AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

I have hosted Christmas Day for the last 21 years. We have never been invited to any in-laws, for the same reason, we have the biggest house and are well -off. <sigh>
I also have to usually make up about 9 beds because they all want to stay and get drunk, whilst turning up empty-handed. No, I tell a lie; my SIL once came with a bottle of Jack Daniels and then took it home with her on Boxing Day. 😐

So last year I finally said no. We just had my kids and my mum on Xmas Day and it was so lovely and peaceful. We are doing the same this year. But with an open-house drinks/buffet thing on Boxing Day which they are all welcome to come to if they like.

I can't believe how people left themselves be taken for such complete mugs. These CFs don't even appreciate all the effort and expense you are gonna to!! For the love of god!

OP tell them you were so exhausted at the thought of doing absolutely everything yet again this year you so you've booked a holiday over Christmas.

Then, quite simply, have your own lovely cheeky-fucker free Christmas at home!

Past behaviour like this is why I refuse to host Christmas

Say "Ha ha ha ha. No."

FFS. My sister is considerably richer than me and my mum and has a big house with loads of space. And yet we still take turns.

I would advise since I am ‘making too much out of it’ and ‘it has to be at mine’ that dinner will be jam butties and crisps, do they all still want to come?

I absolutely wouldn't do this as they probably all still will come but will bitch about how awful you are as well.

@WillieFIrwin what are you going to say to them?

Yeah, I'd tell them to start a new tradition this year by doing their own thing. You're being taken for granted. How dare they not even make a contribution.

What a bunch of ungrateful relatives you have OP.
I make a Christmas dinner every Christmas eve for my family. About 20 of us usually.
I LOVE ❤️ it. It's something that is looked forward to by everyone.
I see it as my gift to my family and appreciate that they come over to have a nice lunch together and to catch up a bit on life.
People do bring things, but I am very happy to host and foot the bill.
If I ever get to the stage where I just don't want to do it, there will never be pressure to have to host.
It's the only meal of the year that I like cooking!
Stand your ground OP.

They sound awful, to turn up empty handed!
I would say, 'as we can't agree on Christmas and I've had my fair share of hosting over xx years, we'll have to do our own thing'

No, you are not being in the least bit unreasonable, I was in a similar situation. I realised that as well as my family, there was a pattern of people taking advantage of me in many areas of my life, partner/ friends and I would feel guilty and confused when I tried to set boundaries with people and they pushed back. Your family are benefitting from your lack of boundaries so they won't like them. I had to have many counselling sessions to help find my backbone again and to stop being a people pleaser and to start thinking about my needs instead of always thinking of others and then being resentful.

People can't take advantage of you without your permission so some inner work is probably needed if these situations keep coming up. However your family sound absolutely dreadful, I wouldn't even meet them Christmas day never mind cook for them. This Christmas could be a good time to start living your life differently and put yourself first (which isn't selfish) Good luck!

Awful family... sorry OP.... my BIL is hosting 16 of us this year... we have all split the shopping, my DH is cooking with help from others and we will all help wash up etc.

Put your foot down and do your own thing.

The only way Id host a big Xmas event like this seven years on the trot with zero help etc was if I genuinely really wanted to and loved to. And could easily afford it.

If you don't feel that way - and understandably, I don't think I ever would, for SEVEN consecutive years - then YANBU and tell them to sod off.

Your family are also unbelievably ungrateful and cheeky!!

“We’ve decided to have a quiet one this year, just me, partner and kids. Perhaps we could meet up for a walk somewhere on Boxing Day or over the weekend?”

^ This

no way! Enough is enough. Just say that after 7 years of doing it all solo, you need a break. Say how much time it takes you how much it costs and that no one has ever offered to cook, contribute etc. there will be an almighty row about it and maybe you won’t speak for a while, but you are well within your rights here and you are not solely responsible for Christmas. We also have a big house and we get so sick of the requests to come and stay or the suggestion that my elderly and totally infirm MIL come and live with us, just because we have a big house! We both work long hours, hosting is so much work and we really don’t like having people to stay, we just don’t. If you don’t put your foot down, you would feel more and more resentful until you completely blow up and it will be worse!

Wow. Yanbu at all.

We’ve tended to host dh’s family most years because we do in fairness have the biggest house and the biggest income. Family members do bring extra stuff in abundance and help out generally.

however, hosting in general stresses me out. So we said we wanted a year off this year just spend it the four of us and visit the extended family later on. Nobody has batted an eyelid.

Awful takers the lot of them. YANBU at all.

Tell everyone they can come but it's spag bol as that's the level of effort/cost youre prepared to go to

@WillieFIrwin , you absolutely know you're not being unreasonable and your family are CFs !! However, I assume that as the years have gone by its got harder to say no. Well make the change this year otherwise you never will.
Do what you are happy with, if thats hosting and everyone contributing either by £, or bringing food or drinks (if you trust them to), get them to help on the day too.
Or not hosting Christmas dinner but inviting them later in the day for drinks, nibbles, maybe a few sandwiches etc or inviting them a different day if you want to.
How old are your kids?? Surely you want to spend time with them rather than being at the beck and call of your very ungrateful family.
Enjoy your Chistmas your way !

Being broke is one thing. Not bothering to help out and not even bringing a bottle of wine, quite another. YANBU!

This is absolutely rotten, don’t stand for it OP. I always host for similar reasons (bigger dining room/more oven space and enough room to put up relatives who need to stay overnight etc). But the deal is that BIL does half the cooking (lives 1 minute walk away) and then carries it over to our house, and then we decamp to parents’ house after for evening buffet. Everyone else either contributes a bit of money or brings booze, and helps with the cleaning up. So I don’t mind that the main meal is always at mine.

Given your family’s behaviour, I wouldn’t want to host again full stop. But at the very least, they should be sharing the practical or financial load!

I fell into this nonsense for over 20 years, hosting and doing everything as the biggest house and the money and the ability as I have my shit together It was also a bit of manipulation from my grandmother. I also had rude and ungrateful attendees I stopped when people really started to take the pee It was hard but my kids begged us to have christmas just the 4 of us. The icing on the cake was my BIL shovelling homemade apple pie down his face while saying that I was "prickly". This is the BIL I described to my gran as having a bit of a chip on his shoulder, my gran repsonded with oh No Darling its the whole sack of potatoes! I also work clinically over Christmas, and always Boxing Day . Also we have never been invited to anyone elses for Christmas!
Be strong and resistan to the mnaipulation Good Luck OP!

Oh shit if them, I'm so sorry OP. It's not on your to make it special for everyone at detriment to yourself!

In my family a few of us are expected to do the cooking, then another few do the cocktails and drinks. We all chip in money wise etc.

It's really grabby of your family to expect you to do everything 🙁 and pay for everything!

One of my siblings hosts every year but we are given a list of what to bring in advance. Could you say that you will only host if, for example, your sister brings starters, your brother brings wine, and your mum brings desserts?

apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids”

Surely your kids are barely seeing their mum on Christmas Day?

Please stop this ridiculous arrangement for the sake of your own household.

What do your kids and husband say about it?

Haven’t read all the replies, but my strategy would be to say I will provide the space, lay the table etc, but they must organise all the food and drink between themselves. I would make it crystal clear that there will be no food provided except salt and pepper. And stick to it.