Husband going to basketball till 10:30pm - We have newborn

[Tetchy321]

My husband wants to go to basketball from 9pm and will get back at 10:30pm. We have a 9 week old baby who fusses and the time he wants to be out is the hardest time for me. It’s around this time that I’m exhausted and wondering how I’ll get through the night as I would have been with the baby all day while he works. I’m also working and stylising during the day aswell as trying to manage housework. He has no idea that bedtime is the hardest time for me and he wants to go out and come home at 10:30pm at the earliest?! We have a dog that will bark which will likely wake me and the baby. He doesn’t usually play this late and I didn’t realise he would be back so late until he told me this eve. I was livid with him and called him selfish. AIBU for saying that he can’t go as it will wake us up and it’s too late?

Cut the working and studying til baby is older
If you need to work hire in cleaner so you can cut the housework

I'm rarely Team DH but this is just one night, not a weekly thing as far as I can see. And it looks like he is running it by his wife hence the discussion.

OP, if he has no idea that bedtime is the hardest time for you, you need to tell him.

These early weeks are hard.

90 mins? You don't have to like it, or enjoy it but you're both allowed out occasionally. 10.30 isn't late, and he won't be out long.
Why are you working, studying and doing the housework while looking after baby? That's where your issues are.

I agree with this. It will be for a couple of months and then he can do some evening stuff. This stage is hard and you need to work together.

It’s one night, for a short amount of time and not very late, it’s bonkers to try and dictate that he can’t do this.

Why are you working and studying so soon post partum? I think that’s more of an issue - you’re recovering from giving birth and caring for a newborn that’s really all you should be doing at this stage. Him going out is part of life, as long as it’s not an every night thing - you’d have more capacity to cope if you weren’t trying to spin all the plates. Do take yourself out for 90 mins and leave him with baby every so often.

YABU it’s 90 mins. If you’ve got a lot on that’s going to tire you out do a little less in the day, drop the housework for a day.

Wouldn’t have any problem with this

You are not being unreasonable to ask for help if you need it and are struggling. But he’s not unreasonable to be working every day of the week (I assume) and to ask for 90 minutes to do a fitness activity that is good for his physical and mental health. If you were sick or really not able to cope then of course he should put you and the baby ahead of everything else. But this is his way to keep himself healthy and I really wouldn’t begrudge him that. If studying is too much then you should knock it on the head at least in these early stages surely? I’m not sure what you mean by working and housework though - if you are working (and the baby is being cared for by someone else) then why isn’t he splitting the housework with you if you’re both bringing in money?

He is a grown adult he doesn't need your permission

Yabu.
The baby will be fussy whether it is just you or both of you there.
You should book your own break once a week so baby can be with Dad for bedtime.

The solution isn’t to both suffer together, it is to tag team it. Take turns.
If you breast feed, get a pump so he can feed baby a bedtime bottle of breast milk.

You will feel so much happier and more human each getting at least one evening off the bedtime routine.

Honestly it's one evening. I think this is a massive over reaction.

Just make sure its not the start of a new habit. It's funny how new fathers seem to find new hobbies during the newborn period, taking them out of the house often at the hard times of parenting.

That’s your son not everyone else’s. Certainly not mine. It’s one and a half hours just tonight, op is completely unreasonable and you certainly don’t get to tell a grown adult what they can or can’t do. That’s controlling.

Wow! I was doing activities every week by that stage, nevermind my partner. I really do not see the issue at all!

Just one night? Come on, is that a huge problem?

I really don’t think asking 90 minutes to play sport is unreasonable at all. Tomorrow take 90 minutes yourself- go to the shop, meet a friend or just have a bath! Your supposed to make each others life easier and happier, not miserable together!

It’s so so hard when you have a new baby and every night feels like forever. I remember well that fear about bedtimes etc. So I totally get why you are stressed about this but if it is just once and only 90 minutes then I think it’s fine for him to go. Just express to him that this is worrying you and that you couldn’t cope if this was a regular thing. Things will get easier but those early weeks are tough x

If you breast feed, get a pump so he can feed baby a bedtime bottle of breast milk.

I breastfed for a year but could never get a pump to work. Awful things.

You are still in those early days. He should be dedicated every spare minute outside of work to the baby.

why are you trying to work and study while also caring for the baby? That isn’t sustainable. If that is something you need to be doing, it should be while he is home and can be in charge of everything except nursing.

I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

Its one night and the opportunity to do exercise and have some socialising and me time is important...for both of you so you should make sure you also have the opportunity to take some time for you as well. It's healthy and you should support each other to do this

9 weeks postpartum is the pits. We were really struggling at that point.

That said, we did do things separately for some downtime. Popped out for a walk/ a drink/ to see a friend. We each made a short appearance at Christmas parties. It was hard though.

You’re probably feeling misunderstood/not supported if you begrudge him this. Or you don’t get 90 mins to yourself ever. See if you can redress the balance a bit overall.

Come on, that's a huge assumption. Lots of babies don't improve their sleep for years, many get worse and newborn is the high point.

I think he should go out because frankly, it's just one baby, and it's a short time, and because if he waits until it improves, child may be at school first for all we know. He shouldn't go out every night, but occasionally should be fine.

This.

Ffs get a bloody grip.