AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

Nope. Tell them straight out that you're not doing it and their resistance to helping in any way at all is part of the reason. What a bunch of chancers.

This is what happned in my house I was so busy doing everything for everyone else the whole day passed me by and my kids moaned and I felt like I had missed out

My gosh I can’t even imagine! We have a big family Christmas yearly and alternate houses. We all chip in kitty money to cover the food as there is a lot of us. We then all choose something to cook. Someone will do the turkey, someone in charge of veg sides, someone else pigs in blankets, someone else the potatoes, another cheese board and Christmas crackers, another desserts etc. We bring our own booze. Do a secret Santa for the adults so only one to buy for. And only spend on the kids. It takes the pressure off the host/hostess. It has worked for us for years. I would be firm with them and say you are out of pockets yearly and it has now become a habit. If they’d like Christmas at your house every year then they all have to contribute something otherwise your door is closed and they are welcome to organise something themselves. It isn’t fair on you at all and they are absolutely taking you for a ride.

I would say to her i'm happy for you to host Christmas this year in my home. Let me know when the food order will be coming and what time you will be over on Christmas morning to prepare the meal. Don't forget the wine.

Too late for this year, but I would suggest booking a holiday for next year, for just you and your family. This should create a clean break in the 'tradition', and prompt others to take some initiative.

Why on earth is it “too late for this year”? Never understand this. You are presumably not the royal family who need to schedule their diaries for staff etc. These people can…go to a supermarket in three weeks and source their own Christmas food?!

OP please book a Christmas meal for yourself and your immediate family. There may well be spaces for what would be a smaller group. If you suspect your lazy relatives will turn up keep a number of these in stock. Pop them on the table in front of each freeloader add hot water and give the freeloaders a fork each.

OMG !! F**k The Lot Of Them !! Bunch of Selfish, Entitled B's !! In saying that, You hve allowed this pattern to develop over the last 7 years but if any of them had an ounce of decency they would address the fact the cost of living has skyrocketed and is affecting everybody. It's none of their business what you earn, but i'm getting the impression you have been too transparent about your finances and now your family have weaponised it. Break the chain now. Bunch of scroungers !!

I think they mean too late to book the suggested holiday

I would write a list of everything that you have to buy and the cost and ask them for £50 each as a token amount or give them jobs , someone makes dessert , someone cooks the turkey and brings it to you , everyone brings their own alcohol.

Write this in a text/ What'sapp / email , get them to put their name next to each item .If not book a pub Xmas day , we have done it two or 3 times and it's lovely.

I've no idea why you've put up with this for SEVEN years.

You have a horrible user family and you are a mug.
Tell tthemto crack on with their own plans you are no longer host.
No one needs family like that.

Who are the 1% who think op is being unreasonable?!

Hi op you’re just missing the point that your family are entitled selfish twats. I would not be doing the hosting again if I was you. Give them nothing they don’t deserve your generosity.

You will be guilt tripped into hosting, coz you're kind. Resentment will grow. No discussions, your relatives won't step up.
Quickly book a getaway with your immediate family and enjoy a relaxing Christmas away. Tell relatives, "sorry, taking a break. Want to enjoy my husband and kids @Christmas" - our new tradition.

A family member and their partner hosts us all. There's usually 10-20 of us. They won't take any money, they don't want any help.

It's amazing and we're so grateful.

Your family are cockwombles.

Yeah that is insane! Say that as a compromise they can use your house for xmas but they can cook the dinner and bring all the food and booze - you’ve done 7 years, cost and labour needs to be rotated to a different adult each year.

This thread will do as my Christmas gift.

OP, please share your family’s response once you text them all that they will need to make other plans.

Do you all bring lots of gifts?

Tell them dinner will be served at 3pm. Book yourself a reservation for 2pm. Let them stand outside bewildered that they have no Christmas dinner because they're selfish fuckers.

Absolutely don’t bother hosting them again. If the family tradition is to just turn up empty handed at the hosts and bring nothing to the day (literally & figuratively) then it is one worth forgetting.

Two options
dont host, give yourself a break and have a pub-hotel Christmas lunch just you and your family

Host - and just get backed potatoes with baked beans and cheese as it was said don’t make such a big deal of it.

A family member and their partner hosts us all. There's usually 10-20 of us. They won't take any money, they don't want any help.

What do you mean, they do all the cooking, clearing away and all the washing up all day and 20 of you just sit there?

It's not too late to change the plans until the shops shut on Christmas eve. They will still be able to get a turkey then.

Make your Christmas your way op.

You absolutely shouldn't host again against your wishes at your own cost! If you don't stop now, it will keep happening for years, until you're too old to do it! You're not a wet drip, you've totally got this! 💪 I think it's too late to book a pub lunch anywhere nice but the curry houses will have availability. Perhaps you need go away a couple of Christmases to break the cycle. Unless you're able to ignore them if they turn up?!

I suspect this observation is going to go down like a lead balloon, but somebody needs to say it. This thread is a study in competitive martyrdom. It's a full-scale internalisation of the female socialisation that tells us: you come last. Your needs are not important. You're a vessel; a respository for the requirements of others. Even Virginia Woolf saw it nearly a century ago. Her 'angel in the house' 'was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draught she sat in, in short, she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others. Above all, I need not say it – she was pure'.

A century later, just reading the contents of this thread is a depressing reminiscence on those observations, made in 1932. Women: you do not have to do this. You really, really don't. Your place on this planet is not to provide domestic servitude, especially to those who take it as theirs by right and provide nothing in return - not even a modicum of gratitude.

Your ungrateful, entitled families won't change. You are the one who has to do that. You won't do it in the first place because it's difficult. You'll receive pushback. You might even receive the usual 'extinction burst' as the pressure ramps up to make you do what you've always done. When you step outside your box as a woman you'll find there will be no shortage of volunteers to shove you right back into it. When they realise all such efforts are futile, then comes peace. Then comes the Christmas you want to enjoy: the Christmas some of you have sacrificed for decades. Worth it? I think so.

Be Kind. To YOU, for a change. The word you are looking for is 'no'.