Husband going to basketball till 10:30pm - We have newborn

[Tetchy321]

My husband wants to go to basketball from 9pm and will get back at 10:30pm. We have a 9 week old baby who fusses and the time he wants to be out is the hardest time for me. It’s around this time that I’m exhausted and wondering how I’ll get through the night as I would have been with the baby all day while he works. I’m also working and stylising during the day aswell as trying to manage housework. He has no idea that bedtime is the hardest time for me and he wants to go out and come home at 10:30pm at the earliest?! We have a dog that will bark which will likely wake me and the baby. He doesn’t usually play this late and I didn’t realise he would be back so late until he told me this eve. I was livid with him and called him selfish. AIBU for saying that he can’t go as it will wake us up and it’s too late?

But OP says evenings are the hardest. They were the same for me. Baby 1) cluster fed and 2) SCREAMED for hours when not on the boob or being rocked. DH and I took turns walking him, rocking him etc all evening. Many mums, by no means all, in my baby groups had the exact same experience. Most mums know this is the case for many newborns, surely?

Why are we choosing not to believe her when she says how hard the evenings are and instead apply your experience and tell her baby is easy and fine? Mine was just not fine. If my DH turned around and said I'm going out for a totally selfish outing at 9.30 pm at that age, it would have broken me.

You think I'm weak and selfish. I think a father has responsibilities and if their newborn is difficult in the evenings, he needs to be there.

well that's the question isn't it, but I suspect the "omg it's one night, suck it up! brigade has scared op off from answering

exactly.

I can't believe there's a new Mom who is clearly struggling, she has long days alone with baby (by 9 she wondering how to get through the night as she's been with baby all day), who's husband doesn't even realise how hard bed times are (because he isnt involved?) and who's hisbamd clearly gets plenty of down time (he doesn't normally go out to play THIS late) and people are telling her that babies are easy if only you're a better / stronger / let controlling person. "Woman up". "stop being precious". "poor men needs his freedom". "why don't you want / feel able to leave babu for a few hours every day, I did it because I'm a better person"

she's been in the job less than 3 months! she needs his support and he hasn't got a bloody clue!

if you're still reading op I wouldn't even worry about bedtime at 9 weeks. baby should be in the same room as you / him until 6 months according to safe sleep guidelines. which meant for us the babies went down in moses baskets in the living room, lights low, telly low (we both need subtitles anyway lol) and there was no getting up and down to them. transfer to cot when your or DH are ready to go to bed. if you breastfeed then he does his share via nappies and burps. if you bottle feed, he does his share of feeds. you get time for a shower and a pee on peace whenever you need them cos he can cope. he bloody well will cope! when and if you want time out without baby, he obliges. you look after each other, not you looking after every one

She’s already said it’s one evening and not a regular thing

She is also choosing to study

Well DS was exclusively fed breast milk but i went out for my 40th birthday for dinner with friends in the evening and left him with DH when he was 5 weeks old. I went to a local restaurant so was gone about 2 hours but it was fine and DH managed. Yes he cried a bit for the 10 mins just before I got home and wasn't keen on the bottle of breast milk I had left with DH but nobody died and he was fine after I got home and he had fed.

However by 9-10 weeks DS was crying a lot more in the evening and during the night and I'd have been beside myself if DH had gone out betweeen 8pm and 11pm. Other times would have been fine but for about 2 months until he settled more I was absolutely exhausted and just needed those two hours to sleep, which I always did, regardless of if DS was crying. Otherwise I would have been delirious from lack of sleep . Those 2-3 hours were my sleep time and DH looked after DS, gave him a bottle of breast milk and looked after him while I slept until around 11pm when he went to bed and he put DS in with me.

My point is that we are all different and if the op is really struggling her DH should help. Sleep deprivation is not used as a torture technique for no reason

I think of you're struggling, he needs to for the time being stop the basketball, or have a discussion about what level of frequency you can handle (e.g. once a week, once a fortnight, once a month). Newborns are intense, it won't be like this forever, I think it's all hands on deck during this stage.

I‘m sorry but are we really handwringing over him going out for 90 mins once when this baby is 9 weeks old?

I get newborns are hard, I’ve had two of them, but it’s 90 minutes one time… Even if it was weekly, it’s 90 minutes.

If he’s not pulling his weight in other ways then tackle that for sure, but the question as asked is yes, YABU.

It’s good for life and exercise to continue. I routinely left my both of mine for an hour or two with their dad at this age to meet a friend or exercise or just sit in another room reading a book to have some time to myself. And yes, both breastfed before anyone jumps on that!

she said he "doesn't usually play this late" which suggests he does play, but earlier. the "just tonight" then indicates that whilst he usually plays earlier, tonight is a late one. further more, she mentions how by bed time she's been alone all day with the baby, indicating that the earlier time is likely between end of work and baby's bedtime. convenient for him. she mentions how she'll cope through the night, suggesting he's not very helpful over night.

it's quite clear to anyone who does more than speed read ",he wants to go out and I said no" that this is about more than some poor hard done to man wanting a few minutes time away from the drudgery of newborn life.

He needs to leave for 90 mins tonight and you can't cope? Sorry but that's ridiculous unless there is a big backstory here. What if you want to get your hair done or meet a friend for a walk? Will you be prepared to cancel if he is having a bad night? Baby is 9 weeks old not 9 days, restricting each other like this 9 weeks on is a recipe for disaster.

I did

@Blushingm and I meant to add, and he's choosing to put one evenings game over the wellbeing of his struggling wife. they chose to have a baby. why should she give up study to facilitate his late night ball games with his mates? where's his priority in spending time with his wife and kids?

Hilarious.

Sounds very much like one of those smug parents who has got lucky with one aspect of how their child is, and who therefore credit's it all to their parenting

Don't be ridiculous.

In the UK, a lot of schools hire their sports halls out in the evenings.
Obviously you can't play at lunchtime as the pupils are there, and, or course, most adults would be at work. The courts and pitches get hired for an hour's session. One group of people will come in 6 - 7, the next 7 - 8, the next 8 - 9 and the next 9 - 10. It's not unexpected that some teams will have their session in the 9 - 10 slot.

There are so many huge imaginations on MN.

Once babies are 4 months, they go to bed at 7pm. It's really only a very short time that they're newborns and hard work on an evening.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

That IS funny.

I've raised 3 dc until adulthood and have never had a child in bed at 7pm

There are some hilarious posts on here.

@SleepingStandingUp Perhaps if you read the OP's posts, you would see that at 18.39 yesterday, she answer the question specifically, say "just tonight".

you are making up your own narrative, and then trying to claim other people haven't read the thread properly.

I didn't get lucky, I sleep trained.

No, you were lucky that you were able to sleep train your DC.
Mine didn't sleep for 3 years until we started medication.

Yes I did. Because we are partners. I am always surprised that so many women have to ask permission.

@Tetchy321 YABU.

It's a couple of hours.

Get him to look after the baby from 6pm to 9pm whilst you have a sleep.

I had 3 boys who varied but 2 were. So I guess I could ha ha ha that your kids didn't. I really don't see the need for other people to be so rude about things like this.

@Pinkosand 9 weeks isn’t really newborn though. It’s 2 months in. There’s a learning curve and the op is climbing it. She is not at the start. Why a mum cannot cope for 90 mins is really the question. It does sound a bit wimpy. Baby cannot be unsettled at exactly the same time every night for 90 mins - between 9 and 10.30. If op is resentful of him getting a life, she should say so and work out what she needs for 90 mins escape. 90 mins is next to nothing.

And that's why I included the caveat *barring illness, disability etc in my original post.

No. You just got lucky.

Do you really think that the millions of us that are surviving on a few hours of broken sleeper night for years on end and doing it because we want to or something 😂

As I said up thread, I thought it was me being a good parent when my 6-week-old started mostly sleeping through the night! How smug was I, clearly other people weren't doing it right. I thought like you basically. Then the progression started, the sleep evaporated, and I ended up with metaphorical egg on my face.

Traditional sleep training my eldest couldn't have worked. I once popped into the next door room to get a cushion, was gone. 20 seconds no more, and she vomited from panic. Disappearing chair didn't work. Patting technique didn't work. We tried popping in every 5 minutes to reassure her, when she was older, it was still taking 2 hours and tears after more than a year!

But by all means, carry on thinking that it's your superior parenting if you want...

It's one night.
Organise time out for you even if it's a bubble bath and get him to do bedtime alone. Build a timetable to share the care

Okie doke.