think someone aged 24, who has until days ago not planned to spend Christmas with his boyfriend, would be a 'permanent fixture'?

PinkBobby · 03/12/2025 11:27

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:18

Our children are very young but yes have met him. I met him before he was introduced to them. He’s polite, and a lot younger than my ex Husband. I really don’t think i’d be comfortable with what has been suggested though.

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To be honest, I think it depends how you want Christmas to look next year. I think (but don’t truly know!) I’d find splitting Christmas with very young kids really hard because I’d not be willing to ‘give up’ Christmas Day with them. I’d also rather pretend for a day for my kids’ sake but maybe that’s not a good attitude! Obviously I’d rather not have the bf there but I think maybe I’d put up with it so that I could keep hosting/being there on Christmas Day. But it’s easy to say this when I’m not having to deal with it. You may prefer alternating to sitting around playing happy families! On the flip side, if and when you move on, you’ve laid the groundwork for including your new partner when you’re ready to.