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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
Sartre · 03/12/2025 09:33

Oh god no way. It should be separate Christmases, I don’t think it’s too soon. Sorry this happened to you.

diddl · 03/12/2025 09:33

I think the fact that he even asked shows how little he thinks of his kids.

It's supposed to be about him seeing them on CD isn't it?

I mean most partners would just say to go see your kids & we'll have CD together on BD.

nicepotoftea · 03/12/2025 09:34

No, no, no.

The new boyfriend is presumably a grown up. He can cope for a few hours alone.

BeaRightThere · 03/12/2025 09:35

Cailin66 · 03/12/2025 08:17

There is no way a man got to age 35 and didn’t know he was gay. He used the OP to have children. He’s presumably been cheating the entire time they have been together. Now she’s been played like a fiddle, gaslighting her that he is bisexual while telling her he’ll never be with a woman again, gaslighting her about happy families when his angle is the children. OP needs to wake up to what’s he’s at.

Even if you are correct, and it's a big if, of course his angle is the children and that should be OP's angle too. The fact is that the marriage ended and it doesn't really matter how. What matters is becoming a decent co-parenting unit. It's best for the children to have parents who can be civil and ideally even friendly.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 03/12/2025 09:36

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together

Well that wouldn’t be things being as normal as possible at all, would it? That would be Daddy bringing his new boyfriend which is an entirely different dynamic. So no.

HappyFace2025 · 03/12/2025 09:40

Absolute no from me (having also had an ex who came out as gay after a six year affair with his best friend.)

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 03/12/2025 09:43

Christ no! Can't the boyfriend be on his own until, what, 3pm? It's not like your ex is going to be out all day.

Your ex needs to see that this is changing the 'United front' goalposts. The original idea was to still be the same family unit, having another partner there changes that.

Gfdeh · 03/12/2025 09:46

Bloody hell but he is a CF.
How awful OP.

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/12/2025 09:47

@OnlyToffeePennies Thanks for sharing your story you are a far better human being than I am agreeing to meet up, im. It sure I could have. As an aside I also always have all the toffee pennies.

You can co parent together without the new BF being there. How on earth does he think it’s even an ok request. The four of you do morning presents, lunch early at 1pm and then he can wash up and bugger off if his adult BF can’t cope alone as is some sort of weakling, pathetic.

Some people have Christmas all alone when they do not want to and are really lonely, they are deserving of sympathy. These two just seem like daft teens who can’t be apart for a second. With apologies to teens who may indeed be more mature.

noidea69 · 03/12/2025 09:50

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

no chance, the boyfriend is presumably not a dog, and can therefore be left alone for a few hours surely.

Conniebygaslight · 03/12/2025 10:02

It always seems that when a married man 'comes out' as gay, his wife is supposed to show compassion for his struggles and be accepting of it and this often means welcoming the new partner. Your husband lied and cheated throughout your marriage about who he was. Because he couldn't face up to himself for whatever reason he led you into a life that was pure fantasy. It's a diabolical thing to do to someone OP of course you're not ready to just be bloody happy for him and his 'new' partner.

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 10:07

Dontbeme · 03/12/2025 08:38

So your ex husband only moved out this summer and has already introduced your DC to his boyfriend? And now wants you to cook them both Christmas dinner?

I don't believe he didn't know he had an interest in men, I don't believe he only recently started dating this guy, I don't believe that this guys Christmas plans fell through and I don't believe your ex was faithful during your marriage either.

Lastly I don't believe you have even begun to process what your ex has done OP, as anyone that had even started to understand the magnitude of betrayal would be apoplectic with rage at the cheeky fuckery of even being asked to do this. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, please take care of what you need right now.

He being gay isn’t “red herring” as someone put it, nor is it irrelevant that his new partner is a man (although I’d still say no if it was a woman).
It calls into question his intentions in both marrying the OP and having children with her. The fact that he left when the children were so young is a huge red flag to me.
Who walks out on a baby & a toddler to come out? At 40 years of age?!
And his much younger BF has already met the kids?
Hmmm about the whole thing.

The narrative around Philip Scofield’s wife was awful IMO. Women are not supporting characters in men’s lives.

Im not saying any of this to make you feel bad OP, but you need your exercise caution & protect yourself and most of all your kids.

Cucy · 03/12/2025 10:08

Why do you think it will be easier having separate Christmas’ next year when the kids are older?

It should have been separate last year when the kids were 2 and 3, they literally wouldn’t have even known.

I think you need to do separate Christmas this year, else they’re going to get used to you doing it together and then it will be harder to stop.

Tell him that you’ll have them Xmas Eve and Xmas morning this year and he can have them for the afternoon and Boxing Day.
The next year he can have them Xmas Eve and Xmas morning and you can have them for the afternoon and Boxing Day.

Isayitasitis · 03/12/2025 10:11

nomas · 02/12/2025 23:53

Eww. That's a big difference.

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Age gaps are not illegal and many people have them.

As long as above 20, don't have any right to judge. 🙄

The pearl clutching that goes on this site about age gaps is pathetic.

Anyway op, it is far too soon in my eyes to bringing his boyfriend to the family Christmas day. Just tell him you have nothing against his boyfriend but another year would be better. It's for the kid's best interests after all.

I'd say that for any relationship. It has nothing to do with him being gay.

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 10:11

BeaRightThere · 03/12/2025 09:35

Even if you are correct, and it's a big if, of course his angle is the children and that should be OP's angle too. The fact is that the marriage ended and it doesn't really matter how. What matters is becoming a decent co-parenting unit. It's best for the children to have parents who can be civil and ideally even friendly.

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Was his angle in getting the OP pregnant twice to get that done so he had kids & then leave her and come out? How would you feel is someone did that to you or your daughter?

You can be civil and friendly as co parents without involving new partners.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2025 10:12

He is trying to use you and the DC as window dressing and/or so he doesn't feel as guilty
Nothing to do with him being gay (although I appreciate you may feel a bit decieved) but to bring the person he left you for to your family dinner is really crass

BeaRightThere · 03/12/2025 10:16

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 10:11

Was his angle in getting the OP pregnant twice to get that done so he had kids & then leave her and come out? How would you feel is someone did that to you or your daughter?

You can be civil and friendly as co parents without involving new partners.

Show quote history

We don't know that's what happened. It is very possible that he was attracted to the OP and loved her and wanted to marry her but eventually realised that this wasn't what he wanted. It's also possible that there are cultural issues at play. We don't know his side of things. None of this makes it fair on the OP and of course it is devastating. But painting him as an evil villain isn't helpful either.

I have no opinion on what the OP should do. I think it's perfectly fine for her to say no and in the circumstances when the breakup is still raw I probably would decline and suggest other options. But the best way forward regardless is to form a civil and ideally friendly relationship with her ex.

twinklystar23 · 03/12/2025 10:17

LemonDrizzleKay · 03/12/2025 00:04

Op had to deal with the discovery that her husband was gay and that he was sleeping with his lover during their relationship. She owes him nothing.

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He also went ahead into deceiving the OP AND bringing two innocent t lives into the world so has completely changed the trajectory of what the OP assumed. Yes, life does throw curve balls, but I would think there was a high probability that he was aware of his sexual orientation before even getting involved with OP.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/12/2025 10:17

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango2 · 02/12/2025 22:05

Some divorced people try and be amicable you know?

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Would you be happy for your ex to bring the OW who split up your marriage to Christmas dinner with the family ? Because this is the equivalent. It’s batshit and goes far beyond amicable. It’s taking the piss.

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/12/2025 10:18

OtterlyAstounding · 03/12/2025 00:14

Ewww, gross. He's young enough to be your husband's child.

Even putting aside everything else that means you should tell your ex to piss off with that request, I doubt his rebound relationship with a guy 16 years his junior is going to last, so there's really no point in introducing him into family occasions like Christmas. It'll only confuse your kids.

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This. The 24 year old is not going to be around long-term.

He's being utterly unreasonable and introducing his very young children so soon is really not on.

IsThisLifeNow · 03/12/2025 10:20

I am in your position but only 8 months in, my kids are slightly older but still very much young, only 7 and 3.

I wouldn't allow it, as people have suggested, it's too soon and too painful yet, suggest he goes home after presents and eats with his boyfriend.

It's so painful and I'm sorry you are in this position. You aren't homophobic to not want his new partner with you on Christmas day, I got told I'm homophobic and ended up deleting the whole support thread I started after it got jumped on by people telling me so. I have many gay, lesbian, nonbinary and sone trans friends too, I was distressed because my husband had been cheating and lying for 10 years, not because he was gay.

nomas · 03/12/2025 10:23

Isayitasitis · 03/12/2025 10:11

Age gaps are not illegal and many people have them.

As long as above 20, don't have any right to judge. 🙄

The pearl clutching that goes on this site about age gaps is pathetic.

Anyway op, it is far too soon in my eyes to bringing his boyfriend to the family Christmas day. Just tell him you have nothing against his boyfriend but another year would be better. It's for the kid's best interests after all.

I'd say that for any relationship. It has nothing to do with him being gay.

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I repeat. Eww.

the7Vabo · 03/12/2025 10:24

BeaRightThere · 03/12/2025 10:16

We don't know that's what happened. It is very possible that he was attracted to the OP and loved her and wanted to marry her but eventually realised that this wasn't what he wanted. It's also possible that there are cultural issues at play. We don't know his side of things. None of this makes it fair on the OP and of course it is devastating. But painting him as an evil villain isn't helpful either.

I have no opinion on what the OP should do. I think it's perfectly fine for her to say no and in the circumstances when the breakup is still raw I probably would decline and suggest other options. But the best way forward regardless is to form a civil and ideally friendly relationship with her ex.

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No we don’t but it’s most certainly possible. The man is 40 years old, it’s not that likely he didn’t have any idea he was gay before mid life. And the Op hasn’t mentioned cultural issues. I’m not painting him as an “evil villain” I’m being realistic.

My husband not only leaving me when I had a baby & a toddler & then wanting to play happy families with a 24 man would be an utter nightmare.

What kind of man leaves a woman with a baby & a toddler for any reason.

Again, you can have a civil relationship without involving partners at all. There is also a difference between being civil and being walked over.

Thevilsdavocate · 03/12/2025 10:24

I'm certain nearly 100% have said no, and I am going to join them.

Even if the new boyfriend was Jamie Foxx or some other incredibly sexy funny charismatic crooning man and would bring everyone expensive presents and take me to the Oscars next year, I'd say no.

I really hope they have a great Christmas together, this is your chance to have your first separate one, and it'll be GREAT!

Sassylovesbooks · 03/12/2025 10:26

The fact your ex wants to bring a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend is immaterial. You wouldn't be happy if he wanted to bring his new girlfriend, so why would you be happy for him to bring a boyfriend??! I'm amazed that your ex had the balls to ask to be honest, because it's so insensitive and inappropriate. Of course you're not going to want to sit and play 'happy families' with your ex and his boyfriend!! You're only having your ex for the children's sake, otherwise you wouldn't want him either!! I wouldn't tell your ex that the arrangements you agreed still stand, but you aren't comfortable with him bringing his boyfriend (and no, it's not because he's a man, you'd be equally uncomfortable if he were a woman!). After this Christmas, you need to tell him that Christmas going forward will need to be separate.