to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

I can understand why a small monetary contribution feels different to contributing dishes/wine (which could easily come to the same amount or more). In terms of the money, viewing it as a contribution rather than you as being paying guests might help - it made me think of being a student and occasions where someone would cook a special meal and we would all contribute towards ingredients.

I’m assuming it’s not the amount you begrudge, as you’d be happy to pay for things and make them yourselves. Is it that you resent your sister taking full control over the dinner rather than it being something you do collaboratively with everyone contributing? If you’re going to make a contribution - financial or in kind - do you want more control over/input into the dinner?

Why does your sister do it this way? Does she just get great joy out of cooking and hosting? Is she a bit controlling and show-offy generally, or is this her one ‘moment’ of the year where she probably feels like she gets to shine a bit and everyone enjoys the product? How I would feel would all depend on the context. The request for a financial contribution doesn’t sound unreasonable in itself to me but is it stirring up deeper feelings about something you find difficult about your sister?

As you’ve said your sister won’t allow you to make and bring food, I think you either have to decide how you’re going to raise it and have the conversation with her about how it makes you feel, or decide to let it go.

My dad always used to insist on paying for the meat at Christmas as I was usually cooking for 4/5 of us. I bought everything else including some wine.

I never asked for any money but he said he wanted to contribute which was really nice of him. My brother always brought several bottles of wine, good ones too, as he is quite knowledgeable and knows more about wine than I do.

I made sure we had lots of food, drink and lots of extras though.

Absolutely hilarious that someone thinks pigs in blankets are a "meat centrepiece" 🤣🤣. A couple of slices of turkey and gammon and a couple of pigs in blankets doth not a glutton make. It's one day a year where people generally like to elevate a roast dinner. It's been very common for decades to have more than one meat. Does a carvery leave you frothing with indignation that you are allowed 4 different meats on your plate? Your comment about 'yanks' was disgusting by the way.

I find the making of our family time transactional cold.

It's not transactional, though. You aren't paying her to host, or for her labour. She's asking for a contribution towards the cost of the food. It gets expensive and if she struggles to cover it, it shouldn't be a problem to pitch in. She's still doing all the work.

Errrr I never said a fucking word about race. I am commenting on someone saying about different cultures.

You are trying to make a gotcha.

Not working.

Other cultures celebrate Christmas...

We don't charge for Christmas dinner as a family. We all bring stuff - not a bottle of wine and some crackers. Several puddings, one of the roasts, the veg already done, stacks of wine/beer/spirits. You are being asked for £30 to cover the cost of your family's food (and cooking thereof). I can think of better ways to do it (our way, for example, where we essentially have a bring and share Christmas dinner - except the 'bring' is pre-ordered as it were, no-one turns up with 2 turkeys!) but your SiL is not being unreasonable in asking for a contribution. Surprised you have not offered before!

Keep trying.

Bloody gotcha baiting.

Next time say you don't want to contribute cash but you are happy to order the £85 turkey !

How am I baiting? I am genuinely confused by your comment. 'why are we mentioning other cultures when speaking about Christmas'? When other cultures literally celebrate Christmas. Stop deflecting by calling it 'gotcha baiting'.

Well it's not my problem to resolve your issues with comprehension.

Sorry.

I'm not taking the bait.

Why can't you answer the simple question? You obviously have issues with comprehension. Why can't people discuss other cultures when talking about Christmas? Do you actually think other cultures don't celebrate Christmas? Stop deflecting and answer the question.

I'm not playing. Bye.

Just say you're embarrassed because you said something really stupid and you cannot even explain or defend what you meant by it. It is so embarrassing that you think Asians, Africans, Middle Easterns do not celebrate Christmas. Did you know that Jesus is from the Middle East? Did you know he was born there? i.e. what Christmas literally is...

You could offer to host instead.....@OneTicketForChristmasDinner

I understand she insists on hosting but it also seems to work for you all. So if she's hosting every year I think it's OK she asked. It would be weird if people were taking turns hosting and she then asked for money.

Also, if you did bring a cheese board could easily cost 30 quid. This way she gets to retain creative control which is important for some people. Unless the issue is you are desperate to host (which is different) I'd see £30 as a bargain.

If it were my sister and she declined offers to bring anything substantial I would like to think I would have offered her some cash towards it, I hope it would have occurred to me.

I would be more than happy to contribute towards the cost of groceries if someone was cooking my Xmas dinner. I think it’s a great idea and stops it being expensive all on one person (or couple).
I would never turn up empty handed anyway (& crackers & wine isn’t what I mean), I always buy the turkey/meat and a posh pudding when going to my daughters. I’d save by just putting a share in, win win!

Presumably in these scenarios the host's generosity is reciprocated either by guests coming with generous gifts or reciprocating the invitation. I recently attended a no expense spared Indian wedding where the cash gifts given to the couple were eyewatering.

In OP's scenario, her DSis has hosted and paid for the Christmas Day meal for several years in a row (because of her central location) and her generosity has been reciprocated by an annual bottle of wine and box of crackers.

Would this be culturally acceptable in your experience or would the hosts think OP was being cheap?

You’re comparing two completely different things. Gift-giving or reciprocating an invitation is not the same as charging an entrance fee. In many cultures and plenty of households even within the UK, the expectation isn’t that guests repay the host through some equivalent monetary value. Hospitality is not a ledger. The gesture matters more than the financial calculus.
Bringing a bottle of wine, a dessert, or a small gift is very normal. It’s not meant to ‘balance the books’ it’s a symbolic contribution. And hosts who value the spirit of hospitality aren’t sitting there itemising who gave what and whether it covers the cost of the meal.
If someone has hosted for several years and feels overwhelmed, the usual solution is to rotate hosting, ask people to bring dishes, or set clearer expectations, not to start invoicing family members. Turning a holiday dinner into a transactional event changes the entire nature of the gathering.

I think it's rude to invite people to your home and then ask them to pay for the pleasure of your company. It's not the food you're going for; it's to be with family. If she can't afford to host a big Christmas meal (fair enough), but still wants to invite everyone to her house, then she could just have a drinks and nibbles party in the afternoon. Much cheaper and everyone would have more of a chance to mingle than sitting at a table eating a formal lunch/dinner.

That's a really good idea. Prevents money changing hands if you don't like doing that, but takes some financial pressure off the hostess and still leaves her free to cook as she likes.

The expectations have been set and the sister is the family preferred location / she is under pressure to provide and feeling it - and probably ( reasonably) annoyed that the pressure is all on her

edit to make clear - I don’t think it’s a genuine pure host invite it’s an arm twisted one

Wow. She puts in every year to host a lovely dinner and gets called a snob by you because she won't accept your contributions which are not up to par. Clearly you're bringing something inappropriate to her home and she would prefer to just have some cash to help cover the costs. £30 is so reasonable you should ask her how much it costs and offer to split/cover the costs as she's also putting in all the work! Wine and crackers is hardly going to cut it.

Well it seems you'll have extra crackers to eat all by yourself 😂😂 don't be a tightarse and pay the money it's not even that much

Of course, you are not being unreasonable!

She’s prioritising the wrong thing and forgetting the real value of family spending time together.

Just because shops have their ads on max to get us spending extra money at this time of year, doesn’t mean we should. Being with family shouldn’t require cash. People are completely losing sight of the big picture.