To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

I'm really sorry OP, but you need to wake up. As others have pointed out, your income, however small, would be an advantage not a disadvantage. Getting angry and screaming at you when you ask reasonable questions, is a big red flag, as is shutting down every conversation about money, mortgage etc. You can have separate accounts but as a married couple you should know how much the other earns, and the details of your mortgage. You also need to take some responsibility here - you should know your credit score, find out what it is. You seem to be passively accepting everything he tells you. There are many reasons why someone would lie. You are entitled to see the deeds of your home - it isn't a big ask, its basic. Something tells me you are in for a nasty surprise.

The level of naivety is shocking.

Wigh the internet available ladies, let’s at least google to fact check basic things we’re told.

What I don’t understand is what do people in these types of relationships do when their spouse passes away? Surely you have no idea about your financial affairs.

no banks don’t review your mortgage when you drop a few hours. The takes some men spin to their wives is crazy.

He may not fully realise how divorce law works & may think he’s protecting the property in the event you split.

He is lying..... even if you were a sahm and claiming only child benefit its taken as income. And you only get reassessed when remortgaging. How many people have told you this.....you are not listening.

Don’t have another baby. Learn to drive. Gradually prepare for living an independent life, get your financials sorted, you should not be ignorant of the basic info. Learn.
You are being treated as an unpaid domestic appliance and will be stuffed if you don’t start acting as an adult.

OP are you sure you are legally married?? I have heard a story of a man tricking a lady into thinking they were having a legal wedding and it was just a cultural ceremony, nothing else, so please check that is corrrct as a starting point.

when they scream that’s a classic sign they are lying and getting defensive!

This is also lies.....

Ive just redone my mortgage, my household income has gone from 60k to 27k, I just selected the new interest rate and job done.

Absolute nonsense.

I would hazard a guess that the op is not in fact legally married. This bloke is going to extraordinary lengths to make sure she has no rights to his house, which would all be pointless if they were married.

People keep saying check my credit score. I have and it was good when I last checked. I also now for a fact that I'm not on the deeds for the house but that if we're married so it's not a big deal.

I absolutely am legally married.

Yes we are legally married and our culture is English.

This is good news op. Good. In the UK?

I take your point on a previous mortgage but id like to think the previous mortgage was paid on selling......although op hasn't actually confirmed that, but it would be odd.

Do you at least have decent wills in place? the issue isnt if you divorce, its if he dies, he could leave the house to anyone he likes.

Op, how do you know you are not paying over half the mortgage? I mean depending on where you live in UK, its feasible to get 3 bed houses for less than 150k....and a mortgage over 30yrs.... would be a rather low mortgage payment tbh.

Do you know how much you bought your house for? Did he sell the previous house and put down a deposit from the equity?

What he told you about the mortgage sounds like rubbish to me. I think you need to find out what is going on with your finances and get financial advice. And for God's sake don't have another baby with him.
Nobody in no job works every single weekend. The whole thing stinks.
You need to stop just believing everything he says and do some digging.

I said that because in an earlier post you said that you said 'it's good, I think', which suggests that you didn't know. If it's good, the mortgage company would have used it. You may be married, but if you are not on the mortgage or deeds, your husband can do anything with the property without your knowledge or agreement - such as re-mortgage, or take out a loan against it the property. Yes, you would have rights if he dies, but that does not mean that you are truly protected. You seem determined to defend him and the situation, which is fine - it's your life and your marriage. Him working weekends is the least of your problems.

@Frazzled89 he is definitely not being honest with you about the mortgage.

I am going to guess him wanting to work every weekend coincided with babies being born. It’s common for men to choose work shifts which get them out of looking after little children. I would guess he arrives home just after they have gone to bed.

Why are you paying for nursery when he is home in the week? It’s absolutely not fair you have all 3 to deal with all weekend & he just has them for a couple of hours after school & nursery.

Do you have any family nearby to help you out?

I disagree with some of this. My husband and I have no joint accounts as I am by far the more financially savvy of the two. I would not feel comfortable with a joint account tbh. He pays a certain amount into my account every month and I deal with it from there. Works for us.

I understand what people are saying about the deeds, but as I said I have approached that subject and it didn't end well, so I'm not going to go there again, especially as we are legally married so I am protected. I guess I just wanted opinions on whether I was unreasonable to be angry he is working every weekend and doesn't want to talk to his boss to change it. I also will not be getting pregnant if be is still working every weekend and I'm honestly surprised he wants another baby. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is. I could change jobs and only work school hours but there's nothing I could do apart from cleaning which would pay very little. I honestly feel stuck! Does anybody have any suggestions?

But he has lied so it is

We don't pay for nursery at all since we both earn a certain amount and the policy changed.
I do have some family near but they are all busy with their own lives and children etc.

Yes that's really confusing I'm not sure why he would lie because surely he knows we're married so I would be entitled to half anyway.

But he’s working so you can work, is that why he’s saying you’d have to give up? 2 of my work days are weekends so that we have a bit of respite from dh collecting. I see his point

@Frazzled89 Why do you only need to work school hours?