To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

I think YANBU to ask him abput weekends. I expect he is worried about creating some conflict at work from changing hos established work pattern so has made up some dodgy reasons not to try but I can see for you having both days when all three kids are not in any childcare is a big ask every week and means you can have no fun family time altogether during term time at least.

Him having the kids while you do nights seems an easier deal as presumably they are mostly asleep for that. And any mid week time off the older two are at school

Re the mortage I think its that your wage was not needed / would have reduced the amount this is fine. The deeds thing is probably because they prefer the deeds to match the mortgage holder, as you are married its irrelevant. I do not think he sounds financially abusive, but more inflexible about work / doesnt seem like he wants family days.

It sounds like he’s engineered things to have two days off during the week whilst the kids are in childcare so he gets time to himself.

@Frazzled89 well you’re lucky not to have to pay! It’s convenient that he gets day time to himself & you have kids all day.

You need to believe people on here about the mortgage. He really isn’t being honest. You can’t drive, don’t have your name on the mortgage & only work 2 days. You are quite vulnerable. If you are getting free childcare you should work more & learn to drive.

Ok op, you went from one abusive man to another. But it sounds like because your husband shouts less than your father, relative for you, it’s better. You don’t know what a healthy relationship is because you’ve never been in one. It is understandable that you don’t like shouting then. But your husband is using this to control you. He’s scum, frankly.
you’ll have to do things stealthily then. Gather information. Improve your knowledge.
you are equal, and you deserve happiness.
that won’t be with this man, but you’ll probably need a slow staircase to work towards it.

This is also not true. I was a mortgage underwriter for years too. He would only have to be reassessed if he remortgaged moved lender / you moved house, and he would have to do that regardless of his work.

Yes very lucky! I am saving to learn how to drive although I'm not sure I could do it but I'll give it a try.

God love you so you come from an abusive background and was targeted by an older controlling man who is now abusive.

Shouting at you is emotional abuse.
Talking to Women's aid would give you some support.
Do not have another child with him.
Talk to your GP.

And I don't mind that because he works hard and often finishes late. I try to make his life easier but I don't think asking him to ask if he can swap his weekday off for one day on a weekend is too much trouble.

He hates confrontation and always wants to please people (he often stays at work late for example), so yes I think this is the reason. That's why i offered to work more so he could work less.

And another thing to add - you can be added to the house deeds without being added to the mortgage so you can use that argument with him if he persists in lying about the bank needing to “re-assess the mortgage”. My sister did this - she couldn’t be on the mortgage application due to bad debt and CCJs but she was still on the deeds to her house.

Op I really do think you need to seek some external support like womans aid or similar. Im not telling you to leave him but they do courses/sessions on building confidence and self esteem which I think you are severely lacking due to your history. You need to educate yourself on behaviours, financial matters etc. Knowledge is power.

Sorry not getting the whole mortgage thing at all....I was a SAHM when we bought our current property (been in it almost 15 years now) and we got a mortgage on DH's salary alone...and my name is on the mortgage too. Not sure what you earn had got anything to do with having your name on the mortgage or title deeds? 🤔

Op he’s taking you for an absolute mug. He has and is continuing to lie to you about your mortgage.

Mortgage and deeds are two different things and you can be on the deeds

But he doesn’t seem bothered about pleasing you OP, and he’s not scared of confrontation at home?

OP you should be much, much more concerned than you are, about how much your husband lies to you about very important stuff.

Everyone on this thread has told you - he is lying to you. A low income is never a reason to not be on the mortgage. Additional income to be considered, however low, is always a good thing for the bank, not a reason to turn someone down.

How sure are you that the house is even owned by you and not rented?
Did you ever actually attend the bank when the sale was going through, yourself? And if not why on earth would you not want to go, with your husband, as a couple, this is important life stuff?!

How sure are you that you are legally married OP as im very concerned that you simply swallow lies your husband tells you and don't seem to question anything....

How sure are you that you are legally married OP as im very concerned that you simply swallow lies your husband tells you and don't seem to question anything....

That’s being a bit dramatic, I’m sure the OP was present at her own wedding and that would be hard to fake?

The words you are ard using say a lot to me about who has all the control in your marriage. I haven't read all the comments yet but have seen reference to

• keep the peace
• not wanting to push it
• not rocking the boat

This is along with getting annoyed when you ask for information on the mortgage or for him to request changing his workong hours slightly.

Many posters have explained that at least some of the things he has said about the mortgage are incorrect. However you still appear to see no reason to doubt anything that he is saying, or see how he much he is in control of everything.

"He said no."

Again, he is not your dad. He doesn't get to just "say no" and you just submit. It's not the 1950s. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way?

OP, you are exasperating, to me at least. Everyone has made suggestions. You are not engaging seriously with any of them. They include seeking independent financial advice, checking your own credit score, asking to see the mortgage statement, not getting pregnant again, working more hours, taking advice from a women's charity to ascertain if you are in a coercive relationship, taking legal advice to protect you and your children, and learning to drive. I would add getting yourself some qualifications when your children are at school/nursery so you can do more highly paid work than cleaning, worthy though it is, and establish a proper bedtime routine for your children so you can study in the evening.

It's your choice if you do none of those things. What isn't on is asking people for advice, them giving you pages of advice compassionately and in good faith, you not engaging with the advice, and then having the temerity to imply you have received no suggestions.

As to your specific question about your DH not working every weekend so you can have family time, sensible advice based on what you have told us would be to keep quiet even though it is a reasonable request because a) your DH does little childcare on the two days you work so clearly has little interest in being a present father b) if you ask him a question you think is reasonable and he thinks is unreasonable, he shouts at you and closes down the discussion by questioning whether you trust him. This absent, aggressive is a man you say you trust, and who you want to spend more time with you and your children.

Typo

My aunt had 4 young children and took the opportunity to do an open university degree for a specific career while they were this age. Id do this, train for a career of some kind so you can support yourself really well when they go to school. Im ot sure Id trust your husband long term.

I have checked my credit score, I have said this already several times. I have seen a mortgage statement as well I have answered questions about that already. As for studying, I do study although I struggle to keep afloat with it due to being so busy.

I would be able to support myself with my current job I'm sure if something did happen.

I have listed the advice you have been given. I have not said you have not checked your own credit score or checked your mortgage statement. It is good that you are studying and of course It's difficult when you are effectively a single parent to three young children. What are you studying?

@Frazzled89well he is trying to keep other people happy but not worried if it impacts you. I imagine he is happy to stay late so he can avoid the chaos of 3 little ones between 5-7pm. What job does he do? It seems he didn’t previously work such long hours.