To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

@Frazzled89 Working two days a week? You must earn well. When I left my ex-husband I had to push up hours pronto just to pay the rent (he dug his heels re house sale so I had to find somewhere to rent privately with two young sons).

I don't see how you could support three children on two days works a week, especially when your housing situation may be uncertain.

@IdaGlossop Totally agree. See my post above; no chance I could have managed it, and I had two kids not three. Rent is bloody expensive!

Thanks for all your suggestions. I do appreciate each and every single one honestly. I have a little plan! I will approach the subject again with H and ask if I can maybe work an extra day so he can lower his hours. Tbh I think it would be good for him as well as he gets really tired. I will mention that him dropping hours shouldn't affect his mortgage and that I've researched it (?) So I know it to be true.
I will maybe mention a joint account again just because it will make things easier for us both especially if I'm working more and he's working less. That might win him over hopefully. And yes I'm planning to learn to drive next year so will get more independence from that.
Regarding children, I really don't think I can cope with another one atm so will insist he wears a condom for now, especially as he doesn't want to get a vasectomy.
Thanks again for your advice. I realise I need to muster up the courage to ask H things instead of being silent.

I don't earn well,I would have to work more than two days.

@Frazzled89 Can you guarantee the extra hours would definitely be available? I'd personally start pushing them up now as a security net.

Another suggestion. And another suggestion rejected. Are you afraid your DH will get angry? You are getting excellent suggestions here but none of them are good enough for you, are they?

Let's do this differently and narrow the focus to your original question. If you are not prepared to risk challenging your DH because he shouts at you, you have to live with what you've got: no family time, near financial dependence, financial ignorance, two days work a week.

You said yourself that you are sure you would be able to support yourself with your current job if anything happened.

If you read my update I have said I will ask him again, maybe tommorow. Yes it was a good suggestion and I'm not rejecting it. I will ask about working extra hours and the rest.
I meant I could easily get extra hours at my job.

Another lie from him.

He doesn't hate confrontation with you, he screamed at you for questioning him on the mortgage. And he doesn't want to please you because he's turned down your request to change work around and lied again about the impact it would have on the mortgage.

He has told you he doesn't want to challenge at work and wants to please. God knows what the truth is.

OP - why are you asking your husband's permission to work more?

If you don’t want another baby OP, you can’t be as passive about contraception as you say you are about everything else. Get on your own reliable method, because I don’t think you can trust him to use a condom every time.

This is a step in the right direction. Don't ask though. You are not a supplicant and he a deity.

How about: 'I'd like us to talk about me increasing my working hours and you decreasing yours so we can all have at least one day together at weekends. I've checked with xxxxxx (bank) and they have confirmed that you working fewer hours won't affect the mortgage at all. Shall we talk now or before I go to work tomorrow?' (Example)

Strongly recommend sorting out your oen contraception, and not relying on H and condoms for this OP.

This

He’s lied about the mortgage in all aspects.

I wouldn’t trust a man’s use a condom as my only contraception if he wants a baby and I don’t. All he has to do is put some holes in it, and you’re pregnant against your will.

When you saw this mortgage statement did you see ALL of it, is it definitely in HIS name or is it perhaps in his parents or other family members name and he pays the mortgage via them but is making sure despite you being married you have no legal rights to the property. That would send a man into a rage to cower you away from the subject because you’d find out he doesn’t own the house either. He’s protected it via his parents or another person would who transfer it to him later down the line if he or you ended the marriage.

You shouldn't trust your husband because he has lied to you. He lied to you for a reason. I would be very keen on finding what that reason was. My first thought is that he thought he might be able to do you out of a half share of the house if you split up. My second is like @deadend and that he doesn't own the property. I'm not sure but somebody can probably confirm whether or not you can search the title deeds on line. And people often get angry because they are doing something underhand or to scare you off from making very reasonable inquiries affecting your financial position. Your husband does not fit my definition of a good man.

It's definitely his yes. He doesn't have any parents. I really don't think there's anything dodgy going on with the mortgage. It's definitely his. Tbh I know nothing about mortgages as I've never had one so just took his word for it that I wasn't allowed on. He is very very careful with money which is partly why I increased my work hours as he doesn't like spending on things be finds frivolous (like me getting my hair done etc.). That's the only reason I can think of why he doesn't want me on, he doesn't trust me with money.

Considering he’s earning much more than you but only contributing 50% of the mortgage payments and not contributing to anything for his children, what do you think he’s doing with all his money? 🤔 He must be building up a lot of savings?

Jesus Christ it just gets worse with every post.

He does contribute a lot to the children. Sorry i don't think I'm being very clear. He pays all he utility bills and insurance and hald the mortgage, we split the food bill which seems to cost an arm and a leg at the minute! I buy clothes etc. For the children. Yes he does have savings he's always had savings and been careful but I have no idea how much he has.

You must be the most naive wife I've seen post in a long time 😭

Good God woman, he's just a man, not the second coming. Get off your knees and open your eyes.

I'm sorry but what exactly am I being naive about? It's his mortgage definitely, I have seen the statements and the proof. I just don't want him working every weekend.

Are you joking? You didn't look into getting on the mortgage, just blindly believed him and are doing the same now when he tells you changing his hours would mean telling the bank, a blatant lie. You don't know how much he earns or what he has in savings. You're incredibly naive.