to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

I was wondering that! Both sides of my family are religious. The Protestants hardly touch it, the Catholics are total pissheads! Us Atheists sit somewhere between the two.

If you want to see how Catholics drink, go to a wake!

Since losing both our parents we go (family of three adults) go to my brother and family for the day. They put in a lot of time and effort making a delicious lunch and later on a lovely buffet. Their house is all cosy and welcoming with a log fire and we have the best time. They'd never ever ask for money towards it but I've always bunged them £50 in a card towards it and take wine, nibbles and a desert or two. I appreciate all the preparation it takes, the shop, peeling and I hope it continues for many years to come.

£30 for a family of 4 is nowt! I’d be giving that plus taking drinks/ treats for everyone and also a hosting gift for sister. It’s not just the cost of the food but all the prep/ cooking/ decorating/ sorting the house/ cleaning up after and the mental load of organising it all! Even if she brings it on herself (or whatever the words OP used) the sister is still saving OP a considerable amount of work and bringing the family together - which OP values as she still wants to attend for the cousins to be together.

I'm hardly youth. I'm in my 50s.
I'm not saying it didn't happen. I'm saying it didn't happen in my family or in any of my friends' families. My point is in my area, it's more usual for catholics to drink than abstain.

Crackers and wine is not going to cut it if she's having to spend £200 or more to feed everyone. I reckon that's how much I could end up spending on our group of 6, all things considered.

If you have to budget food costs carefully I think it's totally reasonable to ask for a monetary contribution. Alternatively, the bill gets passed on to a new family member each year, even if the host stays the same.

I’ve transferred the money. I still don’t like the thought, but if £30 is the price my sister puts on nice having a family Christmas so be it.

@OneTicketForChristmasDinner You still seem to begrudge contributing to a family Christmas. £30 pounds is a token amount, how can you complain about it?

Why do you believe your dsis should pay the full cost of Christmas dinner for you, your Dh, your children and your parents year after year? Surely you realise the significant cost involved? She shouldn't have to ask, you should have offered long ago.

Since she and her dh drink wine, you should give an extra few bottles for them to enjoy after the Christmas holiday, on top of your 1 bottle of wine and crackers contribution for Christmas day. Plus some other gifts they might like. It's the very least you could do to show your appreciation.

You should host Christmas for everyone next year, then you'll realise the time, cost and effort involved.

AIBU to think that pitching up with your family to your sister's house on Christmas Day with nothing but one bottle of plonk and a packet of crackers is poor form?

I think it’s incredibly generous for your sister to host every single year, particularly for people who are so judgemental. She must put in hours and hours of work and is simply asking for a nominal amount of money to help out. And no, a glass of wine isn’t very helpful. And there’s only so posh a box of biscuits can possibly be - even if they’re the fanciest biscuits ever they can’t possibly be more than £10.

And yes it would be lovely if no one had to think about money and clearly she’s had years and years where she did this without needing the help, but she’s actually asked for help now and you’re being awful about it. Have you even asked her if she’s okay? Maybe things are really difficult and she feels awful about asking. Maybe she’s desperate to keep her family’s Christmas traditions going despite struggling to pay the rest of her bills. I’d honestly start at a point of concern if someone asked me for money who never has before after being really, really generous for years.

my husband and I host around 20 friends for thanksgiving and have done for almost 20 years now (well it started at 10 people but then the kids started arriving). We make piles and piles of food and it’s one of our favourite evenings of the year. This year we did actually consider asking our friends to chip in a bit. It’s now around £200 for the dinner and while we do all the work and the cleanup and the moving furniture and all that, it is affecting our budget for the month more and more each year. We felt weird about it so just asked people to bring desserts and wine and that helped a bit. But for family I’d hope we could have been more honest and explained that we were finding it a bit challenging and they’d be supportive.

I do like my sister, very much, we are a close family. I take umbrage with posters painting me as a villain and her as a victim, it’s really not the case. The facts are -

• She has hosted Christmas for many years and refused every single one of my many offers to contribute dishes.
• I contributed the permitted items of wine and crackers, few as they are.
• She enjoys hosting and cooking.
• She would not be prepared to have Christmas dinner at mine or even our parents (until the time comes that they are too elderly to make the journey).
• I paid the money requested and said nothing to her or other family members about it.
• I find the making of our family time transactional cold.

That doesn’t mean that she’s not a wonderful sister and we’re a close family, which I why I paid with no complaint to her.

We always gave my MIL £150 to cover a long weekend of food. It’s soooo expensive doing Christmas dinner. I think £30 is reasonable. I totally understand her asking due to the cost of food/drink.

Given the pressure most people are under, I think it's a bit off she had to ask, to be honest. I would've offered.

But OP brings some crackers and a bottle of wine - could she be more generous??!

I host Christmas and a second date over the holidays for anywhere between 8-18.

We buy and cook for everyone and cater to 4 peoples dietary requirements with extra cost.

Not once in the 7 years we’ve been doing this have we charged or have they offered to pay😂Ive only been annoyed once and it was 2 years ago when the in laws stayed over for the whole break, I cooked every. Single. Meal. Breakfasts included. They didn’t offer a penny, or to even help clean up! (Or distract the toddler so we could clean up!) My family came for 3 big family meals over that time and at least helped with our DD!

I personally would never charge nor would I accept the money - it’s our way of giving to them for their help throughout the year and we don’t do adult presents so it works out for us!
but if I did cost it up? £30 wouldn’t even touch the sides for potato’s let alone the rest of my meal 😂😂 you’re getting an amazing deal OP!

And yes, my grandparents were pioneer pin bearers. I assumed that it was fairly well known but maybe it’s more niche than I realised. I assumed that (like with contraception) younger catholics just didn’t pay it much mind, not that they didn’t know about it. I might make a point to go to church on Sunday to ask around to see if people know about the Pioneers.

It's not fair that one couple pays for everything. The usual way around it is that guests will bring food and drink - she clearly doesn't trust you to get what she wants. I have family that I'd feel the same about - they'd go off piste and it would annoy me.

I think you should have said to her years ago, "It's not fair you pay for everything. Let me know how much I can contribute."

As it is, £30 for a family on Christmas Day is incredibly cheap.

The thing is even if she did a plainer Christmas dinner, it's going to cost a lot now. You're not paying for fancy food here, you're just making a contribution.

If you're that close, maybe have a chat and she what she's thinking, instead of moaning (and tbh, looking pretty tight)...and I say that as someone who's every pound's a prisoner.

I think you lost us when you told us she had main character syndrome combined with your wholly ungenerous contribution to the day, topping off the ungratefulness with saying you’d be just as happy with spaghetti hoops.

……then suggesting that she was the cheeky one.

Cheesy leaks? What’s wrong with her? I wouldn’t want to sit next to her! Or did you mean leeks? 😜

• I find the making of our family time transactional cold.

But that’s a very subjective POV purely because she has asked to spread the financial cost.

You could view it as making sure you don’t take advantage of her financially. You could view it as offering to spread the cost. All mucking in to make sure no one ends up with the massive bill every year.

Suppose she suggested you deliver the turkey? As a dinner course. Would that offend you as ‘transactional’ ? It would cost you a lot more than £30.

Im struggling to see your objection.

You’ve repeatedly offered to contribute (through dishes). She’s taken up your offer to contribute, but through a mechanism that better fits her plan for the day.

You seem to have decided it’s an admission ticket prices and a transactional arrangement and that you’d be blocked from
participating If Dont pay. But there doesn’t seem to have been any suggestion of that. Just a fairly reasonable request to adjust the form of the contribution you say you repeatedly offer.

Why only one bottle of wine though? I don’t get it. If three people are drinking you’d still have a couple of glasses each at the very least and that’s the best part of two bottles.

I understand why paying for Christmas dinner with the family feels off, but equally you’re quite stingy aren’t you? I’d be laden down with drinks and chocolates and nibbles to bring along. I only have to host a book club evening and my mates all fill my kitchen with yummy edibles and wine - it’s what people do!

Op has explained that

I went to Nando’s and spent £50 (family 4) on some very basic chicken and chips with a couple of PIP drinks and water/coke.
Times are tough and she’s not asking for much money…£30….. a contribution. It’s not really transactional… not in my view anyways. Stop being a grinch, it’s time and effort (to cook) and a fancy Christmas dinner with family! Putting a cost on that is priceless. Also a more expensive bottle of wine and slightly fancy crackers is hardly much… glad you put your hand in your pocket!

I appreciate that you are making a really nice and good quality contribution. But for whatever reason your sister doesn’t want an “in-kind” donation she wants to do it her way and wants cash and I think that’s fair enough. it’s also easier with cash for her to budget what she can spend on it all.

When we go to my sister-in-law, we always transfer some money. It costs a fortune to host Christmas nicely and whilst neither of us are strapped for cash, we’re not that flush either. We don’t pay money when we go and stay normally (because sometimes they come to us) but we do for Xmas!

Then do that and save her the bother of catering for you and your kids. Really good luck getting it all for £30.