Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ended our relationship of nearly 40 years.

140 replies

GreatOliveTiger · 30/11/2025 18:19

We have children and grandchildren together and have been together almost 40 years. We are not married. We have had a difficult relationship at times mainly because he is deceitful and selfish. We do however get on on a day to day level. I wanted to leave him in the past but for various reasons, young kids then elderly parents it seemed better to stay. I had thought that after him being unfaithful then very remorseful 10 years ago we had reached a good place and could grow old together in relative harmony. I have now found out that he has been lying to me for a very long time and is in a relationship with someone who caused me and my family a great deal of pain in the past. This is a complete betrayal. Not because of the sex but because of who it is. I feel that he has no respect for me or our relationship and has treated me with contempt. So I have told him it is ended. He is very upset and concerned that the rest of the family will turn against him and he will be cut out. Frankly that is on him. He will have to buy me out of our house. I am financially independent so am not worried about how I will live.

What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 30/11/2025 18:27

Be straightforward with your children as they’re adults. I don’t think you should have to pretend things are okay. They’re old enough to deal with sadness and disappointment. It’s you that needs support at the moment 💐

AcademyFootball · 30/11/2025 18:31

Would you be OK with you hosting? Tell him to fuck off and have Christmas with his Fancy Piece.

Tillybobbette · 30/11/2025 18:31

No, you don’t have to tell them, he does. He chose to do what he’s done and should own it to your family. Don’t suffer in silence for anyone.

ginasevern · 30/11/2025 18:34

Agree with @OriginalUsername2 You've spent 40 years holding the family together and you shouldn't have to maintain the pretence for adult offspring. In the whole scheme of things Christmas really doesn't matter but as women we are conditioned to make everyone else happy and keep the peace. It's a bloody hard habit to break. OP, tell your children and stop worrying about Christmas. Hopefully they will offer you some emotional support.

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/11/2025 18:34

Congratulations on taking out the trash. He has ruined his own life and at this point, I'd be laughing! You're free of him and his stink, his mess, his face, everything!

You are free. Have an amazing Christmas! You got a great gift 🎁

BuffaloCauliflower · 30/11/2025 18:37

Well done, it sounds like you’ve been really strong and done the right thing. I would be honest with your children and yes, host Christmas but ask him to leave. Not your problem where he goes

RealEagle · 30/11/2025 18:38

OriginalUsername2 · 30/11/2025 18:27

Be straightforward with your children as they’re adults. I don’t think you should have to pretend things are okay. They’re old enough to deal with sadness and disappointment. It’s you that needs support at the moment 💐

totally agree with this ,you have done nothing wrong

Itiswhysofew · 30/11/2025 18:39

Only do what you think you can cope with. If you want to be with your DC & DGC at Christmas, do so. He can sort himself out and he can deliver the news of the end of your marriage to them as well. If you'd prefer to be alone, that's OK too.

What will your living arrangements be?

Sorry you're going through this Flowers

LVhandbagsatdawn · 30/11/2025 18:46

Hmm I wouldn't let him break the news, that gives him the opportunity to set the narrative.

Your children are adults so I'd break it to them factually. Tell them he's been having a affair and your relationship is over.

You can still host Christmas (if you want to), he doesn't have to be there.

Cleo65 · 30/11/2025 18:47

No - this is not the time to be continuing to put everyone else first. After 40 years you deserve honesty from today, what happens to this man is his business. He doesn't get to have his needs put first a minute longer.

Tell whoever needs to be told as soon as possible - then there's still time to change plans if needed & you're not having to carry his bullcarp a moment longer.

It's like ripping a plaster off, it will undoubtedly sting but the relief for you afterwards will be worth it.

It really is time to put yourself first, it generally goes against our instincts as women sadly - but once you stop carrying everyone else & their expectations you will feel so much lighter.

I'm sorry this has happened - but he really doesn't sound worth any more of your soul.

InterestedDad37 · 30/11/2025 18:53

Tell them sooner rather than later 👍

themerchentofvenus · 30/11/2025 18:56

Just tell them the truth.

IsawwhatIsaw · 30/11/2025 19:02

Put yourself first. Christmas with your family. Agree with simply saying he’s been having an affair and so your relationship is over.
what he does and where isn’t your concern, leave him to it.

Columbidae · 30/11/2025 19:05

As others have said, please put yourself first for once. Start as you mean to go on by prioritising your own wellbeing.

Your adult children can handle the truth and there's a good amount of time left to rearrange things.

Helpwithdivorce · 30/11/2025 19:09

Your father has been having an affair with x for x number of years. I have just found out and am leaving him.
should do it.
Kick him out. Not your problem where he goes

YourFairCyanReader · 30/11/2025 19:12

Well done on your decision. You sound so strong and determined in your OP. Will your exP leave the house if you tell him to? If this were my parents, I would want my mum to tell me ASAP. Your DC are adults, they can handle it.

XWKD · 30/11/2025 19:15

Tell them now. Christmas doesn't matter.

Reddog1 · 30/11/2025 19:19

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Enjoy a relaxing Christmas with your children and grandchildren, who will be supportive of your decision I’m sure.

Those who are adults/teens will have picked up on what he’s like and will be at peace with your choice when the surprise has worn off.

Wishing you all the best for 2026 OP.

Skippydoodle · 30/11/2025 19:30

Honestly, I would pack his bags or just chuck his stuff out of the window (whatever you fancy at this point). You sound like an extremely strong and grounded lady. I would tell everyone what has happened, and if you have the fortitude for it, carry on with the Christmas plans, but just without the arsehole. xxx

OkWinifred · 30/11/2025 19:30

Let him go. He’s brought it all on himself.

Imagine having to pretend everything is ok. You just can’t do that to yourself.

Your family will know there’s something wrong and I’m sure they would much rather you be honest with them and true to yourself.

godmum56 · 30/11/2025 19:36

i think you should tell them before christmas. I wouldn't leave it to him or try to hide it because of the ramifications of trying to cover it up and the risk of a nuclear explosion when you are hosting. I am so sorry that you have to do this and wish you a happy future.

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 19:38

You aren’t married so no explanation needed. He did what he wanted and isn’t married. In effect, you are both single - so just be single. I don’t understand why non married couples get the same angst over separation as married couples. You aren’t committed to anything with your partner. I see your feelings are hurt but you also could do exactly the same with no remorse. You both reserved this position for yourselves. He’s just taken advantage and you didn’t. Just tell dc what he’s doing. Keep to facts.

Middlemarch123 · 30/11/2025 19:44

You’ve just got yourself the best early Christmas present OP. Sounds like you’ve put others first for way too long.
Tell your family, you’ve done nothing wrong. Let them host and spoil you.
He can just do one.

Bollihobs · 30/11/2025 19:44

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 19:38

You aren’t married so no explanation needed. He did what he wanted and isn’t married. In effect, you are both single - so just be single. I don’t understand why non married couples get the same angst over separation as married couples. You aren’t committed to anything with your partner. I see your feelings are hurt but you also could do exactly the same with no remorse. You both reserved this position for yourselves. He’s just taken advantage and you didn’t. Just tell dc what he’s doing. Keep to facts.

🙄

ThejoyofNC · 30/11/2025 19:44

They're adults, tell them the truth. It's not likely to ruin their Christmas if it hasn't been a happy marriage anyway.