Husband going to basketball till 10:30pm - We have newborn

[Tetchy321]

My husband wants to go to basketball from 9pm and will get back at 10:30pm. We have a 9 week old baby who fusses and the time he wants to be out is the hardest time for me. It’s around this time that I’m exhausted and wondering how I’ll get through the night as I would have been with the baby all day while he works. I’m also working and stylising during the day aswell as trying to manage housework. He has no idea that bedtime is the hardest time for me and he wants to go out and come home at 10:30pm at the earliest?! We have a dog that will bark which will likely wake me and the baby. He doesn’t usually play this late and I didn’t realise he would be back so late until he told me this eve. I was livid with him and called him selfish. AIBU for saying that he can’t go as it will wake us up and it’s too late?

You are being unreasonable in theory but you’re not being unreasonable for being unreasonable. (Does that make sense?)

You have a nine week old baby. You’re exhausted. You both need to sit down and talk. Explain to him how you’re feeling. You need to communicate.

Frustration builds up. You’ve both had a massive change to your life.

Does he help you in other ways? Is he a good father? Is he supportive enough? Does he pull his weight?

This is what matters. And what you need to discuss with him if any of these are ‘no.’

and of course, you should get your own baby free evening as well.

It’s not always exhausting with a baby! Most people manage it and snatch sleep during the day. Why do we keep saying being a new mum is awful? It’s not. It’s an adjustment and babies who won’t sleep into their second year are far more difficult to manage. At 9 weeks it’s not that bad for 90 minutes!

Did having 2 parents there stop the screaming then? What did you need extra hands for?

That's not 'illness, disability, etc' though, it's just a baby that doesn't sleep.

I'm fortunate, I did manage to get all mine sleeping through (mostly) before that, but I am very aware it is down to luck.

I have 1 dc who just never bothered with tantrums at all. If that had been my firstborn, or an only, I'd be patting myself on the back about my excellent parenting, but, in truth, dc1 had massive tantrums for years, it was dc2 that didn't bother.
Ditto eating - dc1 ate everything. Always did from when first weaned and still does as an adult. dc2 comes along, fussy as fussy can be. dc3 - eats everything.

Yes, parenting influences our dc, and extremes of parenting influences them greatly, but you are deluded if you think everything they are good at / do well at is down to your parenting and nothing to do with who they are as individuals.

You say 'be rude' I'd say standing up for the people that poster was looking down their nose at.

It really doesn't help people whose dc don't ..... {insert sleep, eat, talk or whatever you want to boast about} when other parents decree that "babies do X at 4 months / 6 months / 10 months" when clearly all babies don't. They are individuals, and new Mums should be told that more often.

People declaring that babies sleep from 7pm a X age, as if it were a fact, when clearly many (most?) don't, helps no-one.

the poster could have said "I was lucky, 2 of mine reached a stage when they were asleep by 7 at X months - just keep repeating 'It's a phase' - and that might have been more helpful.

honestly, young babies are SHRILL!! If my baby screamed for hours on end, damn right I'd want a second pair of hands so his ears could listen to it whilst he held the baby giving me hands and ears a rest! and then vice versa. are you really suggesting op should have endured it for hours on end alone because her partner might have wanted to go and play ball with his mates?

Its not hours on end. Its 90 minutes.

You can put the baby down you know. If they are screaming anyway it makes not a jot of difference putting them safely in the cot for 5 mins to take a breather

And if ge DH was holding a screaming baby then she could still hear it

I think it's OK to ask that things like this are paused for the first 12 weeks or so. It can be a really intense period, especially if you have a tricky baby. YANBU.

solidarity OP, I'm currently willing my 6 weeker to sleep without success.

she answered the question of is it every night to the complaint of him going out late at night. however she ALSO said he doesn't NORMALLY go out SO LATE meaning he goes out earlier. and that he doesn't know how hard bedtime is and that by then she's been with the baby all day on her own. can you really not tell from that that he goes out on other nights but earlier?

It’s only one night . You are unreasonable.

Okay, so you think it's its wimpy. That's not how I view it personally.

He would in large part stop screaming if he was rocked, walking up and down the stairs, walking outside while being held, and singing at the same time. Every night, from 6pm - midnight. He'd crash for 20 minutes sometimes. DH and I could swap. And also I just needed to be able to leave the room away from the screaming for 10 minutes.

I understood there and then why people shake babies.

The odd times my DH had to do a late evening at work, my back would be breaking and my mind was going by the time he was home.

If you didn't have a colicky baby maybe you can't relate but you should at least try.

So pop them in their cot for 10 minutes. Go and make a cuppa

Good advice given by both my mum and my HV when DD1 was born.

Jesus Christ, OP, you sound utterly controlling. Give your husband some breathing room.
You must be exhausting to live with. I’m amazed he hasn’t run for the hills already.

Or DH can just not do his hobby? Or do we just need to do everything we possibly can to facilitate men to live their lives as if they don't have a baby and shoulder everything ourselves?

10 minutes of listening to your newborn scream through the door doesn't make up for the other 6 hours of holding them and rocking them.

Thank fuck I have a DH that cares about me.

Its an hour and a half!!!!. Let him look after the baby the next night for an hour and a half while she goes our and gets a break

It's ok for a mother or a father to go out sometimes and do something they enjoy.
Lots of early parenting involves a bit of tag-teaming where one parent watches the baby while the other has a bit of time out. You don't have to both be present all the time to care about each other.

The only time it's an issue is if one parent (usually Dad) is getting all the time off and mum is doing all the baby stuff. This is not what has been described here (although of course it could be the case)

the other time it's a problem is if one parent is doing the lions share and isn't coping, for whatever reason. yes both parents need time out, but this is a man who "doesn't usually play this late" so does go out and play typically, who works long hours / is out long hours as "by bed time I've been with the baby all day" and who isn't checking in enough because "he doesn't know how hard bedtimes are". I don't care how well you coped single handedly doing everything, THIS person is struggling and the only person who needs to pull up their big girl pants and do now5 is HIM

Fully agree with this. Where does this notion come from that it’s acceptable to be out of the house for 10 hours for work and then another 2 hours in the evening for hobbies? Even if it’s a ‘one off’, the baby is only 9 weeks old and it’s already happening. OP shouldn’t have to explain to a fully grown man that supporting his DW and newborn should take priority over feking basketball.

Just tonight, for goodness sakes let him go! My DH never came home from WiFi before 8pm so I did the baby/baby and toddler routine every single night. Mine did go down well. Second was a bit fussier but honestly I would not begrudge one night out. Get that baby on a routine. Perseverance is key.

im sorry your husband was absent for so much of their early years. whilst I'm sure you coped fine, it's always nice to aim for a better balance for both the parents and the kids.

and a 9 week old doesn't need a routine. she needs her needs met as they arise.

Oh give it time, baby is only 9 weeks old...

Luckily I didn't have to cope singlehandedly doing everything, I'm not sure why you think I did.