My best friend of nearly 20 years and I have fallen out

[Mondura]

a long one..

My friend and I have known each other for 17 years. We both live in the UK. We’ve had a wider friendship circle since our twenties when we met but ppl move away and their lives end up going in different directions so it's not a strong group of friends anymore. I’d say she’s been a constant, supportive presence in my life throughout these years and we’ve never fallen out until a couple of months ago. I’m not even sure how things got to this point. She is turning 40 soon (a few months before me) and together with a third friend we were trying to organise something to celebrate her birthday. We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple, like going away to a cottage, just the three of us, have a few drinks, dinner, stay a night or two and just chat, laugh relax, etc. Great, nothing complicated or so I thought. Our third friend and I suggested a country pub with rooms which we’ve both been very impressed by previously, it had other locations in the UK, great service, lovely atmosphere, we were very keen to make the most of it. Our third friend sent some links and she highlighted some of the rooms have two beds, she’ll try and find maybe a family room, but can’t see a cottage on the grounds with multiple rooms. Fine, nothing has been decided and I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general. It hasn’t always been the case, we worked hard for the money we have, run a business, take risks etc. that’s not to say, they are poor, they can both afford luxury holidays, meals out, lovely clothes etc, so none of these things have ever really been an issue. My friend, the birthday girl, didn’t reply to my suggestion to book two rooms, we were all in a rush to do things that morning anyway, we knew it wasn’t going to be finalised so just left it. She then sent another link to the chat a few days later with an Airbnb link for another, cheaper cottage. We all liked it, lovely place, location, great! I was going away a few days later but was keen to finalise something for my friend so we'd have it locked in the calendar and had this short getaway to look forward to so instead of packing and getting myself organised, I prioritised this trip and started my morning looking into booking this. I told them that I’m happy to advance the payment and they can just transfer it later, I just wanted to look through the listing again to make sure it’s all to our liking and needs and I’m ready to book it. My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month. I said ok. Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then. I didn’t reply as I sensed that she was upset. We generally text or call each other almost every day, often multiple times a day, so I can read between the lines, she was not happy. I said I can look for something else, but not until I come back from my upcoming trip a week later so we can park this for now if that’s what she wants. She then messaged again saying it’s best to cancel the whole thing, all of us have different needs, she doesn’t want to go away any more, just a simple dinner is fine. I didn’t reply, because I was busy getting myself ready, I was already short on sleep and had a lot to do, I didn’t want to engage in discussing it further. It was clear that the booking wasn’t going to go ahead then. So I didn’t respond, she then private messaged me and said the same thing that it’s best to not go ahead at all with the plans. It’s her call of course, but then I replied saying I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair to now just shut it all down when we’ve all planned so much and looked forward to this ( took forever to find dates that suited us all). We were ready to book and it sounded like the ‘everyone has different needs’ is aimed at me as if my needs were too much. I said I don’t mind looking for a bigger cottage and I’ll just pay the difference for the third room if that’s the issue as it’s no problem for me. I was very polite and I tried to come up with a solution though I didn’t really understand why she got so agitated so suddenly. She then became pretty abusive saying she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled. I was shocked and started crying. I was totally oblivious to this if it was the case and really I thought I'm just booking a trip for my best friend and doing my best to be flexible.I scrolled back in the messages to see if I was rude or what exactly I said but I genuinely just stated that I don’t mind going for an extra room for myself. She knows I’m an awful sleeper, I send her screenshots of my sleep stats often and we analyse it together, I usually need a dark, quiet room and although we have shared rooms and even bed together in the past, I’d rather pay for my comfort levels approaching our 40s if we can afford it. Clearly her main issue was not me wanting a separate room, but it was deeper than that. It just seems she never expressed these to me. I stopped responding. I saw her last message later on where she says I’ve been the one person who is closest to her in the past 20 years and that she loves me, sort of like a half-assed apology where she probably realised how overboard she went. But I just couldn’t continue writing anything after all this and I had a lot to do that day anyway. I shouldn't have started the day with this booking as I had a lot on. She then tried to ring me in the afternoon and again in the evening, but I was on the school run in the afternoon, then took a sedative for the night (I don't often do this), but I had to calm down somehow and it was important that I had a good night's sleep before an early start to my flight. Over a week went past and I didn't contact her. In fact I muted her chat and the other chat too, which had all three of us in originally as I just couldn't deal with the drama plus I was away with my daughter, I didn't really have time to myself to dive into this whole 'who said what and why' saga.I also didn't want this to ruin my time away with my daughter though it definitely overshadowed it. I cried a lot at night or when she couldn't see me. I also didn't really know what to write tbh. I don't often post on social media, so whenever I snap pictures of what I do, where I am, what I eat etc, I just send a few to some selected friends and my husband. So this friend would've in normal circumstances received a lot of pics from my trip away, but I just had such a block in me. She said I rub things under her nose, so I didn't want to send her a pic of us sitting at the airport lounge. On arrival we went out of dinner to a new spot she actually specifically talked about before. I didn't want to send pics of the food. What if we spent too much? Would that be rubbing it under her nose? Suddenly everything I did felt like I was in the wrong and I was no longer able to share my life with her, because who knows what else I'd done in the past which was too much for her to handle? So I basically just parked this whole thing in my mind to deal with later and tried to enjoy my time away. A few days after getting back home, she messaged me again asking if I cared to discuss what happened at all. I replied politely and told her that I don't really know what to say and it still hasn't settled enough in me plus I'm busy catching up on life and work after returning from my trip (which she knew the length of) She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on. She became very accusatory again especially about the fact that I didn't respond at all for nearly two weeks (she said two weeks, it was a week and a half) and somehow I ended up reading more of how I did something wrong and how bad she felt during this time and that I shouldn't have just disappeared like that. I tried not to take offence, but it seemed a bit harsh from someone who was trying to mend things. So I told her I felt bad too, I just couldn't bring myself dealing with what she said as I feel like I can't be myself with her anymore. We try to text now regularly, but it's somewhat forced. It feels very awkward and I don't enjoy sharing anything with her. We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days. I reached out afterwards to meet in person finally in the hope that I'd feel differently about her or I don't really know what I expected really. We met and I don't think we discussed anything in more detail or better just because we were face to face. There was some crying, but mostly we just both tried to make the other one understand why we are hurt. We left, I texted her again the next day and we messaged since, but it's not the same. It's awful actually. I'm only texting out of some obligatory feeling. I lost a very good friend over such a stupid thing and I can't believe it's happening. We have a few things in the calendar lined up, which we haven't discussed. We take turns spending Christmas lunch at each others every year and it's their turn to host this year. We have shows booked and our children are similar ages, they are good friends and we always maintained that they see each other regularly. I think she wants the friendship to continue, but something has broken between us and I guess I can keep going like this; in a forced, uncomfortable manner but I'm looking for advice on how to get past it and feel free and comfortable again spending time with her. Right now I always just feel like any moment I can say or do something that constitutes entitled and will cross her boundaries over what is or isn't allowed. If she wasn't important to me, I could just let this all go, but I'm really struggling to let my hurt and anger, but mostly sadness go away so we can just be happy friends again planning our next adventure.

Agree. It's not that I can't, but I can't be bothered. It's a very basic requirement, if you want people to spend time reading, everyone must use paragraphs.

Netmums is that way ➡

Have they stopped teaching paragraphs in schools? Second “wall of text” drivel op I’ve read (well not read) in the last day or so.

Completely agree.

I couldn't be arsed with reading it, as I consider it poor manners to write a block wall of text with no paragraphs, but anyone who needs Chat GPT to read or summarise a mumsnet post has some serious comprehension and reading issues.

Perhaps your friend is a bit jealous that you earn more than her, who knows. Or perhaps you do come across as entitled. It’s impossible to know. As for your argument with your friend, I do think that you were in the wrong.

• the cottage had 2 rooms, and instead of offering to share a room wirh your best friend (as you were closer to her than to her other friend) or offering to either pay more or share the room with someone else, you decided you wanted the room for yourself, because you could afford it! I can see why she got upset. The issue is not with you wanting the room for yourself, it’s the explanations you gave. I am sure that if you explained that you wanted a room for yourself because you have sleep issues it would have come across much better than saying that you want a room because you can afford to pay more.
• you ignored your friend for nearly 2 weeks (yes, 1.5 weeks is nearly 2 weeks and, anyway, ignoring a friend who is upset for more than a day or 2 not ok). You have so many excuses for yourself (you were busy, tired, crying, etc) but seem to have no empathy for how your friend might have felt, feeling upset and ignored.
• it sounds like you’re upset about loosing the way this friendship made you feel, but not about losing your friend.

If you really cared about your best friend you would have made a bigger effort to be the ‘bigger person’, even if you thought she was in the wrong. The way you replied to her when she asked about your new car is so mean. Of course your excuse is that you were hurt. Im sure she felt hurt too, but she still made the effort to ask. I think your friend deserves better. And you obviously deserve a different kind of friend/ friendship.

And so is chavsrus.com!

I get where you are coming from to some extent but to let a long friendship go over this is unnecessary. Maybe you didn’t mean it but your comments re ‘l’ll pay etc’ were not received well in the moment. But your friend reached out not long after to sort things out. But you didn’t answer messages for some time, and it all got dragged out to be a bigger thing than it needs to be for both of you. This is something that could’ve been talked about and resolved quickly but instead you ignored your friend and ruminated alone.

I understand you are hurt as her response to your helpfully intended suggestions were not received as such. But that’s ok. We all might get things wrong at times. Or maybe she’s over sensitive? But you both have valid points, no one has to be ‘right’ and no one has to be the victim here. Don’t create that position for yourself eg re the new car comment. Her reaction is not a statement of all that she thinks you are, just something said in the moment when maybe she just wanted to get something sorted for her birthday.

Is there other stuff going on in your life that is causing you stress? Did her comment hit a nerve re something unresolved either between you or within yourself? You were understandably hurt but the extent of your reaction on the face of it is extreme and suggests a level of binary thinking: she criticised me = we can no longer be friends. You need to unpack this and work out why you have reacted to the extent that you have. Best wishes.

Oh ye of little knowledge.

I didnt make it to the end of your post. Far too long and difficult to read. But it all sounds a bit of a hassle for a couple of nights away. Could it be you are hard work to make arrangements with. And then it was all left up in the air till you got back from holiday. Not worth losing a friendship over. Its a shame its come to this.

Good grief. Rarely do I read a post starting off neutral and ending up strongly against.

i need a medal for getting through the post. And I suspect your friend needs a medal for silently tolerating your lack of self awareness for so many years.

Aside from the who said what / when / why which I cannot be bothered to go into, you are throwing away a long standing and deep friendship over a single falling out. What a waste. You don’t seem to value friendships much.

if you can no longer put the effort in to restore the friendship, I suspect your friend is better off moving on.

Harsh but true.

Exactly this. Friendship red flag. I feel the friend has looked past MANY of these over the years and finally had enough.

Please tell me what that means 🙏🏻

The friend made a snappy comment. Perhaps a bit hurtful but she apologised and tried to make amends quickly . You on the other hand stonewalled and gave the silent treatment to a ridiculous extent whilst crying every night on a trip away with your daughter. Total over reaction. Why couldn’t you just accept the apology and move on over something so trivial ? Or answer her call and have an adult conversation and move on.

and to the person who posted the big long chatgbt response it’s ridiculous we all have free access to chat gbt and don’t need to see it posted on a discussion forum.

You will be fine. You’ve just had a fall out. It’s funny how we allow these blips to happen with our romantic partners but when it’s a friend it’s so much harder to get over. She sounds like she loves you and you sound a bit stubborn. Go out and have a beer or two together and laugh it off.x

FUCKING AGREED!

They are shit and boring and GO ON AND ON and are an ecological and ethical issue.

What is the TLDR please?

"I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general."

"I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off."

"My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month."

"she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled."

"We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose."

That's the story in a nutshell.

It sounds like there were crossed wires. You thought you were being generous by offering to hire a bigger place so you can have your own room. You thought you were reassuring by saying that you could afford it.

You didn't pick up that your friend was trying to dial back the cost (suggesting a quieter affair, asking to pay the following month) and you persisted in wanting better properties. First you say 'it's ok for you two to share and I'll have my own room' then you say 'this has only got two bedrooms' as if you're not happy with that idea.

I don't think either of you were exactly wrong, but I do think that you've overestimated your friend's understanding of the imbalance of your finances and I can see why she felt you were flashing the cash.

RTFT

Tldr.

Edited to say this is NOT the post I quoted! Sorry

I think she would.

We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple,

I've been wondering about this. There were only two of you, alongside her, in the group chat.

I don't think you brought us in at the beginning here, OP.

It was @FrippEnos's ridiculous ChatGtp rewriting that was Tldr!

I think @Lougle's points about how your behavior during the planning was likely interpreted.

But aside from the money aspect, the "but this one only has 2 bedrooms" would have irritated me all on its own. First your other friend finds a country inn and there are rooms with two beds so you say you need a second room while they share... ok. But then the birthday friend finds a two bedroom cottage with doubles in each room and a pull out couch and suddenly two bedrooms is insufficient for you. I suspect that added to the feeling that you were looking for opportunities to spend more to have more than them or just be loudly dissatisfied with what everyone could afford.

Think you need to take this one on the chin OP.
Sounds your friend may feel that you behave as though your greater wealth entities you to call the shots and not really consider others’ needs.
There may be some jealousy on
her part but that does not justify insensitivity on your part.

Are you both 12? If not, sit down like mature anfults and have a heart to heart with your bestie. All this drama and the unspoken rebuffs, just have a nice chat and tell her you’re worried about telling her your material possessions as you don’t want to upset her.