Ended our relationship of nearly 40 years.

[GreatOliveTiger]

We have children and grandchildren together and have been together almost 40 years. We are not married. We have had a difficult relationship at times mainly because he is deceitful and selfish. We do however get on on a day to day level. I wanted to leave him in the past but for various reasons, young kids then elderly parents it seemed better to stay. I had thought that after him being unfaithful then very remorseful 10 years ago we had reached a good place and could grow old together in relative harmony. I have now found out that he has been lying to me for a very long time and is in a relationship with someone who caused me and my family a great deal of pain in the past. This is a complete betrayal. Not because of the sex but because of who it is. I feel that he has no respect for me or our relationship and has treated me with contempt. So I have told him it is ended. He is very upset and concerned that the rest of the family will turn against him and he will be cut out. Frankly that is on him. He will have to buy me out of our house. I am financially independent so am not worried about how I will live.

What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

But they've been together for 40 years have dc and gc together! That's just as much a commitment as being married which is just a piece of paper.

No, don't spare him. He never spared your feelings. Chuck him out and do your own Christmas, with your dc and grandchildren. Do not put up a front for the sake of his family, etc.

Absolutely do not agree to gift him your proportion of the house!!

Even if you really, really think you want to. Consider that you will not be thinking entirely clearly right now, your judgement will be a bit off, and you shouldn't make any major financial decisions.

What a load of rubbish.

OP, think seriously before you leave him the house. Only do that if you're sure you can manage financially. Well done for not putting up with all of that. Christmas is only 2 days anyway. Wishing you much happiness.

It absolutely is on him. Well done op.

Do what you want to do. If you want to host do that but don't feel like you have to keep it to yourself.

Take time to decide how you want to spend Christmas and what you need from people and then sit them down and be honest.

I salute you OP.
Well done for not putting up with his BS!!
Its ok to feel sad. Even though it is your choice, you will still mourn the loss of your relationship. 40 years is a hell of a long time, so sadness is a natural response to the occasion.

I understand why you want to leave him the house it I agree with other posters that I don't think you should.

Tell your children as soon as possible so you can have time over the next few weeks to decide if you want to do Xmas still. I'm sure they'll understand.

Well done!
Be kind to yourself ❤️‍🩹❤️💐

Sorry you are going through this. You’ll be just fine.
Congratulations on your fresh start! I hope you’re good enjoy Christmas & have a peaceful 2026!

Definitely do not give him the house. Use your solicitor. Don't give him a penny more then he's entitled to. Even if you don't want it your DC or grandchildren could benefit. Not him. Don't make any rash decisions you'll come to regret.

Completely agree!

It’s not your job to keep playing happy families. Your kids are adults and need to know the truth. He’s the one that did it all and he can be the one to explain it to the family.

Wishing you every happiness x

Why give him the house ? No Sir. He can have half of what he contributed to and he needs to tell everyone that he is a liar and cheat,

• It's not that close to Christmas.

• A month is a long time to have to pretend.

• You need support now.

• You couldn't "ruin" anything. All of the fault lies with your hideous ex.

I think the OP means give him the house as in she will leave and he can buy her out of her half? Not actually gift him the whole thing.

What on earth.

Just to confirm he will need to buy me out of the house which I would very much prefer. We had agreed that we would move from London when we retired which he subsequently reneged on presumably so he could carry on with the woman. I want to move forward with lots of his capital. My kids don't have a great relationship with him. They joke about me putting his name on cards and presents because he wouldn't have a clue or give a fuck about birthdays etc. Whereas I am very close to them and involved in their lives.

Ah, ok. Thank you.

Sort it now, tell your kids, don’t wait and live a lie, Christmas or no Christmas! Unless of course it benefits you financially to keep him in the dark.
Get legal advice and don’t give him one penny more than you have to - don’t be a mug on this.

😂Perhaps the OP should wear a scarlet letter as well... 🤣

I think you owe it to yourself and your DCs to move forward with your life with positivity and honesty. There has been enough sneaking around with your DH (what an absolute dick - he will regret it) and you absolutely don't have to continue that to save face for him or to make Christmas easier for anyone. It certainly won't be easier for you to keep it secret until the new year.

Be open with your DCs but I'd say don't overshare - though I guess it depends on the relationship you have with them and their ages as to how much detail you give them. I wouldn't wait. Find yourself somewhere to live (or chuck him out) and get a lawyer. Good luck!

Christmas is just one day with a fancy dinner, it’s not a reason to pause your life or change anything. He made his choices and he has to live with that.

Don’t move out of the house until you get your money. He could drag his heels for years. Sell up fast while he is still sorry.

Tell your kids now @GreatOliveTiger - it will be way too much of a strain to keep this secret for 5 weeks until 2016 and also allow him to try and wheedle his way back into the good books.

Agree with others to not make a hasty decision about the house. It's very tempting to just want a clean break and move on. But if you have rights to equity in the house then get it. Even if it's to give to your children or set up a savings account for your grandchildren, it's yours and you should have it. Just don't make any decisions or promises or sign anything until it's all less raw, in a few months time.

I'd be really upset if my mum hid this from me just because of Christmas. Your children aren't actual children any more, they can take it! Let them be there for you.

I do enjoy these sorts of posts on MN - keeps me remembering the totally batshit thoughts that go through some people's heads. So easy otherwise, to fall into supposing most people think the same as you, or very similar.