to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

Seems reasonable to give her money. We are going to my DDs and we have all given her £50 towards the food. Even my DM who isn't part of a couple and will obviously eat less. It's expensive hosting Christmas.

I thought this was a reverse it's so unreasonable. If you don't want to contribute to the cost of your sister hosting then stay at home with your perfectly paired wine and spaghetti hoops.

One bottle of wine between how many adults? Obviously not everyone drinks wine, but those who do are likely to want more than one glass.

Not offering to contribute when she hosts every year is downright rude.

£30 for at least 3 people is hardly like she's milking it and making a fortune.

Everyone chips in for our Christmas dinner. Last year was £17.50 each and £10 for kids. My family, being polite people, stated after the second year at our house that they wouldn't be coming unless they were allowed to share costs as they knew hosting 15-26 every single year costs a lot.

If there is a communal cost, arguably, there should be a communal shopping list.

Well it is poor form, but it’s not unreasonable to flag that she can’t afford the whole cost for everyone…. I think if she’d asked people whether they’d contribute some cash for the shopping in advance it would have been better. I don’t blame her for wanting to organise it and not want your random Sainsbury’s trifle and 6 tons extra potatoes as contributions … you’ll have to update whether she serves 1 small chicken and 2 bottles Pomagne between 8 and walks away with a profit.

One of the friendship groups I’m in - and it’s one of the best ones social wise because no one gets pissed off with anyone else not reciprocating - whoever hosts buys the food AND the services of a cleaner for afterwards - and those costs are split between everyone else attending. The hosts contribution is their house, shopping and cooking. Everyone else’s is driving & finances. As a result, no one minds hosting and we meet often. It’s all very well saying host should pay for all or not invite, but the end result of that is no social life.

Whenever I was invited each person was asked to provide something specific...alcohol, the meat, dessert, veg, etc etc. no cost to the host other than the cost of cooking obviously.

Sister isn’t offended by the Nigella jokes! Do your family not have little jokes about each other? We’re always joking about me that you have to tell me a time half an hour before you want me because I’m always running late but I’m not offended either 😂

I think £30 is a bargain.
It’s sad that they had to even ask. YABU; I guess if you were perhaps more generous then they wouldn’t have. Hosting Christmas costs a lot.
Otherwise, you could bring the wine and the crackers ….and then add some chocolates, soft drinks, maybe a pud or two and some side dishes.

If she doesn’t normally ask and it’s out the blue then maybe they are struggling with costs or she’s sick of you not offering anything apart from a nice bottle of wine (really that’s just a given to bring wine even with a contribution). Really if you turned up and they brought out spaghetti hoops on toast I don’t believe for one second you wouldn’t be disappointed. If she hosts why don’t you offer to pay for the whole dinner pretty sure the £30 she’s asked for will look amazing

I think it depends, like if they host Christmas every year (and she does all the work with little help) and they don't have high paying jobs/ a lot of wealth then I wouldn't mind paying especially in the current economic climate.

But then on the other hand if it was the case that she can definitely afford it and you almost helped loads with the prep and your family were all travelling a few hours and shelling out for fuel and hotels, then I'd think she was being tight.

But if it was me and I was in this situation, I would probably speak to you first and say "I can't really afford to do Christmas every year at the moment, what would you like to do? E.g. take turns/subsidise financially." And come to an agreement. Equally, now she's suggested charging you and you aren't happy about it, you could have a conversation about potentially agreeing on costs or offering to host every other year where you would be able to have less fancy food.

Yes, it's a lot. I would feel funny asking people for cash, but TBH, if we always went to someone's every year, I would speak to them about giving some money in advance. It's not always easy to take dishes, because that can be another hassle for the host, with storage and heating etc. Even not charging for all the labour, how much would it have cost to host everyone for the last decade, or whatever?
A couple of years ago my FIL said he'd buy the turkey, then went mad when he realised how much it cost.

I'd love to pay £30 and have someone who is a really good cook, cook and host for me. It's only fair if it's not shared out every year.

I used to alternate hosting with MIL but she is 81 now and doesn't want to cook it any more (fair enough!) I'll suggest next time that we split the courses between us.

Interesting that your husband is a “bit of wine buff” and picks a wine that “pairs perfectly with the turkey” but your sister “is a bit of a food snob” and has “main character energy”. I wonder if the wine would pair perfectly with spaghetti hoops on toast.

If you don’t like your sister, don’t go. You want your kids to spend time with their cousins. You call the Covid years sad. So it is an experience for you. So yes, if you want to call it an admission price, that’s fair because it is the experience you want.

I wouldn’t mind. I host DH family every year. It costs a bomb and is a lot of work. They bring offerings and that’s great but if we were hard up I’d ask for a small donation.

It could be that she's got fed up with hosting people who provide a bottle of wine (which they then drink) and a few cheese crackers. We have had similar at a regular family get-together, and in the end DH and I got sick of it and pulled back.

But actually I can tell you as the one cooking, people offering to bring dishes is quite unhelpful.
Anything that's been pre-cooked is never as nice as freshly cooked, and anything else then needs to go in the oven at all different times when the host probably wants to be able to carefully plan out timings with a proper overview of all the cooking needed through the day and when stuff needs to be ready by.

Also people often just want to bring a side dish because it's far cheaper than making a proper contribution - a dish of pigs in blankets and some potatoes probably comes to barely £12, the real costs come in the massive stuff like the turkey, large meat joints etc, booze.

Some people are so cheap, bloody stop taking advantage of the hosts!

Asking for cash is a bit cold but I'd love to hear your sister's side of events. You stay she is hosting you, your DH and children (so at least 4 people?) and you bring ONE bottle of wine and some crackers. You are basically drinking what you bring! I'll bet your DH makes sure he brings something which isn't plonk on that basis! On top of that she is also hosting your grandparents and other extended family and children. She may well be fed up of hosting just because you have all decided she is "central".

I can see why she doesn't want people bringing side dishes, desserts etc necessarily. My experience of taking people up on offers like that is e.g. people offer to bring a chocolate-y dessert but then change their mind and rock up with a lemon cheesecake - which someone else has already provided! Or someone says they will bring a Christmas pudding and then produces some horrid, bargain basement offering which no-one eats.

I bet if you had been consistently bringing a decent selection of wine, nice nuts and nibbles, luxury chocolates, crackers - lots of things that you can't really go wrong with she wouldn't be demanding that people now pay for dinner.

Yabu!

Agree. I wouldn't dream of charging people for hospitality.

If the sister wants a communally prepared / paid-for meal, she is not a host, she is an organizer. And the other parties need to get input into the menu, timing, quality of ingredients, etc.

We give my Sil £200 to do Christmas dinner, even tho we've not been there for the last 5 years due to moving to a different town. There are only two of us and we want her to ge able to get what she wants and she does dinner for the whole family. We are moving back to town this year but not till 22 December so I hope we can start sharing the burden with her from next year.She has never asked, we just transfer the money. Why would you not want to contribute?

Are you at least bringing a decent bottle of wine, Barolo for example? Or some cheap bottle from Aldi along with pack of crackers?

If you're bringing enough (decent) wine for a whole family surely that's more than £30 anyway? If that's what makes it easier for her I'd go for it. Given you say "children" I'm assuming there are at least 4 of you so £7 each for Christmas Dinner sounds pretty good!

If she was asking for £30 each I'd say jog on, particularly if she was refusing the more sensible suggestions that some people bring dessert, others drinks etc., but for that price it's a bargain, and if that works best for her so she can plan timings and sufficient amounts I'd be fine with it.

It is poor form … but it’s even worse form that you didn’t usually give a bit of cash towards the dinner