to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

@Delatron the sister is just doing it a different way, does it really matter whether the contribution is actual food/drink or money? It’s not charging, it’s contributing.

The sister is particular in what food she wants, possibly gets it from same shop, so for her getting monetary contribution is easier for her as the host.

In the 14 years you have hosted would you have been slightly miffed if no-one had ever contributed in any way?

If she was ripping you off and making you a profit I’d agree
but £30 you’ll be lucky if that even buys the turkey

as for the expensive wine that on you I doubt they even appreciate it to a lot of people wines wine if it is £10 or £100

This.

Doing it on a budget would be regarded as 'tight' or 'not in the spirit of Christmas ' with zero self awareness.

I must admit the amount of meat for one meal is pretty gross

Do you celebrate Easter too OP? Who hosts that?

Only white people things...

Pardon?

It won't be eaten in one meal though. It will last across multiple meals.

This bit annoyed me too. OP you sound so nasty in your posts. I think your eyes would water if you actually knew the cost your sister puts on having a nice family Christmas! You definitely need to host next year, ask your sister for £30 towards it.

In other cultures, the idea of charging your own family to attend a holiday meal would be genuinely unthinkable. This isn’t some fringe opinion, it’s a reflection of deeply rooted social norms around hospitality.
For example, in a lot of Arab cultures, hosting is viewed as an honour. Guests, even who aren't family, are treated with a level of generosity that’s almost ceremonial. If someone tried to charge relatives for a holiday meal, people wouldn’t even know how to process that idea. Hospitality is tied to dignity, not accounting.
In many African cultures, there’s a strong communal ethos where food is shared, not itemised. Family gatherings are collective, relational events, not transactions. The concept of sending your family a bill for attending a holiday dinner would contradict the entire social fabric that prioritises community over individual cost-splitting.
Across large parts of Asia as well, hosting and paying for guests is a point of pride. It’s extremely common for people to practically fight over who gets to cover the bill, even at restaurants, because providing for others is seen as a gesture of respect, care, and status. The idea of monetising a family celebration would be culturally incoherent in many contexts.
Let’s not pretend that charging family for a holiday meal is some universally accepted practice. In most portions of the world, it would be seen as not just unusual, but completely incompatible with the purpose of a family gathering.

I think financial contributions are ok in principle, but it should be an open discussion, not an imposed charge. That's the bit I have a problem with. Imo if you host, you get a lot out of it, like controlling all the elements of the meal. Charging seems unpleasant to me, whereas pointing out the costs and asking for some contribution is doing it in a more acceptable way.

Well why doesn't the OP host then?
It's not charging, it is asking for a small contribution because they are a) hosting every year and B) perhaps cannot afford the costs of hosting every year.

SIL started doing this. I really disliked it, felt very transactional. And the amount she asked for was far higher as well - would have paid for a meal in a restaurant. Like you, we always took wine, a dessert etc. She justified it by saying that the price included "all the drinks and snacks and crisps and sausage rolls and everything". It stung as we also had to pay for travel and accommodation there so was a very expensive Christmas! She only travelled to us once because her parents paid for a hotel for her to stay (we had offered for them to stay - it would have been cramped but that's Christmas). Her and her DH both have decent professional jobs.

I've got used to it now and have to accept that she is DH's family and that's just the way it is. We go out for meals together now and DH always has to pay for her (and her adult kids) or they won't come. They went on a day out in the summer (I was working) and when DH, our kids and his dad went for lunch to a coffee shop, she sat outside under an umbrella and ate a packed lunch because DH had decided to see what would actually happen as an experiment if he didn't agree to pay for her meal.

We live in the UK. There's an economic crisis.

The alternative is not to host.

Not sure why we are talking about other cultures on a thread about Christmas traditions anyway.

Your standards are very different from hers.
Although you say it’s the being together that’s important you probably do like having food that’s more than basic and if you don’t then others will.
Contributing a small amount will help offset some of the cost of your lovely meal, never mind the effort it all requires. Nothing cold about that.

Turning up at someone else’s house year after year after year for a shared event meal without contributing is rude in almost every culture. Hosts host, guests “contribute” either directly or indirectly almost everywhere. I’m from a cash gifts at weddings culture - the family hosts, but there is a reasonable expectation that the gifts will cover the expense. My mil always hosts and cooks our very expensive new year dinner but someone goes and helps (and helps pay) for the shopping. She is also not expected to pay if we go out and eat on a different day. My mum gives whichever of her dc she’s spending Christmas with about £100 cash towards the hosting. The OPs family have decided that the sisters house is all best for them and they are a bunch of cheeky fuckers that by year 2 nobody said “thanks so much for hosting, I’ve transferred you £50 towards the expense”. She shouldn’t have asked. She shouldn’t have needed to. “A bottle of wine and some crackers” ffs.

My dad has paid for the turkey and I've covered everything else. I think £10 per head is reasonable. Hosting christmas can be expensive especially including a variety of alcohol. You could stay home and cook? You don't have to go to your sister's.

In uk culture I would say that most people would expect some kind of tit for tat if the relationship was to be seen as valued by all

this can take a number of forms

alternative years hosting
hosting another big event such as the summer barbecue or an outing
bringing a lot of goods - including stuff the giver does not expect to see opened such whiskey when you don’t drink whisky but know the hosts do ,
Significant meal contributions such as the turkey cooked and wrapped ( more than one bottle and some crackers) ( even if they are posh )
financial contribution of the form “let me know what the turkey cost “ or in OPs case the cheese - offered not asked for

people may not abide by these but then the host will feel undervalued and once that happens the relationship is breaking down

in this case k think the host feels undervalued and is doing a lot of work and spending a lot of money for someone who takes them for granted. It should make the OP feel really guilty that they have let someone who does so much feel that they need to ask up front for the cost of the veg

even in other cultures I suspect there is more going on - you are the head of the family and it’s your way of passing wealth ( not a sister ) or over a lifetime everyone will give as much as they get ( you host the big wedding but go to lots of others ) . And this isn’t another culture

All of this is predicated on reciprocity and communality though. So different parts of the families take it in turn to host and it’s absolutely expected that you do your bit for the family. The demands and expectations of family are much higher in other cultures.

In a big Asian family, everyone would bring food and generous gifts. They may even club together financially to help the host out if necessary without being asked. Or along with their generous gifts put some cash in an envelope.

In OP’s case there’s no reciprocity. No year on year rotation to spread the cost, no generous gifts. Just a perfunctory bottle of wine and see you next year.

Exactly.

@TheKeatingFive

and I bet still a lot gets wasted

Absolutely. I host every year. What an absolute nightmare to have people turning up at different times with all sorts of starters and sides. My kitchen is quite small so it's pretty much a military operation. I can just imagine X forgetting the pigs in blankets or not having the sprouts on time because x is finishing his pint at the pub. No thanks.

I've hosted for many years and it costs a fortune. I've never 'charged' my family but in recent years they have all given me some cash towards it and it's really appreciated. I dont understand why OP is whinging about £30 for her whole family when she acknowledges she's not capable of cooking or hosting herself. It's such a small contribution for a family and much easier to transfer £30 than to go out and buy a selection of cheeses like she is suggesting. You must see OP that your bottle of wine, which your DH drinks anyway and a cracker selection (they're a couple of quid everywhere atm) is not a contribution at all really.

Normally I’m on the same page as you on this, the whole idea of embracing friends and family with food and hospitality. And I agree that in many cultures the host, regardless of their financial position, would not consider asking for a contribution.
However, the host in this case has been doing it for years and Christmas dinner, especially if done nicely, is very expensive.
She would not have had to ask for a contribution if each attending family, in recognition of the costs, had offered to pay for something, the turkey or the soft drinks or simply a fixed amount.

I would never do this. I would quietly suck up the cost, or not host at all if I couldn't afford it.

However, if I really wanted to spend time with family, and this was the gathering of the year, I would pay it happily. Times are hard and food is outrageously fucking expensive.

So you think only white people celebrate Christmas? Lol.