to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

This year is the first year in over 35 that we have not hosted Christmas, we are going to one of our sons and daughter in law's, I will be giving them £100 as I know how expensive it is and I appreciate the invite.

So she hosts for yours and your family’s convenience?

Her sister isn't asking for OP to pay HER. She is asking for guests to contribute to the cost of a large meal which they will partake of, which is totally reasonable.

Presumably you dont have to purchase fresh decorations every year for your mum, so not remotely the same.

It's crap that they've had to ask you. Really you should have offered. I would be contributing more than £30, and without having to be asked.

I always ask family to bring something for the cold tea later which seems a neutral way to contribute to the food. No one can really get grumpy if asked to bring some cheese or a quiche.

If she's buying all the food and the booze I think you're getting off lightly with £30. I wouldn't ask for money but then I know my siblings would offer to pitch in, be it financially or contributing something more substantial than crackers.

I do think it’s poor form to ask for cash
from family for Christmas dinner. Far more acceptable for her to loosen her grip on the dinner and accept food contributions. So people bring pudding, sides etc.

It’s her choice to host and she should either do it with dignity or not offer.

I have hosted 14 years on the trot with a break for Covid. I wouldn’t dream of asking for any cash. Family bring round the odd dish or cheese plus booze. It’s all fine.

I do think one bottle of wine is poor showing though. You should take round a bottle of each colour maybe. Plus a bottle of champagne?

Basically everyone needs to have better etiquette here all round.

I wouldn't charge but I don't know her circumstances. Taking wine and crackers is hardly generous though. Christmas dinner is expensive and perhaps she can't afford it anymore. If you stay at home it will.cost you more than £30

Wine and crackers is not enough of a contribution

When we were younger and less financially able we always hosted because we had the bigger house but we split the cost 4 ways with my sisters. My mum didn’t contribute but always brought the starter. It wasn’t like charging them more we all shared the cost. Nowadays if we host we pay because we can afford to. There are also fewer people so not quite so expensive anyway.

I think you shouldn’t think of it as you are being charged and more of a contribution - but still take the wine, crackers and a nice hostess gift too,

There is the best part of a month left, that's plenty of time for people to make other plans! Given that she's the most central, if one of the others hosts I'd a) put money on the extra fuel to get there and back alone being more than £30, and b) I'd like to see them make their own Christmas day food and drink for less than £30 and then compare it to the quality and quantity SIL provides😏

Your post conveys OP's DSis POV perfectly. Just like her, you've hosted for years with everyone taking your hospitality for granted and not even considering whether or not you can afford it. That's outrageous, thoughtless, selfish, entitled behaviour on your family's part. As a matter of interest, what do you think they'd all say if you told them you can't afford to host again next year?

Do you reciprocate at all? Could you invite dsis to a boxing day dinner at yours to even things up?

Why though, when it's more hassle to have people bringing bits and bobs in different sized and shaped containers that may or may not fit in your oven (whereas you know your own kit), that may or may not be better prepared on the day of rather than the day before, etc etc. if there are 5 different bottles of red wine what a faff to work out who wants which one, or oh no Uncle Jo forgot the potatoes and now everybody is sad or you have to have back ups in anyway. It cost each person money and time to buy or make those dishes, but it's somehow less acceptable to ask for a monetary contribution and have one person buy and do it all?!

To be fair, this was everything for 6 people for about 5 or 6 days including tons of alcohol.
of course it never all got consumed in that period of time, but I wanted to be sure everyone had what they possibility fancy. (It was excessive!)

'Chipping in' is something my family has always done. Expecting someone else to foot the bill and do all the work is something I find grubby.

Very sensible for your sister to ask for contributions in the circumstances. It would have been better if she didn’t have to ask.

Fucking hell mate. I hope you feel able to ask them to contribute, if not this year then in the future. 💝

I think its how its worded, saying to family it will cost this to come for dinner sounds awful but if she said can you bring the turkey and a bottle of wine most people wouldn't think twice

Why don't you just offer to buy all the alcohol and soft drinks? After all, she's doing all the work as well as paying for almost everything at the moment.

Wine and crackers is just taking the piss, unless I’m missing something and they are gold plated crackers

Personally, I’d rather die than charge family for a meal I’m hosting; it comes across as such a shameful and cringey thing to do. I’d rather just not host if I couldn’t afford it. I do accept, however, that this is a cultural thing engrained in me.

Yes , my 86 year old FIL transfers me £150 3 days before Xmas every year , part is my Xmas present and he boosts it to cover the fact he himself buys no food for 3 or 4 days and he’s really greatful of being saved the faff

My sister used to host Christmas every year.
She’d cook a big turkey and a big ham and then the rest of us would bring mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and a salad and string beans and another hot veggie and other miscellaneous sides - it evened out quite nicely.

I was visiting my mum once and she spilled that she and my dad bought the turkey and ham every year because we wouldn’t let them bring anything.
But - my sister neglected to tell anybody that.
I mean, who cares, but it sure takes the balance off.
Except hosting is a gigantic job. I’ll give her that.
I think hosting 18-20 people evens the whole situation out. All the table-setting, all that stress, all the mess, even though we all pitched in with the cleaning up.
Yeah - it might be lopsided in the host’s favour.
You hosts know what I’m talking about. ❤️

It’s school evening so been busy with spellings, dinner (not spaghetti hoops though), bath etc and I’ve just got the baby to bed. My children can’t exactly fend for themselves while I’m replying to Mumsnet!