DH kicking off as I want to uninvite DMIL/DSIL from Christmas Day

[Christmasdayissue]

NC’d for this. Please can people let me know if they think IABU.

Background - DH and I recently moved into our own home after renting for years and having limited space.

Yesterday we hosted DMIL and DSIL for a roast. Both have stomach problems - fine. However, they spent the hour following the roast sat in our living room openly breaking wind and making no attempt to hide this fact. In front of our two young DC (both found it hilarious). No apology from either of them, the only acknowledgment being ‘well you know we have stomach issues and eating that makes it flare up’.

DH didn’t say anything to them. When I told him after they left that I found it disgusting, he said I was prudish and that they can’t help it. I asked why they couldn’t leave the room. He said it’s good they feel at home and he grew up with them being like that so doesn’t see the issue.

I’ve told him today I don’t want them to come on Christmas Day as planned if that’s how they will behave, and set such an awful example to our DC. He said how dare I threaten that and if I ever thought that was appropriate then he’d simply go out for lunch with them to a pub instead.

Glad you're acknowledging reality, Hun.

This is quite possibly the best thing I’ve seen on here in some time. Totally hilariously and horrifically correct. Which probably isn’t funny at all. Radio Five live did a full hour phone in at 9am today about the state of people in the UK regarding Christmas. We need to have a bloody hard look at ourselves to be fair.

This is a complete misrepresentation of what I am saying. Relationships are not one way streets, they involve compromise and practicality. Sure she could win this battle, but I fear probably lose the war. Now of course the old Mumsnet wisdom would be...divorce him!!! That's right, leave your marriage and uproot your children's and your own life over a minor disagreement that could have been handled much better and more wisely. We know one snippet of this marriage. How do we know that he hasn't put up with crap from her family as well? It's a really small thing to be threatening to uninvite in laws from Christmas over, and you know as well as I do that the result will if that actually happened would be nuclear winter between her and his family. This is terrible for a marriage. Sometimes you just have to take the L and move on.

So why’s it all on op? She has to concede to their noxious behaviour and his threats rather than they as adults mitigate their intolerance by choosing appropriate foods?
Do you feel it’s their ‘right to be flatulent and op needs to be in servitude to them?

No I don't. I think she should choose her battles so she doesn't have to get a divorce over a fairly petty issue.

I disagree. I think it was rude, judgmental, culturally insulting and actually just inaccurate. I have never, ever in all my life experienced anyone doing anything like the anecdotes that pp outlined.

Moreover, in many countries farting is normalised and considered to be not particularly offensive - or even a sign of appreciation, though that is more often belching. I have sat in saunas in Europe where a naked man has farted openly without a flicker of embarrassment, and it was France who produced and provided a career for Joseph Pujols, stage name le Petomane, who was a professional French flatulist, or fartist.

,

Not the same at all.

It literally is. Ask a doctor.

It’s not inaccurate. It does happen. I’ve seen it. This poster has seen it. Just because this doesn’t happen in your circles doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Go into any city centre this weekend you’ll see it all over.

Well we certainly are not the only nation to fart - or to consider it natural or even mildly amusing.

I have never, ever in all my life experienced anyone doing anything like the anecdotes that pp outlined.

Just because you have never witnessed it, doesn’t mean I didn’t with my own eyes, which I did.

“Culturally insensitive” get a grip of yourself. I said I acknowledge the majority of the population are not like this. Offence is everywhere if you choose to look for it.

And no it’s not normalised, that lone man in the sauna is just a filthy pig.

It's not petty at all though. Hope this helps.

Thankfully I have never come across this in my very blessed life, but I don't doubt you.

Having caught snippets of the appalling behaviour filmed on Saturday nights in various cities around the UK, it is not hard to imagine the type of backgrounds they must come from to be so comfortable in their feral awfulness.

It's a feature of MN to applaud the worst of male behaviour and give a kicking to any OP that pushes back.

Her husband and his family are members of the absolute dregs of society.
Thank goodness I never come across their like.
Oiks every one.

You don’t have to cook on that day.

Personally I wouldn’t. I would leave and stay somewhere else and turn off notifications on my phone.

The amount you usually pay for Christmas lunch/dinner can be put towards a hotel room. I wouldn’t shop for the roast. I wouldn’t do anything. Your husband says he gets final say - then he can get final say in shopping for ingredients and preparing food for his disgusting family.

OP's DH has told her that she gets no say in the matter and must cook Christmas dinner for his family because that is his decision and he earns more than her. He refuses to help with any of the shopping and cooking because he takes after the men in his family who all agree that this is women's work.

That is a good reason for OP to leave him. The uncontrollable and performative farting is just the icing on a very shit cake for OP (no pun intended).

Im on the fence. Nobody can help farting however the polite thing to do is leave the room or at least keep quiet as possible.

If by “openly” you mean a raised leg/“oops here it comes” type scenario then that’s disgusting.

This.

I wasn't talking about Europe with the normalised comment; there are other parts of the world.

Re my comments that you made rude and sweeping comments about British culture, your comments were:
I would say I am well travelled and have explored different cultures before I move here, it appears to me the UK breeds a specific types of women (men too) who take pride in participating in low life, animal like behaviour. I have not experienced this anywhere else. In my culture, and our neighbouring countries, this type of behaviour would only be typical of people with mental health disorders.

Are you really going to contend that was not culturally insensitive? Brushing it away with a childlike "get a grip" doesn't unpick the seriously derogatory nature of that paragraph about the UK and its culture, particularly women. I can't think of any other country - except perhaps America, which culture people seem to feel can be insulted with total impunity - you would have felt comfortable to type those words about.

Worse still, you say you moved here: this isn't even self-reflection but an outsider's derision.

There was also the comment by the DH about the mortgage, which I thought was really telling about his attitude generally.

To me the (significant) problems in this relationship aren't farting - and I suspect the op would not have been so offended by an unfortunate evening of wind had there not been these much deeper themes of lack of respect for her.

I guess there is often something that brings matters to a head however.

Well you know the saying, sometimes it takes an outsider’s perspective to see things clearly. I’m entitled to my opinion regardless whether I was born here or not. And many British people have these opinions of this certain calibre themselves, I believe you call them chavs. Other words I’ve heard use to describe such people, again from other British citizens, are; underclass, uncouth, antisocial behaviour. There’s your self reflection.

You also do not know me so you cannot say what I would feel comfortable saying, and to whom. And while we’re on this topic, I’ve also noticed that the British fall over themselves in an attempt to be politically correction at all times. Where I’m from, and most of the world actually, we do not communicate in such a way. Was that also culturally insensitive ? (No skin off my nose either way)

Well let's leave it at your comment that we are entitled to our own opinions: mine is that your post was rudely written.

English is my third language, I cannot always soften and flower my delivery. My original post was not written to cause any offence, hence why I wrote “Not actively trying to offend anyone” as the opening line. Regardless, two British citizens replied on this thread to me and didn’t appear to find it offensive in any which way, as I’m assuming they do not fall within the minority of people which I am discussing.

Well if you are genuinely interested in learning to "soften and flower" your delivery, a good starting point would be to understand that calling people "chavs" (not encouraged on these threads) or talking about antisocial behaviour is not at all an equivalent to labelling these people "animals."

There are all sorts of ways people exhibit manners, and, while I agree with you that behaviours relating to toileting are one, the way we express ourselves is another.

“Many British people have these opinions of this certain calibre themselves, I believe you call them chavs”

You’re playing dumb on purpose now. Read above clearly, that is not me calling anybody chavs. This is me quoting what I have heard British people refer to subject community. Did the “I believe” not spell that to you clearly?

And you lecture me on my communication skills. As mentioned, English is my third language, I’m not sure what your excuse is.

I give up on you now. Enjoy your Friday.

You need to read that again.

I appreciate your English language skills aren't at first language level, but you can't blame me for that.

I have simply NOT said you called anyone a chav. You said Brits are in the habit of doing so - and I pointed out that even that is not the same thing as calling people animals, which is what you did do.