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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

473 replies

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:00

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 03/12/2025 08:01

Christmasissue25 · 02/12/2025 22:44

Just to clarify on a few points:

-Our children aren’t adults, they are 3 and 4.
-Ex didn’t cheat (to my knowledge(
-No signs he was gay during marriage, and he claims (well claimed in the aftermath) to still be physically attracted to women and is bisexual, but doesn’t ever want to be in a relationship with one again.

You know he DID cheat, right?

MyDeftDuck · 03/12/2025 08:03

Absolutely NO! The bf will only on his own for a few hours, it won’t kill him! Him being with your family would confuse the children……they need time to adapt to dad not being there and it’s way too soon to understand that dad has a bf………and I’m not discriminating in any way whatsoever in that comment so please, no one jump on me for being homophobic!
The important people in this scenario are the children.

Lebkuched · 03/12/2025 08:04

That would be a guilt-free “No” from me!

”No that won’t work for me.”

The word “sorry” would definitely not appear anywhere in the message.

I wouldn’t my ex’s new partner sitting down to a meal in MY home, that I’d slaved over to cook, disrupting my Christmas with my beautiful children. Especially if my ex had spent his whole adult life being bi/straight; suckered me into falling in love and having kids with him and then “changed his mind” about his sexuality. What an arsehole.

Im just imagining it… if they got affectionate… no one wants to see their ex being happy with new partner, especially one who’s 15 years younger. Gross.

Crazybigtoe · 03/12/2025 08:08

Don't let exh guilt trip you into thinking this is ok. It is not ok and once you get a bit of distance you'll realise he should never had asked in the first place.

Zanatdy · 03/12/2025 08:08

Ask him how he feels if you bring your new boyfriend to Christmas lunch. Say no, he doesn’t need to stay all day at yours, let him watch present opening then go off and see his bf.

Raindancer411 · 03/12/2025 08:13

i accidentally clicked the wrong vote but yes, I don’t think you are being unreasonable to want him there. I would have a word with your ex and explain it makes you uncomfortable and that isn’t fair in your own home at Xmas.

if you split Xmases, how would that work in for eyes?

Cycleaway · 03/12/2025 08:13

the coming out part of this story is a bit of a red herring. He decided to end the marriage. I think if you don’t feel like you want to spend Christmas playing happy families with your ex, it’s fine. I think you can safely say that on reflection, expecting you to spend Christmas with HIM feels like a lot at the moment, so maybe it would be better for him to do something with the kids on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day instead. Even if this means changing your plans somewhat. I it’s fair to do this, and you can do this safe in the knowledge that he can enjoy the day with a new partner.

Cailin66 · 03/12/2025 08:17

There is no way a man got to age 35 and didn’t know he was gay. He used the OP to have children. He’s presumably been cheating the entire time they have been together. Now she’s been played like a fiddle, gaslighting her that he is bisexual while telling her he’ll never be with a woman again, gaslighting her about happy families when his angle is the children. OP needs to wake up to what’s he’s at.

Epidote · 03/12/2025 08:21

Depending on you and how do you feel about the full thing.
I would say no, and I would stop entertaining them just because they are a gay couple. I also have a life, some needs, some feelings and kids to raise.
I can't blame them but I can stop entertaining them.

Btowngirl · 03/12/2025 08:31

I personally would want to co parent and see any potential partners interacting with my kids so I would say yes as long as we had the morning/presents etc. I respect that if it’s too soon that’s completely fair too tho or if you just don’t want to co parent like that. I guess it depends on how you see long term Co parenting, if it’s a ‘no’ forever or just a ‘not this time’ sort of thing but only you can decide that.

SidekickSylvia · 03/12/2025 08:32

I can't believe he had the nerve to ask, or that the boyfriend would agree. Imagine being 24 and your 40 year old partner asks you to come to his marital home, that he only left 5 minutes ago, to eat a Christmas dinner with his wife and young children. It says a lot about both of them, and their utter disrespect for you, that either of them would even consider it.

Kibble19 · 03/12/2025 08:34

Terrytheweasel · 03/12/2025 07:41

I realise it’s not normal but I’m not a conventional person anyway, It all depends how hurt op is still by it all. If I’d moved on mentally, I’d just prefer to keep things friendly, My ex’s new partner is welcome to ours at Christmas, and it wouldn’t make a difference if it was a man or woman. He was awful to me but he’s still in my children’s lives so I include him (and her) for their sakes and I can get along with most people for a few hours.
If that person is now in my children’s lives, I want to know them. I appreciate I’m in the minority on this one though.

Show quote history

That’s fair enough, and I’d add that I think you’re achieving a level of grace that many couldn’t in welcoming your ex’s new partner into your home like that.

How long have you been separated from your ex? Maybe with the passage of time, it’s easier than when it’s still quite fresh.

caramac04 · 03/12/2025 08:36

Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman · 02/12/2025 22:06

It’s absolutely not unreasonable to say no. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to suggest you just do separate Christmases this year instead either.

This. He’s moving the goalposts.

Dontbeme · 03/12/2025 08:38

So your ex husband only moved out this summer and has already introduced your DC to his boyfriend? And now wants you to cook them both Christmas dinner?

I don't believe he didn't know he had an interest in men, I don't believe he only recently started dating this guy, I don't believe that this guys Christmas plans fell through and I don't believe your ex was faithful during your marriage either.

Lastly I don't believe you have even begun to process what your ex has done OP, as anyone that had even started to understand the magnitude of betrayal would be apoplectic with rage at the cheeky fuckery of even being asked to do this. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, please take care of what you need right now.

Dliplop · 03/12/2025 08:46

I put YANBU, because you aren’t ready and you are still being kind to ex husband including him. I also think your ex is totally fine to ask. It’s not nice for anyone to be alone at Christmas, and I’m a family that invites anyone/everyone who might need a seat. But NOT exes because we need to protect our hearts.

You sound like a lovely person which is why you feel conflicted. I’d let your ex know that you understand why he asked but you just can’t/ does he want to adjust his dinner plans? The kids will probably be okay with him missing lunch and that’s also a good transition to next year doing separate.

StewkeyBlue · 03/12/2025 08:54

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

No, it would not be wrong.

You and ex came to the arrangement for the sake of the children.

The inclusion of his new partner adds nothing to that benefit, and you have 100% right to not make yourself any more uncomfortable for any other reason.

He asked a question, which means you can answer.

Pusstachio · 03/12/2025 08:57

No. The first three years after divorce are tricky for blended families as most people are still finding their level and working out what normal looks like for Christmas/birthdays. Maybe in a few more years this will be a lovely tradition, but right now it’s way too soon.

You sound lovely and I really feel for you. This happened to a friend (there was infidelity in this case) and so many people were publicly praising her ex and his new partner and saying how brave he was etc etc, she found it really hard as she felt any criticism of him leaving her for a younger partner in this context would look homophobic.

Reevester · 03/12/2025 08:57

You sound like a reasonable person, I would say it is too soon, however if you were to get to know his new partner and it progresses into a long term relationship, next year could be different. I understand why he’s asked but I would set boundaries. I’m sure he will understand as it was not the original plan.

sickleaveornot · 03/12/2025 08:58

Absolutely not - I would tell him to not from Christmas himself tbh and then next year you can discuss some form of splitting Christmas or alternating. He shouldn't even be coming to yours for Christmas

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 03/12/2025 08:59

"Hi Chaz,

That's a shame, in that case I think it's best you spend Christmas Day with Dave so he has some company and you can have the kids on Boxing Day this year. We should probably formalise arrangments for holidays and key dates going forward (birthdays, mothers and fathers day etc)."

Separately WTAF?
A 3 and 4 yr old and he is middle aged and shagging a 24 yr old.
You one resillient and strong woman.
If you can get therapy do - he has betrayed and deceived you HORRIBLY.
If this was with another woman it would still be grossly inappropriate predatory and grim.

Let him tantrum if he wants you need to start centring your decision around what is best for you and the children (particularly the children)

Terrytheweasel · 03/12/2025 09:04

Kibble19 · 03/12/2025 08:34

That’s fair enough, and I’d add that I think you’re achieving a level of grace that many couldn’t in welcoming your ex’s new partner into your home like that.

How long have you been separated from your ex? Maybe with the passage of time, it’s easier than when it’s still quite fresh.

Show quote history

7 years but he was abusive and he repeatedly tried to rekindle things for a few years (whilst dating other women). I have no feelings towards him apart from disappointment in who he is as a human, so perhaps it’s easier for me to disconnect. I feel sorry for his new partner more than anything.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 03/12/2025 09:18

JudgeBread · 02/12/2025 22:06

Absolutely fucking not.

This. Absolutely YANBU. I'd suggest ex leave after the presents opening and he can have lunch at home with his boyfriend. Your ex knows you're not comfortable with this and he's a dick for even suggesting it.

shhblackbag · 03/12/2025 09:18

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango2 · 02/12/2025 22:05

Some divorced people try and be amicable you know?

Show quote history

There's amicable, and then there's allowing yourself to be walked over. Say no, OP.

rainbowstardrops · 03/12/2025 09:19

You said yourself that last year was hard but he’s moved out now, so things have to change. I’d probably suggest he comes for the present opening and then he leaves and if it’s practical, he can have them for a bit on Boxing Day.
He’s being very unfair to put this on you with regards to the shiny new boyfriend.

BunnyLake · 03/12/2025 09:31

No I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t if it was his girlfriend either. The fact it’s another man is neither here nor there if he argues that.

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