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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband going to basketball till 10:30pm - We have newborn

174 replies

Tetchy321 · 02/12/2025 18:33

My husband wants to go to basketball from 9pm and will get back at 10:30pm. We have a 9 week old baby who fusses and the time he wants to be out is the hardest time for me. It’s around this time that I’m exhausted and wondering how I’ll get through the night as I would have been with the baby all day while he works. I’m also working and stylising during the day aswell as trying to manage housework. He has no idea that bedtime is the hardest time for me and he wants to go out and come home at 10:30pm at the earliest?! We have a dog that will bark which will likely wake me and the baby. He doesn’t usually play this late and I didn’t realise he would be back so late until he told me this eve. I was livid with him and called him selfish. AIBU for saying that he can’t go as it will wake us up and it’s too late?

OP posts:
mcmuffin22 · 03/12/2025 07:15

Babyboomtastic · 02/12/2025 19:55

Come on, that's a huge assumption. Lots of babies don't improve their sleep for years, many get worse and newborn is the high point.

I think he should go out because frankly, it's just one baby, and it's a short time, and because if he waits until it improves, child may be at school first for all we know. He shouldn't go out every night, but occasionally should be fine.

Show quote history

If you have a 2 year old with the sleep habits of a 9 week old you'd be quite concerned. I maintain that you can get all babies into a good sleep routine (barring disability, illness etc).

Holdonforsummer · 03/12/2025 07:21

If you’re looking after a newborn and trying to study, maybe you’re doing too much. Your husband is actually being clever making sure he gets a bit of me-time, it’s a marathon not a sprint. Make sure you get some me-time too.

Schoolchoicesucks · 03/12/2025 07:27

Sorry OP, it's not every night and crucially you said he doesn't know this is the worst time of day for you.

Working and studying while caring for a 9 week old is tough. The majority of mothers with a 9 week old will be on maternity leave and doing little more than looking after the baby. Is there any way you can delay your work and study until the baby is older, sleeps better and in a routine?

JustMe2026 · 03/12/2025 07:36

Way over reaction I had twins and did not stop or bother about my hubby going to his football once a week home around 11pm..

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/12/2025 07:39

Yabu.
There is never going to be a good time while the baby is tiny.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/12/2025 08:48

It’s important for both you to find time for exercise so I think YABU. Plus he gets to keep in touch with friends.

Swiftie1878 · 03/12/2025 08:50

Tetchy321 · 02/12/2025 18:39

Just tonight

You know YABU…

FoxLoxInSox · 03/12/2025 08:53

Confused. On one hand you describe life being pretty much back to normal (working / studying / housework) but in the next breath you say you’ve got a ‘newborn’ and DP shouldn’t leave the house for 90mins to play his sport.

Both things can’t be true at once. Are things back to normal study / work / housework / hobbies, or are you both locked down in newborn-ville?

OMGitsnotgood · 03/12/2025 08:59

You need to look after each other and your relationship as well as the baby. Denying him 90 minutes ‘off’ is likely to result in resentment. On the day he goes out, do no housework, leave your studies and work for a day, and get some rest to help you deal with the baby and give your husband a break. Then find a way of having a break yourself, leaving DH to deal with the baby.
Life does NOT have to go on hold by this stage, unless you let it.

millymollymoomoo · 03/12/2025 09:01

Ridiculous. It’s one night. One night every week is fine.

go out yourself one night too , go for a walk or run or anything to get out

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2025 09:05

FoxLoxInSox · 03/12/2025 08:53

Confused. On one hand you describe life being pretty much back to normal (working / studying / housework) but in the next breath you say you’ve got a ‘newborn’ and DP shouldn’t leave the house for 90mins to play his sport.

Both things can’t be true at once. Are things back to normal study / work / housework / hobbies, or are you both locked down in newborn-ville?

I'm not sure about the working but I was back to studying within 9 weeks of having twins. bloody ridiculous in hindsight but there you have it. and of course she's doing housework. she has a 9 week old baby and a husband out at work all day. she's not going to sit in mess all day waiting for the cleaning fairies

usedtobeaylis · 03/12/2025 09:11

I think it's fine for him to go to basketball unless you are really struggling, in which case his priority should be to support you. However it may be more helpful for you to have breaks as well so you struggle a bit less. Do you get breaks?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2025 09:13

JustMe2026 · 03/12/2025 07:36

Way over reaction I had twins and did not stop or bother about my hubby going to his football once a week home around 11pm..

goody for you but at 9 weeks pp with twins I was exhausted and crying into the dark that my twins didn't love me cos they wouldn't sleep.

plus most people seem to be missing two key points

  1. 9 weeks in and he has no idea she finds bedtimes difficult. presumably because he isn't helping or doing them or even just SEEING his partner.
  1. by bedtime she's struggling and has been with the baby all day. so 9 pm ISH and he's either been out all day or just generally doing stuff all with the baby.
  1. I realised a third. he doesn't usually play THIS LATE so how many nights exactly IS he put playing ball with his mates? I agree they BOTH need down time but it does seem his downtime means everything is on op and he's just busy
TheIceBear · 03/12/2025 09:24

It’s tough with your first baby but I think 90 minutes once a week of a break isn’t much to ask I would expect the same in return though.

Babyboomtastic · 03/12/2025 10:08

mcmuffin22 · 03/12/2025 07:15

If you have a 2 year old with the sleep habits of a 9 week old you'd be quite concerned. I maintain that you can get all babies into a good sleep routine (barring disability, illness etc).

Show quote history

No. It just means you got lucky and assume it's because of the good routines you had in place.

I assumed that it was my great parenting and routines that made my firstborn sleep pretty well as a newborn. She was sleeping 7-7 with a dream feed at 11pm and a feed at 5am, from 6w. We

The 4m regression and many years after showed up my smugness on this 😂.

Even Ockwell Smith (who I can't stand for the most part), pinpoints 8-10m as the period of worst sleep for a baby in their first 18m. Not newborn.

The point being all babies are different, and it's impossible to predict when and if things are going to improve. A lot of women take on all of the work initially thinking it's only a short period, hey presto, it's 3 years later child still isn't sleeping through and mum's doing it all because the child won't accept dad and because 'she's used to it now so she may as well'. If you accept from the outset that it may be disrupted sleep for the long haul, strategies can be put in place from the beginning to make sure there is an equitable division of labour and rest. Then if baby start sleeping well (and more crucially continues sleeping well!) that's a nice bonus.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2025 10:17

TheIceBear · 03/12/2025 09:24

It’s tough with your first baby but I think 90 minutes once a week of a break isn’t much to ask I would expect the same in return though.

he doesn't normally play this late. Ops words. So he's not getting one 90 minute break in his poor hard life. He's out often but not normally this late. Hence why he doesn't know op struggles with bedtimes

user2848502016 · 03/12/2025 10:24

One night a week? YABU on the face of it
Does he help when he is at home? Will he make dinner etc before he goes?
Why are you doing all the housework when you have a newborn and are working?
Maybe you could go out another night while he has the baby, or at least have a long bath and early night while he does bedtime.

If he never helps with bedtime/housework then you have a bigger problem than one late night

TheIceBear · 03/12/2025 11:17

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2025 10:17

he doesn't normally play this late. Ops words. So he's not getting one 90 minute break in his poor hard life. He's out often but not normally this late. Hence why he doesn't know op struggles with bedtimes

Show quote history

why doesn’t he know about the struggles with bedtimes ?

Peonies12 · 03/12/2025 11:22

YABU - 90 mins as a one off or even once a week, I really can't see any issue.

Peonies12 · 03/12/2025 11:23

And why does he not know bedtime is hard? Sounds like a bigger issue around his contribution to child care and household tasks.

Tammygirl12 · 03/12/2025 11:28

You are being unreasonable and controlling.
You should be able to look after a baby in an evening without your husband.

i do 3 kids (and one was a newborn until recently) to bed solo most nights. I think you need to woman up a bit and stop being precious

ELMhouse · 03/12/2025 11:42

565OfftoanIsland · 02/12/2025 18:50

Really? You had 90 minutes to yourself to leave the house, as you pleased, and exercise, in the evening, without even running it by your husband first, when you had a newborn?

Show quote history

Why wouldn’t you, I used to go out when I had a newborn for coffee and catchups with friends in the day and evening for a couple of hours and my husband would just look after the baby, I would run it by him to double check he hadn’t planned anything but wouldn’t ask ‘permission’! I find it funny in MN that when people have babies their whole life turns completely upside down. Of course things change but life doesn’t have to always be about the baby 24/7.

as a result my husband has always been a brilliant and competent father to our DC and he doesn’t need spoon feeding on what to do when I’m not around (like so many men on here seem to). He worked and also got up for night feeds as we shared them. He cooked when he got home from work as he knew how knackering the first few months can be in the day. We shared all household chores and rotate.

its not a big deal I just assumed this was normal until I started seeing posts on MN

565OfftoanIsland · 03/12/2025 12:24

ELMhouse · 03/12/2025 11:42

Why wouldn’t you, I used to go out when I had a newborn for coffee and catchups with friends in the day and evening for a couple of hours and my husband would just look after the baby, I would run it by him to double check he hadn’t planned anything but wouldn’t ask ‘permission’! I find it funny in MN that when people have babies their whole life turns completely upside down. Of course things change but life doesn’t have to always be about the baby 24/7.

as a result my husband has always been a brilliant and competent father to our DC and he doesn’t need spoon feeding on what to do when I’m not around (like so many men on here seem to). He worked and also got up for night feeds as we shared them. He cooked when he got home from work as he knew how knackering the first few months can be in the day. We shared all household chores and rotate.

its not a big deal I just assumed this was normal until I started seeing posts on MN

Edited
Show quote history

I can't see how that would be possible when exclusively breastfeeding. I pumped the odd bottle to see a friend in the day but evenings baby fed on and off most evening. No way could we share feeds in the night either.

And the reason for my outrage is because I DO have a wonderful, competent husband, who knew how hard the evenings were and was always there to help, except the odd drink with a friend or a work commitment.

Once babies are 4 months, they go to bed at 7pm. It's really only a very short time that they're newborns and hard work on an evening.

ELMhouse · 03/12/2025 12:39

565OfftoanIsland · 03/12/2025 12:24

I can't see how that would be possible when exclusively breastfeeding. I pumped the odd bottle to see a friend in the day but evenings baby fed on and off most evening. No way could we share feeds in the night either.

And the reason for my outrage is because I DO have a wonderful, competent husband, who knew how hard the evenings were and was always there to help, except the odd drink with a friend or a work commitment.

Once babies are 4 months, they go to bed at 7pm. It's really only a very short time that they're newborns and hard work on an evening.

Show quote history

I breast fed and expressed so made life easier to go out and some night feeds, some feeds in the evening my husband would get up and pass me baby to seed whilst I was still half asleep and then her would do any burping and would do any changing nappies in the night.

i replied to your post as you seemed shocked that someone might go out for an hour or so, I found this easier in the first few weeks as baby sleeps a lot do DH didn’t need to feed.

my other comment wasn’t aimed as a slur against your husband, more a generalisation that a lot of women on MN seem to have super incompetent husbands and partners when it comes to kids and chores!

Babyboomtastic · 03/12/2025 12:41

565OfftoanIsland · 03/12/2025 12:24

I can't see how that would be possible when exclusively breastfeeding. I pumped the odd bottle to see a friend in the day but evenings baby fed on and off most evening. No way could we share feeds in the night either.

And the reason for my outrage is because I DO have a wonderful, competent husband, who knew how hard the evenings were and was always there to help, except the odd drink with a friend or a work commitment.

Once babies are 4 months, they go to bed at 7pm. It's really only a very short time that they're newborns and hard work on an evening.

Show quote history

Again, let's stop with the assumptions that parents get their evenings back from 7pm at 4 months. Babies aren't robots. They don't all do the same thing, they don't read the manual.

You got lucky. That's all.

😂😂