to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

Shes hosting/cooking etc why should she also be paying for it all? If you tell her to stuff it and have dinner at home your be spending a lot more than 30 on the food.

Bottle of wine and crackers? Behave.

I only read your replies and still not sure if you actually bring ‘one’ bottle of wine (which is hilarious) or if the £30 is per person which feels relevant. I can’t see that you’d manage to create any sort of meal for 6-8 people for less than £30 but suppose if you’d rather eat toast at home you’re welcome to do so.

I think after years of taking her hospitality it’s petty to quibble over £30.

She sounds like this is her love language and she wants everything to be as perfect as possible for you all.
I really think you need a big step back and think about what all this feels like to your sister and give some grace for all the work she’s gone to for years.
Why is she asking for a contribution now? Either they’re struggling more than you realise (and if they aren’t, you can’t automatically assume they should pick up the bill year after year) or perhaps she’s hurt by the Nigella digs and doesn’t find them funny. Who knows? Are you close? You don’t sound close or concerned… if someone did sth out of character, I’d ask them because I care and want to know if they’re all right.
Also, £30 is a nominal amount. It must be costing way way more than that per head. I hosted my mother and my mother in law for Christmas and the shop would cost about £600 for a few days - and that was about 6 years ago. I wouldn’t ask for cash on Christmas Day food but I have deep seated people pleasing and money issues. I would completely understand if someone asked me for a contribution.
Pay it. Ask her if it’s enough. Ask if she’s ok. Ask if there’s anything else you can bring: Thank her for all she does to make sure you can all be together. And definitely make sure there’s no teasing of her in her own home when she’s done something so huge for everyone. I really wonder if all this „over the top“ stuff is desperate people pleasing and not snobbery at all.
By all means, if you want to stay home and join them later, do so, especially if there’s underlying resentment. But don’t do it over £30. x

When we have big family Christmas gatherings we all bring dishes and agree who’s doing meat/veg/potato’s etc and who’s doing desserts etc. and the ones who don’t like to cook agree between them chocolate/ snacks/cheeseboard/ chimneys etc and everyone brings various alcohol/ soft drinks. usually the host cooks the turkey and then everything else comes with guests. I don’t think I’d get away with bringing crackers lol

Well this is clearly something you do, but not something I could ever countenance doing. If you can't afford it,you don't accept the undertaking. I just think there's something intrinsically grubby and low- rent about asking family members- potentially the person who bore you- for money towards a meal. There. My opinion. And not a single "f" word from me. Have a nice evening.

Every meal I’ve ever cooked for a group, family, friends, colleagues, people always are quick to say, “I’ll bring this” and bring either something personal to their tastes nobody else wants to eat or something very bland/frugal. “I’ll do pudding” shows up with generic Swiss roll or aunt Bessie jam roly poly and didn’t think to bring custard.
I don’t ask for money for hosting but it would be nice if people who could afford it just gave some cash or sent a few quid bank transfer if they’re having a four course meal and treats throughout the day. That said, I am not the most financially comfortable individual, if I was I’d never accept a penny.
I after being stung a few times now ask people don’t bring anything after a friends partner brought her special salad to a meal I was hosting, complete with boiled mince and bashed up tortilla chips to make it Mexican. It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen and she fucking followed me around with it until I tried it. Another friend also brought an egg salad which featured tinned pears and glacier cherries.
I am not a food snob but I also don’t want to eat experimental foods made by people who can’t cook. Call me rude, but I don’t.
If you aren’t a cook and you’re having a meal cooked for you ask the host if they want some desserts from a supermarket bringing over. Bring a chocolate one, fruit or cheesecake one if you can afford it. If you can’t, take nice biscuits, you can get a pack in home bargain for a couple of pound.

How many bottles of wine do you take?

This is exactly the mumsnet Christmas content I am here for 🍿

YABU. It’s not ‘charging admission’ it’s making a contribution to an expensive shared meal.

One of my siblings always hosts as they have the space, big kitchen, massive fridge / freezer space. The bill for two days meals, beef, turkey, chipolatas, sausage meat, desserts, smoked salmon lunches, veg, sides, bread, cheese, drinks etc etc is HUGE. None of us would dream of not sharing the cost.

And if one person is masterminding the cooking you don’t necessarily want people turning up with a selection of stuff.

We turn up, contribute, chop, peel, wash up as a team.

Just don’t be so spiky OP. It sounds as if your DS puts on a great dinner and shoulders a lot of work and responsibility. Do it her way and be grateful, happy and generous.

On mumsnet everyone spends under 100 for a week’s shop for a family and have unlimited food and snacks available at all times so not sure how you spent 600.

OP YABU. A bottle of wine and some crackers 🙄🤣

Perhaps you’re thinking of it the wrong way. You’re not being charged “to attend”. You’re being asked to contribute to the cost of the dinner - which perhaps runs to for example £100 (?) if there’s loads of people. Perhaps she’s unreasonable to ask - but really you’d be unreasonable not to have ever offered.

I’m absolutely sure you’d be “allowed” to bring a few bottles of the very good wine, OP. Surprised your DH hasn’t insisted on doing so in previous years.

I think this is dreadful, I can't understand why you would host if you're short of money. I cannot imagine asking anyone to my home and charging for anything. What has happened to the world, if you host you're happy to do so!

Jeez I thought you were joking OP - don't care if it's decent wine but seriously wine and crackers and objecting to a £30 contribution YABVVU

Well quite. I doubt it only costs 100 though

So you’d rock up every year and not feel you should offer to contribute? This isn’t a taking it in turns situation I don’t think which is entirely different.

Well, your bottle of wine and box of crackers is about £20, being generous. For a whole family £30 seems very fair to me.

Maybe drop the crackers and just bring wine to thank them for hosting (with the £30).

Your choice to have it at home will cost you more than double the £30.

It's not fair to expect one part of the family to stand a big meal for everyone.

My sister in law asked us to bring food for Boxing Day at hers - she was just doing snacks, party food. Her husband was director level in a large company but really controlling and he wouldn't let her get food in. We didn't realise it at the time - we thought it was just another example of their stingy entertaining.

I do a big pre Christmas meal for all the family and don't charge. I was horrified that sis in law couldn't reciprocate. But that's families for you.

She won’t be spending much at all because Christmas dinner will be spaghetti hoops on toast if she stays at home.

I understand how she feels too because in all honesty the people I have are not that fussy about quality be it food or drink and my H in particular really is - I think the thing is to have a big supply of food and drink for maybe lunch and tea for a fair few people can easily be £300 or around£40 a head - so if all people bring is a £10 bottle of wine and some crackers or equivalent you can soon end up hundreds out of pocket/budget - I don’t see it’s big deal, it’s no different to splitting the big shop say 3 ways

It sounds like she’s hosting because she lives in the most convenient location for the family to get together and it sounds like she enjoys cooking and hosting for everyone. Personally I think it’s dreadful and rude not to contribute if you’re being hosted and I think, particularly in these circumstances and with family, it’s perfectly acceptable for the host to specify the type of contribution works best for them.

Well, great news! Now you're "allowed" to bring £30.

Everyone will be happy.

I already gave my full YABU above, but a note on why a cash contribution is often more helpful than bringing a dish for people who enjoy doing the cooking and planning, especially for large holiday meals

It's not just about a need to control exactly what's brought. It's also that people bringing dishes often creates more disruption for the host/cook than they realize. When I'm doing holiday dinner I have timings planned out for my ovens and cooktop, I've made the right freezer and fridge space, and I'm keeping track of a hundred to-dos in my head. Having someone arrive (often late) with a dish that 'just needs to be popped in the oven' or a half-prepared dessert or appetizer that requires kitchen space to do the finishing touches and asking me where my whisks/nutmeg/cutting board/double boiler are while my ADHD brain is trying to keep on top of my own list is more stress than help.

I think it’s understandable. I’ve never charged but because I have a big entertaining space, I get lumbered with Christmas dinner every year. I don’t get asked, but rather told. There are already 12 of us (DH and me, 5DCs and partners) before we even start counting extended family. I regularly have to cook for 25+ people. With alcohol (which nobody ever brings!) I reckon it costs easily £500+. Two turkeys and an enormous ham alone is about £200.

I love Christmas Day, and I love cooking but I do feel taken for granted. I’m disabled and it’s hard work, and I go without to save up for it. It wouldn’t occur to one of them to offer me some money, or bring some wine or pudding. They just rock up year on year, because that’s the ‘family tradition’. I don’t think my siblings have ever cooked a Christmas dinner. My DM hasn’t done one in about 30 years. They have no idea of the cost.

Meh - I see what you mean about it feeling a bit cold - and it probably it would be more Christmassy and communal feeling if everyone brought a dish with them - but actually, that would be a fair bit of work to co-ordinate and I have some sympathy for the host not wanting to delegate out too much in case courses fall through - and also it's tricky to bring anything other than cold plates.

The cost of food has gone up SO much in recent years, I can imagine most people would struggle to lay on a nice spread for extended family. How many of you are going? Unless she has a history as a Cheeky F'ker, I imagine she only asked because she felt she had to. I would hate to think of a family member being stressed about the costs of hosting, so I would just pay it and not make her feel bad. Particularly if she does it every year. Worse still - it would be horrific if she went into debt to do this.

Shows how tough things are - that people don't have the wiggle room in their finances to host extended family for Christmas without really feeling it somewhere else in their budget.