To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

How much does he transfer you back for all the childcare and housework you do?

Financial abuse or not, your situation is very unfair on you, I wouldn’t have agreed to a setup like this.

Also, learn to drive.

And it does because even though yes you do have rights you have to get them allocated to you in theory he could sell it you would have to get a court involved.

without legal involvement you don’t have rights and it certainly isn’t set it is the 50/50 it should be

he has and continues to lie and has screwed you over and you seen numb to it

No it's not unreasonable to want him not to work every weekend.
But the reason people are getting stuck on the other stuff is because he's lied to you about so much.

So who knows what is actually going on? It's hard to advise you when you're being lied to. He might be volunteering to work every weekend. He might not even be working. He is unlikely to "allow" you to change or increase your shifts and he will lie to you about why, as he has before.

Unfortunately the weekend issue can't be considered or resolved in a vacuum. You have much bigger DH problems.

My suggestion is stop being so wilfully naive about your own life. Why does he get to know all the details about your finances and you don't? Why do you allow him to dictate to you and shut you down when you attempt to discuss anything? Perhaps it is because he is older than you but he is not your dad remember that. You are supposed to be equal partners.

He's lied because he hopes that if you ever decide to divorce you will believe him when he tells you that there is no point involving solicitors, let's just sign the papers and the house is 100% his since you are not on mortgage/deeds.

My suggestion is that you keep re reading this thread, and stop believing lies. There is nothing in it for anyone responding here to not say what they think.

A healthy relationship where a spouse asks the other to be put on the deeds of the house she’s paying for, would have resulted in ‘yea, of course’ , not anger. Well they both would have been on in the first place.

Not read the full thread op but a couple of suggestions if I may...

Can you increase your working hours so dh isn't worried about bills?

Secondly, please get on the mortgage!

The house is his.

If he dies he can leave to whoever he wants in his Will. You could be homeless or a massive legal battle to get what is rightfully yours.

I can't get on the mortgage, DH says the bank won't let me, people on here are saying he is lying so I'm not sure. I have asked him if I.can increase my hours so he could drop his a bit to share the burden and he said no.

Why would he get the overall say op? You’re equal.

He doesn't transfer me any money because I work now. When I had my first two DC I didn't work much so sometimes he would transfer a bit if I asked for something I needed.

Well he said he can't drop his hours because it would affect the mortgage so there's no where I can really go from there.

Life and insurance and wills yes. If he dies I get the house.

Ask to speak to the mortgage advisor yourself?

There is a reason he gets angry whenever you ask about this.

‘Let’s go and see the bank together then, and add my income. That’ll cover it. Shall I organise it for Wednesday.’

The whole mortgage situation sounds odd, but as they are married, isn’t it still considered a joint asset? And I’m sure a SAHM could still be on the mortgage and/or deeds?

She said that she wasn’t added to his original mortgage. She said that this mortgage was a completely new one. They could’ve applied as a couple.

I just don't think I.could say that

Yes that's right.

But it wouldn’t? At all. realistically how can it. People change jobs hours all the time

the only time it might be is if you are remortgaging but often that doesn’t either

he just lies doesn’t he

Your husband is not being truthful about the mortgage. You need to start looking after yourself and your finances.

Ok.
In a healthy marriage, it would be an absolutely standard thing to say,
Both parties are considered equal.
You are not, which is a tiny bit of what people have been trying to tell you all day.

This isn’t true! Being part time doesn’t mean you can’t go on the mortgage

I call bull shit. You should be on mortgage you are married.

It's probably my own fault. I am very passive. The situation around our marriage is that is was kind of rushed because of pressure from my side as I was pregnant (my parents are strict Christians and would have disowned me if I didn't marry ). Althwe would have done it eventually, my husband was already in his 40s, I was in my 20s and had never had a mortgage. And he has always sort of taken charge of things. I expected him to include me without me asking. And I'm worried to push him again bethe shouted which isn't like him so I know he was angry. He normally simmers and keeps cool but sulks. My dad shouted and screamed my whole life and it just terrifies me.