Husband going to basketball till 10:30pm - We have newborn

[Tetchy321]

My husband wants to go to basketball from 9pm and will get back at 10:30pm. We have a 9 week old baby who fusses and the time he wants to be out is the hardest time for me. It’s around this time that I’m exhausted and wondering how I’ll get through the night as I would have been with the baby all day while he works. I’m also working and stylising during the day aswell as trying to manage housework. He has no idea that bedtime is the hardest time for me and he wants to go out and come home at 10:30pm at the earliest?! We have a dog that will bark which will likely wake me and the baby. He doesn’t usually play this late and I didn’t realise he would be back so late until he told me this eve. I was livid with him and called him selfish. AIBU for saying that he can’t go as it will wake us up and it’s too late?

We have a dog that will bark which will likely wake me and the baby.

This is what makes me feel that he’s unreasonable. Either he takes the dog or he stays in to help with his 9 week old baby. Leaving you with the newborn at the time you find most challenging and then waking you both up when he returns would indeed be selfish.

No she shouldn't be working. That's what maternity leave is for. And her partner is entitled to take an hour and a half break after 9 weeks without one. So is the mother though. She needs to talk to her partner and arrange a time for him to give her a break. From the sounds of it she's not communicating with him about what her actual issues are. They need to have a conversation.

No patriarchy required!

Come on it's one night, for 90mins. How would you feel if he said you couldn't go out for 90mins? If you haven't then you should at the weekend take yourself for a coffee or something and leave the baby with him, you both need time to yourselves.

what stands out to me @Tetchy321is WHY doesn't he know that this is the hardest time for you? baby is 9 weeks old, has he done no bedtimes? paid no attention to you? this was the point I really struggled, I think the sleep deprived is really kicking in, the hormones are still all over the place. I used to sit in bed crying convinced they only cried cos they hated me. so I have every sympathy with your struggling. but it isn't about one night. it's abou5what has he done for the last two months? what will he do going forward? how often is he giving YOU. a break?

He shouldn't want to go, is the bigger issue I'm seeing here. He should be offering you his support and making that a priority. He can pick up his hobbies again in a few months' time, surely

Of course he can want to go. Having a baby doesn't mean you can't miss what you used to do. The first few months are shit. It's natural to think about what you're missing. For both parents.

He may not be able to do what he wants, but he's allowed to want a break for a couple of hours. As is the OP.

YABU.

No man will appreciate his wife trying to micromanage his life, especially if he pulls his weight in other respects.

Babies go through phases that parents have just got to power through, I’m afraid. That’s not your husband’s fault.

It’s exercise and adult bonding. Of course he should want to go. OP should want to go to something too. It is essential for their physical and mental health to not be trapped at home every waking hour for OP or every hour not working for her DH.

90 minutes. 90 MINUTES!!!
It's hardly a year is it?

Yes, if he takes the dog!

It's not a big deal, I don't think he's being selfish at all. It's 90 mins and 10.30 isn't exactly late. Obviously it's already happened now, but another time he can spend time with the baby before he goes and help with bedtime routine.

Don't know about the pp but I certainly did. I would feed the baby and then go to the gym, go for a walk or run, meet a friend for a catch up even went to the cinema with friends couple of times when babies were between 2 and 5 months old. I don't know anyone in my friend group or family that put their lives on hold. I would often only decide once my husband arrived home. It was never a problem.

YANBU

You have a 9 week old baby - your DH should be doing the housework.

Sounds like you have way too much on your plate and DH is carrying on with his childless life oblivious. You two need a sit down together to talk about this and get it sorted. How he conducts himself during this talk and his actions thereafter will be very telling, one way or another. Hopefully, he steps up.

I think I'd have sucked it up for 90mins. It's not worth writing home about.

Whereas I agree the OP and her dh need to talk, this

and DH is carrying on with his childless life oblivious is clearly not happening.
The OP said this is a one off.

When you have a baby, it is tiring and unpredictable so honestly 90 mins on one evening won’t make much of a difference? I thought your post was your DH going to basketball every week or so but a one off - YABU

To add, it has probably taken you the same time to post on here and read the replies that will flood in

I’m going to go against the grain and say YANBU.
He can play basketball any time he wants in the future but in these early weeks where you feel like you’re drowning in sleep deprivation, he should be giving you any opportunities for rest and support that he can.

Sounds like something to be concerned about, who plays basketball that late in the night. I used to play basketball alot, at school and in my spare time. It was usually around 12pm to 2pm in the afternoon. I would go with him to one his games, to see what is happening.

Behave yourself.

YANBU.

Yeah men need a chaperone to check up on them

🤣🤣🤣

I’d say don’t be a martyr, whether you’re a man or woman, you don’t need to put your life on hold to be a good parent. When my baby was 8 weeks old I went out with friends one evening for a couple of hours, and since he’s 3 months old I’m doing a weekly sport in the evening.