To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

A bit unhealthy? Get real! Tone says everything about how someone feels about you. How you react says everything about how you feel about yourself. My DD as a teenager had to repeat what she had said to me but with courtesy every single time she spoke to me rudely and carelessly, regardless of how tired/late/stressed/pissed off she was. I did that because I want her to be respectful to almost everyone and because I respect myself. Occasionally, I ask my DH to do the same. You should try it. Your children are growing up seeing their mother spoken to by their father as if she too were a child. How will they respect you if their father doesn't? And what problems is that storing up for the future?

Typo

Definitely do not have another baby with this man. He doesn’t help with the 2 he has already.

YANBU to ask him to work less weekends.

i don’t know why he says you can’t go on the mortgage just because you are part time. That is nonsense.

Your mother doesn't know the half of it. It sounds as though you have learnt your attitudes to money from her. Decoded, 'he must have his reasons' means 'we women don't need to worry our pretty little heads about finance; it's men's business'. I have already related here where that attitude landed my mum.

Three children already, not two!

He's making out the mortgage is such a hassle in his life, it really isn't, he's lying about having it reassessed, remortgaging is utter rubbish! Is he actually at work for definite when he says he is. He gets angry when you question him, he's getting tied up in knots with his lies. He's definitely hiding a lot Too many red 🚩🚩🚩

You couldn't be more wrong in this case. My mother was the breadwinner of the house, she dealt with most of the finances and it was my dad who was at home most of the time.

I apologise to your mum and am glad to be wrong. As she is money savvy, it seems odd that she would be content with you not being a party to the mortgage,despite you being married. Does she know how much you earn, how much you contribute to the mortgage, and that you do not know how much your husband earns or how much he has in savings?

This.
👌👌👌

You only work two days, but you pay half of a mortgage that you know nothing about? That's pretty much financial abuse. Do no have another child with this man.
And find out everything you can about the mortgage and insist on being put on the title to the house.

I smell a rat there. I was working part-time on just above minimum wage when I got my joint mortgage application approved. Unless you have terrible credit or something.

Why have you just bent to his will on everything and questioned nothing? You’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position. If you’re asking him for a vasectomy and he’s “telling” you he may want another baby then there’s something seriously wrong in your relationship dynamic.

I believe your husband has lied to you. Working part time should not mean the bank won’t accept you on the mortgage, they may well not increase the amount you can borrow but you should still be able to be on it.

I was a sahm and on the mortgage, the bank just based the amount we could borrow solely on husbands income,

You need to be added to the deeds.

your husband sounds very controlling.

OP being taken for ride

As you have 3 young children and an older father, may I suggest you seek the services of a financial adviser to plan your pensions, life insurances etc ?

And the both of you meet with the adviser. If your DH has the role I think he might have in the NHS he will be on a decent pension, so he needs to check you are the nominated beneficary for his in-servce-death benefits and standard pension. You both need wills and life insurance - again with each other nominated as beneficaries. You can ask the adviser about the mortgage too. You will need to make pension arrangements for yourself - another reason for increasing your hours. I know when DP & I first meet up with a financial adviser he got us to draw up a budget of monthly spend - doing this exercise would help you see exactly what your family outlay & income is and how you are both contributing.

I understand it is possible to register an interest on the property you live in so that it can't be sold without your agreement even if you are not on the mortgage or deeds.

I hope you don't feel too put upon - I know we've all been banging on about a throw-away line and not your main question, but the lack of joint approach to your marital finances is a massive red flag, especially in someone, who by your own admission, is careful with money. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to money and to be honest from the information you have given us it does seem you have contributing more than your fair share to the marital spend.

Oh and double up on the contraception - you don't sound absolutely sold on the idea of a fourth child, so don't end up with another by accident. After all if money if tight how can your family afford another - slightly tongue in cheek

Yes to all of this. I was the same. The mortgage we had years ago was based on one income only - my husband's. DH wanted me on the mortgage because I was raising our family while he worked. In case anything happened to him, meant our finances were straightforward and myself and the DC had a roof over our heads.

I am a mortgage broker! All of this is a load of rubbish!!!

Initially I was preoccupied with the children and trusted him, and tbh ive always felt i was a bit stupid and didnt know anything, so meeting somebody like him who is intelligent, experienced and mature caused me not to have aby doubts. He also said I would be on the mortgage, then mater said I couldn't be. I have questioned things, I questioned him about it earlier on the year but he got angry and said the same thing.

Op.

mortgages work - loosely - on ‘income multiplied by 3’

so, even earning 1p INCREASES the mortgage you can get.

OP, he may have been more intelligent, experienced and mature than you when you met but do you not realised that he has deliberately kept you less experienced and immature and has done nothing to boost your intelligence or confidence. He has controlled you and it's in your and your children's best interests to 'get a life'. If you love him and he supports you doing that, then doing that with him is fine but if he prevents you from blossoming then perhaps you need to ask why he doesn't want you to.

You're being financially abused and controlled by your husband, who took advantage of your youth and inexperience.

Next time he's at work, go through his papers, see his bank/credit card statements and anything else related to finances. I'm going to guess that either he's soaking you for money and just squirrels it away for himself. Or, he's up to his neck in debt and hiding it from you.
Either way, it's probably time to either be an equal partner and treated like an adult, or consider your options.

Frazzled
You are not stupid

You come across on your posts as articulate, well spoken and thoughtful - you are not stupid. You have placed your trust in someone whom it now appears has played false and you're coming back with thoughts on how to change - again not a sign of someone who is stupid.

Keep asking those awkward questions of him, keep up with your plans to save and learn to drive, extend your working hours and keep a hold on your contraception until you're ready to make a decision on another child.

On threads as long as this, it’s really really important that you read and understand the whole thread and its nuance. Otherwise you risk saying something fairly ignorant like this based only on the op and utterly damaging.
@iamnotalemonif you had read the thread you would have learnt that the op has been abused by men her whole life, and has zero self esteem, but is on the first step of getting it back.

I don't think you are stupid. I think you have been trained, perhaps even "groomed" to think you are incompetent and incapable of adult tasks and adult decision-making. It is difficult because you have also been disempowered by things like being unable to drive, so your growth in decision-making and adult skills may also have been hampered behind where you "should" be at this point in your life. However, you are capable of learning and gaining those skills. You can start any time. Your idea about learning to drive was a good one because driving would allow you to get out of the house and therefore away from the limiting (infantilizing) influence of your spouse. It will also give you a skill that will help you get a job and begin building independence, because you will be able to drive to a job rather than having to rely on public transport.

I can't look at anything as it's all online unfortunately. And as I don't have access to his bank account I won't be able to find out anything.

Thanks again for all the comments. I'm a bit overwhelmed so I'm going to take the time to read them all carefully. Had a mix of being thinking I'm being both reasonable and unreasonable for not wanting H to work every weekend. I realise this isn't going to change anyway and he won't ask his employer for some weekends off although he could swap one weekend a month for weekday shifts. I can see why some people say I am being unreasonable as I only work 24 hours a week, and he does the majority. I think staying motivating to learn how to drive would really help me feel less isolated with the 3 kids at weekends.

As for the mortgage situation, I might mention it again when it comes up next year bit know from last experience it will result in him being dismissive or angry (which I don't want). Unfortunately, I can't do any detective work regarding his money situation because I have no access to anything. So not sure what to do about it all. It's something I need to think about because I know nothing is going to ever change. But is a otherwise good marriage worth throwing away over that? He is also a wonderful father. Thanks again for he comments, I will update if anything changes!