To quit my job and lose a ton of money/salary?

[SparklyLimeHair]

Last year I unexpectedly became a kinship foster cater to 3 of my neices/nephews. I don’t have a DH or partner, I’m single. I also work as a global head of department in a large global company. I’ve tried to keep on working full time (4 days a week) whilst also being a kinship foster carer but it’s just not sustainable because of the amount of meetings with social services and appointments for the children and the foster training. I feel like I’m going to have quit my job and just somehow survive on the money from fostering. I love my job and don’t want to quit but I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. Would I be unreasonable to quit my job and become a full time foster carer? I’d lose a ton of money/salary from my job though and we would just have to try and survive on the money from fostering somehow.

I would go off on sick leave/stress leave for a while to sort yourself out @SparklyLimeHair is that an option?

I guess it’s an option yes but then I’ll still have the same problems when I eventually go back to my job so it’s not a solution long term unfortunately.

I am senior manager in social work - appalling that the social work department and not being flexible and supportive - we would try as hard as possible to hold meetings on your day off or at the beginning or end of the day.

Placing a child with family is very different to someone making a decision to become a foster carer on a planned basis. You should not be forced in to poverty now, or when retired, to care for your nieces and nephews.

Of course agreeing to caring for them will mean making huge adjustments to your life and of course you recognise that you can’t maintain your current role and care for three children who have experienced trauma. But until you’ve been able to look for a job that’s more suited to your new unexpected life, they should do what they can to help.

Yeah that may be true but it would give you time to focus on what changes can be made, coming up with any and every solution possible and doing it without having work to think of at the same time. Something might just click in that time. Insight might change in some way shape or form. Be kind to yourself, don’t give up the job too hastily. Just allow yourself to be home and focus on the dc and what’s required and you never know what might change/happen. I have no experience with these things but one step at a time is the best approach to most things imo. You may have to give up but at least you can say that you tried everything. Take sick leave/stress leave for now. Thats what it is for.

You sound scared that if you assert yourself they'll take the children. They won't. You having them saves social care trying to find a FC placement for 3 children, which is a very difficult task, and a FC from an agency would cost more then you get from social care in fostering allowance. I know it feels like a risk but actually they need you more than you need them, if you disrupt the placement (I know you won't but SWs don't have to know that!) they'll have a massive expensive headache they don't want.

I urge you to realise that you hold more cards here - I'm an adopter and we had a much longer court journey to final adoption orders being made than usual, partly due to the placing authorities incompetence. During that time my DC knew me as mum and this as their home, but they were legally still LAC and social care had parental responsibility for them, I didn't. The SW would ring me asking if she could visit, as LAC have to be visited, and I'd say no fuck off, it's your fault they're still LAC and you visiting unsettles them and pisses me off. I was so angry they'd got us into this limbo. The SW used to plead to be allowed to drive past us at the park! They didn't try to force me, though they could have, they legally were the DCs parent, but because even though never in a million years would I have disrupted, they were too scared of even the slight chance that I could and then they'd be stuck trying to place older DC with birth family trauma and adoption disruption trauma.

Now I'm not suggesting you tell a SW to fuck off, but try to see that social services need you. Any SW who causes you to disrupt is going to be very unpopular with their boss

I don’t disagree but part of the initial assessment should have looked at how three children would fit into the OPs life and planning should have included how meetings etc would be arranged. It’s a failure on the social workers part that the OP has been left to juggle things for a year.

All too often kinship carers are keen to see the children cared for that they’ll consider they can just manage, with no idea what they’ve actually signed up for. There needed to be an open, honest conversation about the needs of the children bedded in the social workers understanding of trauma and the known and potential needs of the children, including the strong likelihood that, unless her employer was super flexible, the OP wouldn’t be able to sustain working at her current level. Financial arrangements should have been sufficient to allow the OP to step back from work.

As it stands now there will be limited capacity to organise all meetings and appointments on one day of the week - LAC reviews, meetings with school, health appointments. That needed to be part of the discussion from the outset ie that she would need more flexibility than her job allows.

Quick placements often result in piss poor planning on the part of social work, and the OP is left carrying the can.

OP you are an amazing woman. What you are doing for those children is incredible. I note you work 4 days a week - is there any flexibility within this - for example if you work Mon-Thurs but have a SS meeting on the Tuesday, can you swap your day off that week? It's not ideal but may be helpful. And I second the idea to outsource cleaning, washing, gardening etc - that way you can even catch up with work in an evening if you need to. Good luck. Not anything like your situation but I ended up leaving the NHS due to their lack of flexibility when my daughter was severely unwell with her mental health.

They won’t do this with the meetings unfortunately, I suggested it to them back when the children very first came to me and they said it wasn’t possible to always do meetings on my day off or at the start or end of the day. So I’ve just had to accept that the meetings will be wherever they are and I’ll have to attend them. I’m not sure what else I can do. The other problem I also have is the training, that’s very often on my working days. I do attend the training even if it’s on my working days but it’s causing a lot of problems with my job. This is why I feel like I’m going to end up quitting my job, I know I keep repeating it but really don’t see what other option I have left at this point other than to quit my job and become a full time foster carer.

I can’t just refuse all meetings and SW visits though?

My employer won’t let me swap my day off either. It would help if they did but they won’t let me, I’ve asked them multiple times over the past year.

Also, I do wonder if I would actually be a better foster carer to the children too if I was to quit my job? Part of me feels like it may actually help me be less stressed and therefore a better foster carer to the children.

But I really just don’t see what option I have left besides quitting my job, it’s just not sustainable to keep my job and also keep fostering the children.

This is ridiculous. As an employer you do what you can. This costs them nothing but would mean the difference between you being able to manage work and your caring responsibilities and not. Can you submit a formal request in writing? And ask for actual reasons (also in writing) why this isn't possible? These are reasonable adjustments which as an employer they should be willing to make.

But it won’t be forever op.

What do you think would happen if you said you would only accept invitations to meetings or visits when you can fit them in due to having to work to support the children?

You seem to be asking for collective agreement that you have to quit. It might seem that way but long term it seems unlikely that is the best option

SS absolutely need to understand that if you have to quit your job there is enormously less income available with which to raise these children. It’s in their best interests for you to be able to continue!

it’s also a real shame that your employer is so inflexible. I def would consider signing off sick for now so that you have some time to breathe and think things through at least. And/or others have mentioned parental leave. Are you eligible for this as a foster parent?

either way you’ve been dealt some really tough cards here and you’re doing a sterling job. Your DN&N are extremely lucky that you’re stepping in to look after them. It sounds like an incredibly hard thing to do. Of course you want to put them first and it’s ridiculous that it has come to this.

I agree that it’s ridiculous but my employer won’t budge on it. I’ve made a formal request previously and my employer declined it unfortunately.

I want to keep on fostering the children though, I don’t want them to go to someone else.

I worry they would remove the children. They haven’t said they would remove them but I worry they would.

I’ve raised this with my employer before and they won’t budge on not approving anything that I’ve suggested that would make things easier. And it’s hard with social services because I do understand that it’s not possible to always do meetings on my day off and it’s definitely not possible to choose what days the training is on. I really just don’t see what else I can do, something has to give and I think that will mean quitting my job so I can continue fostering.

I would say that the majority of meetings and appointments for the children and fostering training are on my working days but there’s nothing I can do about that, I just have to accept it and make sure I attend the meetings and attend the training and take the children to their appointments too.

Thinking long-term, is adoption in the future? Because if you can adopt them, surely that means you won't have to go through all of these meetings anymore, once it has been legally put in place.

I agree with everyone else on the thread that you shouldn't have to quit your job, and the SW who keeps telling you "most foster carers don't work", sounds like a waste of space. SS just want what is most convenient for them, they don't care that you'll be left financially struggling and without an adequate pension in old age.

It's just shitty that your employer is so inflexible. How easy would it be to get your job with a different employer? So perhaps take a year off, then look to get the same role with another company once the meetings have reduced.

It sounds like you're going to quit your job regardless, but I'd urge you to see it as a temporary career break only, don't leave it too long before getting back into your career.

Speak to ACAS. I'm sure your employers have to be reasonable and they really aren't being. What rationale have they given you for not allowing you to swap your days or even letting you catch up on work in the evenings if needed?

Social services will NOT want to remove the children from you. You are doing an amazing thing and they are aware that you are the best person to have them. So they too need to be more flexible with when you are able to make meetings. Good luck OP.

It will be different once you return after sick leave as the frequency of meetings may be less and kids will be more sorted and maybe then a nanny will be a possibility. You should not be disadvantaged due to being a carer. I would also try and explore getting adoption leave. Maybe ask ACAS advise then perhaps an employment lawyer. As a global head I would have expected you to have some flexibility though? Maybe it’s not the right company for you?

Next week there are 2 days that I can’t work due to fostering training, and these 2 days are both days that I should be working. But there’s nothing that I can do about that other than attend the training.

And then on another day (another day that I should be working) next week I also need to do a meeting with SS. And then I also need to take one of the children to a medical appointment too in the middle of my working day.

I understand why my employer is not happy but they are not willing to be flexible at all and that’s why I feel I have no option but to quit my job.