Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Op don't cancel, you clearly need this surgery. I'd ask son to stay over night the day of your surgery and then head back for his friends party. Id also ask him to come back for 1 r two days in that week to get your daughter to school, make sure you're ok etc. He can get notes from his friends for whatever he misses...

Asking him to help is perfectly normal and not at all unreasonable. It's part of normal life, part of being a family. I really don't understand some of these posters.

Alternatively tell your daughter in advance re her having a week off school, she may well enjoy it! As she's ten, you could use it, maybe starting now in fact, to teach her how to cook simple meals if she doesn't do so already. Again nothing unusual about that, she may enjoy it and also it's a good thing to learn!

Either way, best of luck op, you sound like a lovely person, hope all goes well for you.

Nope im sorry but your 21 yr old son is your son and not your carer. I say this as someone who witnessed her husband be emotionally abused by his own mother to 'help her' when she was not well. What happens the next time the OP needs something and the son has exams. Feels more like she is trying to guilt trip son into looking after her. If the DD needs to stay at home for the week while the OP recovers then thats what happens.

Ofgs she's not asking him to be her carer, she's asking him for a bit of help for a few , a very few days. How completely unreasonable of her... I really wonder about the lives some people lead.....

Totally . It’s disgusting.

Just ask him and explain why it’s important. Forget waiting for an offer

And explain exactly what the help involves ie cooking/ helping your daughter with school stuff etc so he isn’t confused

If you read OPs posts you’ll see she has asked him since she started the thread

Right.

All the women who run around the Kais and the Alfies because they’re so desperate to be loved, simply create problems for other women.

Compare to an old friend of mine who, when his mum got a rare rapid form of MS and his dad walked out, gave up uni to get a job to provide for mum and 11:year old sister. He wasn’t asked, he just did it. He’s now very successful.

She is seriously ill and having organs removed. She won’t be able to walk unassisted for 3-5 days.

Where would the Son want his sister to be? At home alone, in temporary social care (if that exists).

What would he do if she was admitted to hospital in an emergency. Would he shrug and say ‘but I have a party’?

Bloody hell some of you are unbelievable.

This young man is not being asked to give up university or miss exams or move home for months or do personal care. He is being asked to be a considerate helpful member of a family. To help his mother out for a few days after major surgery by helping to look after his sister. And yes his mother. What the hell is wrong with that? He’s a young adult. He would probably be first to move back home for help and support if it were the other way around.

I can’t believe some people have even sent the OP horrible messages as well as being horrible on here.

Ugh. When I think this place can’t get any worse it surprises me.

The op isn't seriously ill, she is having elective surgery. Post op she'll have pain relief and will have plenty of opportunity to rest while her dd is at school. Unless she has preexisting medical issues she will not need assistance to walk for 5 days.

We don't know why the ds is selfish and doesn't want to help but that is the situation and forcing him to help will not be of benefit to anyone.

The op is having planned surgery and has a 10yr old. She will be fine.

I am so sorry OP that you have received such abuse on this thread, especially privately.
Your son is a selfish disgrace.
It is indeed easy to see where awful husbands and fathers come from indeed.

I really wish you the best OP.

Why are you expecting to be off your feet for weeks? I had a vaginal hysterectomy that also removed cervix & ovaries and although I needed to take it easy & avoid getting tired, bending etc, was certainly not off my feet for weeks. In fact moving about was recommended!

Very strange and offensive comment. Im 4 months post surgery, open surgery hysterectomy. Yes you are 100 per cent not able to do much for weeks actually. You cannot lift anything and you cant drive and you need rest. Open surgery means cutting through layers of your skin and muscle, you didn't experience it so I think you have zero reason to comment. Yes they want you to be mobile but they mean walking around to stop blood clots and to get your muscle moving , not meaning move around be normal.

I hope that grown women haven't sent horrible messages. I suspect that they might have come from youngsters who have drifted over from Reddit.

I had a partial hysterectomy (abdominal as endometriosis & adeno had created adhesions between organ and a beging ball of tissue the size of a golf ball at the top of my womb). What I did was hire a carer who came in once a day to help with cleaning/pets/clothes washing for about two weeks.

I would ask your son to be with you for a week and then look at the carer option. I would also speak to the school to see if another parent could help get your daughter to and from school.

I can see both sides of this so try to work out a compromise.

I think some posters are really letting their own issues with their parents cloud this one. Shame on anyone who has harassed her with private messages.

From what OP has said it sounds like she hasn't put herself first in a while and this has come with a cost to her health. I suspect her son hasn't been asked to do anything for anyone before.

OP's son isn't being asked to miss much academically. His lectures will be available online if he was to miss one, it's really not unusual or pivotal to miss one lecture. I've recently done some masters level post-grad modules and most students missed a lecture at some point, it's very easy to catch up providing it's not a lab.. and even then it's not impossible. I had IVF during one and missed 2 days of lectures, my lecturers were understanding and helped - I'm sure his uni would be understanding too.

I think it's really shit of him to comment he saw it coming and not offer, and then when asked to only offer a day. I really think anyone decent would stay with their parent for at least 2 nights, especially as the only real ask is school runs.

I'd take a pretty low view of any man who prioritised a birthday party over this tbh.

Yes, I'm recovering from a c section which is a similar incision. No driving for 6 weeks (and insurance won't cover you if you do) no bending, lifting - so no dishwasher or hoovering for weeks, and initially no getting things in an oven etc. It takes time and recovery isn't linear.

I think your son is still in the young and selfish stage. Im not sure it would have occurred to me at 19 that my mum might need help with something. He'll grow up and get better. You need to ask him for help.

Yes I suggested this. Either a carer or a part time nanny to take DD to and from school and make a meal in the evening.

A 10 year old missing a week if school has a much bigger impact than missing a day or two of lectures! She would struggle to catch up, he would find it very straightforward.

I am going against the grain.

He is at university. Even if he only has lectures 2 of the days each week he is expected to do around 30 hours self study a week and may need access to labs or libraries.

Your daughter is 10. Does she have no friends at all? Surely one of their parents would help with school run for the week or so, or you could source a childminder. Indeed you could pay for cabs to and from school for a week.

There is no need to disrupt what (bearing in mind his age) is likely to be his final and arguably most important year at uni.

Totally smacks of tell me you do not understand how university study works without telling me you do not understand how university study works.

He sounds bloody selfish, I'm sorry you're facing this alone. My DD moved heaven and earth to help me after my breast cancer surgery. She's a teacher and was doing classes by video link from my kitchen. Even my autistic teen gladly accepted his role as gopher and chief sock putter-oner.

Reach out to others around you for support. I found people I barely knew were more that happy to help out. Most people are kind at heart.

The OP did. He is minding his sister the day of the operation but will leave and not mind her overnight.
I think he is selfish. He certainly lacks empathy as he knows his Mum is in a bind.
When OP did ask him for help he said he knew that ( her wanting his help ) was coming but can only give the day.
His own (loving not abusive ) mother needs him when she is ill and he’ll give the bare minimum !
🥲Jesus wept

OP could you find a childminder who would take your DD to school, collect and drop her back later for you? It might be worth a try.