Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

It’s absolutely awful if OP has received private messages about this. I have endometriosis and I know what it’s like that struggle in extreme pain.

However OP has posed the question on here, so I think it’s fair enough to have a civilised debate about it.

There’s a lot going on here and being thrust into the position of unwilling and resentful carer for my aging DPs, I automatically discount any response which says that any reasonable person would do X. I also do think the fact that OP is reacting so emotionally to this and placing her self worth on how much or how little a 21 year old DS at uni is prepared to do, is unhealthy.

If I was the DS I would want my DP to have researched what other support is available and provide my input as part of a team, rather than be expected to be the one and only person involved. Plus people are saying it’s just getting DD to school, but also saying how little one can do after a hysterectomy, so it feels like it would be a bit more than simply lifts.

There’s a lot of assumptions being made about the character of the DS. Maybe he is a lazy selfish person, I don’t know, but I suspect there is more going on.

Really?... I totally disagree. Our children should brought up to realise they need to help in the family when needed. Why do they have no obligation to help their mum and sister?. WRONG!

I can't send my DD abroad to her dad because he doesn't have a job that facilitates children.

Your son is on a very expensive course that doesn't facilitate children, and it is definetly your DD Dads responsibility more than your DS. It sounds like you have been leaning on him a fair bit over the last decade. You need to review your support network/ plans going forwards.

@Silentlysinging you need to get social services involved ASAP. they will ask your son what help he can give and they will provide you with someone to take your daughter to school. Also Adult social care can support as well. There is no reason for your daughter to stay home from school.

Get the operation ASAP. My endometriosis was untreated and it grew around my ureter why caused kidney hydronephrosis.

Presumably if he’d been a decent supportive DH they wouldn’t be divorced.

It’s appalling that OP has received nasty messages. With an abdominal hysterectomy she will be in hospital 3 days minimum. She isn’t saying she will be incapacitated for weeks. MN has a really unpleasant take on parents asking for help from adult children. The dynamic changes when children grow up and should be a bit more two way support. She isn’t planning to lean on her son long term , it’s a few days. If you’re still reading OP it’s totally unrealistic to think you will be home the next day. I think I would contact the hospital social worker to say you’re willing to pay for help for the first week but can they suggest any agencies you could approach. You can’t go for this operation with an easy mind unless you have someone reliable to look after your daughter for a few days.

What has this place come to when a SM receives abuse for struggling with childcare due to a hysterectomy?

In this situation, I would ask a school friend of your dd whether she can have a sleepover for a couple of nights with one friend and a couple of nights with another friend. Then maybe another.

I would explain fully to the other parent though.

Alternatively tell the school that you can’t bring your DD and can they offer any suggestions.

I said in the post above I've recently done a few post-grad masters modules, in which many students missed the odd day, but ok..

I'd be shocked if his lectures weren't available online.

And... That's still not the her sons responsibility.

'It’s appalling that OP has received nasty messages'

If she has received unpleasant messages she needs to report to mnhq and they'll ban the posters.

He doesn't want to do it. We can all agree that it sounds unkind and selfish but what can you do. No amount of suggesting how he can manage his uni work will change that fact.

What the op needs do is accept yes she has a selfish son but she actually doesn't need his help anyway as she'll be more than able and if the only thing she can't do is drive for 6weeks then get taxis or the bus.

I’m with you @femfemliciousas I too think children should be brought up to realise they need to help in the family when needed.

Well it’s then “when needed “ that’s sort of the point here @deeahgwitch.

Is it the DS fault that OP doesn’t know any DPs well enough to suggest a sleepover or hasn’t considered asking social services or the school for some help/ideas ?

I would be happier to help my DPs if they accepted all the available resources and used me for the extras. I know it’s not the same, but the principle still applies.

I'm really surprised OP is expecting to be home the same day.

A total abdominal hysterectomy including cervix is major surgery. I've had 2 c-sections, but they were a walk in the park in comparison to the TAH. It is also far more extensive and not the same recovery as a vaginal hysterectomy either.

It went as planned, with no complications but I was in hospital for 3 days with drains in the wound and couldn't be discharged until physio had signed me off for using stairs. It is weeks, or more likely months, of recovery.

OP, you need the support. If your son won't do it, can you afford to hire help?

You'd be shocked by a sizeable proportion of unis then, if my daughter's friends' experiences as current first years are typical.

Agree OP just has to accept that her son isn’t going to help and plan accordingly. Disagree that she will be more than able . I had an abdominal hysterectomy. I was back working full time after 4 weeks. The first three days I wasn’t capable of doing much at all. It was 24 hours before the catheter was removed and a nurse helped me up to the loo. After 3 days I walked to the hospital car park but felt very weak.

I understand that for some mothers on here their kids are all they have - & they let them live the life of Riley. But in other families adults are expected to adult.

It’s a shame his dad is crap, but that’s no reason for him not to step up and be a man. He can reorganise 2 days of uni and not miss anything.

This thread has finally brought home to me that a lot of posters are very unpleasant and MN isn’t a place for anyone to seek sensible advice.

I think you might need to swallow your pride a bit OP and maybe ask the other mums in dd's class if they mind helping get her to school for a couple of weeks. I'm not best buddies with anyone in my dd's class but I'd have no problem helping any of them in this way if I was asked. Your son is an adult. You can ask him to help but you can't force him. And asides from maybe getting to and from school I'd expect a 10 year old to be self sufficient enough to mostly look after herself tbh xx

Not necessarily, some courses have minimum attendance levels for lectures.

‘Elective surgery’ doesn’t mean what you think it means. The NHS don’t spend thousands of pounds removing organs for a laugh.

Just because it’s planned doesn’t mean it’s not serious.

I had an abdominal hysterectomy three months ago. I can tell you exactly what happened.

Absolutely! @Silentlysinging this same thing happened to me. I had absolutely no one to help with my twins when I needed health care and I ended up very ill. In the end my kids had to go to foster care while I was in hospital. I suggest you involve social services now before you end up with no choice.

You are going to need a lot of help after surgery. Your son can't provide all you need but he can be part of the package. Maybe the operation can be arranged during his holidays so that he can at least be there while you are in hospital. Social services will help you mediate with family you have to see what can be arranged

Surely NO ONE ( or no one in their right mind anyway) genuinely thinks OP should be putting off this much needed operation?!

@Silentlysinging 6
I can see you are in a tight spot, but I do think YABU.

i don’t think it is reasonable to expect him to miss university for 2 whole weeks- he does need to be in classes and it’s not a day you are asking him to miss, it’s an extended period of time. He might only have lectures/tutorials etc 2 days per week but I suspect he will need to be doing some work outside of that if he is intending to pass his course, i’d have thought. Additionally, at this time of year he could be coming up for end of term exams (depending on course and individual university) and if so, it is not reasonable to expect him to miss lectures/tutorials or other classes (again, depends on course). Or to be trying to juggle looking after you, your DD and doing revision.

When I was at university (admittedly some time ago) missing 2 weeks would have been hard work to catch up and would have left me at a disadvantage. Additionally, there were also compulsory things that if not attended required an explanation- I don’t think they would necessarily have granted permission to miss compulsory classes to care for a sibling. Or rather, they would have said- you can miss the class without sanction, but you need to attend to pass this semester as it is compulsory to doing so. I would guess that is unlikely on a course where he is in 2 days per week, but something to be considered.

And what if there are complications meaning you take longer to recover than anticipated, so you. need help for more than 2 weeks? Are you going to expect him to be absent from university for however long you need? I think you are going to have to have a back up plan, at the very least.

Could you look at getting a childminder to do pick up/drop off, for instance. Is your dd able to walk to or from school, or to a nearby friend’s house and taken from there? A friend or parents of your DD’s school friend may not have time to divert to collect/drop off DD but might be happy to take her from their house if you were able to get her there. I know your dd walking may not be an option, depending on where you live (e.g. If you live rurally or on a busy route, or nowhere near your friends/your child’s school friends). Other options are a taxi to and from school if none of your friends could help out even occasionally? I know it’s not cheap, but you do need to look at options. I’d either batch cook or buy in meals to make life easier during recovery. As an aside, have you actually asked your friends if they could help, or just assumed they can’t? If I had a friend in your position, I would help where I could even thought that might not be every day or with everything they needed help with.

You could ask your son to come home on days where he does not have classes- but you do need to take into account if he is travelling/looking after you and DD, he will also need time to do any course work or revision etc he needs to do. And he might need financial assistance to help with cost of travel, as that is not cheap- especially if he has having to go back and forth throughout the week. You would also have to be understanding if he is unable to help out for the whole 2 weeks due to university commitments.