Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Sometimes facts help. Many of us will have had planned major surgery and managed fine without unwilling 21yr olds having to come home to help.

The op will be anxious, totally understandable but she will manage fine. Make sure stocked up or do online orders. Get school informed so they are aware the 10yr old will be walking alone then going forward try and work on some kind of back up should she ever need it in future. It is obviously very disappointing the ds is so feckless but no point dwelling on it really last thing the op needs is to be full of bitterness and resentment

Indeed, UCL for example is 75%. As long as he attends the rest he’s fine. Either way a university lecturer has outlined workaround steps for DS to discuss with uni upthread.

‘Elective surgery’ doesn’t mean what you think it means. The NHS don’t spend thousands of pounds removing organs for a laugh.'

I don't think the nhs does anything for a laugh. The point is that elective surgery is done with a stable patient versus emergency surgery carried out whilst the patient is compromised and already very ill. Recovery of elective v emergency is usually smooth and rapid.

I certainly don’t. I simply think, that as she has been putting it off for six years, she’s had time to think in detail about what help she’ll need, whether that’s paid help, support from her daughter’s school, or asking individual friends and family members to contribute a specific thing, and to put it in place. That’s a far more sensible approach than worrying herself sick, hinting to her son, then asking him at the last minute and being disappointed he’s not volunteering more. The only behaviour the OP can control here is her own, and it makes sense to put her effort into organising her own care.

Vocational degrees like nursing and allied health professions expect close to 100% attendance.
Some students want to attain a firsts. Some NEED to attain a 2:1 to continue in their desired path. Maybe he doesn't want to f*ck up his one opportunity that he will be paying for for the rest of his life.

He doesn't want to go home for more than the day of the op. Doesn’t matter what a uni teacher on here thinks he could do.

Ok- but what if later in the year he is actually ill, or is involved in an accident or something, and that means his attendance dips below he 75% minimum required attendance (or whatever the level is)? Consequences will be his, not OP’s, and I don’t think that is a fair ask. A few days- ok, but 2 weeks (or more if all not going to plan)- no, I don’t think it is.

i don’t think OP should put off the surgery, which it sounds like she very much needs, but she has had time to put plans in place and hasn’t done so, which I think is a mistake. She has known that she needs this surgery, that she would need to organise support, as a parent with limited support she did need to think more ahead, I think, and the fact she didn’t is causing her more stress, unfortunately.

I do realise that OP has not been feeling well and that some of that is outwith her control (ex-husband working abroad, no contact with parents). And, I can see that she is in a difficult position as I would not be overly keen to lean very heavily on friends- but she could have asked them to help a little bit. I would do what I could for a good friend, I imagine most others would too. It might not be everything they need, or every day needed, but I would do what I could.

I do think she will need to have some form of back up plan in the event that her recovery is not as smooth as we would all hope and she needs help for a bit longer. I’m not trying to be cruel to the op, what is done is done- but she now needs to have a plan for the unexpected too.

He is an adult. whether you think he morally should help her isn't going to change anything. What exactly do you think OP can do to make him help? Ground him? Take away his x-box?

I think we can safely say he’s not training to be a nurse. 😌

I’m very supportive of high achievement, I got a double first, but I didn’t go to every single lecture. Either way as has been said, DS could contact the uni for workarounds to minimise disruption.

I haven’t said she can make him. Clearly she can’t. Clearly he will do what he likes. I’m simply saying he should. I suggested she organise carers or a part time nanny to cover her.

This is a very sensible post !
There is the saying “Your failure to plan does not constitute my crisis.” This is a planned operation. There are many people and institutions OP can and should call on. Yes the DS should do a bit, but perhaps his reluctance to step up is because he knows he will be expected to do everything when lots of other options exist.

It's also costing him £9500 a year to attend uni (and that's just tuition fees). Based on a 38 week year, that is £250 a week, is OP going to reimburse him £500.

Surely a 10 year old missing 2 weeks of school is less significant than a 21yo missing 2 weeks of university. I'm not surprised he has said he will only help out on operation day.

I think it's worth adding as well from son's perspective that he will get basically zero grace if he does take time out to care for his mum. Is OP planning on funding an extra year at uni if he flunks this year because he's spent it being her nurse? I understand that she's in a difficult position but the last person I'd be asking to help is my young adult child tbh.

Why? student nurses would be dealt with severely for missing 2 weeks of uni?

If this is NHS surgery there is a good chance it will be cancelled on the day and rescheduled, so this needs to be factored in for both OP and her DS.

Op I think I would just ask him and be really clear about what the expectations are from him. I'd also think about whether you could hire in a cleaner for a few hours during the week and get shopping delivered etc so you're reducing the overall amount he needs to do and so you can be really clear on what his tasks will be relating to your dd. At 21 he's old enough to understand this is a massive operation and while he may not be emotionally equipped to deal with it all, he is more than capable of stepping up for a few key tasks. I'd also be supporting your dd to learn how to do a few things for herself now so that when the time comes she can help out as well. You are the parent but your son is an adult and there's no harm in expecting an adult child to support you in a particular situation. You will also need to have plans in place for dd incase you need to stay in hospital longer than you're foreseeing though hopefully that won't be needed. If he's only in uni two days a week then he should be able to spend the first 5 days post op at home.

I would also speak to the hospital to see what support packages you can avail of from community nursing perhaps.

It's not so much the lectures but the hours of independent study in labs and libraries that go alongside it. In their final year. St a point when first semester modules are coming to an end. There is no way I would f#£k up my son's final year when I could use cabs, childminders and order food in.

And I disagree with you. You help family when they need it, if you can. Not at all costs. Not if it has negative implications for something important. Do I think op’s DS should refuse to help out at all? No. But 2 weeks- perhaps longer if all does not go to plan- and being the sole source of any help needed? No, he should not be missing university for that length of time.

we all have some degree of obligation to family- assuming we have a good relationship. But that doesn’t mean we do anything and everything asked of us. I also think that OP’s DS also has an obligation to his studies, to himself and his future, and missing prolonged periods of time from university could potentially jeopardise that. He may well have compulsory classes and minimum attendance to think about- even if missing 2 weeks to care for op does not take him to that threshold, if he is unwell himself later in the year, it could cause issues. It’s perhaps not the most likely scenario, but it is a consideration.

I’d also say his mother has obligations too- she cannot help needing surgery, or that her ex-husband and father of her children is not available to provide support, but she has known she needs surgery and failed to organise any care for herself despite knowing it was needed. And is refusing to ask anyone else to help too. In his position, I would also be annoyed that she was trying to place responsibility for her care, and for that of my 10 year old sister, onto me without consideration of my circumstances. In his position- you only get one shot at university and he may have plans that require certain grades etc- I’d be reluctant to do anything that could impact negatively on that. Also, if there is no back up plan in place, I’d be even more reluctant to agree- once there helping out it would be hard to leave than if you just were never part of the plan.

Sorry, but he sounds like real selfish little pratt and couldn't give a shit about you.

Maybe Social Social Services or your daughters school can help you out.
Or a neighbourhoid grouo.

l had a full hystrectomy years ago and really found out who my realn friends were when l needed help
.
Hope you get support.

X

Because he might have a better idea of what the operation involved and more compassion for his mum if he were? And he wouldn’t be naive enough to vaguely think that the hospital will “send help”.

If Op mainly wants help getting her daughter to school for possibly a couple of weeks I would have thought that that isn't really doable for her son.

So if he can only help with that on the day of the OP then surely it's best that Op knows this & can look into other options?

Well if he falls off a cliff he can negotiate that too with the university.

If OP fell off a cliff he’d have to negotiate that too,

I think it's sad that your son isn't willing to do more. I've only read a few posts other than the ones from OP, but I'm amazed how many people think it is wrong to ask for help from a grown up child!

@Silentlysinging I don't know if it's already been mentioned as thread is too long to read the whole thing but have you considered contacting nanny agencies for some short term help with your daughter?

Negotiate it in the form of retaking the year at the cost of another £9500 of fees and another year of living expenses. Cheaper for OP to employ a private nurse for 2 weeks or a live in nanny!

I don't think the nhs does anything for a laugh. The point is that elective surgery is done with a stable patient versus emergency surgery carried out whilst the patient is compromised and already very ill. Recovery of elective v emergency is usually smooth and rapid.

'Very smooth and rapid' is an incredible and incorrect assumption about elective surgery. It completely depends on the surgery and the person. Elective surgeries would include cancer operations which are some of which are incredibly complex.

A hysteroectomy via an abdominal incision is major and being able to rest properly afterwards can make the difference between being in pain for a few weeks vs. months. An organ is being removed. Have whatever opinion you like about OP asking for her son's help but it is unfair to downplay major surgery.