to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

It's not the thirty quid. No one is saying the amount is unreasonable.

It's that the sister wants unilateral control over the spending, won't let others contribute food, and still thinks she is owed. If she wants to spread the costs she needs to consult the family about what will be purchased and served.

I host my family for Christmas every year and although I would never expect them to pay anything, I can see why people would require the contribution. Especially with the cost of groceries nowadays. I would happily pay towards someone hosting for us. I used to give my mum a voucher every year to contribute towards food/drink when we had Christmas dinner at her house:

We spend literally hundreds of pounds on food and drink for everyone, plus the extras like crackers, setting the table nicely etc. It’s so expensive to host a family for a nice Christmas meal.

A bottle of wine and some crackers....for Christmas dinner and all that entails ??
Do you ever host??
A bit bloody tight if you ask me ...I wouldn't embarrass myself 😶

The sister is free to skip hosting/organizing. She has agency. If she is only doing this to martyr herself, that's entirely on her.

I’m sure her hosting is expensive but she takes it on herself to make such fancy food. No one is asking her to.

hmmmmm, I wonder what the sister is actually producing and spending her money on. It sounds like her dinner is excessively fancy and the guests don't care for it, I feel its exceptionally poor form the ask guests to pay for the hosts vanity project.

OP - is she the sort to splash out on truffle for her cauliflower cheese, caviar bumps as canapés, a seafood spread starter, three meats when a simple turkey would suffice....

I mean...it's going to cost her £100s, so £30 seems fair. But also I would never offer to host if I couldn't afford to do so.

Not to mention the effort and time that goes into to shopping, preparing the food and cooking etc. Then there’s the bloody dishes 🙈 and the whole house ends up back to front as well.

Why don't you bring your children around to see all the cousins and family later but prepare you own dinner for your own family at home? It sounds like your sister has done too much for too long and she's fed up with it all?

Are you replying to the correct person? I didn't say that no one else should get a say in what's cooked? I said that the sister isn't being unreasonable in asking for money as hosting is very expensive.

Yes, but there is a difference to inviting people to lunch and dinner because you want to, and being elected host by family members for an important annual event where there is a level of expectation present.

What's the difference between contributing food or contributing money? Seems like sister is expected to host by the rest of the family, so not sure whether there would be more outrage if she declared she wasn't hosting rather than asking for a contribution.

£30 for a family is cheap compared to what it is actually costing I am sure. If she was asking £100 per person because she wanted to have the most expensive turkey and trimmings in the world then I would question it,, but £30 is cheap. Some hosts would be happy for food contributions but some want to be in control of their kitchen and know what they are getting. If host gives an extract of her menu and asks people either to buy off that or give them the money, what really is the difference. We tend to get most of our Christmas dinner food from out local farm shop, ordering in advance. So if we were hosting a large family gathering, it wouldn't be much point people bringing food contributions as we would have already ordered the food from the one shop, which is local to us.

And I bet the wine buff chooses a nice bottle of wine for their own preference just as much as the hosts. I can't imagine a wine buff wants to drink some old cheap plonk.

Well done you! The point is that even if they aren't short of money, it's about what's fair and if your DSis really doesn't need/want your financial contribution, she can politely refuse it but will really appreciate the fact that you offered (and it will make it easier for her to ask you in future years if their circumstances were to change). 😊

I often host but I would never charge people. If things were tight budget wise then I'd task each person with bringing along something that would contribute - so person A brings wine, person B brings a Christmas Pudding, etc.

@OneTicketForChristmasDinner

you need to be being more than ONE bottle of wine OP! @OneTicketForChristmasDinner

At least three bottles for everyone to have a decent size glass or so.

oh and yeah you should pay up - £30 is a bargain, and quite frankly it’s the least you could do.

Stay home, use yr £30 and cook yourselves Christmas dinner.

I agree with this - I used to cook for exH's extended family at Xmas (I think 26 people was our record). I love cooking so not a problem - but MIL bought and cooked the turkey, I did a ham and the veggie/vegan option (one or more of the teenagers was inevitably vegan at some point 😆) plus all the veg. SIL brought the deserts, other people brought luxury chocs and wine etc.

If I'd wanted to retain control of the whole meal I would have expected to pay for it all 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I do think it's odd to charge family after refusing their offer to provide part of the meal. OP was very clear that she has offered.

@RabbitsNBears is that any different to OP's DH being a wine buff and not buying cheap plonk for the table. And £30 doesn't cover the cost of Christmas food for a family

People contributing food that needs to be heated of finished onsite can make a lot more work for the host. The cost of hosting has also gone up astronomically.

we offered cash to our hosts last year in addition to our wine and dessert contributions. They declined, but I hope they accept this year.

So you've all been going to her home for years and you never thought to offer to buy the turkey? Or all the wine? I cant imagine turning up with a single bottle of wine and box of crackers and thinking thats okay. It is so expensive.

"the host's vanity project" is a good description. And I say that as one who loves to plan and execute fancy meals. It's on me. I wouldn't dream of asking others to foot the bill.

OP, if you are reading, I would love to know what your sister prepares for a meal such as this!

I always host and would never charge anyone. However I also wouldn’t turn up on Christmas Day with crackers and one bottle of wine. You say that’s ’all you’re allowed to bring’ but that’s nonsense. No one can stop you turning up with multiple nice drinks, sisters favourite chocolates, plant/flowers etc for hosts. My family are amazing at bringing treats etc I think if you don’t host it’s easy to overestimate your contribution and vastly underestimate what the host family are spending/doing.

It depends on their circumstances really. If it is you (you DP?) and kids, a contribution of £30 doesn't seem massively unreasonable depending on the spread your sister is putting on.
My mum and sister both always comes to us for a week over Christmas and last year I did ask for a contribution because we were in the middle of expensive renovations and I needed a boost (my sister wanted champagne cocktails and to create a fun cocktail bar, amazing, but it was a lot of booze to buy!)
This year, I'm not asking for any contributions because I don't need to and I feel better about that, but if my situation was still tight, I'd have asked them.

Just dont bother taking the crackers and wine just the thirty quid

A financial contribution seems fair to me. You can argue over the amount but ultimately it’s far easier to just turn up and not worry about having to bring more than bottle or two. I’m taking 6 bottles still wine and 4 bottles of prosecco (bought already as I have to get vegan red wine)

In fairness, 30 quid for a Christmas meal is nothing.

I don't see the OP offering to host instead.