Ended our relationship of nearly 40 years.

[GreatOliveTiger]

We have children and grandchildren together and have been together almost 40 years. We are not married. We have had a difficult relationship at times mainly because he is deceitful and selfish. We do however get on on a day to day level. I wanted to leave him in the past but for various reasons, young kids then elderly parents it seemed better to stay. I had thought that after him being unfaithful then very remorseful 10 years ago we had reached a good place and could grow old together in relative harmony. I have now found out that he has been lying to me for a very long time and is in a relationship with someone who caused me and my family a great deal of pain in the past. This is a complete betrayal. Not because of the sex but because of who it is. I feel that he has no respect for me or our relationship and has treated me with contempt. So I have told him it is ended. He is very upset and concerned that the rest of the family will turn against him and he will be cut out. Frankly that is on him. He will have to buy me out of our house. I am financially independent so am not worried about how I will live.

What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

OP I'd just tell them the truth and I'd tell them asap - as others have said I wouldn't do the "let him tell them it's his mess" thing because who knows what lies he'll spout and then you'll have to unpick those as well as dealing with everything else.

Be strong OP, you have been so strong already so continue like that, head held high and dignity intact. You've done the right thing, he never deserved you. 💐

What an utterly ridiculous comment

Eh?

The much maligned MN phrase 'are you on fucking glue?' could not be more appropriate here.

I've got some real black, macabre humour for your situation, which I hope brings a smile.

A woman aged 102 years old decides to divorce her husband after a marriage of many decades. When asked why, after all that time, now she has decided to divorce? "I wanted to wait until all of the children were dead".

Your children are grown ups and whilst they might dislike it (yet again, you might find they don't mind at all and already see their father more clearly than you have), they can cope with this.

What would really ruin Christmas would be the tension of two people who are in conflict and preparing to divorce one another, trying to pretend otherwise. Or, if the pretence were successful, your adult children looking back and feeling deceived by you both.

You have been hurt. You deserve consideration and care in this situation. And not to give one minute more of your life than necessary, to this selfish deceitful man.

Find some people who will provide the support you need and deserve, and surround yourself with them at Christmas. Hopefully, that might be your adult children, but if they can't handle it because of the relationship they have with their dad, then I'd suggest you give both them and yourself some grace by changing your plans.

Are you high?!?

Just tell them. Chances are they suspect/know already.

Focus on your own best interests.

I am awe of you. Well bloody done! Tell them now and don’t have a stressful Christmas. What an arse of a man. I hope he dies lonely.

Get him out of the house. Keep hosting your Christmas with your kids and grandkids. He is upset as he got caught

If I thought my mum had stayed with my dad for one day more just for my benefit I’d be very upset. Tell your family. Still host with him not there, or make other plans. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas and good luck moving forward.

Sorry i accidentally pressed you are being unreasonable.

Dont do Christmas, nobody will blame you and they have nearly 4 weeks to get a turkey sorted.

Like others have said, tell them the truth. You don't need to protect him, he's made his bed. His relationship with his children is between them as adults.

Thank you all for your kind messages. They have really bored me up. I was feeling pretty sad at the thought that this is the end of all our life together. I am leaving him the house. I don't want it. I want a new start with no need to compromise. His mistress or whatever is in a long term relationship and it seems is happy to shag him weekly but not leave her husband so not a great outcome for him. I sort of pity him. What a dick head. I have no hatred just contempt that he has fucked his life up. I have had a few glasses of wine and am feeling bolshy but will no doubt be sad later.

Not bored me up. I meant really made me feel supported.

@GreatOliveTiger Stay bolshy, tell your children and use your anger to power you through. You have put up with things for a long time, so now live your life for you, doing all the things you have put off.

@CunningLinguist2 Er? No. Just seen it all before. No marriage- no morals. I’ve seen people just see it as their right and they do what they want - as here. Not committing is leaving your options open deliberately. Just is. That’s why more unmarried couples split than married. They don’t want to commit. 40 years with previous unfaithful episodes is a long time but the partner here is acting as if not married for a while. Op expected better but didn’t expect marriage.

Certainly wouldn’t be leaving him the house, do you think that would be
reciprocated I doubt it he had no thought of you before. Sell the house get half the money use it to start anew.

Also all our non married friends have either split or married. Mainly due to finance I have to say.

So pleased you’ve made this decision. Much better to live on your own in peace and contentment. Tell them tomorrow, just get it out there. In the grand scheme of things Christmas isn’t really important.

🙄🙄🙄

35 years unmarried. You’re talking absolute bollocks.
Entertaining, but bollocks.

I know! Still laughing.

You are entitled to your views but you have the sensitivity and tact of a concrete block to voice them on this thread. Start your own if you want to moralise.

They have been together 40 years and raised children together- they weren’t fucking single!

I was married for 35 years, then my husband had an affair, marriage doesn't stop affairs and not being married doesn't cause them. Fundamentally decent people don't cheat, fundamentally indecent people do.
Living with someone and having children is just as strong a committment as marriage, if that isn't enough for someone not to cheat then a certificate is not going to make any difference.

Well done OP, I wish you a happy life free of this useless man. A word of caution, don't make too hasty a decision about the house, I felt similar to you and just wanted to get away from him and start my own new life, consequently I could have been more financially secure if I had taken all I was entitled to. Just give it some thought, you might still feel the way you do, but there's no need to rush the nitty gritty of any agreement.

Buoyed me up!

Glad you're feeling better, but "leaving him the house", seriously? He gets rewarded for betraying you with a free house? That might end up being owned by his tart?

If you're in the happy position of having a house you don't want or need, use the money to benefit your DC or GDC, not this loser.