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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

999 replies

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 15:26

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

OP posts:
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usedtobeaylis · 01/12/2025 20:49

FlockofSquirrels · 01/12/2025 20:24

I’ve transferred the money. I still don’t like the thought, but if £30 is the price my sister puts on nice having a family Christmas so be it.

Good lord.

So after all of this you'll be hosting next year, right?

If I was the sister my Christmas spirit would be out the window. Entitled, ungrateful, mean spirited family.

YouveGotNoBloodyIdea · 01/12/2025 20:50

RabbitsNBears · 01/12/2025 20:46

many Irish catholics practice abstinence. My darling Nanny was from Cork and wore a 'pioneers pin' and refused to have alcohol under her roof. Another old tradition sadly dying out.

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indeed - the Pioneers were very well known in my catholic childhood - I remember the badges!

SomethingFun · 01/12/2025 20:51

I’m surprised anyone has anyone at all round for anything as the resentment is palpable from guests who have been asked to do anything other than consume.

I’d love to understand how if you the host spend £100+ on meat and your guests bring potatoes and green beans then you end up quids in because there (might) be leftovers.

TheAlertLimeSnail · 01/12/2025 20:51

For everyone saying that if you can’t afford to pay for everyone’s food at Christmas, you shouldn’t host; what if nobody in a family can cover the full cost? Should those families just sit alone in their own houses at Christmas because no one meets this arbitrary affordability test?

It’s such an odd, and frankly unChristmassy, bit of logic.

In our family, and it sounds like OP’s too, the host is usually chosen on practical grounds; the most central location, who can actually fit everyone, etc. It feels completely unfair that the person who happens to make the most sense logistically is then expected to fund the whole meal as well.

usedtobeaylis · 01/12/2025 20:51

wrongthinker · 01/12/2025 20:45

So have your own Christmas at home and don't invite anyone? Bet you still can't do it for £30. And honestly, your food sounds basic - a Sunday dinner, essentially. Your sister goes the extra mile and clearly you take advantage of her generosity. But even if she cooked something as basic as you describe, it would still be costing her a lot of money and you should still contribute.

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My Christmas dinner is basically a Sunday dinner. We're basic in this house 😁

It still mounts up, especially this year.

lifeturnsonadime · 01/12/2025 20:52

I'm sensing that OP doesn't really like her sister!

TheaBrandt1 · 01/12/2025 20:52

Next year you host everyone and tell us how that goes 🙄🙄.

Guests often massively over estimate their own meagre contribution faffing on about it being a particular type of cracker 🙄. Thats a drop in the bloody ocean love.

Delatron · 01/12/2025 20:52

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 01/12/2025 19:54

Why though, when it's more hassle to have people bringing bits and bobs in different sized and shaped containers that may or may not fit in your oven (whereas you know your own kit), that may or may not be better prepared on the day of rather than the day before, etc etc. if there are 5 different bottles of red wine what a faff to work out who wants which one, or oh no Uncle Jo forgot the potatoes and now everybody is sad or you have to have back ups in anyway. It cost each person money and time to buy or make those dishes, but it's somehow less acceptable to ask for a monetary contribution and have one person buy and do it all?!

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You just can’t charge family for dinner.

Where does it end? Every time people host a dinner party they say ‘that’ll be £30 each’

It works absolutely fine for people to bring dishes. We do it every year. MIL brings cheesy leaks! SIL brings a cheese board. I wouldn’t dream of charging.

It is more acceptable to bring these contributions than to ask for cash. You can’t charge people when you are hosting them. You may as well all go out for dinner!

Or never host .

crazeekat · 01/12/2025 20:53

£30 prob not cover her electric bill for a day when hosting Xmas, cooker and over on all day, heating, kettle, hot water. Tv and music in multiple rooms. And that’s before even buying all the food, drink, snacks etc. I think she is being extremely generous.

HeadyLamarr · 01/12/2025 20:55

You're judging her for being a food snob while your DH is a 'wine buff' and you think buying gravy from the supermarket is ok for the biggest meal of the year.

Your poor sister. You're being a twat.

Littlejellyuk · 01/12/2025 20:57

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 20:41

I won’t partly because I know she won’t come. I’m putting the family first by going to Christmas at her place and paying the money she asked for. Like I said before, she’s really into her food and clearly doesn’t think that my food is what she wants for Christmas Day. I know everyone will be screaming about spaghetti hoops, but I can make a nice simple Christmas dinner. Turkey, pigs in blankets, stuffing balls, roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, mash, carrots, sprouts, and peas. I can already hear the disappointment about shop bought gravy (the fancy stuff in the packet - not Bisto!) and not honey roasting the carrots. Everything she makes is in a sauce with herbs and nuts sprinkled on top and that’s not the kind of cook I am.

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Do you prefer to eat simple plain food OP?
My dad did, but he had an ulcer, so couldn't have Spice etc. 🤔

If you don't want to eat her food, with the nuts, sauce and herbs sprinkled, then maybe don't attend and have a simple christmas dinner at your own house and visit her on boxing day? 🤷‍♀️

Shhhhitsmagic · 01/12/2025 20:59

This is the most ridiculous thing i've read on here! Wine and crackers? 😂
Do you have any idea how much a Christmas dinner costs (even a basic one?)
I host every year and it costs me around £300. I don't ask for money but everyone contributes at least £50 per family and won't take no for an answer!
YABU

SomethingFun · 01/12/2025 21:00

Most expensive biscuits for cheese on Waitrose are £7.50 and they come in a naice tin 😁 But perhaps they cannot all be eaten in one sitting and therefore the sister profits off this by being able to eat biscuits for cheese when the op isn’t there? 😁 I couldn’t live with this level of miserliness, it must be exhausting making sure no one gets an extra penny more that you think they should

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 01/12/2025 21:01

RebeccaofSunnybrookFarm · 01/12/2025 20:43

“If one person (or couple) is buying two turkeys and a large ham and another person is buying potatoes, it isn't even remotely even.”

Yeah, but the person bringing the potatoes isn’t going to be eating the two turkeys and large ham all by themself, are they? They might not even eat meat (lots of people are vegetarian or vegan nowadays), in which case the person or couple buying might actually be quids in.

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Okay, even IF the person bringing the potatoes is a vegetarian (I actually am!). Do you seriously think a bowl of mashed potatoes is even in terms of cost and effort to the person who will have cleaned and tidied and moved and set up tables and place settings and glasses enough for 20 people and is going to clean and tidy and reset afterwards? Napkins, bog roll, hand soap and washing up liquid alone for 20 people will cost more than potatoes, butter and a dash of milk!

Again, I think it's a lovely thing to do, and I'd love to take part in a festive gathering like that, but bringing a side dish of a vegetable to feed 20 vs providing meat to feed 20 (or 15 to account for vegetarians!) is SO not equal in monetary terms. That was the only point I was making.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 01/12/2025 21:02

Delatron · 01/12/2025 20:52

You just can’t charge family for dinner.

Where does it end? Every time people host a dinner party they say ‘that’ll be £30 each’

It works absolutely fine for people to bring dishes. We do it every year. MIL brings cheesy leaks! SIL brings a cheese board. I wouldn’t dream of charging.

It is more acceptable to bring these contributions than to ask for cash. You can’t charge people when you are hosting them. You may as well all go out for dinner!

Or never host .

Show quote history

The difference between a dinner party and Christmas, is usually the host decides to host a dinner party entirely of their own accord, whereas Christmas is a family get together, which just happens to be held at someone’s house because it has to be held somewhere (in OP’s case, due to location), but it remains a FAMILY gathering, so it’s not fair to foist all the expense on one person just because they happen to have the biggest dining table, or they live in the middle. And bringing a dish isn’t always practical depending on how far you’re travelling, how cramped your car is…

MermaidMummy06 · 01/12/2025 21:02

Our culture is different, I guess. It's usual for everyone to contribute an even amount food, drinks, and help out. We've tried the everyone pay thing but it still put too much work onto one person. The idea of one person cooking all day while everyone else enjoys is ridiculous. We usually have between 20-30 people, though.

I will admit it doesn't always go smoothly. Last year I hosted & DB was being casual about his bring list so I had to buy back up just in case, and everyone brought way too much food. Also only DM/MIL helped tidy up. My cousins sat on their butts all day socialising as some were visiting on holiday. This year I'm off to one of those cousins houses so will contribute my food & sit on my butt. So I guess it all works out ...

LiteraryBambi · 01/12/2025 21:04

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 20:21

I’ve been busy sorting dinner and helping my children with their homework and reading, I didn’t expect to get so many replies, and don’t have time to read every post before we start the bedtime routine. Even now every time I get to the end of the thread there’s 10 new replies to read.

I’ve transferred the money. I still don’t like the thought, but if £30 is the price my sister puts on nice having a family Christmas so be it.

I feel the need to defend myself again about the crackers and wine. The only people who drink the wine are sister, BIL and DH. My parents are devout catholics who don’t drink and raised us in the same tradition, and while I don’t go to church as often as I’d like, I also avoid alcohol and am the designated driver. Out of respect when we’re around my parents, DH, DS and BIL usually avoid booze altogether but make an exception to share a special bottle at Christmas. I think my dad would have a heart attack if we showed up with a case of wine and several bottles of spirits!! The crackers I have are the fancy crackers I know sister likes - multiple cracker types, flavours, and shapes. It’s not a half opened packet of Jacob’s like someone said.

As an aside, why do you think Catholics cannot drink alcohol? Jesus literally turned water into wine..... (wish I had that gift!)

Mamamia2019 · 01/12/2025 21:04

I wouldn’t dream of charging my family, and never have when I’ve hosted. It’s swings and roundabouts who hosts. But one year my millionaire BIL hosted and wanted to charge £60 per family.. it caused a bit of a drama and he ended up rescinding his request. No bad blood and we took some deserts and drink. I think he realised he was being a bit of a CF.

ClairDeLaLune · 01/12/2025 21:07

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 20:21

I’ve been busy sorting dinner and helping my children with their homework and reading, I didn’t expect to get so many replies, and don’t have time to read every post before we start the bedtime routine. Even now every time I get to the end of the thread there’s 10 new replies to read.

I’ve transferred the money. I still don’t like the thought, but if £30 is the price my sister puts on nice having a family Christmas so be it.

I feel the need to defend myself again about the crackers and wine. The only people who drink the wine are sister, BIL and DH. My parents are devout catholics who don’t drink and raised us in the same tradition, and while I don’t go to church as often as I’d like, I also avoid alcohol and am the designated driver. Out of respect when we’re around my parents, DH, DS and BIL usually avoid booze altogether but make an exception to share a special bottle at Christmas. I think my dad would have a heart attack if we showed up with a case of wine and several bottles of spirits!! The crackers I have are the fancy crackers I know sister likes - multiple cracker types, flavours, and shapes. It’s not a half opened packet of Jacob’s like someone said.

My family are all Catholics and we drink like George Best! Did Jesus not turn water into wine? Celebrating His birth with a few bottles of Burgundy’s finest is what He would have wanted I’m sure.

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 01/12/2025 21:07

Delatron · 01/12/2025 20:52

You just can’t charge family for dinner.

Where does it end? Every time people host a dinner party they say ‘that’ll be £30 each’

It works absolutely fine for people to bring dishes. We do it every year. MIL brings cheesy leaks! SIL brings a cheese board. I wouldn’t dream of charging.

It is more acceptable to bring these contributions than to ask for cash. You can’t charge people when you are hosting them. You may as well all go out for dinner!

Or never host .

Show quote history

It ends (or just never begins) when the families take it in turns to host, or if it is a one off big bash like a 50th birthday party.

It is much smoother for the host to accept money and for them to buy and prepare all the dishes, IF they are happy to do so (As the OP's sister is).

Why the ever loving .... are you happy to spend money on and prepare and bring a dish but think that a cold hard cash contribution isn't just as valid and potentially a preferable and easier solution all around to the massive cost of Christmas?! Sounds like a personal preference made up difference to me.

OP has a partner and multiple children - let's say 2 for ease. £30 is a tenner each for each adult and a fiver for each child. Go ahead and find anywhere at all that you can eat a Christmas meal out on Christmas day for that price.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 01/12/2025 21:08

OneTicketForChristmasDinner · 01/12/2025 20:21

I’ve been busy sorting dinner and helping my children with their homework and reading, I didn’t expect to get so many replies, and don’t have time to read every post before we start the bedtime routine. Even now every time I get to the end of the thread there’s 10 new replies to read.

I’ve transferred the money. I still don’t like the thought, but if £30 is the price my sister puts on nice having a family Christmas so be it.

I feel the need to defend myself again about the crackers and wine. The only people who drink the wine are sister, BIL and DH. My parents are devout catholics who don’t drink and raised us in the same tradition, and while I don’t go to church as often as I’d like, I also avoid alcohol and am the designated driver. Out of respect when we’re around my parents, DH, DS and BIL usually avoid booze altogether but make an exception to share a special bottle at Christmas. I think my dad would have a heart attack if we showed up with a case of wine and several bottles of spirits!! The crackers I have are the fancy crackers I know sister likes - multiple cracker types, flavours, and shapes. It’s not a half opened packet of Jacob’s like someone said.

I believe you when you say you haven’t read the replies. You haven’t learned anything - I think you were expecting everyone to agree with you. You sound just as ungrateful and judgemental as you did from the start.

RabbitsNBears · 01/12/2025 21:09

YouveGotNoBloodyIdea · 01/12/2025 20:50

indeed - the Pioneers were very well known in my catholic childhood - I remember the badges!

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well since @Cosyblankets hasn't heard of any catholics in her family abstaining then perhaps it's a mass delusion!! It couldn't be that a religion is large as the Catholic Church varies in how people follow it. I despair for the youth of today and their critical thinking (or lack thereof?).

YourOliveBalonz · 01/12/2025 21:10

"I’ve transferred the money. I still don’t like the thought, but if £30 is the price my sister puts on nice having a family Christmas so be it."

Very big of you OP, yes your sister is definitely the tight one 😂

Lougle · 01/12/2025 21:12

IMO, your sister shouldn't be charging you. That would be because you should be insisting on contributing a proportionate amount of the cost, which I'll bet is more than £30.

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