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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ended our relationship of nearly 40 years.

140 replies

GreatOliveTiger · 30/11/2025 18:19

We have children and grandchildren together and have been together almost 40 years. We are not married. We have had a difficult relationship at times mainly because he is deceitful and selfish. We do however get on on a day to day level. I wanted to leave him in the past but for various reasons, young kids then elderly parents it seemed better to stay. I had thought that after him being unfaithful then very remorseful 10 years ago we had reached a good place and could grow old together in relative harmony. I have now found out that he has been lying to me for a very long time and is in a relationship with someone who caused me and my family a great deal of pain in the past. This is a complete betrayal. Not because of the sex but because of who it is. I feel that he has no respect for me or our relationship and has treated me with contempt. So I have told him it is ended. He is very upset and concerned that the rest of the family will turn against him and he will be cut out. Frankly that is on him. He will have to buy me out of our house. I am financially independent so am not worried about how I will live.

What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 30/11/2025 21:42

Can you find somewhere nice to rent and invite everyone over for Christmas? Then tell them - I suspect they'll all be really happy for you and it'll make for a nice Christmas gift!

Edit: without him, of course.

LostittoBostik · 30/11/2025 21:45

Your children are old enough to have their own children and households. Tell them now when it’s early enough for them to be able to prepare the grandchildren for a different Xmas week than they were expecting.

You are doing the right thing. You have a fresh chapter ahead for 2026.

Can you ask him to live somewhere else from early next year?

Ripplemoment · 30/11/2025 21:45

OP, tell the children the truth.
Do not protect him.
He doesn't deserve it.
Forget about Christmas, that is on him.
See your children elsewhere if necessary.

Be glad you found out.
We are here for you.
You will be ok.
Take all the support you can.
Blacken the bastards name.

Strictlycomeparent · 30/11/2025 21:45

I would tell him to leave (at least over Christmas) and host without him. Tell the kids why.

ClareBlue · 30/11/2025 21:50

The delusional mindset of cheats who think there will be no consequences of their cheating when they get caught is hard to understand. Time and time again they think everyone should just move on and their lifestyle and family relationships should just carry on as before. But when you are confirmed as a dishonest cheat who has lied to get excitement and sexual gratification outside your established relationship, family generally see you differently. It also seems an affair with this women is particularly hurtful to OP, which the family will be aware of.
Good luck OP, but don't let the initial hurt cloud your decisions to maximise what you are entitled to.

ClareBlue · 30/11/2025 21:50

Duplicated post

Motheranddaughter · 30/11/2025 21:51

As long as you are parking legally I would crack on

Youraveragelass · 30/11/2025 21:55

OP, if you were my mum, I’d want you to tell me whenever you were ready and able so I could best support you. You sound like a lovely caring mum - put yourself first for once.

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 21:57

I’d tell them and just carry on with xmas as planned he hasn’t bought you out yet , it’s still your house Ignore him and carry on as usual That’s a huge betrayal and I am sorry that this has happened to you.

ClareBlue · 30/11/2025 22:01

Just seen your update that you want him to buy your share of the house so you can start afresh outside London. That seems like a good plan. Fresh start with a geographical distance. Nice cottage with room for 🐐 seems good. Next Christmas with family in front of a log fire and plenty to eat and drink in a relaxing happy atmosphere. Completely achievable.

Namechangerage · 30/11/2025 22:03

Can you perhaps rent a flat for the next month or so?? Maybe on Airbnb. Tell the kids what has happened and invite them for dinner at your rental?? And DH can stew on his own.

Namechangerage · 30/11/2025 22:05

Or invite the kids to go away with you just for a few days at Xmas and get a holiday cottage with space for you and them, somewhere not too far? That is what I would do!! Sod the unfaithful twat.

Dunderheided · 30/11/2025 22:05

Put yourself first. For once. The situation demands it.

Diarygirlqueen · 30/11/2025 22:07

Tell your children, let them support you. They don't have a great relationship with him anyways, so why should you care.
Good luck OP, I'm glad you know your worth at last and are moving forward. Make sure you get your fair share, he's an absolutely awful man.

ScribblingPixie · 30/11/2025 22:10

Don't wait until after Christmas. They're not going to be unaware of your problems. Just start moving forward, OP. Good luck to you.

Driftingawaynow · 30/11/2025 22:15

im sure you know op but the pain of separation and grief for what you have lost and his terrible betrayal will pass, life will be so so much better on the other side

Cucy · 30/11/2025 22:16

Well done you.

I would take a few days to decide whether you want to tell people.

It may be that you need time to process it and sort yourself out before going over it with other people. And that may mean not saying anything until after Xmas.

Or you may prefer for it to be out in the open.

You don’t need to decide anything right now.

Sasha07 · 30/11/2025 22:18

This is heartbreaking. Please do tell your children when you can find the words. I'd hate to think my mum was silently suffering. Please take care of yourself and let them support you. He's gone so low, he deserves everything that's coming to him.

It's going to take a while to get in any decent headspace so take it one day at a time, cry when you need to. You sound incredibly strong, it's going to be a rollercoaster but it won't last forever. You've got a far better future ahead of you than he does, embrace the change ♥️

MissDoubleU · 30/11/2025 22:20

Have a nice Christmas with your family at home and he can fuck off elsewhere. Deceitful bastards not welcome. Sounds like your own children etc. would prefer that outcome anyway. Don’t just play happy families for the sake of Christmas. You’ll have a terrible time, you all will. And it continues the theme of deceit.

Christmas is far enough away for plans to change. It’s not even the first yet. It’s hardly this weekend!

tsmainsqueeze · 30/11/2025 22:22

I think you are going to be just fine ,and perhaps life is going to get even better for you without him in it.
You have your head screwed on and a loving family who will see you through this.
Keep focused on your new life free of this pathetic man who clearly doesn't deserve you.
And be prepared for when he comes grovelling back when everything turns to shit for him , but you'll be flying high.

Swiftie1878 · 30/11/2025 22:22

Be a big, open book with your adult children. You will be supported by them undoubtedly, and concerns about Christmas will disappear.
Well done on knowing your worth and not accepting his deceit and betrayal.
Keep those who love and care about you close. 🩵

Fgfgfg · 30/11/2025 22:26

Motheranddaughter · 30/11/2025 21:51

As long as you are parking legally I would crack on

I think you're on the wrong thread.

OP don't move out until the house is sold or he buys you out. There's no incentive for him to do anything if you're not there and you'll never see the money.

singmoon · 30/11/2025 22:30

Be honest, Christmas is the least of worries. It's a day, fuck it, open up about the real issues.

Tillybobbette · 30/11/2025 22:34

It can be argued he’s been the perfect pawn in her hands to cause you and your family further hurt, hasn’t comprehended how he’s been used and is about to fully appreciate that he’s been merely the weekly bit on the side of a woman who wants to stay in her marriage. You don’t want him, your children don’t rate him and she doesn’t want him.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2025 22:54

@GreatOliveTiger

What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

I'm in a similar boat. 38 year marriage, I've left due to his drinking. We had a great marriage up until about 7 months ago when his drinking soared and his personality flipped. I'm assuming all your children are adults. So my advice is this;

Tell your children now and tell them the truth calmly and without 'vilifying' their dad; simply say that he's been cheating on you for years and you've had enough. You deserve to be free and live 'honestly', not to go through another Christmas living a lie. I'm sure they'll support you as my DC have been supporting me. In fact, they have both said that I did the right thing and that I shouldn't ever think of going back (I'm not).

I sat down with my DC and said that what I wanted to do was throw all our Christmas traditions out the window and start fresh. They agreed 100%. We still haven't quite figured out what we're going to do or where and when we're going to do it, but it will be something new, not 'old traditions' that will remind us of 'days gone by' with their dad. At least for this first year.

One other thing I'll say. When this all happened it was surprising to me how much they already knew about their dad's 'new' excessive drinking but hadn't wanted to say anything. Yours may know or suspect that you've been unhappy for some time. So don't be surprised if they say they've been expecting 'something like this'.