Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Don’t cancel the surgery. Tell him thanks very much but you should be aware surgery always comes with risks. If they don’t let me home that day you will have to stay with dd. She’s your sister and without me she’s your only immediate family, I know you wouldn’t just walk out on a 10yo whose mum was in hospital and leave her home alone overnight but I do need to remind you that might be needed so you have clean undies and a toothbrush. (You don’t know anything of the sort, he sounds very self centred. Did you make him help with things growing up?)

Have you asked him ?

100 per cent!! You have good days and bad days. Wishing you all the best in your recovery too!! Take it easy , you've also been through pregancy and have a baby to look after !! Xxx

I would actually ask him, be frank and tell him that you need this. If not possible, are you in a position where you can hire someone for school runs, or a home help that's willing to do various tasks for a couple of weeks?

I expected the poll to be hugely in favour of the OP. It’s amazing and disappointing to see the hard, cold tone shown in some posts.

It’s hardly your son’s fault that you are too anxious to ask your friends for help.

Why is the OP’s unwillingness to ask her friends for help her son’s problem?

Completely agree- there are some hard bitches out there!

Also OP prioritising her 10 year old primary school education over her 21yo final year at university.

She’ll need someone at home with her for a couple of days, plus she won’t be doing housework etc for a while, so it’s not just a case of catch a bus. Those of us who have been through it know the limitations post op.

She hasn't looked for other support.

She hasn't asked her 10 year old's father if he can take her or take emergency family leave.

She hasn't asked if surgery could be scheduled when her son is on break.

Son is in university and has classes.

For those wondering about health science degrees, here, if a student misses 3 classes in a semester, they're out. My youngest did her classes and clinicals with a few weeks on crutches. She missed one day because she was in the ER. Family having surgery, he would be out. That's a semester down the drain that he can't get refunded if he's in a program like that.

Honestly some people do not think. They simply assume you have something worked out.

Just ask him. I get this as I had to move country to get support with a medical issue. I probably could have got it where I was but too proud to ask.

Just ask him - tell you will need support for the first few weeks and ask him to move in for a period.

Are you helping your son financially when he is at uni? If so I would be having a discussion with him about having to cut down what you give him to get his sister to school. I would also be telling him how disappointed in his thoughtlessness and you will be rethinking how you treat him going forward

If the OP is likely to be kept in overnight after surgery, all the more reason for the DD to be away on a prearranged sleepover.
I really don’t get this desire to make the DS into a reluctant babysitter when other options exist but are discounted because OP is too shy to ask. I would happily look after one of DS friends for a night or couple of nights at that age under those circumstances.

I'm sorry that you feel you have received abuse OP.

I think you should have been clearer in the ask from your son up front. You hoped he would offer, he didn't and you (correctly) interpreted that as him not wanting to. That is what it is, you may have hoped for more but he is not willing to stay for longer. It sounds as though you are a little disconnected from his life as you describe it as hanging out in libraries. I expect there is more than that.

It is a shame you cannot call on friends of yours or your daughters to help. This is something I would and have done for friends (and friends of my DC) when they have needed help with school runs for medical and work related reasons.

In your shoes I would

• ask 1 or 2 school parents who live close by or who my child was friendly with if they could help by collecting her from school with their DC and dropping her home. Or giving her tea and dropping her home
• ask the school if they would pass on my details to any of the wraparound staff to see if they would be willing to drop and pick up my DC for a week or so paid)
• see if a local childminder or agency would be able to do short term wraparound care for my child (eg koru kids or sitters)
• if all else fails then a friend has been a foster carer for a child whose parent was in hospital and unable to provide care. I would have asked friends, acquaintances, neighbours and absolutely anyone I could think of before this step.

You need the surgery, you can't choose when to have it, you may be able to cobble something together but you will have to ask. Doing nothing about it for 7 years hasn't worked out for you. Try something different now.

Yanbu to expect some support from your son, unfortunately now many grown ups have teenager mentality "I didn't ask to be born so I can't deal with any problems". Probably didn't help that his father wasn't a good model of responsible grown up. In my family my father, my grandfather, my uncles took care of their mothers when they were sick, they took leave at work and stayed for months if needed.

i agree some posts are harsh and I can see op says she has had some awful messages, which is just awful.

But I’m not surprised many don’t think it right op relies on her son, who is studying away from home, to be her sole support for her and her 10 year old daughter for a prolonged period of time when he should be attending his university course. Especially given the fact that she has not looked at other sources of help, or even asked friends, despite having plenty of time to put plans in place. She also has no back up plan for unforeseen complications whereby she requires help for longer than a few weeks. That is, frankly, not reasonable of OP. If he is being a bit selfish, she has also been unthinking in her lack of preparation and consideration of the impact on him.

I think it is fair to ask for some help from him, as he is able, but op does need to look at other sources of support.

Many of us are aware that missing weeks worth of university work is probably going to be hard to catch up. Furthermore, there are other considerations, such as missing compulsory sessions and not hitting minimum attendance requirements which could cause significant problems for him. Perhaps two weeks won’t take him to that threshold now, but it could further down the line if he were to be ill himself at a later date in the year. If he has to repeat, he’s the one who has to fund the extra year of study, not OP.

You are being totally unreasonable.

You haven’t asked for his help?!

Come back when you’re asked and he’s said ‘no’!

Hes’s 21 and living in his own bubble!!

If he falls off a cliff and doesn’t make it there won’t be any more expenses

It feels like now is a good time to remind people that the option of reading all of OPs posts exists by using the top right funnel.
OP has discussed this with the DS and he has agreed to stay during and post surgery on the day, but not overnight.

Your husband should take time off.

I’d also question why it is acceptable for her son to miss 2 weeks (potentially more) of his university education, but not ok for his 10 year old sister to miss even a day of her primary school education. It could be an area to compromise on, but op would need to speak with the school. She should do so in any case, if she hasn’t already done so.

I also think it unfair to put responsibility on the son whilst accepting that Dad can opt out- he might be abroad but given enough notice he could have attempted to organise himself to be there. I suspect he would have refused or made excuses, from what op has said- but I don’t think she has actually asked him.

Especially given the fact that she has not looked at other sources of help, or even asked friends, despite having plenty of time to put plans in place. She also has no back up plan for unforeseen complications whereby she requires help for longer than a few weeks. That is, frankly, not reasonable of OP. If he is being a bit selfish, she has also been unthinking in her lack of preparation and consideration of the impact on him.

This. OP wants her son to do everything she needs help with,and thinks she shouldn't have to ask the DDs dad, or her elderly aunt, or any friends, any DDs friends parents, the school, neighbours, work colleagues, anyone. I assume OP is embarrassed to ask those people as it shows she hasn't got a support network around her but her son shouldn't have to cover all her needs to save her embarrassment or to make up for her not having connections with others.

He should help as much as he can but the OPs expecting him to be the only support, and that's not fair. It's also not fair to say his days are spent swanning round grand coffee shops and libraries, being a student is his 'job' and he'll have plenty of debt to show for it and needs to put in the work he needs to do for it to be worthwhile.

OP has had several years knowing this surgery was coming, but has made no plans and no connections with others and is now annoyed that her son won't fill all the gaps she hasn't filled for herself. That's not fair.

Many of us have been through major surgery with young dc. Of course it isn't easy but you can't force an unwilling g 21yr old to assist. You leave the hoovering for a couple of weeks or ask the perfectly able dd to have a quick round round with it.

The op needs reassurance that it will be fine not suggestions for carers or social services.

This has been on the cards for years, I'm sure other parents will help with drop offs if needs be.

I'm really surprised by this. Places will differ of course, but in my role I meet with 3 universities offering nursing and they would be more flexible about misding 2 days. On taking advanced practice courses I have also missed clinical skills sessions due to IVF but I was supported by lecturers to catch up.

OP has likely been waiting a very long time for this, it's unlikely to be realistic to reschedule it. This is before factoring in the doctors strike over Christmas.