Ended our relationship of nearly 40 years.

[GreatOliveTiger]

We have children and grandchildren together and have been together almost 40 years. We are not married. We have had a difficult relationship at times mainly because he is deceitful and selfish. We do however get on on a day to day level. I wanted to leave him in the past but for various reasons, young kids then elderly parents it seemed better to stay. I had thought that after him being unfaithful then very remorseful 10 years ago we had reached a good place and could grow old together in relative harmony. I have now found out that he has been lying to me for a very long time and is in a relationship with someone who caused me and my family a great deal of pain in the past. This is a complete betrayal. Not because of the sex but because of who it is. I feel that he has no respect for me or our relationship and has treated me with contempt. So I have told him it is ended. He is very upset and concerned that the rest of the family will turn against him and he will be cut out. Frankly that is on him. He will have to buy me out of our house. I am financially independent so am not worried about how I will live.

What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

Well done you! I love how his only concern at this point is yet another selfish one. Be calm & dignified and have a lovely, peaceful Christmas.

You really do deserve better than that deceitful b’tard.x

You're really claiming that someone who's been with their partner for 40 years shouldn't be as devastated as someone who's married and she could do exactly the same as he could because they're both single? What a ridiculous take on committed couples who aren't married - are you a Stepford wife?

Divorce stats rather belie your "true commitment" belief.

Yes I agree with this.
If he possesses modicum of respect for you he'll leave ASAP and let you get on with the rest of your life on peace.
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this 😔 💐

The fact that someone is married does not immediately make them moral and committed!! I was married to my ex for 20 years. That did not stop him from screwing the office whore and having 2 kids with her, all while still remaining married to me and living with my son and I!! A relationship is a relationship, married or not. Respect should be present regardless of whether there's a legal contract in place.

OP, it is his loss and you will be ok. It is sad because we tend to look at these things with nostalgia and romanticise moments and memories. But this happened for a reason and you've now been set free. Wish you well.

Christmas is still a month away, plenty of time for people to make other plans.

I'd tell your loved ones what's going on so you can get some support.

Dont forget to do a new will!

It's been said enough times but I just want to say it again, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but be straightforward with your children. They are adults, and all this will be difficult for them, they will understand.
And you say, you don't want to spring this on them this late before Christmas... There's still 25 days before Christmas that's almost a month that's a 12th of a year, don't worry about it, it's not like Christmas Day is tomorrow and they're all making plans to come over to your place for dinner and even if it was tomorrow, you could cancel.
No. Put yourself first.
Don't make a show out of hosting a happy family Christmas just so that you can break the news to them and the new year what their father did to the whole family, his lies, his deceit, his cruelty, no. You've been through 40 years of this, that's long enough.
2026 is going to be your time to shine. Make a partner-free Christmas your gift to yourself this year

Don't leave it until after Christmas; tell them now.

And as PP have said, either make alternative arrangements for Christmas or host yourself and tell the snivelling cheating bastard to fuck off as he is not welcome.

Rent a beautiful Airbnb property over the Christmas period. Keep your hosting plans, minus him obviously.

Your adult children will no doubt be very supportive. It doesn’t sound like they care too much for him. They need to know as soon as possible.

I’d be reluctant to let him do this. He might re-write the whole story and spin a lot of half truths. Probably best for both parents to tell them together, so he can’t change the narrative to fit his own agenda.

I see your point but assumed both parents would be present when he spoke, that OP would not be silent if he changed his story, that he’d have to admit what he’s done and she couldn’t be accused of influencing the family’s opinion of him.
We are agreed both parents to tell them together is wise.

Tell them. They're adults. Tell them exactly what he is, what he's done and who he's done it with.

Stop protecting him. You may not realise, but it's him you're protecting here.

Tell them, him and her that he's spending Christmas at hers.

Limping through a Christmas lie together will do nobody any favours.

@Mummyshark2019 Not being married means they are both single! They deliberately wanted this status. He probably sees his actions as legitimate as he’s chosen to be a single person. I agree marriage doesn’t make someone stay together for life but they have actually entered an agreement and formal partnership with their spouse. The op and her “partner” never have and he’s certainly maintained a single person attitude. I’m not saying marriage would have changed his behaviour but I’ve seen people who remain single as deliberately reserving the right to behave in this way. It’s guilt free to them. That will be his position but the op doesn’t seem to share this view. Whether dc will be surprised is a moot point too. They might already be aware of his personality. My dc were.

@OhDear111
Your pearls must be crushed to dust by now.

😂😂😂

Christmas time or not, you need to sort this, your DC probably know things aren’t great.

I have spoken to him and reflected on how I want to move forward. I don't want to look back on my life with regret. I have fabulous children and grandchildren, have travelled the world and because of his past antics and the need for financial independence pushed myself to be very successful career wise and subsequently will be very comfortable going forward.
I want our split to be as amicable and respectful as possible. I want to be able to say to my children that Dad and I will be perfectly able to be at family events etc.
So I have said that I am taking myself on holiday for the next few weeks and will host Christmas. He has nowhere else to go and will need every penny he has to buy me out. I will tell others after new year. I have somewhere else I can go whilst I decide where I want to live going forward. I don't hate him. I pity him. His actions have meant a lonely old age unless the mistresses husband dies on her. He will be broke and I doubt that his relationship with family will be easy.
I am going to travel and have fun.

What a fabulous update - I cannot tell you how proud of you I am lady.
Sounds very much like the next chapter of your life is going to be wonderful.
Here’s to you and your new life

Your DC are old enough to understand and be told the truth. Don't lie for him. Tell your DC you are ending your relationship because of his repeated infidelity. Ask him to leave the house and you go ahead and host Xmas for your family. He can go to OW. It's good you are financially independent and that means you don't have to put up with his bad behaviour. If the house has to be sold sort it out after Xmas. Look after yourself and if his DC turn on him it's his own fault. You have tried hard to keep your relationship alive but it sounds like he is a loser who doesn't appreciate you and certainly doesn't cherish you. Move on, and hold your head up high.

Well done!!!

Well done for remaining financially independent and clear headed enough to keep your career, income and pension up.

For knowing what you want and finally making your stand assertively and clearly after years of abuse and scorn, which is what his behaviour truly is.

I hadn't realised the side piece is married - so no cosy Christmas love nest on his horizon, then. Good.

Beware him trying to retrofit his behaviour to 'if you had/hadn't (insert 💩) I'd never have (insert further 💩). He will be trying to spin and control the narrative.

Time to take the truth and his bollocks in both hands - and squeeze.

@MagpiePi You are in dreamland if you think this isn’t the case! Cannot see what pearl clutching has to do with it. Just decades of observation and some knowledge of marital law and cohabiting law, which aren’t the same. Ps I’ve got diamonds!

They both move on because they are single. What’s hers is hers and what’s his is his. She sounds single anyway as she’s pursued a career for independence. He’s pursued something else so all they need to do is work out finances. Sell the house, split everything else and move on. As indeed they will.

I was the adult child whose parents divorced after 39 years of (unhappy) marriage. The split and divorce was in many ways a massive relief but my DF handled it very badly... first by not coming clean about his new partner and further down the line by trying to rewrite history, appropriating belongings that were my DM's, insisting our DC call his new wife "Granny", going on and on about her amazing DC and DGS, etc. Fifteen years down the line and I am virtually non contact with him as a result of all this. My advice for telling your DC is be honest but empathetic and kind - it will still hurt them and come as a shock at some level even if your relationship with their DF has been difficult.

I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves

Your children are grown adults with kids of their own, and Christmas is still almost four weeks away. Unless they have no means of getting to a supermarket to buy the ingredients for a roast dinner at any point during the next 24 days, you're not depriving them of a Christmas.

Fantastic update OP!!
I'm so glad to hear it's going to be achieved this way and that you're going to go on holiday.
Bon voyage 🍾

Hello & welcome from whatever bygone era you hail from.

We do things slightly different here in modern times. Women can have careers for any old reason (personal fulfilment & enjoyment among them). I have my (very lucrative & fulfilling) career in a professional field with the support of my (hold on to your “diamonds”) partner, whom I have NEVER married. No plans to do so either. We’re secure & committed the way we are - which differs from whatever bygone era you live in.
We share the workload in the house, we both cook, do laundry, all that jazz.
He also (!) has a good career & a challenging professional job that he is good at. I support him like he supports me.
We are a team. Neither of us are single - which is just a batshit take.

I gather you get a kick out of your views & beliefs, so have no doubt you’ll be back with more nonsense. Someone else will have to take the wheel, ‘cause I’m done driving on this one - even if you are very entertaining.