Page 27 | to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 2025-12-01T15:26:14+00:00

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

Harrishare30 · 01/12/2025 21:37

This totally depends on circumstances. When i was young my mum and one of her sisters had no money. I can remember they would have similar arrangements as they simply couldnt have afforded to cater for loads of people and it meant everyone could be together.
If your sister is well off and you take turns to host, or if your sister is well off and you are not, it is tight.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 21:37

Itstime1 · 01/12/2025 21:24

I host Christmas and a second date over the holidays for anywhere between 8-18.

We buy and cook for everyone and cater to 4 peoples dietary requirements with extra cost.

Not once in the 7 years we’ve been doing this have we charged or have they offered to pay😂Ive only been annoyed once and it was 2 years ago when the in laws stayed over for the whole break, I cooked every. Single. Meal. Breakfasts included. They didn’t offer a penny, or to even help clean up! (Or distract the toddler so we could clean up!) My family came for 3 big family meals over that time and at least helped with our DD!

I personally would never charge nor would I accept the money - it’s our way of giving to them for their help throughout the year and we don’t do adult presents so it works out for us!
but if I did cost it up? £30 wouldn’t even touch the sides for potato’s let alone the rest of my meal 😂😂 you’re getting an amazing deal OP!

No way we could afford this (to host for that many people)

Flatandhappy · 01/12/2025 21:38

I think it is off to ask for money if she has invited you, but thinking that bringing a bottle of wine and some crackers is an acceptable contribution is equally off.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 21:39

Harrishare30 · 01/12/2025 21:37

This totally depends on circumstances. When i was young my mum and one of her sisters had no money. I can remember they would have similar arrangements as they simply couldnt have afforded to cater for loads of people and it meant everyone could be together.
If your sister is well off and you take turns to host, or if your sister is well off and you are not, it is tight.

She has already explained she never hosts. The cost of living has gone up so much too maybe her sister can no longer afford to give a free Christmas meal to her entire family any longer and why should she? She has her own children the money could go on. Particularly as it’s not reciprocated.

rollerblind · 01/12/2025 21:39

Perhaps take the whole cheese board as well as the crackers… and a pudding, too!
no wonder she now charges- sounds like you take the mick…

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2025 21:39

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 21:19

I do like my sister, very much, we are a close family. I take umbrage with posters painting me as a villain and her as a victim, it’s really not the case. The facts are -

She has hosted Christmas for many years and refused every single one of my many offers to contribute dishes.
I contributed the permitted items of wine and crackers, few as they are.
She enjoys hosting and cooking.
She would not be prepared to have Christmas dinner at mine or even our parents (until the time comes that they are too elderly to make the journey).
I paid the money requested and said nothing to her or other family members about it.
I find the making of our family time transactional cold.

That doesn’t mean that she’s not a wonderful sister and we’re a close family, which I why I paid with no complaint to her.

Just moaned bitterly on here

MrsCillian · 01/12/2025 21:40

I host every year, similar to your sister. we have the biggest house in the most central location. I hate when people offer to bring a dish. I find it more stressful than doing the whole dinner myself. I like to know where everything is up to and have every hob and oven shelf accounted for.

I've never asked for money as a contribution, but it's been given in recent years, and is gratefully received. Much easier than relying on other family members to bring food with them.

RebeccaofSunnybrookFarm · 01/12/2025 21:40

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 01/12/2025 21:01

Okay, even IF the person bringing the potatoes is a vegetarian (I actually am!). Do you seriously think a bowl of mashed potatoes is even in terms of cost and effort to the person who will have cleaned and tidied and moved and set up tables and place settings and glasses enough for 20 people and is going to clean and tidy and reset afterwards? Napkins, bog roll, hand soap and washing up liquid alone for 20 people will cost more than potatoes, butter and a dash of milk!

Again, I think it's a lovely thing to do, and I'd love to take part in a festive gathering like that, but bringing a side dish of a vegetable to feed 20 vs providing meat to feed 20 (or 15 to account for vegetarians!) is SO not equal in monetary terms. That was the only point I was making.

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Well, the other 20 or so people (minus host and family) will presumably be bringing in food or drink as well? Hand soap and washing up liquid will be a fiver at most if you water them down. Loo roll, unless people are doing lots of poos, will be probably no more than a quid. As for cleaning afterwards: most people are probably going to drive or take the train down. Do you think train transport costs, petrol costs, wear and tear on a vehicle shouldn’t be taken into account? The host doesn’t have to travel so that’s a saving in itself.

CypressGrove · 01/12/2025 21:40

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 21:19

I do like my sister, very much, we are a close family. I take umbrage with posters painting me as a villain and her as a victim, it’s really not the case. The facts are -

She has hosted Christmas for many years and refused every single one of my many offers to contribute dishes.
I contributed the permitted items of wine and crackers, few as they are.
She enjoys hosting and cooking.
She would not be prepared to have Christmas dinner at mine or even our parents (until the time comes that they are too elderly to make the journey).
I paid the money requested and said nothing to her or other family members about it.
I find the making of our family time transactional cold.

That doesn’t mean that she’s not a wonderful sister and we’re a close family, which I why I paid with no complaint to her.

And in all those years you've never once thought to offer to say pay for the turkey? I can't believe she had to ask and you are complaining about such a small contribution.

Nearly50omg · 01/12/2025 21:43

“A” single bottle of wine and a few pence on crackers?!?! Seriously are you not ashamed and embarrassed to turn up to someone’s house where not just you but your children and I assume husband are also eating too???? Hundreds of pounds it will
cost them to feed and water you with alcohol or even soft drinks and you give them a single bottle of wine and some crackers!!!! 😳😳😳😳😳

raspberrieswithchocolate · 01/12/2025 21:43

@OneTicketForChristmasDinner
You think it's cold that she's asking for money for what is supposed to be family time. But that family time involves gathering together over a special Christmas meal. Again, as I asked a while ago, why do you believe she has to bear the full financial cost of this family gathering? Have you thought about how difficult it must have been for her to ask you this?

If you like her, and you're close to her as you claim, why haven't you insisted on contributing financially a long time ago? Help her in the way that will actually be useful to her. And be grateful that it's not you doing all the running around shopping, cleaning, cooking etc.

T1mesAreHardForDreamers · 01/12/2025 21:44

I don't think you deserve a hard time, and I do understand how this could make you feel the way you do, but I think you should reframe it for your and your sister's benefit, as I've read your posts and you referring to the situation as your sister "charging admission" or making family time "transactional" sounds quite cynical and dramatic.

It sounds like your sister is hosting at least 2 additional households for a big and special multiple course meal. I think contributing to costs is perfectly reasonable especially given the changes to cost of living over the last few years, and I think it would be gracious to allow her to continue doing what she enjoys, which is cooking her particular dishes that presumably you also enjoy eating.

So while you might prefer to bring dishes, would you really be spending much less thank thirty quid's worth of ingredients, energy, time and effort? It might be worth thinking about whether this is a hill worth dying on. It's Christmas after all and it sounds like you're downplaying how much effort it is for your sister to host and cook for everyone! I don't even host but I do cook every year, usually for extended family, and even that is exhausting.

Starandflowers · 01/12/2025 21:44

Your latest posts make you sound worse than your OP

It is not a transaction, it’s a contribution to an expensive day

The fact that you haven’t offered before now but gladly sit down and eat her food is more telling about who is the unreasonable one in this scenario

Delatron · 01/12/2025 21:46

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 01/12/2025 21:07

It ends (or just never begins) when the families take it in turns to host, or if it is a one off big bash like a 50th birthday party.

It is much smoother for the host to accept money and for them to buy and prepare all the dishes, IF they are happy to do so (As the OP's sister is).

Why the ever loving .... are you happy to spend money on and prepare and bring a dish but think that a cold hard cash contribution isn't just as valid and potentially a preferable and easier solution all around to the massive cost of Christmas?! Sounds like a personal preference made up difference to me.

OP has a partner and multiple children - let's say 2 for ease. £30 is a tenner each for each adult and a fiver for each child. Go ahead and find anywhere at all that you can eat a Christmas meal out on Christmas day for that price.

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That’s not hosting in my mind.

So you host a party and charge now? You charge people when you have a dinner party? My parents come and stay with me often. Shall I start charging them?

In my mind - you don’t charge family. It’s poor etiquette all round and pretty crass.

If you have a family where between you all you agree to chip in then I can see that’s different.

But if one person offers to host, accepts no offers of food or help but then charges people. That’s a bit crap.

lolacherricoke · 01/12/2025 21:47

Do you take crackers and a bottle of wine every year and are moaning that toy have to pay £30!!
as someone that hosts every year for 12 it costs me over £500 and my guests always offer to bring bits!!
just a bottle of wine and crackers is bloody cheeky on your part!!
i would hope you if you don’t help with good you buy her an amazing gift to show appreciation

cannynotsay · 01/12/2025 21:47

Woah you’re entitled

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 01/12/2025 21:49

Delatron · 01/12/2025 21:46

That’s not hosting in my mind.

So you host a party and charge now? You charge people when you have a dinner party? My parents come and stay with me often. Shall I start charging them?

In my mind - you don’t charge family. It’s poor etiquette all round and pretty crass.

If you have a family where between you all you agree to chip in then I can see that’s different.

But if one person offers to host, accepts no offers of food or help but then charges people. That’s a bit crap.

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Sounds like it’s the expectation that the sis will host now, after years of doing it that way - so not sure she is offering as such.

Extended family Xmas is not comparable to dinner with your parents.

WimpoleHat · 01/12/2025 21:50

Myfridgeiscool · 01/12/2025 15:30

If she hosts every year and is always picking up the cost then YABU.
If you catered last year and no one else contributed then YANBU.

Absolutely this. If she’s always the host, then I’m afraid a bottle of wine and some crackers isn’t remotely a fair contribution. If you host evenly (especially if you “did” Christmas last year), then she’s out of order.

As the person who always hosts (“you’ve got the big table”), it does get on my nerves a bit that people think that bringing a bottle of wine (which they invariably drink!) is a fair contribution; hosting takes a huge amount of time, effort and money. I was quite touched when one friend, who is single and basically doesn’t cook, insisted on taking my family to dinner last year, saying I’d cooked him so many lovely meals that he wanted to reciprocate. Most people don’t see it like that; if it’s at your house, it doesn’t count somehow.

Delatron · 01/12/2025 21:50

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 01/12/2025 21:49

Sounds like it’s the expectation that the sis will host now, after years of doing it that way - so not sure she is offering as such.

Extended family Xmas is not comparable to dinner with your parents.

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I guess she could always say no…

PorridgeAndSyrup · 01/12/2025 21:50

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 21:25

And yes, my grandparents were pioneer pin bearers. I assumed that it was fairly well known but maybe it’s more niche than I realised. I assumed that (like with contraception) younger catholics just didn’t pay it much mind, not that they didn’t know about it. I might make a point to go to church on Sunday to ask around to see if people know about the Pioneers.

I think it is pretty niche to be honest. I just googled it and it seems to be a very Irish thing. My husband is a French catholic, and wine and various liqueurs are an essential part of all family gatherings, and one of my grandparents is catholic (northern English), and there is one nephew on that side of the family who is tee-total because he became a born-again-Christian, and everyone else in the family thinks it's a bit weird he doesn't drink, and it's a bit of a talking point. At my DH's church, the British and other European Catholics always bring plenty of wine to church events (the Asian and American ones not so much). There are even loads of monasteries where monks still make alcohol (Buckfast and Chartreuse, off the top of my head).

Back to your main point, I can appreciate that you think your sister spends much more than necessary on Christmas dinner, and that's perfectly valid. If you were really hard up, it would be OK for you to say "look, we're hard up this year so we wouldn't mind a simpler dinner if it meant paying less". And she'd be within her rights to say "no, I like fancy food, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without it". And you'd be within your rights to say "well to be honest, we just can't afford it so if that's how it is then we'll just have Christmas just the 4 of us this year". But if you are going to go to hers and eat her food, I don't think it's unreasonable to chip in with the costs.

Nearly50omg · 01/12/2025 21:50

1 bottle of wine between 20 PEOPLE 😳😂🤣🤣

Screamingabdabz · 01/12/2025 21:54

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2025 21:34

Op has explained that

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Just because the parents are teetotal puritans doesn’t mean the sister and husbands x 2 wouldn't appreciate more than the regulation ‘one special bottle.’ Especially later on when they’re sitting chilling in the aftermath and the twinkly lights.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2025 21:58

Screamingabdabz · 01/12/2025 21:54

Just because the parents are teetotal puritans doesn’t mean the sister and husbands x 2 wouldn't appreciate more than the regulation ‘one special bottle.’ Especially later on when they’re sitting chilling in the aftermath and the twinkly lights.

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I am sure that they would but the OP has explained that they abstain apart from the one bottle of wine out of respect to their parents. Personally I wouldnt and they would have to get over it or not be guests in someone elses home, but thats what they as a family have decided.

Crispynoodle · 01/12/2025 21:58

Just a genuine question but does everyone buy their Christmas dinner in Harrods or Fortnums? Why on earth does a glorified roast cost hundreds? At most two meats may cost £50 (this is being generous) all the veg no more than a tenner, puddings again a tenner I’m struggling to get the cost up to a hundred!

TheHillIsMine · 01/12/2025 22:00

I think you're the tight one just taking some crackers and one bottle of wine